niteowl Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 My ex of 3 weeks called last night to say "hi"...I talked to him because I have been feeling better about myself, the situation, etc. ANYWAY, to try to keep this short....he believes he is the father of a child (BEFORE our realtionship) and he was feeling 'torn' aout wanting to see the kid and being with me.hmmmmm. Well, it turns out that the baby's mother's first words to him were 'if you want to be with [niteowl] then you will not see your child". I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS. HIS own mother did this to their father when they were little, and her new husband adopted them( ex and his sister) I really do want it to work out for us, but I also feel like being the 'bigger' person and bowing out...telling him go be with your kid,etc. I feel in the long run, I will lose him again. He seems to have no spine to tell people what HE is going to do. He's getting very involved with this child, because it looks like him...no paternity has been established. He does not want to be with HER, just see his kid.This has just complicated the situation 10 fold. I am also not about the drama I can see this creating. NOW, I'm eve more confused than before--but I feel 'ok', not all upside down, just confused. Assuming I don't do NC (I don't call him, but if he calls I talk), what is the best way to handle this?? Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Can't he get paternity established? If he believes he is the father and wants to do his part to support the child...then isn't that his right? Maybe he should hire a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteowl Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 but will he? doubt it. I don't feel it's MY job to give him the help to resolve this. I feel at some point he needs to stnad up for himself. If I give him all the tools and resources to persue it...how is that helping him grow?? I agree he should do the right thing....even if it means we can't have a future, as much as that would hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 If he is not willing to take the mandatory steps to keep you and his son *both* in his life, then I would move on. His baby's momma will continue to manipulate. He's allowing it to happen. If he is not willing to go the extra mile to make things right in this situation then I guess he has made his decision. There's no decision you need to make. I was in a relationship where my BF's X was refusing to let him see the kids even though he had visitation set up through the court. He bitched about it endlessly, but he wouldn't take her to court or anything. His X said that as long Luvtoto is around then your kids won't be. Inevitably, we broke up, because he wouldn't get tough with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteowl Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 luvtoto, i hear exactly what you're saying..and you are right. there really is no decision for me to make. he's allowing all of this to go on. now, do I owe him an explanantion of how I feel...or is that being manipulative, too?? Do I say "if x, y, and z...then...." or do I simply say "this isn't working this way"??? and WHY is this so ridiculously hard??? Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 I have dated/been friends with two kinds of men in my life. The responsible, take-charge kind of guys...and the cowardly, passive type. Which guy would you rather be with? This cowardly, passive attitude this guy has will carry over into other areas of his life. Looking back on my relationship, after two years apart, I see how passive he was...with his job...with his son...with his friends...with me. It wasn't a personality trait he showed just with his X. By the way, if would set some air-tight boundaries with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Oops! Forgot one. He was also passive around his parents. Get my point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteowl Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 I hear you loud and clear and you are 100% right!! Passive about everything.......hmmmmm. thank you SO much ~ you have helped a lot!! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Thanks niteowl. I'm just trying spare you pain in the future! With my guy, I kept thinking he was gonna someday tell his X to go to he!! if I kept pushing him by handing him altimatums. I kept my hopes up for a year having an on again, off again, thing with him. But, once you understand that maybe that's just the kind of guy he is...it puts things into perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
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