sexless marriage

[seashelly]

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, my husband has a drinking problem, and he has mentioned that he wants to quit. I do not pressure the issue, and figure, in time, he will have to be the one to do it anyway..

 

My problem is, we have NO sex. It has been almost 4 months. I try to make advances to him, and he says... Sweetie!! and lets it go.. like I'm doing something wrong.. but he will look at porn, and has told me in the last couple of weeks, that he would stop, cause I've asked him.. if he's trying to get "in the mood" to LOOK at ME.. not someone else.. he said he'd stop.. voulenteerd to stop.. but, he's still doing it..

 

I just don't know what to do.. he blames his drinking, and says he loves sex, we're together every night, and I know he's not cheating,

 

He shows some affection, just not anything that MIGHT progress to another level. Please offer advice if you can, I don't know how long I can stand it..

We're each others best friend, and we've talked several times about this, but nothing ever changes.. I don't want to split up over this, and don't intend to. But, I can't stand living as a married couple and only be friends.

[tinktronik]

seashelly, Im very sorry to hear your so unhappy. There have been many posts here about women in sexless marriges , most times the advice is to get into therapy for couples.But it sounds as though you have a bigger issue to tackle first,your husbands alchoholism , find out if hes interested in stopping or getting treatment for this first.

[witabix]

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, my husband has a drinking problem, and he has mentioned that he wants to quit. I do not pressure the issue, and figure, in time, he will have to be the one to do it anyway..

 

My problem is, we have NO sex. It has been almost 4 months. I try to make advances to him, and he says... Sweetie!! and lets it go.. like I'm doing something wrong.. but he will look at porn, and has told me in the last couple of weeks, that he would stop, cause I've asked him.. if he's trying to get "in the mood" to LOOK at ME.. not someone else.. he said he'd stop.. voulenteerd to stop.. but, he's still doing it..

 

I just don't know what to do.. he blames his drinking, and says he loves sex, we're together every night, and I know he's not cheating,

 

He shows some affection, just not anything that MIGHT progress to another level. Please offer advice if you can, I don't know how long I can stand it..

We're each others best friend, and we've talked several times about this, but nothing ever changes.. I don't want to split up over this, and don't intend to. But, I can't stand living as a married couple and only be friends.

 

Agree with Tink here.

 

The drinking has to be sorted out first. You have appraoched this correctly I think. Pressurising him will be counter productive.

 

Gentle persuasion is not too much though. He may need to see what he may be losing here.

 

You are best friends, continue to talk, try to find the root cause of what he needs the booze for. What is driving him in this self destructive direction.

 

Thats what it is, self destruction, and the destruction of those around and near you.

 

It may need to get worse before it gets better.

 

He seems to be treating you well at the moment, but you need to be aware that he is heading for a very long, dark, tunnel if he continues to drink.

 

There are only two outcomes here. He stops and comes to. Or he continues and destroys himself, his life and possibly you too. You must also look after yourself and your well being, at the same time trying to be there for him, if thats what you want to do.

 

Even if your sex life resumes, if he continues on this path, you will realise that the problem is booze.

 

Alcohol is not always a good opener for sex.

 

If it is affecting his libido (how does he use porn?) it is affecting other parts of him.

 

You are right, he will only change when he wants to, it may be pianful to watch the man you love go through this.

 

You have my best wishes.

[whichwayisup]

Would you two consider marriage counselling? Or would he consider going to see someone on his own?

 

He could be depressed, he sees that he has to stop drinking and having a hard time coping. The porn thing isn't helping either and only making you feel bad, as I'm sure he is fully aware of this. Seems too, he may not be feeling sexual - period. Have more cuddle time, fool around, do massages, have baths together...See where that leads to. Go on a mini getaway, either to a nice hotel or a ski trip if you two ski.

 

The more you two talk, the better the marriage will become. It isn't easy at times on a good day, so I'm sure this is going to be difficult to approach, especially if he gets defensive. Tell him you love and you want this marriage to be wonderful! Maybe he's feeling insecure too.

[seashelly]

We have talked about counseling, he views it as someone else doesn't need to solve his problems, he knows the drinking is a BIG issue, probably the main one, but he won't get any kind of help, and he won't slow down, despite the fact that he says he will.

 

My ex-husband was a drug addict, so I know pressuring DOES NOT help. He knows how I feel about his drinking, but, I don't put him down, or anything like that, and he knows that I support him, and will be there when he's made the decision to quit.

 

As far as cuddling, or massages and stuff like that, these are things we would do on a daily basis, but he won't have any of it. He will stroke my back, but, will NOT become intimate with me in ANY way. And as much as we've discussed this issue, it bothers me that nothing ever changes.

I don't know what to do, other than to try to be his friend, and reassure him that I love him. I just really miss him, and the closeness that we once knew. We are both so young, and have so much time on this earth. It just seems that this started shortly after we got married. He had moved from another town to where I am, and he claimed that he began drinking because he likes it. Then it was to fit in.. ( even tho I don't drink and we don't go out ) But, I have found out, that this has been an issue with him for years.

 

Thank you all for your replys. I will just have to wait it out, I suppose..

[seashelly]

He has also gained several pounds since we've been married, and I know this is something that does bother him, and one reason why he doesn't want to be intimate, even tho, I see him as sexy as always, it doesn't seem to matter. I don't know how to reassure him that I feel the way I do, but, I don't know if it would change how he feels about himself.

I believe he IS depressed, tho he jokes around alot, and we goof off most of the time that we're together, We rarely have serious conversations about things, but, when we do, it usually stems to all of these subjects.

[witabix]

Did something happen to damage his self esteem, any major life events like bereavement, job loss, health issues?

 

These can have a strange and negative effect on a persons life outlook.

 

You mentioned him moving, this is one of the most stressful things you can do. Was it particularly difficult for him?

[seashelly]

The move wasn't difficult, as he has studied oversea's. But I think the fact that he quit school after ten years of study was something that bothers him. ( He needed approx. 1 more year to get his degree) but this was something he did long before we met, but I know that does bother him. I told him if he wanted to go back to school, that I would be more than willing to support that decision, and he should persue it if he wanted to.

 

Health issues, have progressed, but most of it could be avoided by giving up alcohol.

 

I have two children from a previous marriage, and he's never had to be a "father" before, and I know that this is something he's had a hard time dealing with, tho.. he is very good with them. I know he's had a stressful time with everything that he's "inherited" by marrying me, and having a family was something that was very important to him.

 

Now that things are settling down, with the new marriage, family life, etc.. we have become so distant in the intimacy area. He's a good man, and I love him to death, so this is not an issue that would ruin our marriage. It's just something that has been difficult to deal with.. I just miss him, and the moments that we used to have.. We get along great, and talk and joke around all the time. But the closeness of a husband/wife union.. isn't there.

[witabix]

That sounds sad seashelly, I am sorry for both of you.

 

It sounds like he has had a fairly stressful time. This may pass in time of its own accord. You seem very supportive, which is excellent, keep on being that way.

 

He should watch his drinknig though, especially if its causing health problems. Does he have any one he respects that could talk to him about it? (NOT implying that it is not you)

 

Could he be depressed? Is his sleeping ok? Eating ok?

[seashelly]

Yes, he's talked to a good friend of his, that is actually a recovering addict, I know that he wants to quit, but, he feels that he can do it "alone" because he's overcome other things by his self. Stubborn, I tell ya..

 

He sleeps, and eats fine. I think his drinking, at first was just to have a good time, and eventually it became such a habit that it progressed to "needing" it. I know he can do it, I believe in him, but, I do think he's too stubborn for his own good.

He knows I'm there, but, I think it's going to take more than me being there for him to do what he needs to do. I don't pressure him, or even bring it up, unless he wants to discuss it. But, he does know that I wish he would give it up, for his heath, and financially. He still goes to work everyday, and doesn't become mean and hateful like a lot of people. But, I know it is effecting him, sometimes more than he shows. I'm concerned about him, but I don't know how to give him the "push" to help him quit.

I appreciate your advise witabix,.. thank you so much

[witabix]

I hope he can do it on his own, it is entirely possible.

 

Some people require to have the illusion of doing it alone. You being there for him and him knowing that could well be all he needs. You are right not to badger or pressure. Your support and love must be apparent to him.

 

I have been similarly stubborn in the past, before I realised that admitting I was losing was not a sign of failure. Asking for help is not weakness. Try to get that through to him, that you will not view him as weak if he feels the need to ask for help from someone. Maybe do it in a roundabout way by referencing something you watch together on tv or hear about on the news, where you can point out that the person should have asked for help before the situation got so bad. I think you probably know what I mean.

 

Give him space and time as you have been doing.

 

Patience and fortitude for you.

 

The best of good fortune to you Seashelly.

 

And its my pleasure to offer you any words of advice or comfort that I may, I am glad to be of assistance.

[seashelly]

Is that a reason for him to not even kiss me?

 

I asked him last night, just to love on me a bit.. and kiss me.. he wouldn't even do that.. just put his arm around me, and gave me a quick goodnight kiss. I am doing my best to be patient, but, I think there's more than what he's telling me. It's like he always just "brushes me off" and then acts like it shouldn't bother me. He's changed SO much. I don't think alcohol is the reason for him being this way.

 

And why would he look at stuff on the computer, and ignore me? I just don't understand. I told him, it felt like he just wasn't interested in me. He said, "that's not it at all".. so, I said.. then what is it? he said he didn't know? I don't know how to respond to him. I feel like he is only my friend, not my husband, for heaven's sake, he won't even "KISS" me. He doesn't make me feel like he's in love with me, and he brushes me off if I try to discuss it with him.

[witabix]

It seems you are becoming frustrated.

 

I understand why that would be the case.

 

He may genuinely not know what is wrong, or may feel unable to talk about what is going on.

 

Remember you other posts, you know he is not cheating.

 

He has put on some weight and drinks a little too much.

 

You thought he may be depressed.

 

His actions may be a further sign of his depression.

 

Stay calm, and relaxed. Try to be close to him without pressuring him. Accept his arm around you and tell him how good it feels. Look into his eyes when you say this.

 

Don't expect anything to happen immediately.

 

As I said before patience is the virtue here. Of course indefinate patience can be a prison.

 

Give him more time, as much as you feel you can allow. Do not let this build up into antagonism towards him. That will close off all avenues of communication, but keep an eye on your own feelings.

 

You do not have to be a martyr.

 

What 'stuff' is he looking at on the PC? Is it what I think it may be?

[seashelly]

I'm trying very hard to be patient and understanding, yes, I'm sure you know what he's looking at. He claims that it's to help him become aroused. Problem is, he does it when I'm not home! I've asked him, to look at ME, instead of looking at other women to help him. Told him, that I felt he was betraying me because he seems to PREFER to look elsewhere, when he has NOTHING to do with me. He said a month or so ago that he would stop, because he's finally understood what I ment, but that was a lie. He still does it, and then acts like he's being truthful to me, which really upsets me. I don't know why he would look somewhere else, when he won't even TRY to look at me. The cat pushed the bathroom door open the other night as I was getting into the shower, he completley turned away, and said "I'm not looking sweetie!" and said it was a matter of privacy, he didn't want to invade in mine?? I almost have to laugh.. most men would brake their necks to have a peek.. NOT mine..

 

He won't even let me see HIM without his shirt. It's crazy, he used to get so upset when we first got married, because I was SO shy, and self-concious and he used to tell me that "I'm your husband, you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrased about me seeing you that way." and,

"a man should know what color panties his wife is wearing" ?!?!?!Now the tables have turned, and he is worse than I ever thought of being.

 

I just feel that he's not attracted to me. He says he is.. we goof off alot, and he sends mixed signals by doing this too sometimes.. he'll moon me and giggle.. or pat my hiney.. but that's as FAR as it goes.. But, if I try to initiate ANYTHING.. he says..... "SWEETIE!" like he's scolding me like a child.??!?!? I am so confused.. I don't know how to handle the situation.

 

I just need more intimacy.. there's NO passion at all.. everything seems to be a joke of some kind.. and when we talk about something serious.. it's not about "US" and if it's about US.. he gets quiet and won't really speak..he says he locks up on subjects of the heart??!? I don't understand what that means, he used to be SO open, and wasn't afraid of discussing his feelings with me about anything!

 

If he'd just hold me tight, and acted like he really WANTED to.. that would be enough. But, he doesn't.

 

other than a kiss goodnight, kiss goodbye.. which is only a little smooch.. he doesn't even OFFER to hug me.. but will return a hug if I initiate, and eat up any affection that I show HIM.. he just won't return it at all. He used to be SO affectionate, more than I ever was, that's why this is so hard for me to understand.

 

Sorry, I seem to be babbeling on and on.. please forgive me.. I just miss the closeness that we had so much, and don't really understand what has happend..

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like he's gotten comfy with the what he is doing on the computer and it's become abit of a habit...

 

I think he is depressed and it's not about you. He is unhappy with his weight, he doesn't feel sexy, or good about himself - So ofcourse that is going to be in his head and get him feeling worse. He is probaby worried about letting you down, not being able to please you sexually.

 

Suggestion! Set up a nice night, just the two of you. Romantic, candles, music and cook a nice dinner. Then afterwards, lay him down (Do you have a fire place? Oh and if you have kids, send them to a family members house for the night...)Light a fire in the fireplace, and make the night about him. Give him a massage. Make him feel loved, desired. It doesn't have to lead to physical sex, (tell him that too so there's no pressure) just tell him it's a way for you two to feel intimate and close again. Putting the smile back on his face.

 

I believe that if you keep on showing him, telling him you love him and find him HOT, he will respond in a good way. He could have some pretty negative thoughts in his head and that is why he's not into having sex. Being alone and taking care of business may be helping him relieve some stress, but it is also causing a problem ...

[seashelly]

That makes sense, and I understand what you're saying.. in fact, we have our quiet time.. but, it's usually at night in the bedroom.. watching tv.. or messing with fish tanks.. and it's a nice time, that we share together. But, he sometimes he pushes me away, when I try to love on him ( not actually PUSH me.. but, like I said.. it's... "SWEETIE!!!").. the problem is ... sometimes he'll let me do these things.. but, it's like he soaks it up.. and then.. okay goodnight..??! It doesn't bother me that bad, that it's like that.. it's the fact, that it's like that ALL the time. I understand he works hard, and other influences in life might affect the intimacy..

 

But, it's the fact that he WILL NOT even try.. will not come up to me and love on ME. It's like, if I give him affection.. he loves it.. soaks it up.. but he doesn't show it to me like that anymore.. "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I've always believed in that.. and do my best to be patient, understanding.. loving.. but, it feels like he's taking advantage of me. I love him to death, and would do anything for him, but, I just feel that MY feelings should be as IMPORTANT to HIM as his are to me..

[whichwayisup]

Suggest to him maybe it's time he should consider talking to a therapist. Do it in a loving way - Tell him it's breaking your heart that he is so unhappy and you want to help him through this, but you feel you can't ... That this is something he has to do on his own.

 

That is part of the problem. Him not opening up to you and showing you HIS love for you. Which, is why he should go talk to someone. He has some sort of depression or something going on.

 

OR...And I hate to say this, but I have to...Or the porn thing has gotten out of hand and he's needing it more and more...

[Presario]

He used to be SO affectionate, more than I ever was, that's why this is so hard for me to understand.

 

Maybe at one point he realized that he worked hard on the relationship, while you didn't and so he decided to pull the plug. Maybe it's a way for him to make you feel the way he felt before? Sometimes when I cook nice dinners, do massages, hugging, kissing, complimenting for weeks and there is no making love (I'm sorry, often it's all about sex), then I think I should cut it and see what happens. The problem is that I can't be indifferent for more than a week, because I need kissing and hugging too.

 

I don't blame you. I understand your situation, and I hope things will get better. I understand it's normal that sometimes you are more affectionate, sometimes your spouse. I only try to offer some ideas.

 

Maybe he works too much? When I'm tired I even don't feel like doing things I like. Go and have a rest during a weekend - go for a picnic to a park? A bike ride? A long walk? Maybe a swimming pool? I have a feeling I'm not helping you much, but I wish you all the best.

[seashelly]

Thank you both for your reply's.. The porn thing.. well, I don't think it's THAT bad.. I know he may only look once or twice a week.. and I know he could also go without it.. and I've never been UNaffectionate, we've always been very close, and showed our feelings, and never had a problem talking about things. (Except this one ) We are BEST friends, and I know he would do anything for me, and I for him.

 

But, he feels that our problems.. no matter what they are.. are OURS to deal with. He won't go see anyone to discuss them, he's a very private person, so I am the one he usually comes to, to talk about stuff.. and I think that is why this is so hard, because he's afraid to discuss whatever the problem is with me, or at least, this is what I am thinking.

 

He works alot, but, it's not a physical type of labor. So I don't think it has anything to do with work, or else he would tell me. I think maybe whichwayisup was right, I do think he's uncomfortable with his appearence.. tho,.. I still think he's a doll... It does no good to tell him, cause he tells me I'm nuts.. I tell him all the time he's sexy and flirt with him almost daily so he knows, how I feel about him. But, I think it's more to do with his own self-image, and I can't do anything to help him with that, at least nothing I can think of, that I'm not already doing.

 

I try to reassure him, and let him know my feelings are deep, and true. That no matter what happens in our life together, our friendship is strong enough to overcome everything. He says he feels the same way, I just wish all of this would pass, and he'd see what a beautiful person he is.. inside and out...

[witabix]

Seashelly your last few posts indicate to me that he has a self image problem too.

 

This may lead to him drink more, which in turns worsens his self image and reduces libido. A vicious cycle that is hard to break.

 

WWIU as usual has come with a good suggestion a la the romantic dinner thing.

 

As I said before pressurising him him will make it worse. Let him know you WANT him.

 

As a woman you will know how to do this better than I.

[Presario]

He works alot, but, it's not a physical type of labor. So I don't think it has anything to do with work, or else he would tell me.

 

If you drain your brain, you can feel miserable; it doesn't have to be physical work.

 

Maybe he's not that into you for some reason. Yesterday my wife and I watched "Sex and the City." It was the episode where Miranda tries to figure out why her date ignores her. The answer she found was "he's not that into me." I know that sounds harsh. I know that your H was into you some time ago, but not he's not now. I don't know the reason why. Have you rulled out an affair?

[seashelly]

I can almost bet that he's not having an affair,.. unless he's doing it at work... (He works retail) and there would always be lots of people around, so I don't think this is possible.

 

He's home every night, and I take him to and from work.. since we only have one vehicle at this time. We're together all the time, when he's not working. We are very close, share everything together. Except this particullar subject.

He won't bother to talk about it.. If I bring it up.. which has been quite some time.. He will get quiet, or brush me off somehow.

 

I know he loves me, I know he WANTS to be with me, just not in the way it used to be. I don't know if he's staying with me... for convienence (sp?) As, I have my own home, and pay most all of the bills. He usually spends his paycheck on beer, and groceries every now and then... He has a place for his stuff, and I take care of the payments?? I do whatever I can for him, and He knows that I will... So, it does seem that he's taking advantage of me. The vehicle was just purchased.. and I am the one who is also paying the bill on that. I think I may be living in a fairy tale, and not seeing what is right before me, but maybe I'm beginning to????

[witabix]

He may have gotten too comfortable with this type of arrangement.

 

Maybe you need to have a more direct talk with him.

 

What is it you think you beginning to see?

[seashelly]

I think he's being selfish, and taking advantage of me. We are friends, but, I think I do more for this friendship. He will help in some ways if I ask for it, but, if this is a marriage/partnership, I think he should OFFER to help pay bills and stuff like that. He does things around the house, and I appreciate that, but, I feel like so much is loaded down on me. Maybe I'm making too much out of it. Maybe it's not what I feel like it is. I just think he wants whatever he wants, and I have to deal with it.. I don't think that's fair.. and if I come out and tell him this, he says I'm being foolish. But, nothing is changed by talking about it..

[tweldy]

seashelly,

When you say he spends a substantial amount of his paycheck on beer, I have to think that's a lot of beer, not like drinking two or three over the course of an evening. Does he drink a six pack or more a night? If so, I'm pretty sure the alcohol comsumption needs to be addressed or things will not improve. After that, you can see where you stand with things. Unfortunately this is probably really a difficult task and I'm not sure where you would need to start.