Girlfriend has electra complex

[jjccbb]

Okay, here's the beef...

 

My girlfriend, who I adore, has just lost her father to a sudden heart attack. I kind of came along at the same time (9 months ago). I now discover that she has a serious electra complex regarding her father. I always knew she was especially close to him and adored him - it always seemed like she was *in love* with him, rather than merely *loved* him. Now I discover she has recently been having erotic dreams about him.

 

The trouble, of course, is that I cannot win any minor battles against him - he became mythological on his death, and nothing I can do or say can ever knock him off his ivory tower (not that I would try).

 

No "jeez, she's screwy" responses please. I need to know if anyone else has dealt with this kind of stuff, and whether anything, other than time, can really help us (and me).

 

Thanks, JJ

[Ryan]

My girlfriend, who I adore, has just lost

her father to a sudden heart attack. I kind of came along at the same time (9 months ago). I now discover that she has a serious electra complex regarding her father. I always knew she was especially close to him and adored him - it always seemed like she was *in love* with him, rather than merely *loved* him. Now I discover she has recently been having erotic dreams about him. The trouble, of course, is that I cannot win any minor battles against him - he became mythological on his death, and nothing I can do or say can ever knock him off his ivory tower (not that I would try). No "jeez, she's screwy" responses please. I need to know if anyone else has dealt with this kind of stuff, and whether anything, other than time, can really help us (and me).

Woah there.....you seem to be throwing this label of "electra complex" (which is an outdated and vague term) out too quickly. If she was close with her father and had a healthy relationship with him, she could be having quite a whirlwind of feelings and emotions about losing him. These "erotic dreams" are just that....dreams. It's difficult to interpret dreams and a bit foolish to take them at face value. I find it interesting that you even mention you can't "win any battles" against him, "not that I would try." Then why bring it up? Perhaps she had a very close and loving relationship with her father, a person she looked up to. Why try to take that away from her? Why does his position in her life threaten you? Is there more about this you aren't making known? I will agree that it is not exactly healthy to have grand idealizations about people, but you aren't giving me any information to suggest her father was inappropriate in raising her. Unless there was some past trauma, neglect, or abuse between her and her father, I'd say she isn't the one with the complex.

[JJ]

Woah there.....you seem to be throwing this

label of "electra complex" (which is an outdated and vague term) out too quickly.

Fine, apologies.

If she was close with her father and had a healthy relationship with him, she could be having quite a whirlwind of feelings and emotions about losing him. These "erotic dreams" are just that....dreams. It's difficult to interpret dreams and a bit foolish to take them at face value.

Which is what I needed to hear.

I find it interesting that you even mention you can't "win any battles" against him, "not that I would try." Then why bring it up?

It has always been my understanding that "cutting the apron strings" is a natural and healthy part of maturing. That as part of the process of developing a loving, sharing relationship certain feelings would over time be transferred from parent to lover. All lovers 'win battles' against their in-laws. I don't mean arguments, or stand-offs; I mean things which gradually help that transfer along, things which show that I (as lover) am taking and can take parts of the responsibility for living life which had hitherto been a part of the father/daughter relationship(being there to repair a leaky fawcet, reaching things down from high cupboards, I don't know, but you get my gist).

Perhaps she had a very close and loving relationship with her father, a person she looked up to. Why try to take that away from her?

Indeed she did, and I would never presume to try.

Why does his position in her life threaten you?

It doesn't. It merely concerns me that I don't know what to do under the circumstances. I have been there for her, supporting her through her grief (I have lost in a similar way, and know what you don't want to hear, and when you simply want a shoulder to cry or lean on).

 

There _is_ one other thing which I left out: she had a three-year affair with a close friend of her father, (same age as him: early-50s, I am the same age as her: mid-20s) a man who is still very present in her life in his support to her mother, and to her. The relationship is _very_ secret - it would rip the family apart if they knew. So yes, I _am_ threatened, but largely by the omnipresence of the ex-boyfriend, and the feelings for her father she admits that she transferred to him then.

 

I guess my paranoia is that she has transferred some feelings from her father to me during the grieving process (whilst already close, the relationship became very "whirlwind" in the space of a week or two after the funeral) and that the instant I can't live up to her father (which I am sure to do, since he is now cast in a perfect light), I will be dropped from her life. She means too much to me to allow that to happen. I'm feeling around in the dark for a "right" reaction to the things she is now telling me about her feelings for her father.

I'd say she isn't the one with the complex.

Thanks! Ask for advice, get abuse. No seriously, your comments are appreciated.

[Ryan]

There _is_ one other thing which I left out:

she had a three-year affair with a close friend of her father, (same age as him: early-50s, I am the same age as her: mid-20s) a man who is still very present in her life in his support to her mother, and to her. The relationship is _very_ secret - it would rip the family apart if they knew. So yes, I _am_ threatened, but largely by the omnipresence of the ex-boyfriend, and the feelings for her father she admits that she transferred to him then.

Well then...the other shoe drops. This is CLEARLY a sign that there is something up with her. Having that kind of relationship is a HUGE boundary problem. I don't know what kind of environment she came from, but there's much more to this story than just this hidden affair. You've gotten yourself into quite a situation here, and it's sounding a bit like you are trying to "fix" her. That's just not going to work and makes for a very unstable basis of a relationship. She's got some SERIOUS issues spinning around her...not to mention this chaos. I don't know if you are aware or can even find out the truth about her past, but there's a lot there, I'm sure. The thing is, she's going to need some help dealing with all of this and you aren't in any position to really do that. This is really more than we can handle in this forum. All I can tell you is to take a good look at who she really is.

[JJ]

Having that kind of relationship is a HUGE

boundary problem. I don't know what kind of environment she came from, but there's much more to this story than just this hidden affair.

Like what? I'm refusing to think too hard about it, cos I don't like any of the outcomes. Hearing some off the wall thoughts from another might help me sort this out (I recognise you don't know the full story, but even if we were playing a numbers game: what are the sorts of things you meant by this?).

You've gotten yourself into quite a situation here, and it's sounding a bit like you are trying to "fix" her.

No I'm not, but I know what you mean.

she's going to need some help dealing with all of this and you aren't in any position to really do that.

Which is why I have been helping her get counselling, firstly bereavement and then other forms. I don't want to 'fix' her, but I do want to be with her.

 

JJ