lmr Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 I am in love with a close friend, but she is already in a serious relationship (i.e., she lives with her boyfriend, and I know she loves him too) But it is complicated, because she is always writing me while I am at work, and telling me she loves me. signing online to tell me she woke up and can't sleep. I don't really know what to think about it. It really is a friendship that has severely crossed the "friend" line from both sides; maybe you'd call it an emotional affair? Dunno. I don't think she can even say I'll talk to you later without saying I love you so much. Anyway--I don't know what to do. I think about her all day, and I feel sad when I don't hear from her. Honestly, I don't think about her leaving her boyfriend, or even in a sexual way. I really am happy that we are friends. But I know I am in love with her, and it seems she is in love with me on some level. And it really is intense and painful most of the day. But I am entirely happy when we talk or chat. She seems to act like she is very much in love with me, too. But she recently moved to another state, and it's not like I can even see her at the moment. And she is in a long term relationship with a nice guy. Ok, you get the point. I am being tortured by feelings I don't know how to act on. confused. exhausted. help? (or am i beyond that.... Link to post Share on other sites
superconfused Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Well, I'll try to give you some advice (since you gave me some about my problem). But I'm just an unexperienced 16 year old, so keep that in mind... I think that you have to act now, especially since she just moved to another state. Your 'friendship' (which actually seems to me like a relationship) might start to diminish if you don't see each other. And like you said to me: how would you feel if you never made a move? The only way to find out how she feels is to ask her. She seems to be torn between you and her boyfriend, though, so she might not have an answer yet. But eventually she will have to decide between the two of you, and if you open yourself up to her then she might take the opportunity. Keep in mind: If she really loved her boyfriend then she should be satisfied with him, and not be flirting with you. She obviously feels something for you, so take the chance! The torture won't ever end unless you know for sure whether she loves you or not. Good luck! I hope you are successful and I hope that I have pointed out something useful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lmr Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 thanks for reading/responding. Not really sure what I'm looking for in a response. I guess the hardest decisions are the one's we already know the answers to. You know. I want to say something to her. But at the same time I am really confused at how to read the situation. Some days we'll talk most of the day, and she'll say I love you a ton of times. I can't imagine someone always feeling the need to say that if it isn't felt at all. But on that same note, it is never said in the context of being more than friends. And her boyfriend knows who I am, he knows we have a close relationshp, and I can't imagine that this could go on without him putting his foot in the way unless it really is just a friendship, and nothing more, with just completely f-ed up boundaries. I think the most interesting thing she said to me was this past week - she wrote something close to ... "I was just reading what I wrote and I am all over the place.. good thing I'm not like that with men." And she wrote me later to tell me if any girl ever broke my heart, she would hurt them,.. she didn't want my heart in pain. (yea, ironic haha) Anyway - wasn't sure how to read those, but they both sort of came out of left field - not really following a line of conversation. So they stuck out. I thought she was trying to tell me either (a) she realized something has crossed the line, and she was trying to show she cares a lot but still draw a line between her relationship, and any relationship I might have, or (b) that she was trying to make a rationalization so she can keep having the kind of friendship we have without having to possibly admit there is more there. Maybe a little of both. Maybe I am completely over-analyzing. I don't know if I am making up for something emotionally lacking in her or in her relationship, or she really does have feelings for me beyond being just a friend. I also don't know if she is just getting the best of both worlds (i.e., having the physical closeness and emotions of being in a relationship & and having someone else that loves her, with no intentions of making a decision) I am not sure how to read the situation, since I can't imagine being in a relationship and having my girlfriend having the kind of friendship "we" have without feeling very uncomfortable. So the pieces are there, but they don't add up. I guess from reading this follow up response, it might seem all the more clear to tell me what have you got to lose. go find out where you stand. But I feel like maybe this is one of those situations where I just have to keep being me, and let it flesh itself out if it is there. Link to post Share on other sites
Asometry Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Repeat after me: You can't go on like that. There are three things you can try to do: 1. You convince her to leave her man for you 2. You scale back your emotional involvement with her 3. You break it off completely It's a rotten situation with no perfect outcomes. If #1, then you set a bad precedent for your relationship right off the bat. You're reinforcing the idea that commitment is cheap and expendible, which is not the sort of sentiment you want to establish a new relationship with. You're not rescuing her from a bad relationship, and one day when she connects with some new guy who has what you don't, she'll remember how you felt about her obligations back then. #2 is easier said than done, but it's probably the least messy. What's happening right now is an emotional affair, and it's something which most definately compromises the integrity of the relationship she's currently in. She will respect you immensely for holding to your boundaries, and one day if she's single, you could have a chance to make things happen under much better circumstances. If you truly can't restrain yourself around her and she's unwilling to make a commitment to you, then #3 is the last option. Not much needs to be said about this. I think the best thing you can do is to explore possibilities with other women. If you can connect with a new person on a romantic level, that will help you to lessen your need for her affection and to settle into a state where you can have a healthy, non-destructive friendship with her. Right now you're just feeding each other's egos, and she's got the upper hand. If you do end up with someone else and she gets jealous and upset, then she doesn't deserve the time of day from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lmr Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 thanks for your thoughtful response. You're right... I can't go on like this. And you're right... it is rotten and it is messy, and I don't see a perfect outcome. I've said it for months - this is going to end in a trainwreck. And it keeps getting more intense, and with three people involved, one to three people are going to be hurt. Just not sure how to cut back my emotional involvement, even though that is the best solution. And I am not sure the ball is even in my court, anyway. Not sure I could convince her, or that I want to do that. All I know is I am making it too easy for her to run my life, and I am certainly enabling all of this. Just don't know how to get out of such a deep hole with my mind and/or heart in tact. 'sigh' but many thanks - you had some good points to reflect on Link to post Share on other sites
RyanScottyD Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I think it would be ****ty to take her from another guy....I wouldnt want that happening to me, and im sure you wouldnt want that to happen to you...I think you guys should step back a bit, talk about the problems and stay "friends" nothing more....I think you need to find what else is out there. Sometimes having friends is more important then being in a relationship.....gf's and bf's come and go, but friends will be there for you in the end...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lmr Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 I know it's ****ty. I'd feel horrid if that happened to me. And I think her current b/f is a nice guy, and as much as it doesn't seem like it, I do respect him. I don't want to hurt him, or break anything up. But I am in knots, and I don't exactly know how to let go. I honestly don't know what to do... because you're right. Her friendship is 100x more important than anything else. I wouldn't want to lose that. I really do not want to disrespect that. Is why I'm posting about it. If you can't tell I am back and forth over going further and pulling back. I love her to bits, and I am completely lost on this one. I don't know what would happen to our friendship if I just brought it to the surface and had a discussion about all this, even if just to pare things back. Not like I am having a good time being stuck in the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
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