When is it ok to break NC and try?

[Roarz]

I won't be able to do this for a long time, but it's on my mind right now so I thought I'd just ask it. It's been about 2 months since the breakup, and the ex has a new boyfriend. I don't know how long it's been going on, but not any more than a 3 weeks. Our NC had been pretty, uhh...unsuccessful. When I fully implemented it, it lasted for about 3 weeks (a large gain for me) and then I found out she had a new boyfriend and she contacts me and asks me if I forgive her for hurting me more even after the relationship (the main reason I stopped trying the "just friends"; she just kept hurting me and hurting me). By now I am just getting pissed off at all these mixed signals..she leaves me and yet continues to contact me over and over, wanting to be friends, even when I tell her no, not right now. So I tell her, in a very very cold manner, that a friendship right now is not possible and if she wants me to trust her again enough to be friends, to not contact me for a while.

 

I feel like I have become a much better person since the breakup; For the first time in a long time I finally have confidence and know I don't need to rely on someone for my happiness. I've also become a Christian, as praying has really helped me get through this, which was one of the reasons she cited we were incompatable for long term.

 

But I still can't help feeling in love with her. I had a girlfriend before her but it didn't feel anything like this. I know I still need to work on myself some more, but when is it ok to break NC and try to become friends, in the hopes of being more? I have to be the one to do it, since I finally laid it down, after all her times of trying to communicate with me. But when is the right time? Should I wait until she no longer has a boyfriend before I try, or even before then? I know it's stupid to be wanting her so much after all this time, and I feel like I'm making the right steps to a possible second chance, but I won't know unless I try. I don't want to have regrets. I know what to do once contact is made to give myself the best possible chance, I just need to know the timing. Even if a second chance isn't possible, I would still love to have a good friend back.

 

Is this even realistically possible after she has been with someone else?

[helena abadi]

Hi, Roarz. Sorry to read you are still hurting.

 

Did you become a Christian to please her? Have you made efforts to change yourself because you think it would please her?

 

If you have made the changes for yourself, and yourself alone and you will maintain the changes even though she will not be part of your life, then that's great.

 

Because doing them for her won't work. She will see you as a people-pleaser, and putting her on a pedestal, and that will not inspire respect.

 

Even though she has a new boyfriend (a pretty sure sign she has moved on), it wouldn't hurt to make casual friendly contact.

 

But keep it low key, and keep your expectations really, really low.

[Roarz]

Hmm, I am pretty sure I made them for myself, as I was tired of feeling so bad. I was tired of blaming everything else and just made the decision that it was me who decided if I was happy or not, not what happened in my life. Even if they were subconsciously made for her, they are none the less positive changes that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

 

I am just really really confused by everything. Part of the time I just want to forget her and try in the summer, and part of me wants to do it RIGHT now. But then I read other people say that she has to come back to you and all that. But then others say you have to show them changes and for that you have to break NC. I just don't know anymore, I feel like my whole stance since posting this has changed, and keeps changing. Maybe I just shouldn't think about it so much and just let whatever happens happen.

[CaliGuy]

The best time to make contact is when your Ex does it and when you are at a time and point in your life when you feel you can handle talking to them but won't get your hopes up. If you know you can't handle more rejection, continue NC.

 

If you want to be friends, I think you can only if you are truly over them. If they make contact and it's just to see how you're doing, wait a few days and then say "I'm great, thanks." Don't ask how they are doing. Don't ask a bunch of questions and don't get into any debates or discussion about the past.

 

Roarz, in your case, I would not initiate contact at all. She is seeing someone else and any attempts to contact her without her initiating it first would make things much worse.

 

Good luck.

[Becoming]

Good for you for all your recent changes!

 

I'm concerned that she might be functioning like a drug you're attempting to use to fill up some unfulfilled desire that only God can fill.

 

Do you really want HER or are you just lonely and missing the relationship? Have you tried seeing other people yet? You might give that a try when you're ready. I'm concerned you're just gonna be hurt again, but it sounds like you're not sure that she might not be the one you should pursue.

[slubberdegullion]

Even though she has a new boyfriend (a pretty sure sign she has moved on), it wouldn't hurt to make casual friendly contact.

As much as it pains me, I respectfully have to disagree with helena. Any contact with her is obviously causing you considerable angst, so my suggestion would be to maintain NC. Keeping in contact isn't doing you or your heart any good at all.

 

Maybe there will come a time in the future where a friendship is possible, but for right now, steer clear.

 

Good luck!

[RZA-Man]

NC. NC. NC. Why settle for friendship? I'm sure she's a great girl and all, but she dumped you! There's really nothing you can say or do that will bring her back, she has to do that herself. If you're friends with her now, you're going to feel absolutely terrible when she starts talking about the new bf. Just stay away from her and ignore her if she establishes contact. If you want any chance of getting back together, leave her alone and let her come to you.

[Roarz]

But she will probably never initiate contact again because of me pretty much telling her off recently (put it in the coping section). I said if she wants me to trust her enough again to be friends, that she will stop contacting me, and so far (1 week) she has done so, not even replying to the email.

 

Do you still think she will attempt to contact me again sometime in the future after that? I know that the best way to get someone back is to move on and be NC, but it's just so hard and seems so illogical.

[CaliGuy]

But she will probably never initiate contact again because of me pretty much telling her off recently (put it in the coping section). I said if she wants me to trust her enough again to be friends, that she will stop contacting me, and so far (1 week) she has done so, not even replying to the email.

 

Roarz, this just tells me you're not committing to letting go as we discussed earlier. Really, you have lost nothing at this point. She has moved on, she is dating someone else. You agreed to forgive and move on. Did you do it to try and win her back or as we discussed, allow yourself to let go?

 

I see conflicts between what you say you want and what you're doing.

 

Do you still think she will attempt to contact me again sometime in the future after that? I know that the best way to get someone back is to move on and be NC, but it's just so hard and seems so illogical.

 

If she misses you and her heart changes, yes. But please, for your own sake don't sit around waiting for something to happen that may never. You need to get out, go to the gym, hang out with friends, seek counseling if you feel it will help. Church is great for that.

 

But don't pine over whether she will contact you in the future. It will only delay the healing process.

 

Read the link in my signature about 100 times today. Please.

[Roarz]

I want to move on, I really do, but I also want her back...maybe because having her back eliminates needing to get over her. I haven't done anything but what I've posted, so in her mind I'm just the guy that "doesn't care about her and has told her to **** off for a while", which makes me feel like I am at a disadvantage at ever getting her back. I guess I just want to be able to get over her and at the same time have the best chance to get her back, but I guess having both isn't an option. I was her first love and first really long relationship, so I guess that is one thing I have going for me. Slowly I am coming to the conclusion that I am just wasting a lot of time thinking about something I have no control over, but it's hard to accept that you have no control over what you think is one of the most important things in your life.

[CaliGuy]

Roarz, you're young man. I hate to downplay it but there will be plenty more women to come along in your life. What you have experienced is a good example of "what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger." This is a learning experience we all go though. Thank the good Lord that you are learning it now. Dude, I pretty much stayed away from women my whole life. I dated a bit, never very long though because I wanted my independence. I had never really been in love and experienced back when I was in my 20's what I have experienced lately. Had I done so I would have kept my self-respect and dumped her a long time ago.

 

My point is this is a great chance for you to reflect on what you did wrong, where you can improve, learn from the experience, grow as a person and MOVE ON. You can't live your life focusing on what you "should have" or "could have" done. That's gone and past. All you can do now is what you are doing. Learning, understanding and moving on.

 

Not all relationships are meant to work out. And when you find that special woman and get married one day you'll look back on this whole experience grateful that you didn't marry her and even more so that it helped make all your relationships afterward more rewarding and successful.

 

Good luck man. You can live without her. If you can't, that's a big warning flag

[RZA-Man]

Roarz, she knows how you feel about her but that doesn't change anything - she still doesn't want to be you. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to get her back. If anything by trying to get her back you'll be pushing her away. Just walk away from her and maintain NC. She's already moved on and you should do the same. The more time you spend trying to get her back is time that could be used to improve yourself and meet new people. If you really want her in your life, you have to let her go. Maybe after a year or so you can be friends with her. Heck she might even come back to you, but if she does it'll be of her volition not because of some action of yours. It's ok to be in pain and want her back for a little while, but at a certain point you have accept your loss and get on with life.

[Roarz]

So based on what's been said, you think that she will still try to contact me sometime down the road without anything from me? Things are pretty clear now to me, that's the only lingering question I have now.

[RZA-Man]

There's a chance it could happen. Based on everything that's been posted on this site, it seems that a lot of the time the ex does contact you at some point. That's not the reason to implement NC though. You do it to to help yourself. Contact from the ex in the future is a possibility, but not a certainty. What is a certainty though is that NC helps you heal.

[CaliGuy]

So based on what's been said, you think that she will still try to contact me sometime down the road without anything from me? Things are pretty clear now to me, that's the only lingering question I have now.

 

Possibly but if you cling to that hope, without truly letting go, all you will do is delay the healing process.

 

When you let go, you can work on your self-esteem and confidence. So even if she doesnt' come back you will be attractive to someone else.

[jd2004dc]

i think at this point NC is best for you. she has a guy she is dating, and -- while you have no idea how she feels about this guy or whether it will work out -- i think it is important for you to figure out why things went wrong and what your role in it was. the point of this exercise is not to blame yourself, but to think honestly about whether the relationship really could work out in the future and what (either in this relationship or another) you should/can do differently.

 

i broke up with someone back in september. it was my choice, but i did it only b/c the other person wasn't willing to do what needed to be done to make it work. we tried being friends for 2 months, but then i initiated NC in early november. i broke that last week (after i had started casually dating someone) and it was strange, as my ex clearly had no emotional reaction at all -- it was all very cordial, but that was it. i think it was good for me to do that because, like you, i feared my ex would never contact me again. at the same time though, those 2 months gave me time to get some distance where i could handle the rejection. it hurt, sure. but i know i am becoming a better person, getting my confidence back, etc. maybe done the line we will reconnect, maybe not. but either way i win because i am not the little wus i had become by the end of our 3+ year relationship....

 

good luck...

[Roarz]

See, I don't know why it ended, I really don't. I don't think I did anything wrong, as much as I try to look back and see. The only possible thing I can come up with is that I asked her a few times casually about getting married, just talking about what it would be like and such. It was like, bam, she get's to college and suddenly there's a problem...but there's not a problem stringing me along with mixed signals.

 

She told me at first it was just the religion thing, which hadn't been a problem for 2 years. And then it was all this other stuff, such as we weren't enough alike, and pretty much "she just knew".

 

So see, it's hard to learn from this when I don't know where I went wrong. She tells me it's not my fault at all, but I can't help thinking something was wrong on my part. I don't think I was clingy during the relationship, but afterwards I was for a month (just didn't know any other way to try and get her back), but finally manned up and told her to stay out of my life, at least for now.

 

So you see, I would like to learn about what I did wrong, but I just can't come up with anything other than she just wanted to date other people and test the waters. Although I did learn a great deal about how to deal with something like this, so I haven't come out of it totally empty handed.

[CaliGuy]

See, I don't know why it ended, I really don't. I don't think I did anything wrong, as much as I try to look back and see. The only possible thing I can come up with is that I asked her a few times casually about getting married, just talking about what it would be like and such. It was like, bam, she get's to college and suddenly there's a problem...but there's not a problem stringing me along with mixed signals.

 

Never be to hurry to come to the conclusion you want to be married far sooner than your significant other. You scared her. She's young and not ready to be married. Anytime you reach that conclusion faster than your S/O I can guarantee you they will run.

 

She told me at first it was just the religion thing, which hadn't been a problem for 2 years. And then it was all this other stuff, such as we weren't enough alike, and pretty much "she just knew".

 

She knew. She was making excuses. Never change for them, change for you.

 

So see, it's hard to learn from this when I don't know where I went wrong. She tells me it's not my fault at all, but I can't help thinking something was wrong on my part. I don't think I was clingy during the relationship, but afterwards I was for a month (just didn't know any other way to try and get her back), but finally manned up and told her to stay out of my life, at least for now.

 

Based on what you have told me you were much farther along in the relationship than she was. Being clingy at the end didn't help but still, she wasn't at the same place as you. She just wants to date, she's not ready to be married. I did the same thing as you with the same results. Bad, bad. Let her come up with the idea next time

 

So you see, I would like to learn about what I did wrong, but I just can't come up with anything other than she just wanted to date other people and test the waters. Although I did learn a great deal about how to deal with something like this, so I haven't come out of it totally empty handed.

 

She did want to test the waters because she wasn't ready to be married. That's pretty much what happened. That's why she is where she is.

 

And brother, that is why it's vitally important for you not to sulk, feel sorry for yourself or otherwise get depressed. If you strengthen yourself MAYBE later down the road she sees the stronger you, when she is ready to settle down, and choose you. Maybe not.

 

But if you don't improve your self-esteem and confidence and not be in such a hurry to get married, you will scare women off until you do.

[Roarz]

I'm also not ready to be married, no where close...it really was just casual, and after she had brought it up about our other friends "deciding they were getting married". She had also plenty of times before commented on how we were "just like a married couple" going to the store and such. I don't think that could be it, I didn't push it or anything, it was just one time.

 

But if she really is just testing the waters and not ready to settle down yet, then this would have happened regardless, no matter what I would have done. I just figured I had a good thing going with her and didn't want to mess it up. Seeing as how this was only her 1st real relationship, I can see how she would want to try others...

 

Do you think that all she said could have been excuses to make it less guilt inducing than saying "I think I need to try other people for a while, nothing personal"? I personally think we would do great married, that's why I want her back so much, but I feel like I've already ruined the opportunity by being clingy and then by being a jerk and telling her off in that IM/email. And it's not any easier figuring out how to go about in the future of sparking something else with her. Or even if I ruined a possible chance by not being friends. Do I NC until she says something again, even after me telling her not to, or try myself when she breaks up with her bf? Hard to decide if it'll just pop into her head one day or if I have to show her I am different. I guess I have done all I can do on the matter...hopefully she knows I still care a lot about her, despite the harsh words.

 

Ahh well, I guess rambling on about it doesn't help change anything. I still don't know where I went wrong. I know I'm a great guy and she's stupid for throwing away what we had, but I guess people have to see for themselves whether or not there is better out there for them. Or maybe she just has to learn that you arn't going to find someone that fits the fantasy mold of your perfect soulmate, it takes communication and work to overcome differences, which she obviously didn't want to do. Thanks for all the advice you've given so far. It helped me make the decision of NC and I think to further emphasize NC, I need to just stop writing and thinking about it so I can get over her.

[CaliGuy]

It takes people a long time to understand that in order to have a great relationship there has to be compromises. My ex could never figure that out. Some never do.

 

Stick with NC for now. Work on making friends, spending time with your hobbies, going out, having a good time and really working on understanding who you are and what you want.

 

Don't worry about her for now. There's nothing you can do to change her. If you're a better, stronger person 6 months or a year from now and her heart changes, she'll make contact and it will work out.

 

But for now, there's nothing you can do to change the past. Only reflect to understand in the sense of not repeating the same mistakes.