Plato (continued)

[Stuck]

Hello everyone, again. I wrote in a couple of weeks ago about the platonic friend issue. I am sorry to report that I have not worked up the nerve to tell my friend that I would be happy to not be just friends anymore. It's not that I haven't had plenty of opportunities. We have, as usual, spent an inordinate amount of time together, at least one occassion involving a decent amount of tongue-loosening wine.

 

Why have I not told him I have feelings for him? Mainly because of a friend's advice (she doesn't know him). She believes anyone who's 39 and still dating 20 year olds (as he is) is immature, never going to settle down and not worth my time; also that he's too set in his own ways by now. I should add that we live abroad, in a country where socio-economic conditions have created a surplus of nice girls who are willing to date just for the sake of a free dinner (ie I doubt he would be able to do this if we were in the west). He says he's only going out with them for fun, but would never want anything serious with them. He's even got a pretty bad reputation for it. Does this really mean he doesn't want anything serious with anyone? It does seem suspicious.

 

On the other hand, somehow I feel like we are *already* a couple. We meet for coffee. We go out on the weekends. We cook dinner together. We do our shopping together. We argue about politics. We take road trips. Whatever. He also made at least two joking references to us getting engaged this past week. We're just not physically involved. What is going on here?

 

Perhaps I should also mention that he teases me about the guys who like me -- I tend to have guys who seem to really like me (sometimes too much) but I am pretty picky. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he thinks I'll blow him off too. I also tend to be rather sarcastic, and even more so when I'm nervous (so I end up behaving like a little kid who is extra mean to the person s/he actually likes). So, er, I'm not really suave at sending out those signals when I should.

 

I just don't feel like making the first move. But if I ever do work up the nerve: any advice?

 

And, I would like to hear other opinions on whether or not I am dealing with a professional skirt chaser here, and if this is even worth pursuing.

 

Thanks...

[Tony T]

You are the ONLY human being in the entire world who can answer your questions. And the only way you are going to be able to answer your questions is by talking to him.

 

Your inability to communicate your feelings effectively may be a sign you are not ready for a close relationship. If that's the case, simply continue to enjoy the relationship as it is.

 

Once you have established that you desire more than a platonic friendship with him, you will then have a platform from which you can acquire the answers to all your other questions. At that time, he will feel obligated in some fashion to disclose problems he may have that prevent him from having close, long term relationships...or he may disclose to you that the feelings are mutual and he feels like he would want more as well.

 

I promise you, most red-blooded males with the standard dose of testosterone will behave exactly as he does. I think your friend who said he may be immature is way off the mark and knows little about humans. Making generalizations like that is not good and you should not depend on her for information in the future. There are thousands of reasons a man may reach his 40's without ever having been married, the least of which being he may just not have found the right person or wanted to be married.

 

There are dozens of good reasons people stay single besides immaturity. The Pope has never been married because he wants to keep his job.

 

You better work up some nerve here. You are wasting precious time if nothing is going to come of this. You need passion and romance in your life. Flush this out. If you're not going to get it from this guy, you'll need to go elsewhere.

 

Just let him know you are very open to upgrading the friendship...then let him take it from there. If he changes the subject, you need to make some changes.

[Artlover]

I agree with Tony that it's dangerous to make generalizations, but...it has been my experience (and my friends' experience and my friends' friends' experience) that men who reach 40 or older and have never been married have ISSUES. Whether it's a prolonged adolescence or a fear of commitment or just a decision to remain single (which of course, isn't an issue), I've found that men who reach that age and have not settled down yet are generally not going to...for a while...maybe never.

 

Now, since this guy dates young girls, maybe he will ultimately make a better match for a younger woman and knows that and that's fine too. Maybe he dates young girls, becuase he feels less pressure to commit to a marriage/family situation with a younger woman. In this case, maybe you two can work out nicely.

 

Tell him how you feel and see what happens, but keep your eyes open, please. If you're looking for marriage or something serious and long term, chances are, this guy isn't dating young girls for that. Just keep these things in mind if you two decide to date. I really do hope he's an exception.

 

P.S. The reason I believe a man who's 40 and has never settled down is more risky than an unmarried woman in that same age category is:

 

a. A woman's biological clock is pretty much ringing off the hook by that time and if she has any interest in having children (even if she has previously put it off for a career) she will probably take all potential partners seriously, with an eye towards marriage/co-habitation.

 

b. Like it or not (and I'm not sure I like it) women generally have to wait to be asked to get married. Sure women can cajole, persuade, even issue ultimatums, but a man ultimately/traditionally (a traditon that is not in the least outdated) puts the engagement ring on the woman's finger.

You are the ONLY human being in the entire world who can answer your questions. And the only way you are going to be able to answer your questions is by talking to him. Your inability to communicate your feelings effectively may be a sign you are not ready for a close relationship. If that's the case, simply continue to enjoy the relationship as it is. Once you have established that you desire more than a platonic friendship with him, you will then have a platform from which you can acquire the answers to all your other questions. At that time, he will feel obligated in some fashion to disclose problems he may have that prevent him from having close, long term relationships...or he may disclose to you that the feelings are mutual and he feels like he would want more as well.

 

I promise you, most red-blooded males with the standard dose of testosterone will behave exactly as he does. I think your friend who said he may be immature is way off the mark and knows little about humans. Making generalizations like that is not good and you should not depend on her for information in the future. There are thousands of reasons a man may reach his 40's without ever having been married, the least of which being he may just not have found the right person or wanted to be married. There are dozens of good reasons people stay single besides immaturity. The Pope has never been married because he wants to keep his job.

 

You better work up some nerve here. You are wasting precious time if nothing is going to come of this. You need passion and romance in your life. Flush this out. If you're not going to get it from this guy, you'll need to go elsewhere.

 

Just let him know you are very open to upgrading the friendship...then let him take it from there. If he changes the subject, you need to make some changes.

[Stuck]

Thank you for both of your opinions and words of wisdom. Artlover's perspective is similar to what my friend's been telling me ("he's past his sell-by date! run, run!"); Tony gave me some new things to think about (I like that line about "upgrading the friendship"). Whatever my friend's problem may be (and it *may* be that he doesn't have one...) the only reason this is an issue is because I feel I need to talk to him, but can't seem to screw up the courage.

 

And that's my problem!

 

I agree with Tony that it's dangerous to make generalizations, but...it has been my experience (and my friends' experience and my friends' friends' experience) that men who reach 40 or older and have never been married have ISSUES. Whether it's a prolonged adolescence or a fear of commitment or just a decision to remain single (which of course, isn't an issue), I've found that men who reach that age and have not settled down yet are generally not going to...for a while...maybe never.

 

Now, since this guy dates young girls, maybe he will ultimately make a better match for a younger woman and knows that and that's fine too. Maybe he dates young girls, becuase he feels less pressure to commit to a marriage/family situation with a younger woman. In this case, maybe you two can work out nicely. Tell him how you feel and see what happens, but keep your eyes open, please. If you're looking for marriage or something serious and long term, chances are, this guy isn't dating young girls for that. Just keep these things in mind if you two decide to date. I really do hope he's an exception.

 

P.S. The reason I believe a man who's 40 and has never settled down is more risky than an unmarried woman in that same age category is:

 

a. A woman's biological clock is pretty much ringing off the hook by that time and if she has any interest in having children (even if she has previously put it off for a career) she will probably take all potential partners seriously, with an eye towards marriage/co-habitation. b. Like it or not (and I'm not sure I like it) women generally have to wait to be asked to get married. Sure women can cajole, persuade, even issue ultimatums, but a man ultimately/traditionally (a traditon that is not in the least outdated) puts the engagement ring on the woman's finger.