Why would someone bother?

[7575]

Six months ago I ran into an old college friend. We hadn't seen each other in over ten years. We didn't have a serious relationship back in college, but were more "friends with benefits" than anything else - but for about 3 yrs. Back then, he made a couple of attempts to stop seeing me, only to always see me again. Anyway, we both eventually graduated and went our separate ways.

 

After running into him, we began emailing each other, making plans to get together for drinks. He always found a reason to cancel. He was always polite about it, but I really felt like there was something else going on. So after a few months of going back and forth, I finally just told him that if he wasn't interested in catching up with me, to just let me know. Up to this point, there wasn't any indication that we were making plans to see each other in anything but a purely "friendship" way. Our e-mails had been strictly "PG" and my thoughts were that it would just be nice to see how he had been all these years. I am not in a relationship and he indicated when I ran into him that he wasn't either.

 

At this point, however, he totally unloaded on me. He told me that since the day he saw me he was concerned about seeing me again because he didn't think that he could trust himself around me to keep our friendship strictly platonic and that he didn't want to get involved with me in that way because he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and that he knows women generally aren't ok with "no strings attached" relationships.

 

He said that he was also concerned because he was in a relationship but he was quick to add that it wasn't serious enough to be headed toward marriage. He said that if I still wanted to see him just as friends he was ok with that, but he also really wanted to see me with the possibility of more. He tried to make it seem as though he was the bad person and that while I may worry about his girlfriend, that this was his decision.

 

That I should ignore what society says we should do. He also disclosed that his girlfriend cheated on him before. He claimed that it didn't bother him because he just thinks that's how people are. I knew at this point that this situation was going to be a problem for me.

 

We traded e-mails for awhile, and basically I decided that I still wanted to see him. Mostly this was because I had a lot of unresolved feelings toward him even after all of this time. He was my "first" and I always wondered if things could have been different all those years ago. Anyway, I agreed to see him again but told him that if we got "together" then it could only be one time and then I wouldn't see him again.

 

I also felt that I needed to tell him that I didn't think he was being honest about his situation with his girlfriend - that he was either trying to get back at her by cheating with me or he really wasn't ok with what she did as he characterized it as "cheating" - how could it be cheating if, in his opinion, that's how people are? I also told him that I didn't think he believed his own outlook on people and committment after all he was in a relationship and why bother being in one if you don't belive in being comitted? Of course, he never answered any of these questions.

 

Anyway, we finally saw each other recently. He came over to my house and after a couple of hours, we were doing what we knew we were likely going to do. The next day he told me that he felt like crap - that he enjoyed seeing me but that he felt terrible for what he did. He said that he had never cheated on his girlfriend before and that he never should have pursued me in the first place.

 

He said that we could never do what we did again. He said that it brought back memories of how hurt he was when he found out that his girlfriend had cheated on him and that he swore that would never do that to someone that he cares about and he would never want her to feel that way about something he did. And that now he realizes how much he cares about his girlfriend and what it is he has with her. He was adamant that he still wanted to be my friend and hoped that I would agree to still see and speak to him. At first I was ok with that idea.

 

But the more I thought about it, it was obvious to me that I wasn't being honest with myself either. I knew that on some level I still had some feelings for him. Feelings that I had let develop over the previous months before he came clean with the fact that he had a girlfriend. And while I would like to think that in theory we could have remained friends, I know it would have never worked. I know that at some point I would have developed really serious feelings for him or we would have continued to get together in a physical way and that would have been horrible. So the following day I told him that I didn't think we could be friends and I ended it.

 

I feel really sad about the whole thing. But at the same time, I guess I have to wonder why someone would bother to do what he did? I've been reading other posts and I know some of you believe that people cheat because there is something lacking in their relationship. Clearly, if he is to be believed, he didn't see his relationship for what it was, but that just seems so idiotic.

 

He was also in denial about how much her cheating on him supposedly hurt him, so why was he in so much denial about it even when I tried pointing it out to him? And why did he pick me to cheat on his girlfriend with? Surely he had other opportunities. (Plus, it turns out that we still have mutual friends in common, so there was a risk involved in people finding out.)

 

And why didn't he just tell me from the beginning that he was in a relationship? I guess I am just confused about why someone could act as if cheating was totally reasonable one moment and then supposedly be consumed with guilt the next? And is it reasonable for me to believe that I won't hear from him again (I truly don't want to)?

[EMJ]

It looks like he just wanted to make himself feel better. If I'm reading your post correctly, it does look like he told you about the girlfriend before you hooked up with him this time.

 

Either way, you may have to accept that a lot of people do selfish things just because they can and because they are feeling lonely. People frequently try to look back at recapture the times they had before. But I've never seen it work. This is now, that was then, and everyone grows in between. Don't dwell too much on why, there may not be a good answer. Just protect yourself. You both know you have a weakness for each other and it won't help you if your feelings are stronger than his. Good luck.

[7575]

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post and for replying. I agree with your assessment that he did what he did with selfish motives. You are right that he did tell me upfront about his girlfriend - so I know that part of me hooked up with him anyway for my own selfish reasons and I definitely don't feel good about that. And you're also right about us having a certain weakness for each other which I think was our issue then and even more recently. Anyway, thanks for pointing out that I really may not want to know the reason "why" - there probably isn't a good answer. Thanks again.