Why hasn`t he told her about me?

[turningsoft]

This seems like a no- brainer, I know, but I am a pretty smart cookie and it isn`t that easy. I have been seeing my BF pretty seriously for 2 months. I actually went out of state to meet his family and friends. I am with him almost every night and know that he is at work when he says he is.( he car pools with his boss to the job sites.)

The week of our first date which we split the bill and didn`t even kiss, he actually had sex with his ex, from whom he had seperated from 6 mths prior, a day after our first date and 2 days before our next! Two weeks into being serious with me he told me. Since it was a getting to know you date, I let it go, and was glad he told me sooner than later.

However, although I do not mind friendship with exs ( I am good friends with both of my 2 serious ones), I do have a problem.

She has not been told that he has a GF! He talks to her when she calls, seems to be mostly from her effort, and hasn`t mentioned that he has a GF. I asked him why not, he said that although he knows it is over and he has no desire to get back together with her, he thinks it is only right to tell her in person.

He has already had a GF between her and me in which GF#1 met #2.

SO why would he have to break it to her so easily?

My gut tells me he is not cheating, he talks about cheating in a disgusted way, like he is really against those that do it. I have told him that it really bothers me that he is not telling her that I am a part of his life and he says to drop it. He says that he has already told me his reasons and that they are not good enough. So I want them to hurry up and hang out ( how weird is that?) so he can get the last of his things and *By the way- I got a GF*- to her.

He only seems to be talking to her once a week at most and he isn`t online at work or home right now, so I know there isn`t a secret email thing going on.

In one breath he says it is none of her biz and another time he says he thinks she has false hopes. All he has to do is say, * oh yeah this weekend this girl I have been seeing and me did this*. Why hasnt he???

I am not willing to give him an ultimatum because I don`t want to lose him. I used to be so tough, but he seems worth it. Help- I am a total puss.

[d'Arthez]

As an aside, it is not true that cheaters take a more relaxed attitude towards cheating - in fact it may be even that they take a "holier than thou" attitude. A sort of cognitive compensation for their own sub-standard behavior.

 

As for not telling - grab the phone, and tell her yourself, if he is not willing to do so. There is no reason why not to tell.

 

* But it will hurt her! --> And hiding the truth is less hurtful once you find out, and have had false hopes raised (which is possible)? And what if she finds out through a mutual friend, or because you answer the phone?

 

* I want to tell her in person --> But then there is no reason to not bring you along - and if there is, that is suspicious. And if he wants to tell her in person, invite her over to meet up (the three of you). What is so hard about that?

 

* I am conflicted (as she according to him may have hope) --> And not resolving the conflict and doubts does not mean they will magically go away. Tell her, she will survive.

 

What are your bf and her talking about? Rumor has it that if you have a gf, you are supposed to spend time with said gf! If this ex is asking what he did do on Friday night, the following happens. Say you and your bf went to the cinema. He would have to make a conscious and deliberate effort not to mention you - which is not inconsistent with the being conflicted. Or is the Football Season the only thing they talk about?

 

Something is not right.

[turningsoft]

Thanx for that. I agree. I know her Myspace and if I wanted to be Psycho I could easily email her or * befriend* her on there. I guess I am avoiding the super crazy GF route just yet. Also if I did that they might have a good laugh on my behalf so...

I told him that same thing, that he must be going out of his way to NOT mention me if they have talked about anything he has done in the past 2 months. She has told him this whole story about some guy that is stringing her along that lives out of state, so why can`t he relate that he to has been seeing someone, but that it is going well?

I keep telling him something isn`t right about it, but after the two night blow outs we had this weekend, I think I need to let it ride for a while. If he does finally *hang out* with her he better tell her. I think I would be ready at that point to walk if he doesn`t. Problem is, if he keeps blowing her off, (she has asked him to hang out several times) when is this magical encounter ever going to happen?

My friend gave me a good tip I am waiting to use.She said next time he takes her call in front of me, which he does from time to time, to loudly near the phone say..*Honey What do u want for dinner, or where are the condoms..haha.. or do u want your things in the dryer* some couple-ly thing where she would have to go...*who is that?* then I could just watch him respond.

He only has a cell phone, and generally speaking you don`t really answer someones cell, but if I saw it was her and he was in the shower I totally would!

[witabix]

Sounds a little off to me also.

 

I can't think of a good reason to not mention to an ex that you have a new gf, particularly since you are the second one.

 

Put a little gentle pressure to find out what is going on. I wouldn't advise contacting her, yet any way, I would advise reading the signals a little longer. Maybe a few weeks/dates.

 

I know this kind of situation can be a real mind f***. Be careful that you don't just ignore this. You deserve to be put fully and unequivocally in the picture.

 

Keeping people apart andor not telling one about the other is suspicious, IMO.

[turningsoft]

I actually have dropped it for now. I was so pissed about it, it was consuming me. Thanx for your tips. I think if she calls in front of me i will drop the LOUD HEY HONEY * ASK QUESTION HERE*? to get a "who is that" response.

I would like a guys opinion too- I think he just does it to keep me on my toes. He has a PSY degree he doesn't use for a career.

Whatever! I guess.

[d'Arthez]

He has a PSY degree, yet does not understand how damaging it is for your relationship? This is suspicious. It is like a surgeon who cannot differentiate between male and female patients, even when on the table.

 

Something is not right, or you are with someone who takes pleasure in keeping you on your toes. Which is also not the healthiest thing for you.

 

It seems more and more that this is a deliberate attempt to keep the two of you unawares of each other's existence, or at least the depth of the relationships, between him and each of the two women.

 

Definitely use the loud voice, if she calls.

[cygny]

hmmm...sounds to me like he wants to keep stringing her along.

 

there is no reason for him still having things at her place or to hide you from her.

 

maybe he's waiting to see if you 'work out'?

 

if I were you, i'd take a giant step backward.