trickynj99 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 as i work thru all our issues, one real fundamental question keeps coming up in my mind... how do i reconcile my responsibility to myself vs. my responsibility to my kids.. our marraige drifted for yrs and now my wife is "not in love" ...there are sooo many stories on this board about that kind of situation...i've moved out temporarily and i'm hoping we get to some kind of happy ending at some point..i'm trying to be patient but having kids makes it much rougher.. anyway, what do people think about having an "arrangement" where we both know for the kids sake we'll stay together for a period of time...kind of seems like a fantasy that is doomed, but in my shoes, living in an apartment, only getting playtime with kids, seeing them suffer everytime they have to change where they are sleeping, i wonder about my responsibility to them.. as parents, we say things like "i would give my life for my child"...there is no doubt that i would if given that choice. well what about tying that back into the family situation..i'm not saying it's ideal, i'm saying why does it seem so frowned on to stay together for the kids... just wondering what people think about this issue Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Why are you subjecting yourself to only playtime with the kids??? You guys could work out a arrangement for joint custody. Half the time with you, half the time with her. I'm sorry, Tricky, but it seems to me that you're very tied up in having to live in an apt. I've seen a couple of posts like this where you reference living in the street etc. An Apartment is not exactly being homeless. Why did you move out and let her have the house in the first place? I think that if you think you can be happy living in the same house with her- but not having her- and knowing full well that she's sleeping with other men- just to be with your kids then that's what you should do. However, that's the way it will be. I personally believe that you can still be a damn good father not living in the same house with them all the time. My ex manages to do a pretty good job and we split custody. It takes work, but is this about what's easier? Link to post Share on other sites
Author trickynj99 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 mz pix... hey fancy chatting again!!..anyway.."out on the street" is just from the george thorogood song one bourbon/one scotch/one beer!!! just another way to say i moved out.. we havent signed any papers yet, and my apartment is quite small because as of today we still don't know what we are going to do..so to save money i'm about 3 miles away from home at this place. and when i say playtime i actually get a little bit of a bargain...we just do fun stuff and i'm not getting them off to school...i work, my wife doesnt by the way.... some of the things i'm questioning and bitter about is that i am really not wanting to leave, its my wife that wanted "time" and "space" but i left because i can't be home with the kids.... why? i don't know,,i wimped out and did it her way is all i can think...she has the cards, i still want the marraige to work and she's the one who isnt sure... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Okay, so what is she doing when you have the kids?? How do you know she isn't having an affair?? Just to let you know, usually when one partner tells the other "I don't love you anymore- I don't feel close to you- I need some space" it involves someone else. Do some research for yourself. I've seen it happen hundreds of times on here. I've seen very FEW who separate because of something besides another partner. Google exit affair and you'll see what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Okay, so what is she doing when you have the kids?? How do you know she isn't having an affair?? Just to let you know, usually when one partner tells the other "I don't love you anymore- I don't feel close to you- I need some space" it involves someone else. Do some research for yourself. I've seen it happen hundreds of times on here. I've seen very FEW who separate because of something besides another partner. Google exit affair and you'll see what I mean. Mine was because of an afair that I had a number of years ago and got smoothed over, so I thought. But I got the "I'm not in love with you" comment, which was added to the sometimes I really don't like you comment Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 ...anyway, what do people think about having an "arrangement" where we both know for the kids sake we'll stay together for a period of time...kind of seems like a fantasy that is doomed, but in my shoes, living in an apartment, only getting playtime with kids, seeing them suffer everytime they have to change where they are sleeping, i wonder about my responsibility to them.. Remember that children learn what they live. Ask yourself what lessons they'll take into their own, future relationships about love, respect, partnership, mutuality, relationship and marriage if they live in a loveless one in which the "partners" tolerate one another's company for their childrens' sakes. I'd be more interested in pursuing joint physical custody than play acting at a marriage that isn't anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 What is important for your kids to see is two happy parents whether they are together or apart. Kids do not do well when they are around sadness and anger so if that is what your marriage was you are better to parent them apart. You should concentrate on being a parent to them. You are in the same position as me. I have been separated a bit longer but everything else seems to be very much the same. I live in an apartment but my kids really like coming here. We share parent and each have the kids a week at a time. I seem to have a bit better relationship mostly becasue my W tried too hard to forget about the separation rather than deal with it. As a result the kids actually said to me that they wished mom would stop trying so hard to be a buddy. I sometimes say to my kids when they are down that yes it does suck to be in this situation how can we make it better going forward with the three of us, not four. The best thing you could do for your kids right now is to forget about getting back with your w and concentrate on being a single dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trickynj99 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 thnx for the feedback rationally - i am hearing all your points... in my current situation, there is alot of affection between my wife and I, over time i took that for granted and so did she and it was her that "fell out of love"...so from our kids standpoint...they didnt see alot of fighting although over the last year my wife was in a pretty sour mood... so now as guy said, i'm concentrating on being a great father..but i am hearing more and more from my kids how "mad" their mom is..(i also know they are master manipulators!!!!hehe)...and how they don't understand why their dad left...this is really tearing me up emotionally..i didnt want to leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i rationally know my best bet is to be actually push farther away from my wife..but so far i havent been able to do it..in fact, i can think of 2 times in the last 10 days where crap was going down at the house where i uses to live and i got the phone call to help fix it!!!!..both times i caved.... as far as custody, its always presumed the wife has the advantage its a real screwed up system because if i blow them off and things go downhill, she can use that to try to convince a judge she should have custody...if i cave, it plays into this crappy unfair dynamic we have going now... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Wrong, more and more fathers are getting joint custody today. I can't imagine why she wouldn't just give that to you if you ask for it, because why wouldn't she want you involved in their lives??? To me, it never dawned on me NOT to give it to the kids dad. Even when my attorney said it's never granted in my state, I told him to push for it anyway. Just because he wasn't a good husband for me didn't mean that he wasn't a good dad. Furthermore, if she really wants out of the marriage then you have the trump card. She will give in in matters she normally wouldn't. How do I know this??? Because that is what happened with me. I was desperate to get out and made concessions in areas I probably shouldn't have. She also needs to be told that you guys are separated now. She is the one who wanted you out and who wants to be on her own. That includes home issues as well. I believe GS also went through something similar during his early separation and he learned to put that back on her as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trickynj99 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 mz- thnx - actually i am all about your point on the custody.. i have talked to a lawyer and one of the things he advised me was that if i am out of the house too long, it will make it easier for my wife to get a divorce even if i am unwilling...also i don't think my wife would want to take the kids 100%, but i am very afraid that if it turns for the worse i don't know what could happen i respect your opinion and i hope hope hope you are right!!! but my lawyer says otherwise (and by the way, i know another lawyer casually and she said the same thing)... if it gets to the judge...the father is taking all the risks.. yes..fathers have rights and courts respect them..but you run the risk of mom being able to stay at home with kids, and dad losing rights and paying for everything..i'm not saying that's what always happens.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Oh, no I think you're right about that in some ways. Here is what I'm saying- the fact that she's wanting the divorce makes her want to get it over with as quick as possible. Before it goes to the judge to sign off on- you have your attorney draw up the papers- and you have her agree to what you want- before you guys start to fight about it. When I was ready to divorce my first husband, I had all the ducks in a row. I was like, you can have the house, the cars, I'll take my retirement and you take yours- you get the picture. He then used my wanting to get it over with as quick as possible to his advantage by getting me to back off things that he didn't want to give me. I had to decide whether I wanted to fight this for years or get it over with. I wanted to get it over with and move on with my life. Material things don't matter much to me. You can draw it out if you want to- and supoena everyone you think may have a clue as to why she wants a divorce. Make it seem easier on her if she signs what you're offering. For instance, say, "Are you ready to move forward with the divorce papers- here is what i'm thinking" Then, ask for what you want, nicely. At first. If she agrees get your atty to draw it up and have it signed. If she's seeing someone else she'll be more than eager to move on. If she doesn't agree then put some leverage on her. For instance- I'll have your work e mail checked, I'll supoena everyone at work, etc to get what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trickynj99 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 mz pix we are on the same page....i am not living with my family right now and it's not possible to describe in words how i feel about that (it's not good)...so when i express my feelings there is usually some negativity there... i continue to try to just live out each day, be nice when i deal with my wife, be a great dad, etc...but in the end i have learned by moving out that i am better off on the inside. i'm realistic about my chances though, and although i feel you are right that my wife would want our kids to be completely shared i have to prepare to negotiate to minimize the $$ cost and maximize my rights with the kids and your point about having the trump card is right on.. Link to post Share on other sites
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