single again, and unsure of where to start

[Shantel]

well, i'm sure this will be a common dilemma, but i feel that i need to talk about it since after months, nothing seems to be getting any better, only worse.

 

i'll start from the beginning as most stories do, i wouldn't say that i was bullied after seeing the suffering of some members here, but i was certainly given a hard time in school, especially about my looks.

 

i even left school because of many things which happened there, and was left with little to no confidence about myself at all - however this isn't all about my lack of confidence so i'll now skip ahead.

 

i have never had luck with men and relationships, i've been rejected many times and have only really been in a couple of real relationships, both of these failed miserably and left me broken hearted, and with even less confidence.

 

i'm now on my own again and am feeling worse than i ever did before, i feel completely without hope and faith in love and dating, i've been single for a few months and have no idea of where to go from here.

 

i don't know where to meet anyone and even if i could, i have no confidence to make a move towards anyone or any thing, i feel as though i'm just stuck in a hole that i can't escape from, and everything good is on the ground above but i can't get out of the hole to even attempt to reach it, because the hole is sinking lower and lower. i know that's a terrible metaphor but i hope it can somehow express how i feel right now.

 

my friends are i think getting a little annoyed at my behaviour, and i can in no way blame them.

 

i really need some advice about what to do, i really want to start dating again and to try and find happyness again, but i don't know where to start, i can't go to parties and bars, it's not who i am and i have no one to go with, i don't really have the oppurtunities to meet men, and i really feel that even if i did, they genuinely wouldn't look twice at me, i just feel invisible.

 

i'm truly sorry for how whiny this topic must sound, but i needed to talk about this, i need advice about where to go from here.

 

thank you so much in advance for your help, you people are wonderful with your advice, and i apologise if i'm just sounding like a lost cause.

 

shanty

[caring guy]

Hi Shantel

I feel EXACTLY the same as you, even your schooldays problems ring home to me!

I also feel that through lack of current confidence, i find i'm at a losing end & will forever be alone! Jeez, life alone sucks!

I too spent much of my life single, but having had a little taste of affection & love & now it's not there, we crave & miss it.

I hate to try & "pull" in bars & clubs, it aint me, so what can i suggest, for us both! I dunno. Both my big relationships i got into happened outa the blue, so maybe thats all i can say!

If we go out & try, it won't happen, but maybe to be openly looking, smile at people, talk & join in with things it will happen.

Sh*t, why does everyone seem like their married or in a relationship!

Take care & big huggs

cg

[Gator762]

I never enjoyed my schooldays either, but it does get better...

 

If you don't do any excersize for fitness, start! Not only can it help you be more appealing, but excercise also releases endorphins which help you feel good. Get in the gym regularly, like 4-5 times a week, and get those endorphins flowing!

[dgiirl]

Low self-esteem? I am the queen of that! About a year ago, I hit my all time low when my exh left me for another woman. But it was also the beginning of my climb out of depression and gaining my self-esteem back. The very first first thing I did was I took a look at myself in the mirror and focused on the one feature that I really liked about myself. In my case it was my eyes. I focused on my eyes and told myself how pretty they are and i ALLOWED myself to believe it. I trained myself to look at my self image differently. Instead of seeing all my negative features, I focused on the positive ones, and I retrained my internal dialogue.

 

After that, I started to smile at people. Young/old/men/women. Didnt matter. I just smiled as they walked passed me and sometimes we would make eye contact and they would smile back at me! This made me feel so good about myself. I was able to make someone smile

 

Next, I took an inventory of all my clothes and things I did on a daily basis and see if there was anything I could change, that would boost my confidence and yet not make me feel like i'm selling out. I bought new form fitting clothes. I bought new underwear. And I started doing new things that I've always wanted to do.

 

Also, I started to really believe and pay attention to the positive comments people said about me. If someone said I was pretty, I thanked them! I didnt play modest and refuse their compliment. I didnt downplay it. I took it and absorbed it and believed it and added it to my internal dialogue.

 

I'm still not dating, and I dont know how to go and meet guys. But I've decided that I'm not going to focus on it. Sure, I will get out of the house and go to rich target areas for meeting ppl, BUT I will not go with the expectations that I'll meet someone. Because when I do that, I end up disappointed, and I believe I give off a little bit of desperation. You have to start living life for you and being truely truely happy with your singleness. When you can accomplish that, I believe you will attract the right type of people who will enhance those feelings for you. Remember, only look for people who enhance the positives and get rid of those who focus on the negative. They'll bring you down into a depression.

 

edited:

 

Also, I do believe your bad luck in relationships is highly related to your self esteem. Highschool sucked! Plain and simple. I always felt left out, never pretty enough, too shy to communicate. But you know what, that was years ago! Life has changed, people have changed, and I'm better than that. Cant live in the past so stop going there! If your coming out of a relationship, i think the BEST thing you can do for yourself is to NOT look for a relationship. Take your time and be single! Yes it's scary at first, but it's also empowering. You'll learn to live on your own. You'll learn to make yourself happy! And if you ever get involved in a dysfunctional relationship, you'll get out sooner. You have choices now. You wont have any fear of the unknown. Take some time out and just be happy with you! Cos you're going to be with yourself for a very damn long time, longer than anyone else you know. So you might as well enjoy it and learn as much as possible about yourself!

[Curmudgeon]

to use the free time you now have to become your own best friend and to learn how to enjoy your own company.

 

I firmly believe that love comes best when we're least looking for it. It just manages to creep up on you.

 

People looking for love can appear hungry and that can be very off-putting.

 

Involve yourself in some activities with like-minded people (bar hopping not recommended) and you may be pleasantly surprised at the ultimate results.

[caring guy]

It's very difficult in todays society to meet people in places not designed for this!

Bar hopping isn't my thing either, but is designed for it as lots of m & f's there!

They say supermarkets are good places, you can see all those ready meals for 1 in peoples baskets!

It's just so hard & when you miss love, like me, it can hurt & be depressing when we see other couples.

[Curmudgeon]

I spent two years during and following my divorce in a 25-year marriage living like a monk. Seeing other couples who appeared happy was a bit tough. However, I put my time to good use, worked out, read a lot, worked on myself and emerged whole and a lot better off, and happier, than I would have been still married to the ex.

[caring guy]

Curmudgeon i live like a monk now, i see no way forward, i never saw many of my friends whilst with someone & neglected them & now i feel i can't just go running back to them, they're all barfly's anyway. But i still think i'll be alone, just like i did before, but i met someone else.

Sh*t why am i saying this & not listening to myself!!!

I think depression is inevitable when a relationship ends, & helaing is needed. I see others & it angers me sometimes, feel i should be there!

I dwell, get upset, act a bit silly, especially after a couple glasses of wine! I guess time is the answer & working on your body is good & makes you feel better emotionaly, but that will come in time, when to start this!

cg

[dgiirl]

Caring guy, i felt the same way. I neglected my friends too. You know what I learned tho, they were ALWAYS my friends. Even tho we didnt keep in touch like we use to, they've always been there and always will be. They stood by me and are there for me any time. (Which reminds me, i should give them a call). It's hard right now, cos they live so far away, but it's like I never left them. I met up with them for New Years and one of the guys called me "The missing link". That just warmed my heart completely! If they are really your friends, they'll accept you back with no regrets. In fact, they'll probably love it!! Give them a call and hook up. It doesnt hurt to ask AND it'll help you with your depression. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you really turn your back on your friend??

[caring guy]

Hi dgiirl (princess leah)

I know what your saying,i just feel that i ian=ve nobody close to open up to like i do here, most the people, as i say i would see in the pub & nobody wants to hear about my losses, anxiety, depression & be put upon.

All i know is that whenever i want to see them, i need to call them, nobody ever calls me.

If i was dead, they wouldn't know!

I can go to the pub, see them, but the fact that they all contact each other, they all know i'm depressed & i get nothing, so fu*k them.

Maybe i need to start again & meet people at AA & maybe dating websites or something, i just feel no closeness with the guys & girls i've known years but arent friends, just associates!

I concentrated on my relationships & neglected them all, but they weren't friends anyway!

cg