I Want this PROBLEM solved.

[nakiyen]

I'm in a new relatinoship with a guy who we know each other off a personals site 3 months ago, and we've been seeing other for almost 2 months. And we both consider this relationship is a serious one, since we both are looking for a serious long-term relationship. We both are very attracted to each other, character-wise, and we both like so much about having a very comfortable feeling toward each other. However, sometimes, I get the feeling of that we both are not that mentally connected. I'm being very careful on the words that use when I talk to him, and sometimes, I'm very sensitive on the comments that he gives to me on whatever stuff. I understand that being in a relationship with a person (either friendship or relationship), accepting other's good and bad comments is a must. But I just don't understand why I'm being so up tight on this toward him. And I admit that I pay excessive attention to details on the way how he reacts to me and when he says something to me. There'd be times that he looks away when we are talking, or he would just muted and "talking" to his mind.

 

One more detail about this relationship, me and him are in an interracial relationship. He is white and I'm asian. Recently, he told me that he has a bit struggle on dating an asian, since he is not being raised in a very diverse community. I totally understand that, and I told him that not to worry about this would be a barrier between him and me having a relationship. But somehow, sometimes, I see there're some uncertainties from him of seeing me.

 

I do care so much about this relationship. And all these feelings that I have now scare me (whether I will have a long-lasting relationship with him).

I seriously do need helps on this. Thank you.

[bluechocolate]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who we know each other off a personals site 3 months ago, and we've been seeing other for almost 2 months. And we both consider this relationship is a serious one, since we both are looking for a serious long-term relationship.

 

First you need to make sure that you're not letting your desire to be in a long term relationship cloud your judgment about making the wrong choice in person.

 

I think 2 months is not enough time to even be seriously considering that this could be something long term. You still have much to discover about each other before making that kind of commitment. And seeing as he is somewhat uncomfortable about being in an inter-racial relationship that discovery process will take even longer.

 

On top of that you have no common background from which you met. I see nothing wrong about meeting people through a website or a personal ad, but you have to keep in mind that these are people with whom you've met through no prior engagement. Not at school, at work, at church, through mutual friends, etc. Therefore the chances that you're going to meet someone compatible are much lower. Emailing & chatting are not a substitute for real life interactions.

 

Stop trying to analyse his actions so much & lower your expectations about something long-term for the time being. Then see if you're still comfortable being with each other. If not, then keep looking.

[helena abadi]

I agree with bluechoc. Two months is barely time to get to know each other. You are seeking a serious relationship, but it's too early to know if he's The One. And over-analyzing and being v careful with everything takes away from being present, spontaneous, and emotionally connected.

 

You may be trying too hard to be what you think he wants, if you are being too careful with your responses. It sounds as though you are indeed paying excessive attention to detail, and not able to fully relax in the relationship. Are you like this normally?

 

If he has problems with interracial dating, then it's better to get that sorted now, rather than a few months down the track. That can be a significant hurdle for some people. And sometimes, they can't get over it.

 

Lower your expectations, for the time being.

[clandestinidad]

I have a question, and I'm hoping it doesnt offend you in any way.

 

Is English your first language? And how well do you understand spoken English?

 

I just thought maybe you analyze his words and non-verbal communication b/c you are double checking what it could mean....maybe wondering if you 'translated' his meaning in the way it was intended

 

let me know if I'm way off, and I'll think of other things

[helena abadi]

have you read her post? it's fluent English. it doesn't sound as tho language is a problem

[clandestinidad]

Yes its written in english, but you will notice grammatical and word choice errors....duh....and since a number of my friends are from various asian countries, I noticed such verbage. They often have trouble interpreting spoken English, even though they can speak it fairly well

[helena abadi]

yes, there are a number of errors, but her vocabulary knowledge is that of fluency, pretty much. grammatical errors in another language take a long time to iron out, oral or written. asian or otherwise.

 

even if the spoken English isn't perfect, it doesn't take perfect English to have a perfectly adequate conversation.

 

she didn't mention language difficulties, either, but was quite upfront about the interracial dating issue.

[clandestinidad]

I understand what youre saying, helena, and you have a good point.

 

What I'm trying to illustrate is the fact that many English as a second language Asians have difficulty communicating due to the fact that while they understand the words themselves, they have trouble INTERPRETING THE MEANING of them, especially when the situation includes sarcasm or irony....b/c the spoken words do not match up with the non-verbal cues

 

This COULD explain why nakiyen analyzes what her boyfriend says and does so much....she said this:

I get the feeling of that we both are not that mentally connected. I'm being very careful on the words that use when I talk to him, and sometimes, I'm very sensitive on the comments that he gives to me on whatever stuff.

 

and this:

And I admit that I pay excessive attention to details on the way how he reacts to me and when he says something to me

 

There'd be times that he looks away when we are talking, or he would just muted and "talking" to his mind.

 

That's why I was curious about how WELL she speaks/understands english, and why I asked her...b/c its just a possibility I was thinking about

[nakiyen]

Re: kat23

I'm not offended you asking me whether English is my second language or not. Indeed, that's a good thinking of taking this into account. yeah. English is my second language. In response to all your previous posts, a lot of times, but not that quite often, I do analyze the true meaning of what my boyfriend says or reacts. (I wasn't grown up in the US) Because I want to make sure that I'm getting the exact same meaning of what he tries to tell me. But seems like, a lot of times, I don't get it. So here, I do feel I'm over-analyzing it. And one more thing that I realize, sometimes I do not get his sarcasms (jokes), turns out I take in seriously. And obviously, it ruins the humor. But I'm not sure would the problem of me interpreting the right meaning of words be a big problem between me and my boyfriend understanding each other. Or simply just there's something between me and him. I do need more advice in here. Thanks, kat23.

[nakiyen]

Re: helena abadi

 

It's good that to have someone spoken up and understand my mind. On what you observe/ interpret, I actually try hard to accommodate my boyfriend, and I always wonder how I think he wants, or how he sees me, that's why I pay so much attentions on details. And I do know this does bother of having a relaxing, healthy relationship.