I don't believe what I'm reading....

[BUTAFLY]

My ex got divorced because of his OW and asked her to marry him. He met me during his engagement to her and we dated for 7mos before I found out he was engaged. He is has been married for 1 yr and is working a new A w/ some other girl at our job. I'm sure its only a matter of time before she falls for him, if she hasn't already. Eventhough men say I don't count because he was not technically married, only engaged, the wife (exOW) has already been cheated as a fiance and is about to be cheated on as the new wife. Its a continues cycle w/him, he is a seriel cheat and she married him knkowing this. So for ExOW or women who get with men on a sneaky decietful way I hope you don't mind having a H that will be unfaithful.

 

what do you guys think? Is it concidered cheating or an Affair if he was not married yet?

[AnchorManagement]

AnchorManagement,

 

Had you started to take steps to leave your wife or were you still deciding when your OW started drifting away?

 

Still deciding. Again, it's not like I ever thought I'd be in a position of contemplating a family breakup. It scared the crap out of me.

 

Have you spoken to her and told her that you would be willing to leave your wife?

 

Yes, I sent her a long email basically saying how awful this time away has been, and that it's put alot of things in perspective, notably who I want to spend my life with. I said it would take planning and patience, but it would happen.

 

As for you, was the fact that you wanted to start your own family an issue? Was the idea of having more kids at all a pressure for him? Again, it comes back to the very real logistics of life getting in the way of what we may want. Unless money was no issue, I'm sure the idea of supporting two families made him at least a little nervous. My OW is at a different stage; she has kids already.

 

Your strategy of keeping your distance is smart. If his feelings are anything like mine he'll be climbing the walls about now. Yes, he may wonder if you've moved on, but he'll be doing the wondering in the middle of the night while he can't sleep. Being without you will focus his priorities - he'll either decide he can't live without you, or he'll decide to stay on the path of lesser resistance. All I can tell you is that the process he's going through is no picnic, no matter what decision he makes.

 

The main problem, I think, is that you see him as your entire domestic future while he sees you as a relationship. You're at different stages in life, which doesn't increase the odds he'll choose you, to be blunt. But he won't just stop loving you, and you'll remain under his skin for a long, long time, no matter what.

 

Should I even ask if you've tried dating anyone new?

[AnchorManagement]

what do you guys think? Is it concidered cheating or an Affair if he was not married yet?

 

It's important in a court of law to distinguish between murder and manslaughter, but the victim remains just as dead.

[onemoreday]

All you people that expect relationships from cheaters are hilarious. I don't mean to be condescending or insulting or anything, but what exactly makes you think he will never cheat again.

I was married when I met my MM. We continued the A as two married people, but I couldn't take going back home to my H and pretending to be happy. I divorced my H. What drove me to cheat on my H was not that I am a "cheater" but that I was lonely in my marriage. Not every person who has an affair is a serial cheater. I'm not and my MM knows that. I know he isn't one either.

[onemoreday]

Yes, I sent her a long email basically saying how awful this time away has been, and that it's put alot of things in perspective, notably who I want to spend my life with. I said it would take planning and patience, but it would happen.

 

What was her response?

 

As for you, was the fact that you wanted to start your own family an issue? Was the idea of having more kids at all a pressure for him? Unless money was no issue, I'm sure the idea of supporting two families made him at least a little nervous.

 

He is afraid of having more children, but only because of the effects he thinks that it would have on his daughter. Money isn't the issue. I don't need the financial support just the emotional support.

 

 

All I can tell you is that the process he's going through is no picnic, no matter what decision he makes.

 

I know that the process is a difficult one, but I sometimes forget. As I mentioned in some of my previous posts my MM is already out of the house. It has been a year. He continues to tell me that somehow he wants his wife to see that they had/have serious problems that predated me. I think it too difficult of a task.

 

Should I even ask if you've tried dating anyone new?

 

I can't. I'm too involved. It would feel like I'm cheating on him.

[AnchorManagement]

onemoreday- When I emailed her my long-term goal of being with her, she responded that she wasn't able to deal with it right now. Typical pattern for her over the past few months - acknowledge an issue without explaining it or lifting a finger to repair it. Another thing - if it was up to her we'd still be having sex amidst all this confusion. Seriously. She was perfectly fine sleeping with me twice a week even while becoming emotionally distant. I was the one who tried to force her odd behaviour out in the open and ended up walking away. Yeah, the sex WAS that good, but I'd love her to feel for me what you feel for your guy.

 

I also read back to the beginning of this thread to get a better sense of your situation. I admit I can't figure out why your MM is so resistant when he's already on his own. It's not that he CAN'T be with you, he simply WON'T. Whatever he's trying to prove to his wife has already been proven by now, or won't ever be. I hate to ask, but is it possible he loves you up to a point, but not to the level of marrying you and building a family with you?

 

Every relationship has a plateau; are you sure yours is compatible with his?

[BUTAFLY]

It's not that he CAN'T be with you, he simply WON'T.

[is it possible he loves you up to a point, but not to the level of marrying you and building a family with you?

][/b]Every relationship has a plateau; are you sure yours is compatible with his?

 

The about says it all for me. This is what my MM has been trying to explain to me, but I refused to listen or believe. To hear anchormanagement repeat MM sentiment is quite sobering.

[onemoreday]

AnchorManagement,

onemoreday I hate to ask, but is it possible he loves you up to a point, but not to the level of marrying you and building a family with you?

Maybe your right. Maybe he doesn't love me enough to leave his family. I wish he would just tell me that. I would understand even though it would be painful to let him go. I really don't know what he is thinking anymore. Maybe I'm just too risky. He often tells me that he is afraid that after him and I are together that I'd get bored or tired and leave him. I think he never feared or will ever fear that his wife would do that. I think the fact that I left my husband makes him think that I have a gypsy heart. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I can't keep myself here for much longer.

 

I'm sorry about your situation, but maybe you should be grateful that your OW acted this way before you actually left your family. What good would it have been for you to leave your family to only end up with a person that has difficulty communicating. I'm sure in the future you and your OW would have had issues with that. After three years of being involved with you she should be able to tell you how she feels, whether good or bad. Communication is a form of intimacy that helps keep a relationship together.

[AnchorManagement]

What good would it have been for you to leave your family to only end up with a person that has difficulty communicating. I'm sure in the future you and your OW would have had issues with that. After three years of being involved with you she should be able to tell you how she feels, whether good or bad. Communication is a form of intimacy that helps keep a relationship together.

 

You're right, of course. Looks like we're both pretty good at giving advice; I wonder how well we're able to take it.

 

So assuming our two relationships are fated to end, what next? This is your thread, not mine, but at first read you sounded remarkably like my OW (the timing, the cellphone access, the promises, the feelings, etc.), so much so that I half believed you were her and posted here. But you communicate wayyyy too well, and way too clearly. You know what you want, my OW doesn't. So what will you do with all that emotion left hanging in midair? How can you mourn its loss, and with whom? And what would you like to see for your future?

 

Yes, I am sounding starkly negative about this, but based on all I've read it seems that your options are either, 1) Accept the relationship as it was, with little hope of evolving toward a marriage and family; or 2) Force yourself to move on.

[Makeitstop]

Does anyone really know how often MM leave the W or don't leave the W ?

I'm not looking to comfort myself, I'm just very curious. When men have long term emotional affairs and the W finds out do most of the MM stay with the W? I can't imagine that the BS every gets over the A. It seems to me that once that trust is betrayed the marriage is broken. It would take a lot of work from the M and W to make the marraige work. Or do these MM sit around an do the same thing over and over again until the BS has enough.

 

How many of the MM leave the W for the OW? The majority of the people in this forum, I'm assuming, have been the OW and have been hurt by the MM who has not left the W, but how many OWs have ended up with the MM?

 

There are so many divorces these days. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. I'm assuming that a lot of them end because of an A. You have to be really miserable to leave a M to be by yourself.

 

 

I believe that it is possible. I have to for my own situation. Also statistics don't lie: In 50% of all marriages one spouse cheats on the other. Most of those marriages stay together. Check out marriage builder dot com. Now on to my situation: My husband has had an affair. A short one with a co-worker because I found out. They had sex and shared meaningful times together. But this is what it boils down too. My husband went out searching for his needs to be met. He was unhappy. I wasn't doing my part. So this woman came up and seduced him (and I'm not saying this spitefully. This woman is 11 years older than my husband). He jumped at the chance for his needs to be met. He told her we were getting a divorce. But the fact is, I never realized how bad it had gotten. And when I came to my husband and begged him to allow me to meet his needs (which is what he wanted in the first place) he came home and broke up with this OW. Of course it will be a hard road. I feel unsure about whether he'll cheat again. He's unsure as to whether this is the right decision because he "loves" her. But the truth is, you are meeting his needs that aren't being met by his wife. If the W is ever to understand what those needs are and be willing 100% to meet them...be willing to do ANYTHING possible to meet his needs, there will be no place for you. Then "your" MM will go back to his W. And you will realize that he was never yours to begin with. And all you did was waste your time waiting for an institution of Matrimony to break up just for you. This MM and his W took vows before God that supercede you and his feelings. It's never over until they both sign on the dotted line and break those vows. Anytime before that, anything can change, anything can be worked out, and any marriage can be saved through any circumstance...even an OW...

[onemoreday]

But the truth is, you are meeting his needs that aren't being met by his wife. If the W is ever to understand what those needs are and be willing 100% to meet them...be willing to do ANYTHING possible to meet his needs, there will be no place for you. Then "your" MM will go back to his W.

I agree that an MM will go elsewhere to have his needs met, but I don't believe that a W or an OW or any woman should have to be willing to do ANYTHING possible to meet a man's needs. I think you can either meet a man's needs by being yourself or you can't. I think the same applies for women. I actually think that women have more needs than do men. I often look back at my prior relationship and see the fundamental differences between my x-husband and I. No matter how much he was willing to change and no matter how much I was willing to accept I know that he never could have made happy. We had different life goals.

I don't think that all marriages are beyond repair after an an A, but I do think that some are. There are some needs that can never be meet by your spouse and you sometimes don't realize how important those needs until you are already in the marriage. I also think that people change and grow apart. My MM may or may not stay in his M, but if he does I know he will be miserable. Not because he doesn't love his wife, but because the only thing he shares with her is a child. A child is a strong bond, but it may not be enough.

 

This MM and his W took vows before God that supercede you and his feelings.

 

This is an assumption that no one should make. Not everyone takes thier vows before God.