Do any of these stories of 'Will he ever propose?" come out well?

[Lotsofquestions]

Hi Folks,

 

My boyfriend and I are coming up on our two year anniversary. We live together and share finances and life completely.

 

Good things

-He is responsable and hard-working.

-He is generous with his time and money.

-He is romantic and constantly tells me that he loves me.

-He is handsome and smart and together.

-He is a father to my child from a previous relationship...not just the easy stuff

-He says that we make his house a home and that he is happy.

-He has made me beneficiary on his life insurance, health insurance, retirement, given me jewelry, clothes, romantic dates, vacations, a car, pays my bills and has given me a cash card from his checking account.

-We have fun together and make love...a lot.

-I am the only person that he has even wanted to have a child with

-I am very very much in love with him

 

Bad things

-He has had two failed marriages. One was to someone that he has a healthy friendship with. The other he was viscously screwed over.

-His mother hates me. He said once that after a bad run in with her (that he says was all her fault and my behavior was above reproach), that if we got engaged it would be "a slap in her face."

-Before we moved in (and that adjustment period) he used to mention marriage and joke about it being inevitable...then it stopped.

-His X girlfriend told me that he had commitment issues.

 

The Conflict about the Marriage Thing

-I start feeling used since he has mentioned that marriage is scary since one, "locks in and loses possibilities"....yet he really wants and tries to get me pregnant. This terrifies me since he is not 'willing' to marry me.

 

-I will cycle through believing him thinking that he is just working through his issues since it is 'not personal'. Then I will start thinking "How can it not be personal?" "why won't he marry me?" "Why doesn't he want me?" "Why does he want to knock me up and not respect me enough to marry me?"

 

The Unusual Twist

-Many woman want marriage and a family. He really wants to have a baby with me. He mentions that his stance on this IS inconsistant.

 

I think that marriage is what you make it and babies are forever.

 

A Strange Development

 

-We had another blow-out over this which had an interesting break-through. Since I started saying that I should pack up myself and our girl and go away for some months so he could figure this out (and also so I wouldn't get pregnant which would make me very unhappy in this situation). He knows that I would do this since I have many friends and relatives out of the country and have traveled extensively.

 

He said, "If what I have to do to keep you here is to Marry you then I will do it."

 

I said, "That's not good enough since I only want to if YOU want to. And what I can't figure out is why you don't want to."

 

He also said that he is moving towards this more and more over time. When I say that 'You don't want to marry me' he now says thats not true.

 

When I ask "Why don't you want me?" He was very angry and said that it was unfair and he did want me.

 

He says that he doesn't want to rush into things but it has been two years!

 

He also complains that I don't give him credit for day to day commitment and trying to work towards this.

 

Am I ridiculous to insist on him WANTING to marry me and not just the act of marrying me?

Do you think a man would say he was moving toward the idea and mean it?

Why would someone want to make the lifelong commitment of having a child together and still balk at marriage?

Does this sound like a guy who will propose?

Do you think that he could be a very clever player that will say anything to keep me around except commit?

 

Thanks for any feedback.

I am frightened of being hurt and being in a situation alone with two children.

[bluechocolate]

Personally I don't think marriage is that important, but if it is for you, then it is.

 

I don't think you should get pregnant by him until you are married. That kinda sounds like blackmail, which is not what I mean at all. Just that if this is one of your boundaries,

 

....yet he really wants and tries to get me pregnant. This terrifies me since he is not 'willing' to marry me.

 

then don't cross it. Get some birth control.

 

His mother hates me. He said once that after a bad run in with her (that he says was all her fault and my behavior was above reproach), that if we got engaged it would be "a slap in her face."

 

That I find troubling. He's worried about his mother's reaction if he gets engaged to you?

 

Somehow you're going to have to find it in yourself to stop badgering him about this. Maybe just dropping the subject entirely will surprise him.

[penkitten]

if he wants to purpose, he will do it on his own.

 

no amount of pressure is going to make it easier since he already went thru 2 unhappy marriages that resulted in divorce. you change and it takes a bit to decide if you want to marry again.

 

blackmailing him to marry you by saying you are leaving isnt fair either.

 

if i were in your shoes , i would start living and planning for myself.

call your family and friends you want to visit, and make the plans.

then let him know you made plans to go away to visit and have a vacation.

do not fight or act angry or say it is because he wont marry you.

when he asks why, you say "its time for me to take a break , cut loose and re evaluate myself."

when he asks if when you are coming back tell him when you plan to return and not to worry you will be home and that you will call once a day or night at a certain time.

 

go have a blast, cut loose and no worries about getting married.

when you talk to him, make it short and sweet. say you had fun doing such and such today and that you are tired and miss him and going to jump in the shower now. no more than ten min or so and no more than once a day.

ask him how he is and tell him you cant wait to get home by the last day of your trip.

 

after all this, if he honestly wants to get married right now at this point in his life, he will ask you when you get home because he would have tasted life without you for a while.

 

if he doesnt ask, dont fight about it. just accept it, and decide if you want to stay with him and make things work, or if you want to pursue other interests since he isnt interested in "marriage."

 

 

** i went thru these battles as a younger adult, and i wish i knew back then what i do now.

[Thea]

Saying that you will remove yourself and your child from the country is blackmail - pure and simple. Remember that not only would you lose each other but your child would lose the only father she has known.

 

If marriage is so important to you that you would prefer to let him go rather than do without it then that is your decision. But don't make your child suffer because of it.

 

He is not using you if you have all the advantages that you mention - far from it. Remember that you are the one who wants to change the status quo. If you wanted all that you have plus marriage perhaps you should have told him that before you moved in with him and took all the advantages that you have. And before you allowed him and your daughter to form such a close bond.

 

Remember that this relationship is not just about what you want - there are three people to consider here.

[ou812]

Ah yes its difficult with children . I know.

I have NO answers for you - as i am in the same boat.

But i did get advice on reading this book - why men love bitches.

The title is horrible - i know - but it really has helped.

its basically about focusing on yourself.

Keep us updated on your situation.....

[rude dude]

I’m in the same situation as your boyfriend. Here are MY THOUGHTS. I am very committed to my girlfriend and would love to have a kid with her, live with her and all that. Those are all physical things that we would share. Marriage, really does not change anything, it’s only a mental gratification. I don’t NEED to be married. I’m not saying it’s not important……but

 

I never understood how women can be so contingent on this. How can marriage be MORE important than the relationship itself? If you love him enough to even consider a life and a child with him, how can some silly paper work stop you? I think you want a ring and a tuxedo more than you want a committed life partner; which you pretty much already have. I’m not saying marriage not important to you, I know it is, but I’m sure he’s just scared. He DOES love you.

 

Marriage is scary for a lot of men, divorce is even scarier. To him marriage is just a signature on the dotted line and he’s thinking, “if she is willing to toss me aside and have kids with another man because of some PAPERWORK, she’ll leave me for a ton of reasons.” NOT VERY INTICING from his prospective.

He loves you……..just love him back.

[littlekitty]

Firstly trying to get him to marry you with an ultimatum may eventually work, but it will be because you forced him, not because he was ready and wanted to. Is that what you really want?

 

The guy has 2 failed marriages behind him. Once bitten, twice shy. You must understand that he is probably very very hesitant over becoming married again, and probably just wants to be 100% sure in his head that he's doing the right thing. But you have to let him get there by himself. The only thing you can do to help him get there, is support him, and show him just how wonderful you are.

 

My so had left his exgf and son a few months before I met him (although it was over long before hand), however I've had to be patient and wait for him to decide to move in with me. I asked him and he agreed it was something he wanted to do, but explained that having been bitten once, he was a little worried about jumping staight into something and wanted to take him time. He's taken his time, and told me yesterday that he can't wait to move in and that my place now feels more like home than his own place does. I was patient and I simply showed him how great it would be living with me. He came around in his own time and now I know he's moving in because HE wants to, and not because I've pestered him to do it!

 

With regards to the pregnancy. You have to decide if you really want to get pregnant outside marriage. If you don't use protection, and explain to him that just like he' not sure about marriage, you aren't sure about pregnancy outside marriage and you're not ready yet. He will have to accept that, just as you have to accept the lack of his desire to marry right now.

 

Who knows perhaps you or he will eventually change your mind. It sounds like you have a great relationship, is marriage really that important to you? Right now?

[penkitten]

men are not scared of marriage

men are scared of divorce!

[cygny]

this situation is not making you comfortable. i don't blame you at all for not wanting to be a mom of two without marriage. it's terribly difficult and very expensive. it is not a great set of circumstances to be in.

 

marriage is more than a piece of paper. it is the rational and thought-through and legal commitment that you will see it through, as much as possible, or be responsible for the consequences by sharing the financial burden/assets and the childcare responsibilities if it doesn't work. without marriage you have none of that. little to no legal protection. personally, i wouldn't trust a man that has a problem with getting married. the fact that he mentioned it favorably and then reneged once you moved in would lead me to trust him less. the thing about his mom even less. the fact he has two failed marriages already even less.

 

it may be appropriate for you to leave, but i would not threaten him. you have every right in the world to live your own life and to seek marriage if that is what you want. it's fine to go on a trip, but leaving him should be done without fighting or hassling him. if he doesn't want to get married, just respect his decision and leave. he has every right to not want to marry but then he should not be stringing you along, he should be upfront. two years is long enough, you are both adults who know each other well and by your account seem to get on well. leaving him will force his hand and help him to decide what he wants. it will give him clarity-- just don't badger him and damage your relationship.

[genegri]

lotsofquestions, I was in the same position as you are. My bf wanted to have a child with me but not marriage.

 

I used to feel the same way as you do and thought marriage was important to me, but now after my son was born he became the most important person in my life. I think seriously being married or not makes very little difference except now my son has my last name and I actually like it that way.

[Lotsofquestions]

I first off want to say Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

 

I have been swamped with work and other stuff in life...I just want to touch on some stuff that folks have said and asked.

 

My SO is not the only father my daughter has known. Her biological father is in the picture but not as much or as solid. After some really rough times (bio dad has severe depression problems) everyone gets along really well. The four of us went out together to a sporting event our mutual friend was in.

 

If I left the country, it would not be blackmail because I would be doing it for myself. It tortures me to think that he thinks that I am good enough to breed but not good enough to wed. This conflict makes me feel unbalanced and obsessed. This is very different from my usual self and I don't like feeling this way.

 

I travel abroad for business and education. I have friends and relatives out of the country. In fact, I cut a trip short to be back with him over a year ago. When I think about leaving, my thoughts are not, "I'll show him!" Instead it is more about directing myself towards work and education for myself and my little one, and even more so to get away to clear my head and feel like myself.

 

FYI, I am also looking into counseling to get my thoughts worked out on this also.

 

About unsafe sex. Due to a medically condition I can not go on the pill.

 

And regardless of how stupid, I love having sex with him and I also want to have a baby with him.

 

Here is the added complication. We are both older so there is not indefinite time for these things.

 

Before he would tell me that it was very very unlikely that I would get pregnant since he once had a sperm test and it came out (no pun intended, well maybe ) that he had very low sperm count, motility etc. This seemed to be confirmed by the fact that we have not used birth control for a year and a half with no pregnancy.

 

Anyway, we go to a fertility clinic just to see what we are dealing with and all his sperm tests are great but there are white blood cells in his sperm. The advice is that if he takes a series of anti-biotics we will probably get pregnant. My SO thinks that he can just hold off and then we are ready he takes anti-biotics and we are good to go. The doctor says that we SHOULD start now since we are older and there might be other complications that they don't know about.

 

In my head, I wonder if I should let the marriage thing go. But I might carry the resentment of this, maybe. Or this might screw me and the kid/s later on if he leaves or dies or is incapacitated....I know this sounds gruesome but I have had enough hardship to really stop and think about how to take care of myself and my family (this includes him)

 

If we wait until her figures out the marriage thing, it might be impossible to have children. Also , I really don't want to be pregnant and getting married. Is the big thing to do...is for me to have faith and give in so we can have children. Children have a deadline though marriage does not...

 

Good point about Men being afraid of divorce not marriage.

 

As I am being a typing fiend here I need to restate how amazing this man is and how I completely adore him. He is sweet, kind, strong, smart, mature, hot!, and really really funny. If we broke up (married or not) it would damage us all for the rest of our lives..

 

Damn! I really have to go right now with any editing.....later

[Lotsofquestions]

Each time I read these responses I get something else out of them.

 

For example, RUDE DUDE is saying that it seems petty to want 'the piece of paper' and disregard all the the great things that are real. My Man has said similar things about this. That the focus on marriage lessens that real day to day love and dedication that he gives.

 

But the reality is that marriage is more than a piece of paper. If you ask any Gay folks they will tell you about the hundreds of benefits that married folks get that unmarried folks don't get.

 

Just one example is that if something happens to one of us the other would either not get many posesions but even if they are 'willed' then the partner needs to pay taxes on them. When kids are involved in this scenario (especially during pregnancy or when the children are young) it means that not only are you dealing with the loss of your Love and your Partner; you might also lose your house, your posessions, and gain possible legal conflict with your partner's family...All while trying to take care of young children.

 

For my Man , I know that he would never want to put us in that situation and vice-versa.

 

Another is that since we are unmarried, if something ever happened to me; he would have no standing legally with our girl since he is not her biological father. After losing me, he would be devastated if he couldn't father our girl any more. She has two daddies but my partner is who she really depends on.

 

It is tough since his heart is so good but he is in a situation of having a wife without of the leap of faith. I do think that he is moving in this direction though. He brought up the subject a few times recently.

 

He stated concerns about how we would budget the cost of a big wedding.

 

He asked if it was ok (if I would still feel good about things) if we started on having a baby when we are engaged. Should I feel ok about this? Is this where my trust needs to come in?

 

He said that we should get a will-writing program to draw up wills.

[BeFree]

It's time for you to stop asking strangers about your relationship with your man. He obivously loves you and wants the very best for your relationship. Go with this and enjoy this time in your life. It sounds like he is getting ready to ask you to spend the rest of your life with him. If you want a child with him, go for it. If not, don't. Enjoy your relationship and do as you and he see fit. No one here knows him as you do. Trust your instincts and trust that he loves you.