Situation, someone want to point out what I did wrong? (Grab a cup of coffee)

[TheTallOne]

what do you want?

 

Peace, love.. and happiness, and a puppy.

 

I'll give you two scenarios.

 

 

 

1st. Nothing from her. No friendship now, maybe in the future.

 

 

2nd. To try it again.. now that we're on the same page.

[cygny]

for #1--tell her you don't want a relationship right now so she won't be wondering what the hell is going on with you.

 

for #2--you have to be ok with not dating others, --and drop all this non-exclusive BS talk-- and tell her this. tell her you don't want to date others and would like to date her but want to get to know each other slowly and see if you can build a relationship. ask her if she's interested. if she says not, say ok and go NC.

 

and be more considerate about returning phone calls. if you're in a relationship you shouldn't be avoiding each other. if she calls you too much, you'll have to say something to her about it, but if you are calling her like you should be and returning her calls, i bet she won't be so clingy. be a gentleman and treat her well. not like a jerk. but be fun, i can tell you are naturally feisty anyway.

[TheTallOne]

for #1--tell her you don't want a relationship right now so she won't be wondering what the hell is going on with you.

 

for #2--you have to be ok with not dating others, --and drop all this non-exclusive BS talk-- and tell her this. tell her you don't want to date others and would like to date her but want to get to know each other slowly and see if you can build a relationship. ask her if she's interested. if she says not, say ok and go NC.

 

and be more considerate about returning phone calls. if you're in a relationship you shouldn't be avoiding each other. if she calls you too much, you'll have to say something to her about it, but if you are calling her like you should be and returning her calls, i bet she won't be so clingy. be a gentleman and treat her well. not like a jerk. but be fun, i can tell you are naturally feisty anyway.

 

Wait....

 

With regards to #1

 

We broke it off back in December, remember? So.. that would be really weird if I did that with her.

 

#2... same as #1.

 

I thought you knew we stopped dating awhile back?

[cygny]

1-you were chatting with her a week ago, right? and now doing NC? aren't you unclear about whether she wants to be friends? is she thinking you are going to call her again or did you disappear on her? if it ended with expectation, then say something. if not then forget it and move on.

 

2--just what i said, but prefaced with, tell her you'd like to try again. or better, just ask her out and then tell her. i'm unclear about the details, you judge whichever suits.

[TheTallOne]

1-you were chatting with her a week ago, right? and now doing NC? aren't you unclear about whether she wants to be friends? is she thinking you are going to call her again or did you disappear on her? if it ended with expectation, then say something. if not then forget it and move on.

 

ic what you meant.. I took relationship as something else, not just friendship. She continued to contact me since December.. sometimes in person, sometimes via the net. I just can't tell if she just wants to be friends or to try it again. Guess I won't know till I ask, eh?

 

2--just what i said, but prefaced with, tell her you'd like to try again.

 

Here is my insecurity;

 

I used to date.. where I would only date one person. It kept going down the path that I would kind of.. become clingy with them, and it would turn them off.

 

I truly don't use it as a tool for "who is better...", but merely of trying to protect myself from a few more heart breaks.

 

I am just very, very, nervous of giving a girl I am dating... a large amount of control. I try to keep it balanced out... in other words.. (aren't we all?) I am afraid of getting hurt.

 

What this girl did, was try to control me (by forcing me to call all the time.. and getting upset when I didn't). Atleast in my eyes..... I've run into to many people who get bored when they have control, and will dump your ass because of it.

[cygny]

sounds to me like you two are a good match for each other. you both need to let your guard down a little and open up to love. but you're going to have to give up the non-excl. thing and she will too. just take it slow, but yes you will have to call her or she'll get insecure and call you. that's the way it works. it's a risk for both of you and there is no way around it.

 

you will have to stay in control by planning dates and 'running' the relationship. just make sure you ask her how she feels about something you are planning before you make the final decision. and you can call her and talk to her for 15 minutes a day, it doesn't have to be these endless phone calls.

[TheTallOne]

sounds to me like you two are a good match for each other. you both need to let your guard down a little and open up to love. but you're going to have to give up the non-excl. thing and she will too. just take it slow, but yes you will have to call her or she'll get insecure and call you. that's the way it works. it's a risk for both of you and there is no way around it.

 

Two ****ed up people dating, isn't that a symptom for trouble?

 

Furthermore, doesn't that put her in the position of power? Can't she then abuse it? I'd be setting myself for some serious **** if I tried also..

 

you will have to stay in control by planning dates and 'running' the relationship. just make sure you ask her how she feels about something you are planning before you make the final decision. and you can call her and talk to her for 15 minutes a day, it doesn't have to be these endless phone calls.

 

Thats what makes me nervous...

 

Since my heartbreaks/"abuse" (just emotional), I've been "brainwashed" by the David DeAngelo thinking.. the "don't call her all the time" etc stuff. As she'll get bored with it (and with me), and move on.

 

We're like two walls, going at eachother, not breaking apart.

 

Atleast for me, because of my past.. I have to retain a semi-decent amount of control, in order for me to be comfortrable, its probably the same with her. She is afraid of letting herself go.. as am I.

[cygny]

Two ****ed up people dating, isn't that a symptom for trouble?

 

Furthermore, doesn't that put her in the position of power? Can't she then abuse it? I'd be setting myself for some serious **** if I tried also..

 

 

 

Thats what makes me nervous...

 

Since my heartbreaks/"abuse" (just emotional), I've been "brainwashed" by the David DeAngelo thinking.. the "don't call her all the time" etc stuff. As she'll get bored with it (and with me), and move on.

 

We're like two walls, going at eachother, not breaking apart.

 

Atleast for me, because of my past.. I have to retain a semi-decent amount of control, in order for me to be comfortrable, its probably the same with her. She is afraid of letting herself go.. as am I.

 

i don't see how she has any more power than you do in this. as a woman, i am terrified of trusting a man--i could only be with a man who showed me i could trust him. I have been controlled by men who abused their power and tried to hold me down, or have lied to me and hurt me. of course i don't want a weak man--but as far as david deangelo goes--it's ok to a degree. keep the relationship fun with light and friendly teasing. but no, the player mentality has got to go, or she won't feel like she can be with you. unless of course i have completely misread her. but i don't think i have. a real relationship is about sharing control. one person always slightly has the upper hand but in the best relationships the balance of power shifts back and forth a little bit like cat and mouse. if you can't let go of the control, you can't be in a healthy relationship. real relationship is about sharing thoughts and feelings. if you guys get bored with each other, maybe its time to move on but should be out of natural growth not playing games.

 

the way to keep things fun is to keep her on her toes. tease her but not in a mean way. light and friendly. my uncle is still doing this to my aunt 35 years after marriage--every day.

[TheTallOne]

i don't see how she has any more power than you do in this.

 

She has the power as to accept me back or not.. it gives her the upper hand.

 

unless of course i have completely misread her. but i don't think i have. p.

 

Just wondering.. but, what makes you so sure? I am not calling you a liar.. just need a little bit of reosurance (sp) before I jump two feet into this. Personal experience through your own past or through observations of another?

 

I can't tell the difference (if there is any) between.. "friendly talk" and "keeping in touch because I can't get over you" talk anyway.

 

I know.. you have to take a risk. Knowing beforehand of good information is always helpful though...

[cygny]

She has the power as to accept me back or not.. it gives her the upper hand.

 

if she says no, say "oh well" in a very happy tone of voice. that ought to do it.

[cygny]

 

Just wondering.. but, what makes you so sure? I am not calling you a liar.. just need a little bit of reosurance (sp) before I jump two feet into this. Personal experience through your own past or through observations of another?

 

I can't tell the difference (if there is any) between.. "friendly talk" and "keeping in touch because I can't get over you" talk anyway.

 

I know.. you have to take a risk. Knowing beforehand of good information is always helpful though...

 

you mean that she likes you? wasn't she calling you like a madwoman in december? and still has kept in touch?

[TheTallOne]

you mean that she likes you? wasn't she calling you like a madwoman in december? and still has kept in touch?

 

Her level of contact isn't the same (for obvious reasons) in December.

 

There is a difference between contacting to be friends.. and contacting because she is still interested.

[cygny]

maybe its better if you handle it this way. just ask her out like normal for something casual--like it's not even a formal date. have fun. casually drop in that you aren't seeing anyone else right now. then just start calling her once to twice a week. build it up like a normal relationship. then if things go weird again you have to have the talk. just don't play so hard to get and make an issue out of dating others. pretend that doesn't even exist. and don't make an issue out of pressuring her for a relationship. maybe she is like a cat that you have to sneak up on and trap after coaxing them.

[TheTallOne]

maybe its better if you handle it this way. just ask her out like normal for something casual--like it's not even a formal date. have fun. casually drop in that you aren't seeing anyone else right now. then just start calling her once to twice a week. build it up like a normal relationship. then if things go weird again you have to have the talk. just don't play so hard to get and make an issue out of dating others. pretend that doesn't even exist. and don't make an issue out of pressuring her for a relationship. maybe she is like a cat that you have to sneak up on and trap after coaxing them.

 

And if she says no.. (to even going out, casually)... then I know where she stands.

 

NC from there on then.

[cygny]

yep. if she says no, just say oh well with a happy smile on your face. you will have all your dignity intact.

[TheTallOne]

yep. if she says no, just say oh well with a happy smile on your face. you will have all your dignity intact.

 

Got it.

 

Anymore advice?

[cygny]

yep. read the thread i started on men taming a woman, especially incognito's, blind otter's and tanbark's posts. i think your woman might like a few boundaries, as the relationship progresses, to feel more secure (not right off the bat). try it and see how she responds. you'll feel more in control too.

 

good luck!

[TheTallOne]

She contacted me this morning, via AIM.

 

I left it up while I went outside to shovel the white **** from hell... she just said how she was happy her work was closed..... that she didn't have to go in.

 

Then said she had to go and shovel, and that she'll talk to me later.

 

I get the feeling that she just wants to check in to be friendly... no?

 

I am confunked.

[cygny]

ask her if she wants to go build a snowman. then start a snowball fight. you know the rest of the drill.

[TheTallOne]

ask her if she wants to go build a snowman. then start a snowball fight. you know the rest of the drill.

 

lol

 

I can't get out of my driveway!

 

I just want to know if she is checking in to be friendly.. or still has interest in me.

[cygny]

my opinion, granted that this is based only on what you've told me, is that she is 'taking it slow'. this is where she 'feels safe' right now. i think the reason she didn't go for the relationship is because you were playing games, not answering her calls, being too cool with her.

 

but you'll never know until you try. right?

 

what's stopping you from walking over there? take advantage of the snow, it's the perfect opportunity,

[TheTallOne]

my opinion, granted that this is based only on what you've told me, is that she is 'taking it slow'. this is where she 'feels safe' right now. i think the reason she didn't go for the relationship is because you were playing games, not answering her calls, being too cool with her.

 

but you'll never know until you try. right?

 

what's stopping you from walking over there? take advantage of the snow, it's the perfect opportunity,

 

I am really, really missing it here..

 

We stopped dating. Why would she be taking it slow here? That doesn't make any sense.

 

Walking? She is a 25 minute drive west of me (atleast). I live in the suburbs, everthing has to be done by car.

[blind_otter]

FWIW, i think i used to be like this somewhat. and yes, i am more a serious, intellectual type too. we can 'think' our way out of relationships, literally. instead of "being" in them.

 

Word.........

[cygny]

I am really, really missing it here..

 

We stopped dating. Why would she be taking it slow here? That doesn't make any sense.

 

Walking? She is a 25 minute drive west of me (atleast). I live in the suburbs, everthing has to be done by car.

 

 

why would she maintain contact with a guy who made her cry? who made her stay awake at night? didn't she say that she is still pissed that you didn't call her (i guess on her trip?).

i don't know what is going on her head and you don't either. but i think you owe it to yourself to see if you can get to know what's up.

 

i think you should go on an outing and put a big confident hungry kiss on her lips. she what she does.

you'll have your answer.

[TheTallOne]

why would she maintain contact with a guy who made her cry? who made her stay awake at night? didn't she say that she is still pissed that you didn't call her (i guess on her trip?).

 

That is true. She said she was still pissed at me last week.. when my friend was talking to her. Unless she hopes to keep contact, just to be friends. Dunno.

 

i don't know what is going on her head and you don't either. but i think you owe it to yourself to see if you can get to know what's up.

 

Guess so.

 

i think you should go on an outing and put a big confident kiss on her lips. she what she does.

you'll have your answer.

 

I haven't been slapped in years. Worth a shot.

 

^ joke.

 

If she is dating a guy, does it change any of this?