Dont know what to do??

[Susie Q]

I have know this guy for almost a year now, in the beginning things were great, but for the past few months he has been very distant. Even though we werent in a relationship, I know he could do what he wants as I can do what I want. I know he is involved with someone else, to me its just obvious, but why cant he tell me something, I mean he knows how I feel about him. What gets me so upset is that when we first met he just got out of a relationship and didnt want one right now, I excepted that, and now he is in one. Why does this always happen to me, I meet a guy and they tell me they dont want a relationship, and the next thing I know the person is getting married. Sorry for babling, Im just so confused, I dont know what to do, he has never done anything to hurt me, I am the one hurting myself. I cant live without him, but I cant go pretending that nothing bothers me.

[Artlover]

You have to ask yourself why you allow yourself to become attracted and stay attracted to unavailable men....Married men, recently separated/divorced men, men who are just getting out of a relationship of any kind, men with girlfriends and men who are in relationships that aren't working out and are "breaking up", but don't seem to ever do so, are ALL unavailable men.

 

No one can give you the answers. You have to search your own heart and be honest with yourself. Are you afraid of being in a real relationship? Are you afraid of commitment? This is basic: people who are genuinely ready for a committed relationship, avoid unavailable partners like the plague. They know they're only going to get disappointed and they don't even bother..."oh you're married...see ya!"

 

If this has been a problem for you for years, perhaps you should talk to a counselor to get to the bottom of your fears. In the meantime, try to forget this guy. He deosn't owe you anything. It was your choice to sit around waiting for him. Try to learn from this experience and move on.

I have know this guy for almost a year now, in the beginning things were great, but for the past few months he has been very distant. Even though we werent in a relationship, I know he could do what he wants as I can do what I want. I know he is involved with someone else, to me its just obvious, but why cant he tell me something, I mean he knows how I feel about him. What gets me so upset is that when we first met he just got out of a relationship and didnt want one right now, I excepted that, and now he is in one. Why does this always happen to me, I meet a guy and they tell me they dont want a relationship, and the next thing I know the person is getting married. Sorry for babling, Im just so confused, I dont know what to do, he has never done anything to hurt me, I am the one hurting myself. I cant live without him, but I cant go pretending that nothing bothers me.

[Susie Q]

Thank you, it helped alot. I think I really do need to speak to someone. I think more or less the bottom line is Im 30 years old, and I am single and the bothers me and depresses me, cause all of my friends either are engaged, married or have been dating someone for awhile, I always dreamed to be married and have a family by now. Then on the other hand, is I am such a nice person, and honest what is wrong with me why cant i keep a guy. Dont mind me I am feeling sorry for myself

You have to ask yourself why you allow yourself to become attracted and stay attracted to unavailable men....Married men, recently separated/divorced men, men who are just getting out of a relationship of any kind, men with girlfriends and men who are in relationships that aren't working out and are "breaking up", but don't seem to ever do so, are ALL unavailable men. No one can give you the answers. You have to search your own heart and be honest with yourself. Are you afraid of being in a real relationship? Are you afraid of commitment? This is basic: people who are genuinely ready for a committed relationship, avoid unavailable partners like the plague. They know they're only going to get disappointed and they don't even bother..."oh you're married...see ya!" If this has been a problem for you for years, perhaps you should talk to a counselor to get to the bottom of your fears. In the meantime, try to forget this guy. He deosn't owe you anything. It was your choice to sit around waiting for him. Try to learn from this experience and move on.

 

[Artlover]

I understand completely. I turned 30 two years ago and went through something similar. I had been in a six year relationship that ended when I was 27. My ex was in a serious relationship within a year and I was still single at 30 with no prospects in sight. I also went through a phase of dating unavailable men. I dated more than my share of emotionally unavailable men and even dated a separated man once. He had been separated for over a year and that wasn't enough! I couldn't figure out why I was having such "bad luck." So I decided to see a therapist.

 

I can't tell you how much it has helped me. It has helped me to see so many things about myself, my parents and my upbringing, that would have probably taken me a lifetime (if ever) to figure out otherwise. I cannot extol the virtues of therapy enough. But you have to really commit to it and do your part. And, most importantly, you must be honest with your therapist. Oh, and choose carefully. Be choosy and don't stay with a therapist you don't feel comfortable with.

 

I really wish you well!

Thank you, it helped alot. I think I really do need to speak to someone. I think more or less the bottom line is Im 30 years old, and I am single and the bothers me and depresses me, cause all of my friends either are engaged, married or have been dating someone for awhile, I always dreamed to be married and have a family by now. Then on the other hand, is I am such a nice person, and honest what is wrong with me why cant i keep a guy. Dont mind me I am feeling sorry for myself

 

[marzipan75]

Hi SusieQ,

 

the thing is, this guy knew how you felt about him and it sounds like he liked you as a friend but couldn't offer you anything more at the time. I know that's hard but guys are sometimes very bad at showing their true feelings for someone, it's something in the water I think!heh heh. Anyway, I'm sorry but it just sounds to me like he wasn't trying to lead you on but just trying to be friends with you and although he may have known your feelings were more than friendship he may not have known how to handle it.

 

That's really all I can think of right now. As for why this happens to you, I can't exactly tell you that. Is this not the first time this has happened to you? Because if not then maybe there's this pattern forming here that just happens to be the guys you meet are just interested in friendship at that time. You could look into trying to meet some new people, not replacing your friends or anyting but maybe try to find ways of meeting new guys, going out with girlfriends dancing or something? Don't give up, I think that when you are least looking for it, you will find love and even then it is hard to accept it because we are afraid of getting hurt.

 

So even though your feelings are hurt, I don't necessarily think that this guy meant to do that. Maybe you are no longer as close to him as you were and that hurts too? Is that part of it? Also, maybe you need to spend less time with this guy and more time with other friends? You may want to think about that, it's not like you are punishing him or anything but maybe just get a little distance in there.

 

I hope that helps you. Good luck and don't give up!

 

marz

I have know this guy for almost a year now, in the beginning things were great, but for the past few months he has been very distant. Even though we werent in a relationship, I know he could do what he wants as I can do what I want. I know he is involved with someone else, to me its just obvious, but why cant he tell me something, I mean he knows how I feel about him. What gets me so upset is that when we first met he just got out of a relationship and didnt want one right now, I excepted that, and now he is in one. Why does this always happen to me, I meet a guy and they tell me they dont want a relationship, and the next thing I know the person is getting married. Sorry for babling, Im just so confused, I dont know what to do, he has never done anything to hurt me, I am the one hurting myself. I cant live without him, but I cant go pretending that nothing bothers me.