jealous of ex-wife

[luckygirl]

I had an affair with my husband's sister's husband. I have two children and he has one. Our children are cousins and they are very close in age. I was so attracted to him from the first time I met him and he apparently was attracted to me. I was unhappy in my marriage before the affair began and he just wanted to have fun. We fell madly in love and we are both divorced now. We have been together for almost three years. We have our own places but we stay together every night. We have talked about marriage in the future. My ex-husband has moved and has no contact with me or the children. His ex-wife is very involved and has a lot of trouble with this situation as would anyone.

 

My problem is that I cannot get her out of my head. When the affair began I could not have sexual relations with my husband anymore. I was disgusted by his very existence because I was so in love with my affair. He continued to have relations with his wife for some time until the actual separation. He says that he did not want her to get suspicious. I do not like that excuse. How could he even function? She is not attractive and he admits it. I am so jealous of his ex-wife. I do not know why. I remember him kissing her and cuddling with her. They had a child together. I want a child with the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with and we may not have one together. I hate to see them together when he picks up his child. She looks at him so lovingly.

 

She does not leave him alone. He always speaks positively about her. They had a wonderful relationship with the exception of a few minor things and he admits it. He defends her when I do not agree with something she does. When his ex-wife talks badly about me, he does not defend me. She constantly calls him on his cell phone unnecessarily. Why she even has his cell phone number is beyond me? She stops by his office while he is at work. She uses their child as an excuse to see him. She tries to play games to get him alone with her. I do not play the game with her. I do not let her know that it bothers me.

 

I suppose that I deserve this. I do feel bad for her for the way this happened so abruptly, but you cannot control love. He was seeing her almost every day to drop off and pick up his child, but that has stopped. He only has to see her once every other week. I think that is too much! Am I wrong? He refuses to allow me to pick up his child to make me feel better. I do trust him, but I do not trust her. I cannot explain it. She has tried to reconcile numerous times. She has tried to get him to have sexual relations with her since the separation. I still like her and can get along with her when necessary. I have even had long conversations with her on the telephone. It was uncomfortable, but it was decent.

 

I do not understand this jealousy. I am driving myself crazy. I am jealous that his ex-wife shares a child with him and he may not want one with me. I am jealous that he was married to her. I am jealous that they had sexual relations even after we began our affair. I am jealous of everything she had with him. I am jealous that he still talks to her and has to see her.

[bluechocolate]

Why she even has his cell phone number is beyond me?

 

hmm...... let me see. She is the mother of his child. A child which lives with her. She should be able to contact him anywhere and at any time until the child is old enough to pretty much look after him/herself. You yourself are a parent - surely you can understand this?

 

She tries to play games to get him alone with her. I do not play the game with her. I do not let her know that it bothers me.

 

Unfortunately you don't have much ground to stand on here. Which is why I guess you don't let her know it bothers you.

 

He only has to see her once every other week. I think that is too much! Am I wrong?

 

Yes.

 

He refuses to allow me to pick up his child to make me feel better.

 

To make you feel better? Are you serious? No doubt he wants to maximise every second he has with his kid and I can see just grounds for his ex-wife denying all contact if he lets you start picking up their child from school without her express permission. Maybe he can see that too. Did that ever occur to you?

 

I do trust him, but I do not trust her. I cannot explain it.

 

I can.

 

She has tried to reconcile numerous times. She has tried to get him to have sexual relations with her since the separation.

 

The only one I can feel sorry for here is her. It's sad that she's throwing herself at this cheating ex-husband of hers but it is hard to blame her for it.

[wanda1974]

Why she even has his cell phone number is beyond me?

 

hmm...... let me see. She is the mother of his child. A child which lives with her. She should be able to contact him anywhere and at any time until the child is old enough to pretty much look after him/herself. You yourself are a parent - surely you can understand this?

 

She tries to play games to get him alone with her. I do not play the game with her. I do not let her know that it bothers me.

 

Unfortunately you don't have much ground to stand on here. Which is why I guess you don't let her know it bothers you.

 

He only has to see her once every other week. I think that is too much! Am I wrong?

 

Yes.

 

He refuses to allow me to pick up his child to make me feel better.

 

To make you feel better? Are you serious? No doubt he wants to maximise every second he has with his kid and I can see just grounds for his ex-wife denying all contact if he lets you start picking up their child from school without her express permission. Maybe he can see that too. Did that ever occur to you?

 

I do trust him, but I do not trust her. I cannot explain it.

 

I can.

 

She has tried to reconcile numerous times. She has tried to get him to have sexual relations with her since the separation.

 

The only one I can feel sorry for here is her. It's sad that she's throwing herself at this cheating ex-husband of hers but it is hard to blame her for it.

 

Blue, I had the exact same responses to ever quote you quoted from her. WOW! Great minds think alike!

 

Luckygirl, you can NEVER distinguish on your own if he is spending too much time with his child, or if he goes there to pick his child up every day instead of every other week....JEEEZ!!!!! That is HIS CHILD...HIS NUMBER ONE....HIS REASON FOR LIFE. I can certainly understand being the other woman and the wife that's being cheated on. I've been in both situations. But, never, in a million years would I ever try to take control of anyones kids or their time with them. And then you question why she has his cell phone number? She should have had his cell phone number way before you. That is the mother of their child!!!!

[luckygirl]

I guess I forgot to mention that we were both only married for five years. That may make a difference in your comments.

I think I need to explain a few things. "Why she even has his cell phone number is beyond me?". I understand that she needs to be able to contact him in case of an emergency. His child is with us 50% of the time. She calls his cell phone when the child is with him! Not to talk to the child, but just to annoy him about irrelevant things. I understand if she needs to talk about the child, but that is rare. He owns a business in which there is someone answering the phone all day. If she has an emergency she could call his place of business and tell the secretary to have him call her back immediately. Someone is always on call after hours. The phone is always answered by him or someone else. She does not need to stop by his place of business. She could call first if she needed something. She never really has logical reason to stop by. Mind you, she goes to his place of business without their child most of the time. I would never allow my ex-husband to stop by my work place, he could call first. My ex-husband does not have my cell phone number because I do not want him to interrupt my time with my family. If he needs something, he can call and leave a message on my answering machine. "She should have his cell phone number way before you," I disagree. She is his EX-WIFE, let's not forget that! Just because she has a child with him does not give her extra privledges. They do not need to talk about anything but visitation schedules, important school, other important micellaneous, and health information. They do not need to talk about anything other than the child.

 

I know that I should not get any sympathy in this situation. I know his ex-wife is hurt, okay. I am not oblivious. You stated, "It's sad that she's throwing herself at this cheating ex-husband of hers but it is hard to blame her for it." Cheating ex-husband? I am sorry, if she is his ex-wife, he is no longer cheating. It is time that she moves on with her life. She has had long enough to accept this situation. It has been almost three years, how long is she going to hold on? Isn't that unhealthy? For not only her, but for their child.

 

Why is it wrong that I do not want his ex-wife to be able to see him? He needs to see his child, not her, right? He had to see his ex-wife multiple times a day at one point. When does he get to move on with his life? How can he have a relationship with someone else if he has to see his ex-wife numerous times a day and the problems she causes. Not to mention all of the phone calls from the ex-wife in between. I want to be in a relationship with him, not with her. It was almost like she was sitting right on his shoulder. She is obsessed.

 

I have picked up his child from his ex-wife before when he needed me to. She did not mind it and then she would change her mind. She would call him up and tell him that she did not want me on her property, I will not say what else she said about me. One day she is okay with it, and the next she is not. He consulted his attorney who told him that his ex-wife could not control who picked up his child when it was his time. She cannot deny him visitation just because she does not like who picks the child up. He makes sure that I go with him when he picks up his child. I asked him what would happen if his ex-wife made inappropriate sexual contact with him when he picked up his child? If she just reached out and kissed him or something. He would be honest and tell me, no doubt. He has never lied to me. I asked him if he would allow me to pick up his child if I was uncomfortable after an inappropraite incident like the one I described occurred. He said that he wants to pick up his child regardless of whether I am comfortable or not. First, if I picked up his child, or the ex-wife dropped her off, it would only be a couple minutes more to see his child. Why can't the ex-wife drop the child off at our house?

 

I have never complained about how much time he spends with his child, I understand the importance. When he is at work after hours, his child is with me on his days for visitation. This child is "his reason for life", but what am I? Am I a reason to live? His soul mate, the love of his life! He needs an adult relationship too! If we are in a committed relationship, I am sorry, but he needs to consider my thoughts and feelings when making decisions.

 

Here is an example of unnecessary contact: The child lost a spacer from her teeth. The ex-wife made an appointment with the dentist to have it put back in the child's mouth. The ex-wife called her ex-husband to let him know when the appointment was because it happened to fall on a day that he has visitation. NO BIG DEAL. The ex-wife sent the child to school as always with the child's school bag. My boyfriend was responsible for picking up the child after school. I told my boyfriend that no doubt his ex-wife conveniently forgot to put the spacer in the child's bag before she sent the child to school and that she was going to call him to have him pick it up or that she would drop it off. What do you know? The ex-wife called and told him that she forgot to put the spacer in the child's bag and that she would drop it off at his work place or that he could pick it up at her house. I understand that sometimes people forget things. I do it all the time. However, this was not the first time she has conveniently forgot nor the last time. Does she really need to drop it off at his work place? HECK NO! My boyfriend told his ex-wife that it was unnecessary to drop it off at his work place and to drop it off at the dentist's office! PROBLEM SOLVED! I have a problem with this game. I have almost considered breaking up with him if he is going to allow his ex-wife to get away with these games. This was the first time he realized that it was unnecessary for them to make contact. Other times, he did not recognize that this was a game and allowed her to get away with it. Does this make things clearer?

 

Here's another: It is time to file taxes! This is the first year that my boyfriend is not filing taxes with his ex-wife. He decided to use a different company to file his taxes than the one he had used in the past with his ex-wife. It was a Tuesday and his appointment was on Friday to have his taxes done. He needed copies of the last three years of filed tax returns. Rather than go to the previous company to get the copies or have them mailed to him, he called his ex-wife and told her that he would pick them up from her and then bring them back to her. COME ON! Now he has to see her two times unnecessarily. The divorce is FINAL! Now, his girlfriend is upset becaue this was unnecessary contact, he wasted his own gas to go get the darn things and drop them off, then wasted his own ink and paper to make copies. Time consuming an inefficient. Does anyone agree? Couldn't he have picked them up and dropped them off when he picks up his child to eliminate two extra contacts? Actually he was going to drop them off when he picked up his child, but ex-wife called and said she needed them back sooner. RIGHT!

 

Noone has made any comments about my problems dealing with jealousy of his ex-wife. But, I suppose I do not deserve anyone's sympathy or understanding because I WAS the mistress? I know that there are other women who have to deal with the ex-wife that could offer some advice. I also know I have not been the only mistress in the world. So enough with trying to make me feel bad about having sexual relations while being married with a married man. I am human, I do make mistakes and I do feel guilt! I am not self-centered, I do know it not only affected the the ex-husband and ex-wife, but also the children. However, it is hard to say that this was a mistake because I have found the love of my life and my soul mate. I

know that there are problems with trust when a relationship starts by an affair. How long do I have to feel bad? What kind of punishment do I deserve? I am not the only one who has ever cheated. It happens all the time, let's not be blind. We should all be adults. I know that I have sinned and I have also asked for forgiveness. If I go to hell, then at least I spent my life in happiness. Once a cheater always a cheater is not true. If someone has cheated they are obviously not happy or not the type of person to be a a single committed relationship. I am completely happy and would never cheat on this man. We have made a promise that if we feel the need to seek someone else, that we would be compeletly honest and break up before cheating would occur. We both know that cheating is wrong and do not want to make the same mistake again. He is honest and truthful and because we have both committed adultery, I think I would recognize if it happened. I know that it could, and I probably deserve it, but hey, we are just human and not perfect!

[bluechocolate]

You stated, "It's sad that she's throwing herself at this cheating ex-husband of hers but it is hard to blame her for it." Cheating ex-husband? I am sorry, if she is his ex-wife, he is no longer cheating.

 

Yeah, I got that. But he was cheating on her, wasn't he? That is what I meant. So let me rephrase -

 

It is sad that she's throwing herself at this ex-husband of hers who cheated on her.

 

I agree with you, her behaviour is wrong. She should get over him.

 

When does he get to move on with his life? How can he have a relationship with someone else if he has to see his ex-wife numerous times a day and the problems she causes. Not to mention all of the phone calls from the ex-wife in between. I want to be in a relationship with him, not with her. It was almost like she was sitting right on his shoulder.

 

You need to be having this conversation with your husband.

[littlekitty]

When does he get to move on with his life? How can he have a relationship with someone else if he has to see his ex-wife numerous times a day and the problems she causes. Not to mention all of the phone calls from the ex-wife in between. I want to be in a relationship with him, not with her. It was almost like she was sitting right on his shoulder.

 

You need to be having this conversation with your husband

 

Agree with BC. You need to talk to him about this. HE and only HE sets the boundries to their contact levels.

 

But most of all, most important... SHE'S NOT GOING AWAY. She is the mother of his son, and therefore, all the time that he wishes to remain in contact with his son, he will be in contact with her.

 

You need to be strong, and learn to deal with this.

 

It can be hell (read my posts - I'm suffering with the ex gf and mother of child) and it's hard. I do struggle sometimes with jealousy. I relate to much of what you say. But you have to put the child first, and see their needs in the relationship before you own. And you have to accept that being in that relationship, mean all the fecking tonns of sh*t that come with it when the ex isn't happy!!! But if you work together and communicate and agree boundries, then you can get through it. At least that's my hope....

[blind_otter]

I have never complained about how much time he spends with his child, I understand the importance. When he is at work after hours, his child is with me on his days for visitation. This child is "his reason for life", but what am I? Am I a reason to live? His soul mate, the love of his life! He needs an adult relationship too! If we are in a committed relationship, I am sorry, but he needs to consider my thoughts and feelings when making decisions.

 

 

I'll say first, I can somewhat understand where you're coming from. My most recent ex (who I am still in love with, we still talk, but I'm in AA and am not able to get into a relationship right now)...he had an exwife of 6 years. They had divorced about 2 years before I met him, but all told they were together like 10 years. THey had one son together.

 

Although the divorce was final, she started acting weird once he and I started dating seriously. She messed with his custody, would leave passive aggressive messages on his phone ("I guess you don't have time to talk to me anymore with your new little girlfriend..." etc etc)

 

I have other stories. Like how he got the house they shared because it had originally belonged to his family, but she would walk into his house without knocking (and apparently was still doing it recently when he changed the locks and she had a fit because she couldn't get into his house)...

 

Anyways, long story short -- the best way to deal with this is to be classy and calm and don't spaz out about everything.

 

Also, honestly, his kid SHOULD come first. I would be the same way if it were my child. This is not a competition between who gets more attention/consideration from your SO.

 

If you want to be with him you're going to have to work it out, or be pissed for the rest of your life. The choice is yours. But you WILL have to compromise, and that shouldn't distress you so much.