Tired of Games

[AltplanB]

I am really tired of her stringing me along and responding sometimes and being all flirty and then other times just blowing me off when I ask her out or just want to talk to her so should I send this? I know if it backfires I will be devastated but I also am not the type to play games..

 

I respect you a lot for the way you’ve handled this and how you’re trying not to string me along. I understand the whole mixed signals/confusion thing and I also understand that I should just leave you alone, especially since you are dating others. I don’t want to start drama and I am sorry for what I did that last night we saw each other. Know that I was hurt by your decision, but that I also realize you did it for the best. When it comes to this kind of stuff, I’m not the game playing type. The reason I do all this and try is because it all doesn’t matter to me. Your problems don’t matter. Mike doesn’t matter. What I am going through doesn’t matter. What matters are my feelings for you and I know I am going to regret writing this later but who the **** cares. I miss you. I would like to be close to you again. I would like to forget about all this non-sense start by being friends. If you don’t feel any of this is a good idea, then just tell me to leave you alone. I’ll cut everything and keep things going with Whitney. But remember that I never lied about how I felt and that those feelings will not change. What is funny is that all the advice and all reasoning that I have gotten has told me not to write this.

[RZA-Man]

Like everyone else I suggest doing NC. However, if you have to do this then do it. I sent a similiar e-maill to my ex and she totally shot me down. I wasn't surprised by this, but I was taken aback by how cold her response was. I loved this girl and at one time she loved me. For her to pretty much brush me off in her response after I essentially poured my heart into the e-mail REALLY HURT. It made me wonder how she could change and that maybe our relationship didn't mean anything to her. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you send the e-mail, be prepared to feel A LOT of hurt. At the same time I did attain a certain amount of closure. I know that there's nothing I can say or do to get her to come back so the temptation to contact her isn't as strong. Moreover, it's starting to hit me (in my heart, my mind was aware of this when I first got dumped) that the relationship is TRULY OVER. Think of the e-mail as your Hail Mary pass. It probably won't succeed, but at least you tried. After sending this you have to move on. Best of luck.

[cygny]

DON'T send it.

 

You are pressuring her. although it doesn't seem to you, you are.

 

she will not respond well.

[gfto]

DON'T send it! I don't mean to be so blunt, but your e-mail is just whining and groveling. You have to understand that she couldn't care less about your feelings. If anything, your e-mail will just annoy her and probably give her a good laugh.

[jonny87]

I have to agree. DO NOT send it.

 

I've done stuff like that, and trust me, it doesn't work. Like the others said, you'll just come across as whiny and needy and that will do nothing but push her further away.

 

Your first paragraph sounds exactly like my situation. And I've sent an e-mail almost exactly like that. I've had a phone conversation almost exactly like that. And you know what happened? Nothing. No response. And when there was a response it wasn't positive. So, my advice is to just drop it. It's good that you wrote that, but don't send it. I'd recommend keeping a journal or something that you can write stuff like that in when you get the urge to. And when you get angry or bitter or depressed, write what you want to say to her in your journal. But NEVER send it to her.

 

What you're trying to do is save what you had before. I tried to do the same thing. But what you've got to understand is, whatever you had before is over. That relationship is dead. If you're ever going to have a second chance with her, it's going to be a completely new situation. A new relationship. Just think about it that way. When you see her again, think of her as someone you've just met, or at least a friend that you don't have any kind of romantic or dating history with.

[cygny]

if you EVER send her a woman a note in this kind of situation where you are getting the treatment, you must be very light and breezey in a way that basically says you don't give a damn. You have to poke her in a way that says you're moving on, hey-ho. Any thing else you send will be self-destructive. You are not in an emotional state in which to be capable of that kind of note now, so write about your pain to get it out of your system and never ever ever send it.

[pippen_2k]

One thing I learnt over the past couple of years is to never act on your emotions.... well not straight away newayz.

 

Sure write the letter, but dont go sending it straight away. Sleep on the letter, or ask for someone elses opinion ( like your doing ) and find out what you truely want/expect from this letter.

 

From what Ive read this letter is either trying to get her back through guilt or trying to make her feel the pain your experiencing..... both being pointless.

 

Just put urself in her shoes. If you recieved this letter how would you act? If someone poured their heart out to me with a letter like this, for whom I had no feelings for, id probably just ignore it too.

 

This letter will accomplish nothing, and them mixed signals you are getting is probably her just trying to be nice. Somtimes it would be better if the ex wasnt nice and just ignored you all together. It would save a ton of pain.

[Art_Critic]

This letter will accomplish nothing, and them mixed signals you are getting is probably her just trying to be nice. Somtimes it would be better if the ex wasnt nice and just ignored you all together. It would save a ton of pain.

 

I agree with Pippen..

 

Save yourself the pain.. I know it can be tough but nothing positive can happen from sending the letter

[AltplanB]

i left a phone message of a totally different sort. I realized later in the day that the email was going to backfire so i left her a message that was more along the lines of asking her what she thinks towards me. I also told her i missed her but that i was still having fun without her and that if she wants to just not talk for a while, it may be the right thing to do. She is like looking for someone to replace me and i think she thinks of me as a replacement bf. I dont want to get strung along anymore, especially since it is really affecting my health and all the aspects of my life, i.e. losing 20 pounds and my mojo. The only problem is that i still love her, even after 3 1/2 months of hell. I get many mixed signals from her illustrating that she thinks about me everyday and that she thinks im wonderful but that she doesn't want to hurt me again if her feelings change again. She still has feelings for me but she also has many issues that keep her at distance from me, making me break down and be the one that initiates contact, even though she responds.

 

I understand that the best thing to do is to probably stop contact and to move on but i have tried that and it has only brought me to the conclusion that i really did fall for her, even after i have dated others. I have no serious issues, no burdening mental states. I have a lot going for me and all i want is her back. I guess what i am asking is, should i just be patient and extend the offer to wait for her to figure out her confusing state. Problem now is if she responds...

[pippen_2k]

Seems your intention was to get a reply..... so dont blame her for giving you mixed messages.

 

ALL girls say the " I still think about you " and " Im confused " lines after a breakup Plan B, so your situation is by no means different.

 

Wait around and play the uncomfortable friend if you wish, but if you do, you will be making posts like this for months to come

[jonny87]

And don't ask her what she thinks about you. And don't tell her that you miss her. All of that just comes off as whiny and needy. And don't tell her that you're having fun without her. Actually have fun without her.

 

I have no serious issues, no burdening mental states.

 

I'd say you do. You said that it's affecting your health, and that you've lost 20 pounds. You sound a lot like me. I actually lost over 40 pounds because of all the depression and heartbreak I put myself through. Truthfully though, I needed to lose weight and I think I look pretty damn good now. I just wish I hadn't gone on the "broken heart diet". It sucks.

 

You said that she still has feelings for you and is confused. Has she said this to you? Or are you picking this up from her actions? Again, this sounds like me. I think I'm always trying to read stuff into her behavior that's not really there. Who knows? Maybe we're both right about our situations. Or maybe we're both wrong and are just setting ourselves up for more disappointment. The thing you've gotta do is just stop analyzing her behavior. You'll kill yourself with doubt and worry and expectations and hope. Hope isn't a bad thing, but you've got to be realistic. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

 

And above all, leave her alone. At least until she contacts you. You said that you really fell for her. I understand that. I fell for this girl I've been talking about as well. But, she doesn't feel the same way for me that she once did. I don't know if she ever will again. All I know is that pressuring her and whining and trying to guilt her into being with me doesn't work. In my situation, as well as yours, it's going to take time to resolve itself. Either way it goes. You can't force it.

 

And everytime you talk to her about it, it just makes it worse. I think all those cliches are really true: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" ..."If you love someone, set them free. And if they return to you, it was meant to be". Think about it, would you want someone pestering you and making you feel guilty? Would that make them desirable to you? You just have to step back and let her decide what she wants. If, that is, you can wait. And if you think she's really worth it.

[J dub]

should i just be patient and extend the offer to wait for her to figure out her confusing state.

Sure, if youwant to continue posting for another 6 or more months on here about similar stuff, tell her you'll wait for her. And then she'll never come back to you, because all youre doing is being a lost puppy and allowing her to walk all over you which isnt going to have her banging down your door to get back together any time soon in this life.

 

Youve gotten the same responses over and over and over, and yet you keep posting the same things, same questions and same thoughts. If youre just venting, then dont ask for opinions...because you never take the advice of others anyway. Youre going to do what you want either way, youve made that painfully obvious.

 

Oh, and dont think by rubbing this whitney girl in your ex's face is going to bring her back. It'll only pi$$ her off (in an angry "what an idiot" kind of way), and will set you back even farther.

 

You probably wont get a response to your message, because she has nothing to explain to you. And if she does, which I doubt, I am 100% sure its only going to send you into a tizzy of more confusion. She would be with you if she wanted you, and shes not. sometimes love isnt enough, sometimes just because you love someone doesnt mean theyre coming back. You need to see this for what it is and make the best of it: Shes gone, move on...

[jd2004dc]

I think it's great to end things on a positive note, and I am not strict when it comes to NC. but everyone is right: groveling will only drive her farther away as it makes you look like a wus -- and even worse, a wus who will just sit by idly as she figures "things" out.

 

in my experience people are attracted to strong, confident, funny people. this is the person you need to become if you want to have a successful relationship whether it is with your ex or someone else. at this point, however, you obviously cannot have any sort of relationship with you ex and be this person you need to become. instead of groveling to your ex, send an email just saying you think fondly of her but that you respect her decision to move on. tell her to "take care" and let that be the end of it for now -- even if she writes back. then give it at least 2 months with NC. go to the gym, go out with your friends, read, pray, date -- whatever. just don't come groveling. then after a couple months, evaluate where you are. trust me you will probably still miss the ex and have pain, but you will also see things much more clearly.

 

i broke up with my ex about 4/5 months ago. one thing i see clearly is how unattractive clingy, needy people are. there is a huge difference, i realize now, between loving someone and caring for them -- and becoming the sort of person who cannot survive without your "other." i was like that. now, slowly, i am becoming someone else. and what i have noticed in dating is that those who are like how I was do absolutely nothing for me -- they are unattractive because they are so obviously clingly. on the other hand, slightly cocky/funny/confident people are sexy. become that person. even if now you only want to do so to win your ex back, at some point it may do that and, if not, win you someone even better...

[AltplanB]

she sent me a message and she also sent a message to this girl thats a friend of mine that she knows likes me. Pretty much sums up what she is thinking and but i would like to hear what other people think.

 

First the message to me:

I'm so sorry that it has taken so long for me to get back to you! And i have lost my phone, so it hasnb't been easy for me to just call you up. Anyways, i finnaly recieved your voice mail, not sure when you sent it though. I don't want you to "leave me alone", yet i feel as though I should leave you alone. I would love to go on a date with you, though I'm not worried about the "akwardness", only the hurt feelings that may proceed. What do you think is the best thing for me to do and the best thing for you to do, if I don'[t want a romantic relationship with you? write back, let me know. I care about you and your feelings. I hope I haven't made you feel unimportant by not getting back to you promptly.

 

Then the one to this other girl:

wow. I'm a nerd.

 

anyways,

I got your message yesterday- but that was right before i wnet out & got hammered. My phone is lost, so I couldn't respond until now. Nothing is going on between us. We were together for a year and when I didn't see him as "the one" I decided to end it then and have us both move on- fair for both of us. I still care so much about him, of couse, we spent many good times together and shared a lot in a year. But, these relationships happen in everyone's lives when we are young & it is okay that they don't last forever. I'm glad he has met you- he told me about you. said you were very nice, normal, fun.. oh and by "normal" I mean doesn't have any problems [to be quiet honest and very blunt- I'm bulimic and he tried to help me through it, please don't say anything- as I don't tell realy anyone about it, just trying to give you the whole picture] He is in a rough spot right now, he can't really understand why we ended, even though I still care for him. it is hard to hear him tell me that he can't be friends with me. i hate the though of never talking to him again or never being around him. he is a real great guy, VERY caring, thoughtful, does nice little things- i thinik he is a bit nervous to get into another relationship right now. as i am too- kind of going through the same thing right now. just have fun with him, do fun things, get him out & about & I think he will come along to trust you and stuff. But, he is definately a good one- you 2 seem like you'd go together well [from your profile, at least] i'd be very happy to hear from him in a while saying that you 2 were together & happy. or even if you didn't get together- but were just happy hanging out.

 

Hope everything is going well, if you have any questions, feel free to ask- I'm pretty easy to talk to and ridiculously honest.

 

Best of luck

L

 

 

So yea tell me what you think. I dont think i will ever contact her

[kitten chick]

Wow, it sounds like you have someone who really cares about you. I'm pretty sure my ex would cheer if he heard I had died. She sounds like she has a big heart, however, I don't see how you would benefit from talking with her if you still have feelings for her (which, btw, you clearly do). I think it's ok for you to talk to her again when you're well into a new happy relationship but not before then.

[pippen_2k]

Thats as clear as it gets!

 

You 2 are finished.

[Just Visiting]

I think it's great to end things on a positive note, and I am not strict when it comes to NC. but everyone is right: groveling will only drive her farther away as it makes you look like a wus -- and even worse, a wus who will just sit by idly as she figures "things" out.

 

in my experience people are attracted to strong, confident, funny people. this is the person you need to become if you want to have a successful relationship whether it is with your ex or someone else. at this point, however, you obviously cannot have any sort of relationship with you ex and be this person you need to become. instead of groveling to your ex, send an email just saying you think fondly of her but that you respect her decision to move on. tell her to "take care" and let that be the end of it for now -- even if she writes back. then give it at least 2 months with NC. go to the gym, go out with your friends, read, pray, date -- whatever. just don't come groveling. then after a couple months, evaluate where you are. trust me you will probably still miss the ex and have pain, but you will also see things much more clearly.

 

i broke up with my ex about 4/5 months ago. one thing i see clearly is how unattractive clingy, needy people are. there is a huge difference, i realize now, between loving someone and caring for them -- and becoming the sort of person who cannot survive without your "other." i was like that. now, slowly, i am becoming someone else. and what i have noticed in dating is that those who are like how I was do absolutely nothing for me -- they are unattractive because they are so obviously clingly. on the other hand, slightly cocky/funny/confident people are sexy. become that person. even if now you only want to do so to win your ex back, at some point it may do that and, if not, win you someone even better...

 

I am in the same boat as you. And it does happen in waves. The past few days I was feeling sad and somewhat emotionally weak. Then I had a good cry and got back on the to reflecting boat again. There has been no contact with with my ex in about 2.5 months now. It feels weird. You live with someone and share everything with them one day, and the next day you are like strangers. Weird.

[salmagundi]

sorry altplan but she is totally done with you. She seems really bighearted about it but the message is clear. She wants to be your friend and she wants to encourage a new relationship between you and this other girl so you will get over her and things can be normal again.

 

So maybe if you take it slow with this new girl it would be a good idea because the other one is in the past now

 

I might end up getting a similar email at some point, as well.

 

salmagundi

[grace2005]

Alphtan I must say she does care alot about your well being. I'm sure she feels guilty about ending things but maybe it helps if you look at it as she was probably doing what was best for you as well as for her. She has eating disorder issues that she has to work out before she can be in a relationship with anyone anyway. So this break up may have been a blessing in disguise.

 

I would recommend going strict NC until you have completely healed and gotten over her and then maybe contact her again when you are ready to establish a friendship. It sounds like she would make a better friend than a lover. She needs a therapist to help with her eating disorder. A boyfriend is not qualified to help her out.

 

Now that you have found some closure and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that reconciliation is not possible and that things are over, strict NC is best so you can grieve the loss and heal & move on & contact her as a friend at a later date. She has kept her door open for a friendship.

But from the letters you just posted on here from her tell me she's a really good hearted person. Breaking up is hard on everyone but there is an honorable way to go about doing it. I think she broke up with you in the most honorable way possible. She knows that its bad enough that the break up itself will cause enough emotional hardship on your end.

 

I may be in the same shoes as your ex is only I don't have an eating disorder but other emotional issues which make it hard for me to be in a relationship with anyone right now. It would be hard to find a woman who can ignore my self-mutilation lifestyle unless she really doesn't give a darn whether I'm dead or alive.

[skeptik224]

I don't think you should send the letter. You need to just walk away. If she wants to pursue things, let her come to you. I had 3 MONTHS of the back/forth mixed signal thing.....sometimes flirty...sometimes ****ty/cold. Her last e-mail was pretty cold so I just decided that I'm done. (at least reaching out to her) You need to do the same. She needs to get help in regards to her issues...You can't be her therapist or the one to solve her problems - especially this one. Back up - NC - and take it day by day. I hate NC but in some cases, it's the best.

[AltplanB]

Thanks for all your responses. I get really depressed trying to convince myself that it was really over. I am one of those people who takes a long time to get feelings and to lose them. I still haven't lost them. I just pine after her day and night. Even when i am out partying and drinking, i still just wish she would call. She was always needing me and asking for advice and looking to me for guidance and then all of a sudden, she needed nothing from me, it was i who needed her, and she became turned off by it. Ready from day 1 to find another guy, i dont know what she is going through. I just wish she could of respected me enough to give me that second chance.

 

People need to realize that love is not easy, and just because your young doesn't mean youll find someone else that brings you to that level. I loved her because i could take care of her. I know i am not ready to talk to her, and i know that her answer to her missing me is to just find someone else and just transfer those emotions to them. She did that once and the guy dumped her for his ex. Now she is doing it again, telling me that she doesn't think of me in the romantic sense. I guess all the mixed signals she sent were for not. The "are these the girls im competing with", or the "can you give me a full body massage". What is up with that. Its like she wants me but only to unintentionaly **** with.

 

It sucks being dumped by the ones you love. I fell hard for this women. I still think of ways to get her back, even at this moment. I ponder ways of writing select words that she would never respond too. All this stress and depression which i can't seem to shake has affected me in every sense. Ive lost a bunch of weight i took two years to gain. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I cant focus on things. My family is pissed because i wont get happy again and they cant believe the 'jock' wont get over this girl. I just want everything to get over with so i can get that feelings back, so i can get her back. As you can tell, she is a really heartfelt person and she is very nice, which i believe that i am too. She is kind and loving and never asks for much, other than words and feelings. Well i had those for her and she dumped me.

[jonny87]

I get really depressed trying to convince myself that it was really over. I am one of those people who takes a long time to get feelings and to lose them. I still haven't lost them. I just pine after her day and night. Even when i am out partying and drinking, i still just wish she would call. She was always needing me and asking for advice and looking to me for guidance and then all of a sudden, she needed nothing from me, it was i who needed her, and she became turned off by it. Ready from day 1 to find another guy, i dont know what she is going through. I just wish she could of respected me enough to give me that second chance.

 

Wow man, that sounds just like me. Exactly like me. My "ex" basically pursued me and threw herself at me for two years. It took me a loooong time to finally give in to my feelings, and as soon as I did, she seemed to not be interested anymore.

 

And I know exactly what you mean about how tough it is for someone to suddenly (it seems like almost overnight) go from giving you all this attention to basically ignoring you. But, you've got to be strong in this situation. It's tough, I know; I think I've been more depressed over this than I have about anything. But, if it's worth it to you (and I don't just mean getting this girl back, but your own sanity) then you gotta exercise some self-control and work on yourself.

 

I have to say though, it doesn't look good. Again, kind of like my situation. What she said in that e-mail reminds me of what my "ex" said about the guy she broke up with before me. They had been dating for three years and she said that she "still loved him but he wasn't the guy she saw herself spending the rest of her life with". This girl obviously cares about you, but not in a romantic sense. But, what do I know?

 

I'd say stick to NC. Religiously. Find something else to occupy your time and mind.

[AltplanB]

thanks, thats pretty much what i knew ive always had to do. I just wish it were so. Its the hardest when they dont give you anything to hate them about. Its the hardest when it comes out of nowhere when you two just the day before were having fun. Its the hardest when they meet someone new and start dating right after you. Its hard to see them happy without you when they you thought they needed you just as much as you needed them.

 

What makes it really ****ty is that everything else in my life since her has pretty much gone downhill. I have nothing that i like or am proud of. That was one of the things she and i discussed before no contact. I made her my everything and from the time i woke up till the time i went to sleep, i did everythign for her. I guess this became unattractive after a while. Strange because it attracted her to me in the beginning.

 

I know i am in a really dark place that i got out of until i ran into her again. I also know that one of the reasons this has taken so long is because she kept stringing me along, starting the hurt all over again. Man i so wish i was in her position. She got all my friends and kept her health...she looks great and knows it. Shes more confident and happy. Its like im happy for her but depressed that its not with me at the same time.

[jonny87]

This is really tough. I know. And I know this is almost impossible, but you've gotta pull yourself out of this. Not just for any hope of a second chance with this girl, but for your own sake.

 

Depression is very serious. I understand depression. I've been dealing with it for over 15 years. I was actually doing pretty good until I got "dumped". Then I became more depressed then I had in a very long time. I lost over 40 pounds and even felt suicidal at times. Not to the point where I actually actively thought about it, but just kind of thinking about it a few times. But I made myself snap out of it.

 

I know what it's like to have someone give you so much attention and then all of a sudden take it away. It sucks. It makes you question whether those feelings she had were ever true to begin with. I'm sure they were, but you did things to change those feelings. That's one thing you've got to learn from this. And know not to do next time.

 

You really need to find some stuff to do to occupy your time and your mind. Find a new hobby. Make some new friends. Exercise. Go out. Live your life. And, I would also recommend maybe seeing someone about this. Your doctor, a counselor, a therapist, clergy, anybody. Depression is nothing to ignore.

[AltplanB]

I totally agree with you. Ive always been a mildly depressed person even though i have alot going for me. Im tall and in excellent shape and i come from a wealthy family. But for some reason i dont handle personal trauma very well. Im very good at helping others but when it comes to my own personal problems based on emotional stress, i buckle. I still want my ex. Every day i think about her constantly. Nothing seems as bright without her. I say these things and i was with her for only a year and we have been broken up for 3 months now. Its depressing to hear her say there is nothing going on between us and that she wants us to move on. It is hard because we are both really caring people and the only reason she has for us not staying together is because she realized i wasn't the one. It really pains me and i try very hard to understand where she is coming from, but i realize that i too have done this exact same thing to girls and that i can meet new people that will find me very attractive. The only problem is that everytime i do, i just think about how much i miss my ex and i focus on all the qualities that made her better than this new girl of interest.

Ive read countless different strategies for getting your ex back. AS of now i am trying to just let go, something i have struggled with from the get go. I came close once but then i ran into her in vegas for new years. Then i was back to square one when i basically catered to her for a couple weeks. Its strange because we hung out for a couple weeks and it seemed that she might want to try things again. But then wam, she tells me im just a friend and i shouldn't of pushed it.