Urgently need all the help and advice

[Eddie]

I'm the one with the spoiled gf who treats her mom disrespectfully and I suddenly got aware of it that she might treat me the same once we're living together. after i got aware of that, other negative stuff in our relationship sinks in, that i decided to end the relationship. for your reference here are my post:

 

1.) i really need all the advice here, friday 3 august 2001, 10:28am

 

2.) update...i really need all the advice here, friday 10 august 2001, 2:25am

 

3.) update(i really need all the advice here), friday 10 august 2001, 2:35pm

 

after the break-up, my gf asked if we can still be friends and to maintain some communication. i know i shouldn't and the people who responded to my message also told me not to talk to her anymore, but i'm only human and i pity her, and i thought that it might help her go on.

 

but after a few days, we talked on the phone again, during our conversation she asked me if it's better for me that she won't send anymore text messages and talk on the phone, since i began to sense that it's not a good idea to have communications anymore, i told her straight that it will be better for both of us.

 

she then started to cry and asked if what was the real reason that i ended the relationship. she told me that how can i do such a thing after all the promises i made to her which she was expecting with all her heart. she told me how stupid she was in believing all my promises, and how was she was supposed to know, i was so kind and good and so loving to her then i suddenly changed my mind, that's why she can't accept what happened coz she said my reasons are very unreasonable.

 

i then tried my best again to explain what my real reason was. hoping that she'll understand.

 

then, suddenly her mom was talking to me on the phone. she asked me what's the real reason and she also asked me if it's bcoz i already got her daughter's virginity and my mission is over. her mom also told me that i destroyed her daughter's life. she told me that she didn't want to interfere in her daugther's personal life, but after the break up, she always saw her daughter crying and is not concentrating on her studies anymore, and as a mother she can't help but cry with her also which led her to talk to me.

 

her mother also told me that she thought i was a nice person even though she's very against our relationship but it turns out i'm not. so i tried my best again to explain what the real reason was, so they could understand, and her mom pause for awhile and i don't know if she got what i meant or what.

 

she then passed the phone to her daugther again. again, my ex was asking for the real reason.she's a bit angry at this point. she again told me what a bad person i was and how could i change my mind that quick after all the promises. she even told me that i knew along that i was going to end it. in short, she accused me for planning the whole situation.

 

i then told her that, if i'm a bad person with a bad intention, she would have noticed it already and she doesn't have to wait for the relationship to end to know me. i also told her that i'm not that kind of a person that will waste my time just to satisfy my evil plans while pretending to be good for her without she noticing it.

 

i also told her that i just want to live a single life so i won't hurt anyone anymore and also to serve as punishment for myself coz i've already hurt two persons(including her) who have loved me.

 

she then told me that maybe i'm not a normal person bcoz at one point i was so sweet and kind, she considered me to be the best but all of a sudden i changed my mind bcoz of some stupid reason. i told her that i've already tried my best to explain what the reason was, but if she'll insist that i'm an abnormal then so be it, especially if she'll feel better.

 

she then asked me if i think i will enjoy my life being single but i didn't answer right away, instead i asked her the same question. she answered but this time raising her voice, that she will indeed enjoy her single life and then she asked me again if i think i will enjoy my single life, this time i answered that if you'll enjoy it so will i eventually. she then told me that i was wrong bcoz i won't ever enjoy my single life and she's sure about it bcoz of the law of karma(what goes around, comes around). she told me to wait and see bcoz i will get my karma. then my ex hang up on me with a loud slam.

 

now, my questions are:

 

1.) is her behavior normal? does anyone heard about this before? is it bcoz of her age? she's 19.

 

2.) is there something that i did wrong? is my reason really unreasonable and i only panic when the thought of her behavior on her mom happening to me came?

 

3.) i know this may sound funny, but is there a chance that they will have me killed? as they sound really upset. or maybe put a voodoo curse on me. coz one time my ex let me guess(while we're fooling around) what she'll do if i dump her for another woman, and i was able to answer correctly that she'll put a voodoo curse on me. she even asked me if i think i won't regret this for the rest of my life bcoz she assures me i will, again bcoz of karma. then i told her if i was wrong then i'm willing to accept it, she then told me that i should accept it coz it will come.

 

4.) what should i do? i can't seem to get over this and my conscience is bothering me bcoz i admit, i made so many promises and i know that she had expected it. i know she's very very hurt that sometimes i find myself in tears when i think of how she cried and how i made her hope?

 

i am very confused and i really don't know what to do. i can't even talked to my brother or parents or friends bcoz all of them were against the relationship very much and asking their help will only have negative effects. i really need all the help and advice, and not bcoz i'm afraid to get killed or get cursed, but bcoz i don't want to feel guilty anymore and i don't want my conscience to bother me anymore coz i know she's very hurt and she did loved me. i would really appreciate any help and advice.

[Tony T]

1.) is her behavior normal?

 

No, she is pretty much crazy.

 

does anyone heard about this before?

 

I have heard of some nutty people, yes, and I avoid them like the plague.

 

is it bcoz of her age? she's 19.

 

No, it's because she is crazy, was raised by a crazy mother, and is the victim of a highly dysfunctional home environment.

 

2.) is there something that i did wrong?

 

Yes, you took the time to even give a crap about this. If you were smart, you would just get away from these people and forget this part of your life. The only thing you have done wrong is get stuck in trying to figure out a bunch of crazy people. It just won't happen.

 

is my reason really unreasonable and i only panic when the thought of her behavior on her mom happening to me came?

 

I have no idea what this question means...but I don't think it makes any difference.

 

3.) i know this may sound funny, but is there a chance that they will have me killed?

 

There is a chance that almost anything can happen. But I don't think they will have you killed unless you stick around like you've been doing.

 

as they sound really upset. or maybe put a voodoo curse on me.

 

If you are really serious, you may be as crazy as this girl and her family. Voodoo is a bunch of doodoo. Go take a cold shower and get a life. Voodoo is only in the movies.

 

4.) what should i do?

 

If you aren't man enough to move on, see a psychologist for help.

 

i can't seem to get over this and my conscience is bothering me bcoz i admit, i made so many promises and i know that she had expected it. i know she's very very hurt that sometimes i find myself in tears when i think of how she cried and how i made her hope?

 

You have no control over the reactions and feelings of other people. Feelings are a choice. If you want to feel guilty, go right ahead...but I think that's just nuts.

 

i am very confused and i really don't know what to do.

 

Get out of the situation and don't look back. If you have a great need for drama in your life, go see some good movies.

[midori]

after the break-up, my gf asked if we can still be friends and to maintain some communication.

I sense a trap here ...

but after a few days, we talked on the phone again, during our conversation she asked me if it's better for me that she won't send anymore text messages and talk on the phone, since i began to sense that it's not a good idea to have communications

getting worse ....

she then started to cry and asked if what was the real reason that i ended the relationship. she told me that how can i do such a thing after all the promises i made to her which she was expecting with all her heart.

ah, yes. You walked right into it.

 

Dear Eddie,

 

I don't know if you've found my advice to be at all useful to your situation but I tried to keep in mind that you were coming from a very different place, with different cultural norms & customs & expectations than what is typical in America. But this time those differences don't even come into play because you're dealing with a break-up pattern that is more universal. Well, except for the voodoo bit.

 

Your girlfriend is going to do whatever she thinks might work in order to get you back. She pretended to want to be friends for a little while but that was just a ruse; she was biding her time waiting for you to realize what a big mistake you'd made in breaking up with her. When that didn't work she started to attack you. She's playing the role of scorned lover to the hilt and it's no surprise since you have described a spoiled, selfish brat of a girl.

 

Her mother -- the woman who lets her daughter walk all over her -- is obviously going to chime in on her daughter's side. I pity the mother, her daughter was bad enough to live with before but I'll bet she's insufferable right now. No wonder she blames you! But that's not your problem -- she's the one who raised a little hellcat. Unable to focus on her schoolwork -- ha! -- more like she's unable to hand in completed homework assignments now that you aren't around to do them for her!! Incidentally I'm sure the mother is secretly very happy that you ended the relationship since, as you've said, she didn't approve of it. That doesn't mean she'll be grateful to you. Don't give anything she says a second thought.

 

Some of your girlfriend's behavior is to be expected I think. She's just had a big, shocking disappointment -- perhaps the first of her life -- and those are never easy to handle at first. The very nature of breaking up with someone means that it is not your responsibility to help them get over it. You've got yourself to worry about.

 

Don't allow any more communication between you and this girl/her mother/ any other representative of her "cause." It simply won't help you or her. Change your pager #, cellphone, etc. so that she no longer can access you through those ways. If she does manage to get to you and is nice, respond in kind, keep it brief, and don't encourage or facilitate a follow-up. Remember that her niceness is probably just a cover for her true motive which will probaby be either a) getting you back or b) vengeance. If she's nasty when/if she reaches you, cut her off without further ado. This is going to be a long, hard lesson for your ex girlfriend -- not only does she need to get over her wounded heart & pride (and I'm guessing that the latter was hurt more than the former), but she's got a whole lot of growing up to do and needs to understand that the world will not end simply because she doesn't get her way. It's her lesson to learn (or not learn). Your job is to get away from her, no good for either of you can come from remaining in her life in any capacity. Find someone else, preferably someone eligible since family acceptance seems to be important in your life and in your society.

 

As for the voodoo, I don't know what to tell you. If you really believe in that, consult someone knowledgeable who can recommend protective measures. Once she understands that it's truly over, your ex gf is sure to have a lot of ill-will toward you; if voodoo is at her disposal I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate to use it against you. Which ought to tell you all you need to know about the kind of person she is and that YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!!!!

 

Go in peace and stay away from that crazy girl!

[Miss Mojo]

hi eddie,

 

i'm sorry to hear that these people are carrying on in this manner towards you. it sounds to me as though both of these women are very self-absorbed and manipulating (not to mention somewhat straaaaaange).

 

it's not your reasons that are unreasonable...it's your girlfriends behaviour that is unreasonable (which was the catalyst for you doing the reasonable thing and breaking-up with her).

 

her mum has a right nerve to get on the phone and start attacking you like that. what a nosy bitch! it's NONE of her business what happened between you and her daughter. who does she think she is to insinuate such things???? you did not destroy anyone's life. if your ex's life is "destroyed" (what an exaggeration and a half), then it's all her own fault. *please* try not to pity her. heaven's to betsy, they are two incredibly manipulating, selfish women!

 

i know it's easy to feel for another person, but please don't hang around her and keep in contact all because you pity her. that is one of the worst reasons to be acquainted with someone.

 

when a relationship breaks up, it is (9 times out of 10) very painful for at least one of the people in the relationship. crying and feeling down are not feelings that are only exclusive to your ex. maybe her mother should wake up and realise this. you had a damn good reason for breaking up with this girl. stick to your guns.

 

now, to your questions:-

 

1.) is her behavior normal? does anyone heard about this before? is it bcoz of her age? she's 19.

 

for people who are totally self-absorbed and manipulating and hurt, yes this is normal. it sure as hell sounds like it's part of her character (guess who she inherited it from?). it has nothing to do with age. when a person behaves this way, it's usually in-built. look at her mother, and how old is she? neither of these women will change because it's part of who they are.

 

in a nutshell, she's a froot loop who was brought up by an equally frooty loop.

 

2.) is there something that i did wrong? is my reason really unreasonable and i only panic when the thought of her behavior on her mom happening to me came?

 

you did nothing wrong. your actions were the fairest thing for all concerned when you consider you weren't happy.

 

the things that these 2 women say to you are designed to hit you where it hurts. i cannot reiterate enough how manipulative they sound. don't take to heart a damn thing they say.

 

3.) i know this may sound funny, but is there a chance that they will have me killed? as they sound really upset. or maybe put a voodoo curse on me. coz one time my ex let me guess(while we're fooling around) what she'll do if i dump her for another woman, and i was able to answer correctly that she'll put a voodoo curse on me.

 

i think it's highly unlikely they will have you killed. but of course, if there's something you haven't told us here about her family, then maybe you ought to consider joining a witness protection program (just kidding).

 

theoretically speaking, voodoo is a load of doggydoo. personally, i think it is crap. is her family bible "the crucible" or something?? if your ex's name is abigail, i would get the hell out of there, move to tasmania and change your name.

 

4.) what should i do?

 

get on with your life.

 

so many promises are made in relationships, but sometimes circumstances change where we just can't go through with those promises anymore. people change and they don't deserve the promises we made to them.

 

it's not your fault she feels the way she does. you didn't MAKE her feel anything.

 

tell her that you don't want anymore contact, and that these things happen to people all the time.

 

you'll stop feeling guilty the minute you stop letting people say crap to you that causes you to have these feelings of guilt.

 

best wishes