Does Separating Work?

[ryan05]

My wife of 2 years, together for 10, has told me that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. Doesn't know if she still wants to be married.

We just bought a new house 1 year ago, and like I said married two years ago.

 

We found out just this last year that she might not be able to concieve a baby (we've been trying for 2 years now), and since has been acting like she wants to be single again, and concentrating more on her looks and going out to clubs and partying and basically leaving me on the sidelines.

 

She doesn't want couseling and she is now thinking about separating for 2 months to find out if she still wants to be with me or not. Our marriage ahs been through the ringer the past 4 months and I'm afraid I'm losing my wife. I'm lost and have no clue where I'm headed and defintely fear the worst.

 

Does separation usually end up in a divorce or does it actually work sometimes. I'm hoping it does because I still love my wife very much and want to works things out.

[trickynj99]

ryan

 

i'm married 15 yrs!..2 kids my wife says early last yr she doesnt love me anymore

 

the year was horrible...coldness, distance, quiet pain, just awful..

i moved out after XMAS>..

 

i learned 2 things.

 

i still want to be married, even if its for the kids first...

 

more importantly, its given me the chance to try to "woo" her back and get her to want to have me back..while in the house, we made zero progress..none

just one month out and i heard this week some little pet names i hadnt heard all year...sometimes i wonder whether i'm just letting her play a game out, but given the difficulty we've had, it seems much better now..so i will continue to push a little and try to help her remember why we got married in the first place

 

good luck

[Mz. Pixie]

If the person is separating to get their heads straight then yes.

 

If they are separating to go out and be single, then no.

 

There is a huge difference.

 

Out of all the couples I've known I've only ever heard of one who got back together after being separated and have made it last. During the separation neither of them were seeing anyone.

[trickynj99]

mz pixie..

 

for what its worth , our arrangement is trying to get our heads straight..

 

i'm not dating and i'm 95% sure she isnt.

 

i agree that dating is a huge destabilizer(is that a word?)

[fomerlyniceguy]

Ryan05 I am where you are only a couple of months ahead of you. Nothing to tell you other than I sympathize with you. Much like life I think it is 50/50. My wife said she just didn't want to be married anymore, not specifically to me just not married, period. Wanted to be on her own for a while. She keeps mentioning divorce but no action yet. I just keep trying to remember that somethings in life are out of my control. Either way you'll be ok though.

[GuySimple]

Separating works fine. But I think it is the getting back together part that you are wondering about. If that is the case, my advice is don't separate and work on it together while you still live together albeit maybe in separate rooms. Once either of you leave it is very hard to get back together in my opinion

[GuySimple]

If the person is separating to get their heads straight then yes.

 

If they are separating to go out and be single, then no.

 

There is a huge difference.

 

Out of all the couples I've known I've only ever heard of one who got back together after being separated and have made it last. During the separation neither of them were seeing anyone.

 

I don't know any. Separation usually brings out even more doubts about the other person. Such as trust, what they are doing at night etc etc.

[Curmudgeon]

if that's the true purpose of the separation. In other words, if both parties agree to step back, work on themselves and then work together a separation can be helpful.

 

The ex and I separated but she paid lip service to it, only. She never had any attention of getting back together. When that became clear I divorced her.

 

My current wife and I almost separated once for the reasons stated above and I firmly believe it would have had the desired effect of coming back together stronger. Thankfully, we didn't reach that stage after all.

 

If there's true honesty, fidelity and commitment I think it really can he helpful in some instances.

[h0pefull]

If you have a house big enough to sleep in another part its actually more uncomfotable. I tried that, not long but I tried. I'm on day two now of her being at a friends it sucks. I'm scared she'll like the other side as I call it. At this point there is nothing I cant do though but hope. As far as separation working your guess is good as mine, but I sure hope it does work.

 

heres my deal: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79380/

[rble618740]

I would like to help in any way possible. My husband and I separated after 9 months of marriage. We were separated for 2 1/2 months. We reconciled in August of 2004 and, so far, things have been really good since our separation. I would say things have been "great", but our separation was not a planned, mutually agreed upon arrangement. He got overwhelmed one day and moved out the next. That approach to separating left a deeper scar (and has required more healing) than the being apart or the fact that he felt we needed a separation. As some of you know, I make my experience with separation an open book on Loveshack because I hope that someone else can use it.

 

That being said, I think there may be something else with which you are contending. I know several women who may have toyed with the idea of NOT getting married except for their desire to have children. I don't know if that's bad...I just know it's honest. Maybe your wife was that same way and, now that it seems she may not be able to have children, she may be feeling that her biggest reason for getting married is no longer valid. She may be needing time to clear her head so that she can reevaluate what marriage means and provides. I don't think this is necessarily bad for you, and I certainly don't want to bring you any additional pain, but I wanted to raise it as a possibility. Maybe your wife's change of heart has nothing to do with you and just represents a need for her to redefine "marriage" for herself in light of the fact that it may not involve children. Just a thought.

[ryan05]

Thanks for the replies all, and rble618740, you have no idea how right you are. She even told me last night that she wanted children first and then marriage but I wanted it the other way around. And that was the only reason she wanted to get married. Now that she can't have children, this is happening. Plus she told me that the possibility of having children freaks her out right now. Complete 180 from what she wanted a year ago.

 

I am on day 1 of our separation. She left last night. The thing that gets me is I told her thats it is totally fine for her to get her space and clear her head, to take as long as she wants. The only thing I did ask was for us to be faithful to one another during this period, and she couldn't even promise me that. This is going to be a rough time period for me. Now I have images of my one and only hooking up with another man for her curiosity reasons. I can't believe this is happening really. Separating is one thing, but I don't know if I can handle this.

[blind_otter]

My exhusband and I were married 2 yeras, together for almost 4, when we separated. First we tried staying in different rooms. Ick. Then he moved into his own apartment.

 

Things got better for a while, but it didn't work out in the end. I don't know what to say. It was better, more exciting and different, when he moved out, but by then there was too much regret.

 

As time passed I saw even more clearly how we didn't look at the world from an even relateable point of view. It ended up emphasizing the distance and difference even more.

[ryan05]

Hey all,

 

Just wanted to tell you that my woman is one confused lady, I don't know what is going on in her head, and I don't know whether I should be mad, or sad, sympathetic or resentful.

 

...and here's why.

 

Its now day 2 of our seperation.

 

I got a whoppin 3 hours of sleep on the first night, just couldn't do it. I've told my closest friends and my family about my situation and they've been so good to me. They are all willling to help me to the umpth degree to get me through this. I've been trying to make plans for the next consective few days as to keep busy and so far I've got plans all the way to Monday.

 

Last night, I was alone in my very empty feeling house and just trying not to think about things so I don't break down and lose it. I constantly talk to myself trying to lift myself up trying to convince myself I'm a stronger person than you think and that I will get through this.

 

This morning, I get on the skytrain to get to work, ready to get going on this day and who do I see sitting in the last row of the train.....yup, there she is, my wife (she works literally blocks from me and goes to work at the same time I do so its good chance that this could happen).

 

So I tap her on the shoulder and say fancy meeting you here, and she looks up and is so suprised to see me. Then during the trip, we talk. I ask her how things are with her, and she says good. But I could see she's lying. The pain on her face is so telling. She said her parents are driving her nuts and she doesn't know how long she can stay there. I ask her where she plans on moving then, and she says she doesn't know.

 

So we continue talking and we eventually we make plans on going out for dinner on Saturday. I get to have a dinner date with her. I was really excited for Saturday know.

 

so anyways, talks continue, and then at the last stop we both get off. WE go to the place where we usually hug and kiss good bye and I give her a big hug. Then she whispers in my ear that she wants to come home, like, for good. She wants to work things out without separation.

 

Oh man, I was not expecting that. At all. Here I am, planning to be living alone for the next 2-3 months, gettting mentally prepared for the worst, and now, two days later, she's asking to come home. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT. Can someone please tell me what's going on. Why is she doing this to me.

 

So anyhow, I say that she can come home. I mean, I don't think I could've said anything other than that at that point. Did I make the right decision? I'm really confused now. Please help.

[trickynj99]

ryan

 

all the best...there is no answer to your question other than what do you want to do? and how do you think you can best get what you want.

 

i've been in an apt for a month and this saturday i get my date. so we'll see what happens in my situation.. but i'll hope for best and expect the worst.

 

the emptiness and pain of actually separating could be causing her to really get at what she wants or maybe its just her parents driving her nuts ---in the end it doesnt matter if you want to be with her long term and you want her back short term too then go for it.

 

now you have new knowledge and so does she.maybe it will bring you together

[redscorpionsc]

Ryan05,

You said you have been torn apart by your separation. You happen to run into your wife on the train, she accepts the date, and then ask you can she come home. And you are wondering what's going on in her mind!! Get serious man!!! That's your WIFE, she still loves you. Stop wondering about everything. You wanted her home, she's there. Now SHUT UP, and LOVE YOUR WIFE. Enjoy her, treat her like the queen she is, let her know that she still got it. Let her know how important she really is to you. Here's your second chance, don't blow it!!! Remember, LOVE YOUR WIFE, FOCUS ON YOUR WIFE NEEDS!!!!

[brokenherz]

I’m so jealous, I wish that would happen to me… : )

 

Good luck to you both.

[WindDrifter]

Contrary to RedScorpio I believe you also need to make more time for yourself mate. Spending some time apart let you clear your head as well.

 

Good Luck!

WD

[UnderWorld]

Since im only 20 but i have parents who recsently divorced but it was for the better and she cheated on my dad a billion times. Its better she breaks up w/ u and does her thing...which is selfish!!! Also maybe its something so ud notice her more or see what u would do.Kust act like u dont care because u cant convince her otherwise.

If u try to then u are gonna feel like u pushed it to happen. So she needs space!! id be furious bbut she'll realize that theres so many pigs out there and shes gonna miss that love she has w/ u. Even if she gets w/ someone else im sure they cant love her the way u do and she'll come back!

[ryan05]

Hey all,

 

Okay, updating you all on the situation.

 

I came home that night to an empty house after work when I was expecting my wife to be home. She didn't get home til about 11 o clock becasue she was at the bar with her work friends having drinks. She went to bed pretty much right away and we didn't talk about anything.

 

The next day however, I had to convince her to come home after work. This being after more drinks with her works friends, cuz she wanted to go out again after that, but I said no, we should go home and sort things out.

 

So it turns out that that one of the driving forces for her return was because her parents were drivin her nuts.

 

She's still uncertain she wants to be married to me...her quote was that she's 75% sure.As well she is still unwilling to even compramise on one of the big issues we have right now. She told me that she didn't really even have time to think about things when she was at her parents.

 

she got mad at me because I was asking her difficult questions like, "Why did you come home if you didn't figure anything out." or "How come you couldn't promise me to be faithful to me on our separation".

 

So basically, nothing has changed, other than the fact that I put myself through a wolrd of hurt for those two days.

 

We did have our date night on Saturday, had a really good time actually. But I think I'm kidding myself if things are now on the road back to recovery.

 

I'm thinking about removing myself from the situation for a couple weeks to give her the time she needs now. What a crazy week its been.