I don't believe what I'm reading....

[onemoreday]

I just found this site and I can't believe all the stories I'm reading about the experiences between MM and OW. I've been with a MM for over two years. I'm also playing the waiting game. I've heard all the excuses. I met my MM when I was married. His wife was pregnant. We were both lonely for a lot of different reasons and thought that maybe we could use the affair to stay in the marriage. I couldn't do it. I left my husband. He had his first child. After a 1 1/2 years into the affair his wife caught us for the third time. she told him to leave the house. He lives on his own but his wife patrols him as if he lived at home. He goes to her house every night to play with the baby. He tells me he is leaving but wants his wife to realize that they do not belong together. She has asked him to move back in he has said no several times. My MM and I speak everyday and see eachother 2 times a week. He doesn't want her to think that he is leaving her for me. I'm exhausted. He tells me that he is leaving. I'm not sure anymore. I think I should leave him and hope he comes to me. I'm lost. I don't know if I should wait just a little longer. It will soon be a year since his wife kicked him out. I'm sure she is tired of all this as well. She is an attractive woman and has a life. I think she is hanging on for the baby. What do I do? after reading all of the threads on this forum I feel sick and completely confused.

[bluechocolate]

I don't know if I should wait just a little longer.

 

Here's a quote I seem to be using a lot lately.

There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things & expecting different results

-------Gordon Livingston, M.D.

[whichwayisup]

It's time to play hard ball with him. If he wants to be with you, then it's time to ask for a divorce. Seems he isn't sure what he really wants, which is probably why he hasn't closed the door by getting a divorce.

 

Since you've been reading about the OW/MM outcome and how the story usually goes, I don't need to say too much.

 

For your own peace of mind, take control of the situation! He needs to s*** or get off the pot. It's not fair to you if he really has no plans to make a committment. And if he does decide to divorce, remember his exwife will always be part of your life and you may be step mom to this baby. There's alot to think about...Is he worth it? Or would it be better long term for you to end it now, walk away, get some therapy if you need help dealing with the loss and then go on with your life to be with a man who is single and will just with you? Love only you...

[onemoreday]

I'm scared to lose him. I've dedicated a lot of time to this man. We have a strong connection. I know..I know you've heard that before. He does tell me that he loves me and wouldn't be putting everything at risk if he didn't. We both married for the wrong reasons, which became much more apparant when we met eachother. We have tried to break up in the past but it has never lasted for more than a couple of weeks. I'm afraid that this time with be no different and I will only put myself through the agony of losing him. The only thing I can say is that I'm started to hate him for having me in this state of limbo for so long. His baby is turning 2 in a month. I know he will not do anything before that. Do I wait until after her birthday to leave?

[My_Other_I]

Timing will never be good.

He needs to decide. On the other hand I don't see what will change. Even with his divorce, he will still be going to the house to see the baby. Seems like that's what he wants. Why haven't they worked out custody yet? They've been separated for a year...

 

Onemoreday, you can read the stories here and relate to some situations, but noone can make the decision for you. You want to be with him. Each story is different and we only see a very small part of what is really going on, and how much of one's feelings are really involved, etc.

 

Ask him why he is not getting a divorce. Ask him what his real intentions are. He is in a rough spot himself - confused, emotional, ... . Men rarely make decisions for themselves, they wait for others to decide for them. If the W didn't kick him out after the third time, he would still be living there.

 

Why doesn't he want her to think that he is leaving her for you? Isn't he?

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[bluechocolate]

I'm scared to lose him.

 

How can you lose what you don't have?

 

He does tell me that he loves me and wouldn't be putting everything at risk if he didn't.

 

She knows about you. He's separated already. What more is he 'putting at risk'? My bet is it's the marriage.

 

He tells me he is leaving but wants his wife to realize that they do not belong together.

 

So it's up to the wife whether he fully commits to you or not? How incredibly lame is that? Not to mention convenient for him.

 

His baby is turning 2 in a month. I know he will not do anything before that. Do I wait until after her birthday to leave?

 

Sure, why not? And then you can wait until Christmas is over, then when Easter is over, then when she turns 3, then when he's better off financially, then when she turns 4, then when..............

[My_Other_I]

I'm scared to lose him.

 

How can you lose what you don't have?

 

 

What do you mean by 'you don't have'? THey have been involved, which means they are involved in each others lives. Noone can have anyone. The W doesn't have him, either, as he doesn't have the W or the OW. People are not things, you cannot own them.

I think she meant she doesn't want him to leave her life.

[onemoreday]

My MM has been very honest with me and has told me that he cannot sacrifice his life for his daughter yet he feels very guilty. He wants to give his daughter the best and he feels that at this stage he cannot' whether he is with me or not. He knows that his marriage is over, in that he no longer loves his wife and she no longer respects him. He is scared. I realize that this is a big decision but I agree that men never decide on their own. My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out. He is fearful that his wife will make our lives miserable and that I will not be able to handle it. That is why he wants his wife to realize that they do no belong together. He wants her to see that they had problems before he met me. I think he want the impossible. He wants her to agree with him that they should divorce. He doesn't want it to become adversarial because he does not want to harm his daughter. This is all too exhausting.

[BUTAFLY]

they all ready live apart right? so what is the difference if they sign a piece of paper and make it legal. Nothing changes.. except the fact that he maybe holding on to his marriage.

[cherrie498]

I don't know if I should wait just a little longer.

 

Here's a quote I seem to be using a lot lately.

 

Quote:

 

There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things & expecting different results

-------Gordon Livingston, M.D.

 

The definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

We are all guilty of this : )

Damn these MM for making the OW literally CRAZY!!!

 

onemoreday: Do what makes you happy! dont let the situation control you, fix it & make it comfortable for you. There is a way that you can support your boyfriend & feel secure with him during live trying time.

Explain to him your side of the situation & tell him how he can reassure you. If you cant be happy then leave, dont let this destroy you.

Good Luck !!!!

[whichwayisup]

My MM has been very honest with me and has told me that he cannot sacrifice his life for his daughter yet he feels very guilty. He wants to give his daughter the best and he feels that at this stage he cannot' whether he is with me or not. He knows that his marriage is over, in that he no longer loves his wife and she no longer respects him. He is scared. I realize that this is a big decision but I agree that men never decide on their own. My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out. He is fearful that his wife will make our lives miserable and that I will not be able to handle it. That is why he wants his wife to realize that they do no belong together. He wants her to see that they had problems before he met me. I think he want the impossible. He wants her to agree with him that they should divorce. He doesn't want it to become adversarial because he does not want to harm his daughter. This is all too exhausting.

 

Then you have to respect that. His first priority is going to be his child. His daughter. Which sadly could mean for you that you come second for quite a while.

 

My MM tells me that his biggest fear is that he leaves his marraige and then him and I don't work out.

 

THIS IS why he isn't going to commit to you. I'm so sorry to say this, but the truth is right there. He is scared of ending his marriage completely for a life he isn't sure about that may not work out. He is scared of taking a chance. The backup plan here is, if thing do not work out with you two, he can work things out at home...And not be alone. Sorry to sound harsh. Really read your post again. There is SO much information in it, but I don't think you can see the truth of the full picture here. Take a step back, and really look...

[bluechocolate]

What do you mean by 'you don't have'? THey have been involved, which means they are involved in each others lives. Noone can have anyone. The W doesn't have him, either, as he doesn't have the W or the OW. People are not things, you cannot own them.

I think she meant she doesn't want him to leave her life.

I knew what she meant.

 

But after 2 years & now being separated he still hasn't made a commitment to be with her, has he?

 

As long as he's still in this 'in between' place he can go back to the wife at any time. That is what I meant.

If the W didn't kick him out after the third time, he would still be living there.

 

[onemoreday]

My MM and I just got off of the phone. His wife has scheduled a therapy session for this week. They argued all weekend and she has come to the conclusion that she can not speak to him without it becoming an all out yelling match. She wants to try and talk. She asked for his cell phone records. This is a problem because for the last 6 months he has told her that he is not with me. She apparently does not believe him. He told me that he is going to comply. He wants to see if she gets past the cheating and they can talk about all the problems they had prior to him meeting me. This is a problem. I am not going to be able to call him as freely as I could before. I can call him on his work line and he will call me from home. He does not want my number to appear on the bill. We usually talk for hours on the phone. I think sometimes too much. He tells me that we are substituting conversation for time we can not spend together. He has spent a good portion of the morning apologizing for everything. He tells me that he feels guilty that I'm alone because of him. He thinks that therapy wont last for more then a month or two. He hopes that he and his wife can come to an amicable solution and divorce. Should I set a two month deadline or should I leave him alone to deal with his wife. He doesn't want me to leave him. He keeps telling me that he does not want to lose me and that he needs me to be there for him during this time. He claims that I am the only one that listens to him the only person he speaks freely to about his problems. I believe him. I know all this is coming to an end only because I do not think that his wife can tolerate much more of this. I think she may be as tired as I am. I'm still confused and am hoping to find some clarity. Help?

[magda]

How is it that you think your story is different from all the others?

 

 

He is telling you point blank that he is trying to work things out with her, and for you to basically hide from her so that he can live his double life without consequence. If you force him to make a choice, by no longer talking to him, he is going to choose his wife. Is that what you fear? He seems to be choosing her even though you have been there, patiently waiting. This can't be good for your self-respect!

 

The sooner you move on the better. If you keep talking to him, you're going to remain in limbo. He won't be fully committing to his wife and you won't have him. This literally could last for years until one or both of you get sick of it! By staying around you are basically enabling him to continue giving you sloppy seconds. There's no need to feel used if you recognize it for what it is and DO SOMETHING about it. If you don't, it's going to continue eating away at your soul.

[onemoreday]

He is telling you point blank that he is trying to work things out with her, and for you to basically hide from her so that he can live his double life without consequence.

 

My question is.. Why hasn't he just moved back in with his wife and his daughter if that is what he wants? If he moved back in with his wife I would be clear. I would know that he chose his family over me, but that has not happened even though his wife asked him to do so for the baby over the holidays.

[bluechocolate]

My question is.. Why hasn't he just moved back in with his wife and his daughter if that is what he wants? If he moved back in with his wife I would be clear. I would know that he chose his family over me, but that has not happened even though his wife asked him to do so for the baby over the holidays.

Your question should be why hasn't he yet make the choice to be with you.

[magda]

Maybe he just wants to keep walking the fence, keeping you both waiting, keeping his options open. But, I think we both know that he wants her more. Else he wouldn't be telling you to stop calling so she can see his phone records... among the other proofs.

[mopar crazy]

My question is.. Why hasn't he just moved back in with his wife and his daughter if that is what he wants? If he moved back in with his wife I would be clear. I would know that he chose his family over me, but that has not happened even though his wife asked him to do so for the baby over the holidays.

onemoreday, your story sounds familiar to mine, however, I'm not the OW, but the BS.

 

My H filed for a D, claimed we weren't happy. I kicked him out of our home. He went to live w/ a friend until I moved out of our home when our children finished the school year. As soon as he wanted the D friends told me of the A between him and his co-worker. Both denied it. I denied it to myself, thought it was just rumors, and there was no facts. We didn't live 2gether but he wanted to work on the M also, but stay separated. We we were still sleeping w/ eachother several times a week (when he came to see our children and after they went to bed). I found out more about the A, this time facts, so I told him it was over, I was going on w/ my life he could have the OW, he still denies the A. I moved away and a month later he called me wanting to work on the M and told me the truth about the A. I gave it several weeks b4 I took him back. I decided to give the M a second chance. We were still separated several months after he broke it off w/ the other woman.

 

My point is, just b/c they aren't living together doesn't mean they aren't trying to make the M work. Some times it just take a M and a W to stay separated to work on their M. They just need the time apart to figure out what they want.

He seems like he is confused right now. He doesn't know what he wants, the M or the D. I think you need to take a step back and let him figure out what he wants w/ his life. If he wants you bad enough he will accept your decision of staying out of his life until he figures out what he wants. Maybe he will realize how much he wants you once you are gone. Tell him you are stepping back for a couple months to see what he wants. If he can't make up his mind in those two months you are going on w/ your life w/o him. It's not fair he is doing this to you,or his W. He needs to s*** or get off the pot. Life is too short to wait around for him to make up his mind. I loved my H and I didn't want to loose him but I wasn't going to hang on to our M for him to make up his mind.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hello OneMOreDay. I want to tell you that if you want support and serious advice on how to deal with your situation with you MM, you should post your story on OW/OM instead because the people there are in situations that are very similar to yours. You will not get much sympathy here because most people here are the betrayed WIVES.

 

In my opinion, you should stick it out with him if you truly love him. Hey, you've already waited for 2 years. The wife may want to work out their marriage problems, but it doesn't seem like he is interested. In the meantime, you can get into a new hobby and meet other people. You may have to wait a long time, so let yourself grow in the process. Good luck. You have my sympathy because I truly believe in LOVE.

[onemoreday]

Am I crazy or just blind? What confuses me the most is that my MM does not want to stop seeing me. He knows that if his wife found out at this stage that the effects would be devastating. He doesn't want an all out war with his wife. He wants an amicable relationship. He continues to tell me this. He also continues to reassure me that he loves me and knows that we are meant to be together. He just needs to feel comfortable with getting the divorce. He wants his wife to understand that he really doesn't like the person she is and she really doesn't like the person he is. I think he is asking for too much from his wife, who has obviously been very hurt by all of this.

 

Today he explained to me that he wanted his wife to get past the cheating and focus on all the problems they were having before MM and I met. He tells me that ever time they talk about the problems they had/have in the marriage, her response is always "but you cheated on me". According to him she continues to victimize herself and refuses to see the flaws that she has or how she may have contributed to him being unfaithful. He wants her to look deeper and realize that that they are where they are now, not because of me, but because of the prior problems in their relationship. He claims that all she does is blame me for him cheating on her. He thinks that if she can get to that point out future together and his future with his daughter will be easier. He is afraid that his wife is going to make everyones life a living hell. When he tells me all of this I can't help but believe him.

 

If he wants to work on his marriage why doesn't he just tell me. I would understand. He knows that. I've been married before. I was just much more resolute when I left my husband. I didn't have a child. We have tried to stop seeing each other in the past. I have told him that he should resolve his issues with his wife then decide what he wants. He can never go more than two weeks without contacting me. He tells me that he is afraid of losing me. My MM has been brutally honest with me about several other things why wouldn't he just tell me that he wants to take a break?

[mopar crazy]

Of course he doesn't want to stop seeing you, he is getting his cake and eating it too. Why wont he tell you he wants to work on his M? B/c he thinks if he does you will no longer be there for him so he can pour his heart out, get emotional support, and of course sex. He wants his W AND you.

 

 

How the he!! can his W get past the cheating when the stupid SOB is still doing it? What an idiot he is! If they are trying to work on their M and he is still seeing you he is still cheating on her. Did he cheat on her b4 w/ someone else, or are you his first A?

 

 

This part pisses me off and makes my blood boil: According to him she continues to victimize herself and refuses to see the flaws that she has or how she may have contributed to him being unfaithful.

WTH! SHE IS THE VICTIM! He cheated on her. She has flaws? What about his flaws? I don't care what anyone does in a M, they DO NOT deserve to be cheated on. So this guy is basically saying it was partly her fault for him being unfaithful b/c of the way she acted? What a pr!ck!!! You are only hearing his side of the story. Maybe HE is the one that has a terrible spouse that abuses her, who knows, only him and his W know this. Of course he isn't going to tell you anything he has done wrong in the M, it's always what the W does wrong.

 

If he really loves you he will respect your choice to back out of the relationship until he knows what he wants. They really need to go to MC and work on this themselves, w/ a MC, w/o you being involved. Don't waist your time waiting for a man who doesn't know what he wants. GL

[onemoreday]

How the he!! can his W get past the cheating when the stupid SOB is still doing it? What an idiot he is! If they are trying to work on their M and he is still seeing you he is still cheating on her. Did he cheat on her b4 w/ someone else, or are you his first A?

 

I'm his first affair. He is not the cheating type. I don't know if he is working on the marriage. He continues to tell me all the stuff I previously mentioned about wanting her to look at the problems they had before. I don't think he wants to feel so guilty about all of this.

 

 

This part pisses me off and makes my blood boil: According to him she continues to victimize herself and refuses to see the flaws that she has or how she may have contributed to him being unfaithful.

WTH! SHE IS THE VICTIM! He cheated on her. She has flaws? What about his flaws? I don't care what anyone does in a M, they DO NOT deserve to be cheated on. So this guy is basically saying it was partly her fault for him being unfaithful b/c of the way she acted? What a pr!ck!!! You are only hearing his side of the story. Maybe HE is the one that has a terrible spouse that abuses her, who knows, only him and his W know this. Of course he isn't going to tell you anything he has done wrong in the M, it's always what the W does wrong.

 

I agree and disagree. I cheated on my husband. I would have never strayed if he was home more often, if he had listened when I sat him down on so many different occasions and told him that I was lonely. I needed my husband and loved him. He abandoned me, not for another woman, but for work. When he found out that I was cheating on him he was shocked. He never thought that he could lose me. He had lost me a long time before I started cheating. He contributed to my being unfaithful. He admitted it. He wanted to change things, but it was too late for me. I had let someone else into my heart. I never thought that I would cheat on my husband, but I didn't really want to get divorced. I was just very lonely. Sometimes the spouse does have flaws and fails to deal with them even though you ask them time and time again. They usually want to fix things when its too late. My MM and I had similar complaint about our marriages when we met. Neither of us intended to get divorced. We thought that we could be friends with benefits and just supplement the marriage. We weren't thinking straight.

 

I do agree however agree with you that no matter how bad the situation is no one deserves to be cheated on.

[mopar crazy]

I'm his first affair. He is not the cheating type. I don't know if he is working on the marriage. He continues to tell me all the stuff I previously mentioned about wanting her to look at the problems they had before. I don't think he wants to feel so guilty about all of this.

 

 

 

 

I agree and disagree. I cheated on my husband. I would have never strayed if he was home more often, if he had listened when I sat him down on so many different occasions and told him that I was lonely. I needed my husband and loved him. He abandoned me, not for another woman, but for work. When he found out that I was cheating on him he was shocked. He never thought that he could lose me. He had lost me a long time before I started cheating. He contributed to my being unfaithful. He admitted it. He wanted to change things, but it was too late for me. I had let someone else into my heart. I never thought that I would cheat on my husband, but I didn't really want to get divorced. I was just very lonely. Sometimes the spouse does have flaws and fails to deal with them even though you ask them time and time again. They usually want to fix things when its too late. My MM and I had similar complaint about our marriages when we met. Neither of us intended to get divorced. We thought that we could be friends with benefits and just supplement the marriage. We weren't thinking straight.

 

I do agree however agree with you that no matter how bad the situation is no one deserves to be cheated on.

Ok, so let me get this right, if I'm wrong about this plz let me know, k?

He is trying to get his W to come out and talk about the problems they had

b4 his A so she can finally realize the M isn't worth trying to save, that it was never good even b4 you came along? W/ him trying to convince her of this it's his way of making her think that since the M was doomed b4 you there is no reason to be upset about the A, or the D?

 

 

I'm sorry that you're exH was never around and that was your reason for an A. My H and I also had problems b4 his A. He was never home. He was probably home once or twice a week during the spring/summer months, and the winter he was gone all weekend, only being home to sleep. He was always out drinking. I was also very lonely. I was home raising our children practically alone. But no matter how lonely I was, I wasn't going to have an A. Sure, I liked when men paid attention to me but I would never have an A.

[Curmudgeon]

He doesn't want her to think that he is leaving her for me.

 

Nor should he. The worst reason to leave one person is for another. They should leave for themselves because the relationship doesn't meet their needs, not because they already have someone else waiting in the wings.

[Curmudgeon]

He doesn't want her to think that he is leaving her for me.

 

Nor should he. The worst reason to leave one person is for another. They should leave for themselves because the relationship doesn't meet their needs, not because they already have someone else in the wings.