What's the deal with the FWB situations???

[Butterflying]

I am 26 years old. Had 3 long-term relationships in my lifetime. Still single. Never married. No children. And I'm lonely.

 

Lately, I've met several men who are really great friends. But I'm not really sexually attracted to them. However, when I express this, they either stop being my friend, or pressure me to have sex with them. I find myself having sex with these men just to keep them in my life as friends. So they are FWBs.

 

I know I have a lot to offer. I'm independent and own my house, a car, and have a great job. I've graduated college with honors. So what is going on?

 

Why can't men be my friend without sexual contact? Otherwise, if they want sexual contact, WHY WON'T THEY JUST COMMITT TO BEING MY BOYFRIEND?

 

I just don't get it !!!!!

[Gator762]

Well, you just gotta understand with men, there is a strong instinctual urge to have sex. It's how we're wired, to reproduce. Sure there are exceptions out there, but that's just how most of us men are.

 

Generally speaking, there are a bunch of compromises made being friends with member of the opposite sex. Men and women generally speaking have different ideas of spending free time. Once any hope of sex is extinguished, you'll find most men heading off to hang out with their guy friends, doing guy stuff.

 

Step outside of your own perspective to try to see it. Imagine you are your friend.

Once the other person expresses that they like you as a friend, but are not sexually interested in you, would you want to make them your girlfriend?

[Butterflying]

Once the other person expresses that they like you as a friend, but are not sexually interested in you, would you want to make them your girlfriend?

Of course not. But I would still be a friend. I'm just so frustrated by this because it seems that every man who meets me, wants to have sex with me. Sometimes I'm equally attracted. But I want a more loving relationship than FWB. Guys never tell me they only want friendship.

 

Instead they say, "I'm not ready for a commitment, but we can just screw around and see what happens." I tell them that I'm only interested in friendship without sex. Then they never speak to me again.

 

If I'm willing to be friends with men who don't feel romantically attracted to me, eventhough I may be romantically attracted to them, why can't men be friends with me?

[Guest1/25]

If you tell a guy you really like him, but only give it up for someone that cares for you...

You'll soon have him trying to prove how much he cares.

 

But if you give it up to anyone who befriends you, no guy will try to be your one and only.

[Milo]

Well, any man who will not be friends with you without having sex with you is a waste of time. Dump their asses on principle. I mean, WTF is up with that? Meet some friends who actually have common interests with you and you can enjoy those interests. As for a boyfriend, try to meet someone who is a little more appreciative of what they are getting.

[Curmudgeon]

I find myself having sex with these men just to keep them in my life as friends. Otherwise, if they want sexual contact, WHY WON'T THEY JUST COMMITT TO BEING MY BOYFRIEND?

 

Perhaps they're only either looking for sex without commitment or for someone who wants commitment before sex for a long-term relationship.

 

Unfortunately they're probably not seeing you as a friend as much as they are a useful and available commodity.

 

I think the real answer is that you're selling yourself too cheaply. Consequently you're not attracting a real high caliber of customers.

[cal gal]

Maybe all you need to do is clarify what your wants and needs might be.

 

Men are so upfront and easy to figure out if you just ask!

 

Don't play the games - just be honest about what you want - friendship, boyfriend, or sex buddy... lay it out there!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Ok, so maybe I haven't been dating much. But I cannot believe that you have to sleep with men just to get their "friendship". Why would the discussion of sex come up even? Where do you meet these men? Maybe you can try to meet husband material in your favorite hobby or class? Also, don't count on your IQ being an asset to dating men. I am a smart girl myself, and I find that men tend to avoid smart girls. I am not saying that you should play dumb, but don't announce your book smarts so early.

I agree with the posters here. If they are only interested in having sex with you, then they are not your friends to begin with. So there is nothing to be gained by having sex with these men. They are scums anyway.

[Butterflying]

Ok, so maybe I haven't been dating much. But I cannot believe that you have to sleep with men just to get their "friendship". Why would the discussion of sex come up even? Where do you meet these men? Maybe you can try to meet husband material in your favorite hobby or class?

I've met guys at basically every place I've ever been. I don't have any problems attracting men. I only have a problem keeping them. Actually, I usually keep them as long as I'm having sex with them, on their terms. That gets old. And they run as soon as I express my desire to have a meaningful relationship.

 

The sex thing ALWAYS comes up on the first date. The conversation will be fine. Each guy is different. Some guys have insist upon taking me back to their place after the date, or comming back to mine. Some guys just tell me upfront what they want to do to me sexually. Each time, I either accept, or decline the offers.

 

I've never had a date end without a sexual advances. Acutally, I was recently set up on a blind date by a co-worker. The date was terrible. We had nothing in common. He insulted me. I insulted him. We were walking out to our cars when the short date was over. The guy blurted out, "Hey look! We obviously don't get along. But I'm horny. Can we just f-ck for the hell of it. We're both adults and you already think I'm a jerk so what the hell."

 

I did it just because I wanted sex. If I had turned him down, I would have gone home with no sex, and no relationship. I find myself accepting some offers for sex because it's taking too long to find a good relationship.

 

If you tell a guy you really like him, but only give it up for someone that cares for you...

You'll soon have him trying to prove how much he cares.

I could abstain from sex until someone meaningful comes along. I've already done that. And you're right! The guy spent 8 months proving that he was the right man for me. We finally had sex. Five weeks later, I discovered him cheating on me with another woman. Then he blamed me by saying he needed someone to satisfy his sexual needs during the 8 months I'd kept him waiting. Can you imagine what that did to my self-esteem? Now I'm soooo frustrated because I don't know how to deal with this.

 

In the past two years, I've had 6 FWB's. My new year resolution was to end it with all of them. I started new and vowed, once again, not to have sex until there is a commitment. I've had 2 dates this year. The first guy wanted to take me home. I said no. He got upset. Now he's history. The second guy asked about my sexual preferences up front. I told him that I prefered to wait until marriage for sex, but a commitment was good enough. He accused me of using sex to manipulate a man into marrying me.

 

So now I'm right back to square one.

[Mary3]

You see, thats the problem with this FWB situation.

Guys have now figured out they don't have to date a girl, just ask for sex , no flowers or committment.

 

I hate to say it but we who have indulged in FWB are spoiling the men into no hassle sex. If you won't do it , someone else will...

 

This is a learned response. 20 years ago, you took the girl out and dated her and eventually you would get intimate.

 

Now days, guys will look for FWB material. Think about it. Sex and more sex and no comittment. I can't stress enough to be careful with STD's with these Lions in the Den.

 

If a woman wants sex then she's going to get sex. If she wants comittment , she has to hold back the sex to be sure that the man wants her for herself and not her love box.

 

You can erase all your FWB's and start over. But any man thats talking about sex on the first date , you can bet he's looking for that only.

 

A date should be focused on getting to know each other and after so many dates the girl decides shes ready. But if men have figured out that if you arent ready somebody else is....

 

Welcome to the new Millenium...

[eleanor]

okey...we almost have a similar problem here...but not the sex part too much...

my problems is more towards how all these guys just look at me as their friendly, kind hearted female-friend..not special girlfriend material..

So now i believe that we show people how are we from our attitudes and maybe dressings?

It's the matter of how others perceived us..

As for me, maybe i act a lil bit boyish...the way i talk, is almost like man...quite open..and independant..

that's why many guys comfortable to be friend with me..but they dont see the soft side of me that can make them fall for me...

Same goes for you..maybe because how you talk, how you dressed, if you smoke...then it will give some perception to people who look at you....not commenting how u behave..forgive me cos i didnt know u as a person..but u know urself very well..maybe there some areas about yourself that u can change...coz you know, guys wont talk about sex, until they see u, urself interested about it too...it takes two!!!dont be extra open ....try to talk about general things and more decent things..(but of course dont bored him) maybe someday u'll find someone who appreciate you for who you really are...

[Wintersbloom]

I noticed this topic on Ask Men’s forum. Men were laughing about and making jokes about woman who "brag" about having a FWB relationship. Comments were made about how "Sex in the City" or the idea of being "modern" led many woman to this no commitment sex. If we learn by experience, then maybe, many men are aware they can have intimacy without any commitment beyond friendship. But, the men who posted on that site stated that the "one" would not settle for anything less than a mutually exclusive relationship. They can respect a woman who respects herself.

[Mary3]

Once again , I dabbled into FWB and found it was not really for me.

 

There are women just like men who want only sex.

There are women who want more.

 

I think if someone suggested to me now to be my FWB I would say " No thanks, just friends ". Since it was new to me this FWB I gave it a try and found it isn't for me.

 

I think I stay single mostly because alot of men seem to just want sex and do give out a signal to me that they just want to sleep with me. Finding someone who wants more than that has proven difficult. Because I am more aware its harder for them to play games and do the hit and runs.

Mine actually occured because we ended our relationship and we kind of both suggested to keep the physical. That did not turn out so well...

 

I think if the women is just wanting sex she may be able to seperate her desires from her feelings but after awhile being intimate with the same person is going to possibly create feelings. Thus you have FWB problems.

 

Best way to avoid them is not to sleep with someone who does not want what you want.