I think jealousy is causing my boyfriend to lie

[jmmm]

I am in a relationship with someone for almost a year. He is 30 and I am 21. I believe he doesn't just want something casual but is serious about me. He never really did anything to make me believe he has cheated on me although i can act paranoid about it and believe he is.I have gotten nosy and looked through his cell to see who he is calling and i think he even knows this now.I have also given him a hard time about him speaking to an ex who he told me i have nothing to worry about. He was honest from the beginning. He said he speaks to two girls. One he has known all of his life and not dated and the other is his ex. It was a mutual break up he said(she couldnt get serious for whatever the reason was--i think because of family) so they remained friends. Also, i have just a few guy friends calling me so in a way I feel like i am being a hypocrite but i dont speak to any ex's at the moment.I asked him at one point are you sure there is nothing to worry about by you talking to her and he said no.Soon after I checked his phone and her name was gone and a mike was there.One time, we were in his car and he received a call and from the way he was speaking,I can tell he was talking to a girl and not a guy. He said to the person i am with my g/f so i thought that was a good sign.He told me it was his friend Mike. Eventually,curiosity got the best of me and i copied down mikes number. I called it and its a girl's voice mail. The next few days i was questioning him about would you ever do something like that(change names in a cell to hide the fact its a girl) and dont you think if someone did, it means they are cheating. He said no it means he may not want to be fighting everyime his cell rings. So he denied doing that. The next time i checked-the number is back under her name..his ex..i think he knew i figured out what he did and altered it back. In a way i feel he just didn't want me getting jealous over them talking and not wanting the same argument.I believe he isnt cheating and loves me but he still lied to me and i dont know what to do. Despite this, he said he would break up with a girl if he knew she did that. I think in a way that was a threat like i better not bring up what i did. I dont want to be naive but i'm hoping its because of him not wanting me to be jealous and upset over nothing and not because they are talking too often or seeing one another. Need advice ASAP

[cygny]

ugh .

 

this is one of those scenarios where things are grey and the issues involved are emotional attachments with outside parties vs. privacy.

 

technically he is not cheating. sometimes maintaining friendships with an ex are just that. i have a few ex-boyfriends that i stay in contact with. no they are not just like other friends. there is a history there that involves physical and emotional intimacy and although we keep our friendship on the upside, we both know there at one time was more and there is a warm bond there. I can understand a new bf not liking that. at the same time i would not want to give them up. but...i only talk to them a few times a year. it is not ongoing contact.

 

the worst part of your situation is that the breakup happened from the ex-gf's side, not your bf's. so he may still be wishing for something more, keeping his hopes up, looking for an opening, even if subconsciously.

 

there's no way to know unless you find some journal entry or whatever that reveals his innermost feelings.

 

you say you've been with him a year. that's pretty long. how close is your relationship? is it exclusive? does he say he loves you? are there future plans?

 

basically, the more intimate and committed you two are, the less 'private' he should be, make sense?

 

he should be upfront with you about it, even if it means you are jealous. it's bad news when a guy starts hiding things and lying. very bad path to take, that destroys trust. no you do not make him do that. he does that all by himself. he's taking the easy way out.

 

your jealousy though is something that you need to control. are you friends with the ex-gf?

[jmmm]

Thanks,

 

We are exclusive and he does mention the future from time to time. We wanna go on vacation together soon. One time he mentioned what it would be like to meet people i went out with and i said well what if i wanted to meet your ex and he said its fine if i wanted to meet her although personally i really would just rather not. But, him saying its fine to meet her made me feel a little better. Also, I began asking more questions about her and he said her family was very traditional and he said unless god forbid her whole family suddenly disappears she isnt going to go against them now or ever and he said if he she suddenly could do something, he isn't available because now he is with me.

[cygny]

how often is their contact?

 

when he said to 'mike' -"i am with my g/f"--i personally think that was a bad sign. it was a signal to 'mike' that he had to watch what he was saying.

 

typical thing a cheater would say.

 

look, everything else says your b/f is on the upside and you are being insecure. except for that mike thing.

but---even if they are not officially 'involved' if he talks to her every week and they do not 'have' to for work etc---then he's got an emotional attachment to her. maybe you sense that and that makes you feel insecure--and that makes you go rooting in his cell phone, which is bad.

 

There is a dynamic here that is starting to spiral out of control, where he will eventually claim that you are driving him away, and you will feel more and more insecure because you 'sense' this other relationship is too important and in the way.

 

four options:

 

either

1-he agrees to limit contact with his ex to some level you are comfortable with--and is totally honest with you about everything---and you really are comfortable with it and with him (best realistic option IMO)

 

or 2-he cuts off contact with her completely (he probably won't do that, i'm guessing)

 

or 3-you lay off and learn to live with it (i think that will be hard for you unless he doesn't talk to her much)

 

or 4-you find a new boyfriend. (i am guessing that is not a real option for you)

 

pick your poison. there's no right way or wrong way except for you to continue the breach of his privacy and hounding him out of jealousy.

[reply]

Well originally he told me its like every once in awhile and the convos arent long. But it seems like it is more than that. That time in the car was like in December. And then on New Years eve i saw a text messaged from "mike" and thats when i got curious and looked at his phone. I saw one dialed call to mike and one received call as well but i didnt check the dates but obviously they were recent. So unless it was just during that time they called to talk about the holidays and plans for new years and they didnt speak in awhile before that or he could by lying and speaking once a week to her. He tells me they don't speak often but that can mean various things. I dont want to bring up his ex yet again and ask again when was the last time u spoke to her and all that. I feel like constanly bringing it up will just break us apart.

[REPLY]

Hi,

 

Well originally when i asked he said its not often at all..like once every few months or once in awhile. But that time she called in the car was in december and it was like 9pm and then he received a text message from "mike" on new years eve and thats when i got curious and checked his phone. I saw a dialed call to mike and a received call as well. I didnt get to check the dates of the call. So unless its because of the holidays they were calling to see whats up and all that it seems more often than it should be. His phone hardly rings when i am with him and we have been together for like a year. Now i am beginning to question things..like one time we were in the car again and his phone rang and he said it got disconnected but it seemed like he put it straight to v-mail or something. Now i believe his ex was calling. Also, its hard because i dont want to bring up his ex yet again and i feel like he can easily erase his calls to her on his cell or something to hide it.

[jmm]

It doesnt show up that i posted this already so sorry if it is appearing a few times..i just wanna make sure u get it.

 

He told me its once every few months or once in awhile and its like hello and goodbye..meaning i guess quick convos which doesnt make sense to me. I wouldnt call an ex to speak for 5 minutes. But that time in the car when she called it was like in december and then "mike" text messaged him on new years eve which made me suspicious and thats why i checked his phone and copied the number. I also saw one dialed call to mike and one received call so it must have been during that week. So unless its only because of the holidays they were catching up it seems like more contact than it should be. I dont want to bring up his ex yet again and now i'm sure he knows i am on to him so he would probably delete any calls to and from her. It is now making me question things like another time we were in the car and he said it got disconnected and it seems like he put it straight to v-mail. It makes me think it was her calling. Its almost a year together and i dont know if i should just cool down about the ex thing. I know someone who is friends with all his ex's because he only had long terms relationship and he is living with is current g/f. She said she sometimes gets jealous but believes they should be ok with being able to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Sometimes i just wanna say honestly i am not ok u are still talking to her. But then i feel like i cant place restrictions on someone and i should trust my boyfriend knows not to take it further than a phone call. I love him and feel like maybe i should try to give him the benefit of the doubt but its hard to do.

[cygny]

ya know, it's probaby going to depend on how strong and tight you are with your boyfriend in other ways.

 

If you are, then force yourself to let this go. Focus on the fact you have a great relationship with him and don't make an issue of it if the frequency of calls seems reasonable to you. put yourself in his place, that is always the best way to try to get perspective.

 

You will be much more attractive if you can be unthreatened by this and trust him.

 

If you aren't that tight with bf and he gives you reason to not trust him, then my guess is that this is going to eat at you, if you are in love with him more than he with you. The fact that he is hiding the calls from you now is a wedge in your relationship that you should remove. You may want to talk to him about that at some opportune time.

 

Sorry but this is a really tough one. I'm not sure I've been much help.

 

If you do talk to him about it again, do so in a positive, non-paranoid manner. don't put him on the defensive.

[sparkle & fade]

Hi,

 

I felt compelled to write to you because I am and have been battling with the same issues, almost exactly like yours for about the same length of time. I thought I could offer you some insight on what I have learned…..

 

My SO was so conniving that he used to change the names on the cell phones too, until I caught on, exactly as you did, just by natural gut instinct suspicion and calling the number back….

 

Even to this day I do not know who these women were in relation to him. He would say that they were the wives or girlfriends of his friends and that he was “just trying to contact his friend”…sounded believable but then why would he hide the number under a different name if that was the case??? Plus he seemed to be having long drawn out convos with them….

 

Now, I guess to avoid a fight he has taken their names off of the contact list so now their numbers come up without a name.

 

And I forgot about one VERY IMPORTANT fact that every cell phone has….a delete option. He can and has deleted numbers he didn’t want me to know about. Also, if the ex girl, ex lover, etc is hip to the whole “my girlfriend is really jealous so don’t call me from that number anymore”…..

 

I figure it this way: I am NEVER going to know one way or another who these women are in his life, what they mean to him, if he talks to them in the day and then deletes the number, BOTTOM LINE: I am never going to know. And neither are you, unless he decides to disclose any and all information pertaining to this woman.

 

And being a man who has dealt with your JUSTIFIED jealousy, he probably will not be disclosing anything anytime soon.

 

What really got to me was this:

 

After a while, It wasn’t the fact that he was talking to them anymore that bothered me. It was the fact that he hid it from me.

And as we all know, when someone hides something from you it is usually a sign that they are up to no good.

I do believe that your man (and mine) had good intentions at first but as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. They were trying to save us from jealousy.

 

What bothers me most of all is that he is willing to sacrifice my uneasiness and jealousy just to talk to this woman.

It almost rings of “I would be with her, if it wasn’t for you” you tend to feel like an Intruder in your own relationship. Its as if they have their own secret club that you cant be a part of or know about.

 

And reading your post it sounds like the reason it was broken off is because of religion, not because they grew apart, cheated, hate each other or any other standard reason. In a way, this is more threatening. Because he did want something more, but couldn’t pursue it, due to a choice made by HER parents and instilled in her which undoubtedly made him feel like if she loves me enough she will go against it.

 

He said it was fine that you meet her. Mine said the same. In fact, he kept encouraging it, as in “you will like her” It wasn’t till later I realized it was for ulterior motives…such as if I did like her and became good friends with her she would always be around, and will have formed a friendship with the both of us, which allowed him to become even closer and continue the emotional affair under the guise of “what?? I thought we were all friends??”

 

So if I were you, I wouldn’t venture down that road. You will just open up a whole new world of hell in which YOU yourself allowed to begin with which makes it even worse because now you have to follow through with the friendship. And you will never trust them alone, you will constantly compare yourself to her, and it just isn’t fair to you or him and I guess her as well.

 

Remember, curiosity killed the cat….

 

What I have learned:

 

Bite your tongue and bide your time. Anything you have to say regarding her is just building more hostility and resentment and wont be heard but with a half an ear. It will just get worse over time if you keep picking at it, like a scab, it will never heal.

Give it time, do not blow your cover unless it is a clear breach of your relationship. Perhaps in time he will figure it doesn’t bother you anymore and be more open. If you are really resistant about having her in his life at all, remember this: you cant force him to do anything but you can talk to him and tell him this whole situation has made you extremely uncomfortable and either you can move on, without him or he can start being honest with you about her. (but you cant harp on him when he is honest or you’ll just repeat the cycle again)

Its not much for advice, but this is what I have learned.

[jmm]

Thanks for your reply,

 

Do you guys believe it is wrong to speak to an ex? He was upfront in the beginning and her name wasnt under mike until after I showed some insecurity and jealousy about it..suddenly her name disappeared and mike appeared. This was months ago and i never thought twice about it until this past event. Thinking back, the name was changed since like october and his behavior never changed towards me and he doesnt even get a lot of phone calls when i am with him. So until that incident in the car, then i knew the truth. I speak to guys on the phone and at times i have even lied to him about just avoid him thinking something that isnt going on. But now i learned to say the truth. If a guy calls, I wont hide my phone so he doesn't see. Do you think i should just be more worried if i notice him getting phone calls while i am with him and if his behavior changes and he becomes more distant. His actions show he loves except this horrible incident. It makes me think, if can lie about this, what else can he easily lie about even though i am guilty of similiar events (one time a guy i used to see once in awhile called while i was with him and i didnt wanna answer it so i put it to v-mail and called my best friend and pretended it was her who called). I dont wanna do anything with him but i hid that he called. So now it makes me question my behavior. What do you think?

[jmm]

I just had a long talk with my boyfriend about relationships and his past. He told me this girl was not his ex girlfriend..meaning someone he was really serious about. He said it was just someone he dated, it lasted longer than he thought, and that it ran its course and he doesnt lose sleep over what could have been. They remained on good terms. He said he never introduced her to family which made me feel a little better because i met all of his family. I asked him what they talk about on the phone and he said the basic stuff like how is life, work, family etc and they talk once in awhile and on holidays and birthdays. He said he doesnt like the fact that i speak to guys but he cant do anything about it. I made it clear that i would be angry if he were speaking to this person often even though i know he can easily hide it. I said obviously you are looking for something else if you feel the need to speak to her that often. I said i wouldn't cut people out of my life if he is not willing to do the same and i said after a certain point in a relationship--such as engagement or such its time to let those people go. What do you think?