BlahBlahQueen Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Well, not exactly. I have this male friend. We'll call him Dirk. Excellent friend. We go places together sometimes. My boyfriend is aware of it and perfectly comfortable with it. Thing is, Dirk just confessed to me during an email conversation that he's catching feelings for me. This is shocking and disturbing. I do not want to lose my friendship with him in the slightest... I love hanging out with him and we always have a blast together. But how can I casually hang around knowing that while we're talking about, say, the sociological effects of pop culture, he's secretly thinking of running off into the sunset with me? And as I've stated before, I tend very strongly toward emotional infidelity. This could potentially f*** things up for me and my bf if I were to somehow fall into Dirk, and I want to do my relationship right. Let me make clear that I am not romantically interested in Dirk whatsoever, at least not right now. But he is one of my very best friends. I love him to death. How should I approach this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 You just tell him that you have a bf and you are flattered but you can only be friends with him nothing more!! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 You're going to have to cool the friendship somewhat. Don't do stuff or go places alone with him - just see him when there are going to be other people around. Don't have long conversations on the phone with him, etc.... That will be better for him too. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Hmmmm you're going to find this very difficult to deal with. Although you can reinforce this situation to Dirk, he's not likely to just forget these feelings, and you can't be sure that he'll be completely honest with you about where he is with them. He may claim to be fine, when he is not, simply so that he can continue to spend time with you. However, I don't think that's the be all, and end all. You won't be getting in an EA unless you start emtionally relying on him for more than you are now. Provided it's just friends now, then unless you start pondering on his feelings and starting to think about him in a different way, then surely you aren't having an EA? If you think this news will change your feelings towards Dirk and you are not willing to explore that, and want to ensure your current relationship... then I think the only way to do so will be to cut contact with Dirk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 However, I don't think that's the be all, and end all. You won't be getting in an EA unless you start emtionally relying on him for more than you are now. Provided it's just friends now, then unless you start pondering on his feelings and starting to think about him in a different way, then surely you aren't having an EA? No, nothing of the sort is going on, but there's always the fear that it could become that way. It's in my nature. It's like putting a compulsive male adulterer in an all-girl-college dormitory. Thanks for the advice, but do you think I should cut contact immediately, or if/when I see something askew in my own thoughts? By then, would it be too late? And also, would it be fair to Dirk to maintain a close friendship with him, knowing that he has feelings for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 You should immediately tell your b/f what happened so that he (your b/f) is on notice. Or dump one of them. As to Dirk, it is unlikely that you telling him no way but still hanging out with him will cool him down -- he is likely to interpret your words as less significant than your actions (hanging around him). FYI, I at least have no interest in dating girls who hang out with male friends that clearly have an interest in them (above and beyond the standard "interest" that most men have for their female friends) -- it's cheating in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 What's the question? You've answered it yourself. You just don't want to do it. I've been in the same situation and I had a childish temper tantrum about the whole thing. I didn't WANT to lose my friend, but I had to cool it off with him. He got resentful, started being a little passive aggressive bytch, etc. And yes, it would be horribly unfair to him. CAn you imagine how you would feel? Ick. Just explain that he needs to cool off and take some time. No need to cut it off like a cancerous mole or anything. More like ease it off. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Totally agree with blind that you should call it quits before you do something you will regret..You are getting an emotional connection and this can be bad for your relationship..Why not go out with your bf like your guy friend instead? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 No, nothing of the sort is going on, but there's always the fear that it could become that way. It's in my nature. It's like putting a compulsive male adulterer in an all-girl-college dormitory. Thanks for the advice, but do you think I should cut contact immediately, or if/when I see something askew in my own thoughts? By then, would it be too late? And also, would it be fair to Dirk to maintain a close friendship with him, knowing that he has feelings for me? So if it's in your nature, then you know what you need to do. I think you have to reduce contact now. Explain to your bf what happened and why you are taking the action you are. This avoids any questions later on, and any issues later on. Then explain to Dirk that although you care about him greatly as a friend, you do not wish to explore a relationship with him, and that for your own sake and his, you are going to reduce contact. This allows him to get over it, and you to concentrate on your relationship rather than be dragged into an EA. Harsh? Sure, but doing the best for your relationship sometimes is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Thank you for the advice, people. Will do. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Good advice here I think. Keep us posted I would be very interested to hear how this plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
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