how to move past something that should've never happened.

[can't_get_happy]

my fiancee is the most wonderful person around. he's the guy that i never thought existed. we've been together over 2 years.

 

we live 2 hours away as well, so the long distance thing comes into play as a factor, which makes this situation even HARDER.

 

so, i found out through his email, that he's been playing games online with a co-worker, having "the most amazing evenings!" and asking her to stop by to IM him at night, etc. he calls her "cutie" and i guess they have been flirting online and at work. she'll make special trips to see him in the break room etc. (i only got all this out of him after i confronted him)

 

things seemed to get better, until i found out she was showing up on guys night out. he said he told her where they'd be, and then she showed up because she "lived close by." well, i found out who she is married to, did a search on map quest, found their home address, and then entered their address and the bar, and it's FORTY minutes away. so, for me that doesn't qualify as "close."

 

we had a really traumatic weekend, and came to the conclusion that we love and care about each other, he cried the whole weekend, said so many "i'm sorrys..." and i thought i could move past it.

 

he told her at work that the sight of her made his stomach turn, and he was severing their "friendship" - i guess she said, "i can respect that" and walked away. i even wrote this woman my feelings on this whole thing, and was not nice, but firm. she never responded.

 

here's my problem. i cannot get over this. yesterday i was fine, today, i was a screaming MESS and have such hatred for him. he's confused, as he thought he was out of the dog house. he keeps asking "what can i do?" and i honestly don't know! i didn't ask to feel this big ball of pain that's in my stomach and i'm all over the map emotionally.

 

he's willing to work this out. i just wonder what steps i can take to get over this betrayal. he's a really great guy. i guess some women just feed off of that. but he should've been smarter.

 

i say, if you're hiding something from your partner, you're guilty. emotional cheating is so much worse than the physical alternative.

 

[JadeStar]

If you're wanting to move forward, and so does your b/f then you will have to accept the fact this was something that happened, and go from there. I'm sure thats easier said than done right now because you feel your trust has been betrayed. Your b/f will also have to proove to you that his has kept his word by not being in contact with this co-worker again as well. I'm sure its something you both canb move past if its what you really want to do.

 

 

 

Jade

[filarena]

Went through a very similar situation, and I agree that the fact that they hide it in and of itself makes it a lot more painful. Try as they might to say it was innocent, you have to wonder if it really was, why were they acting guilty?

 

All I can say is if you really love him and you both want to work it out, you have to try and move forward. Don't try and pretend it never happened, becuase it won't work. You can't start over from scratch. He's got to earn your trust back by not sending up any red flags for some time. But it is possible that he will do that.

 

I caught my gf flirting with guys online and lying about it. I confronted her. She nearly dumped me for snooping. I swore I'd never do it again. Yeah, right. She later admitted to me that she was flirting and didn't even know what made her do it, but she was sorry. Of course I still didn't trust her completely, so I kept snooping, though of course she had no idea. And I found nothing at all, for weeks. Now I trust her.

 

I don't know if other people would consider it good advice to keep snooping, maybe they'd say if you feel the need to do that, the relationship is over. But personally I knew I couldn't just take her word for it after she'd lied so many times before, and knowing for sure that she had in fact stopped was a great relief.

[witabix]

............... Try as they might to say it was innocent, you have to wonder if it really was, why were they acting guilty?

 

All I can say is if you really love him and you both want to work it out, you have to try and move forward. Don't try and pretend it never happened, becuase it won't work. You can't start over from scratch. He's got to earn your trust back by not sending up any red flags for some time. But it is possible that he will do that.

 

I caught my gf flirting with guys online and lying about it. I confronted her. She nearly dumped me for snooping. I swore I'd never do it again. Yeah, right. She later admitted to me that she was flirting and didn't even know what made her do it, but she was sorry. Of course I still didn't trust her completely, so I kept snooping, though of course she had no idea. And I found nothing at all, for weeks. Now I trust her.

 

I don't know if other people would consider it good advice to keep snooping, maybe they'd say if you feel the need to do that, the relationship is over. But personally I knew I couldn't just take her word for it after she'd lied so many times before, and knowing for sure that she had in fact stopped was a great relief.

 

I am not advocating snoopinp, but that makes whole load of sense to me. Saying that you do not trust someone anymore can be a hammer blow.

 

I know I have tried it.

 

I returned my 'trust' on a basis very similar to filarena. I am waiting to see if the trust was warrented or if I am still being f***ed about with. A kind of going forward and preparing myself for the possibility of the worst. Shields up Mr Spock. Prepare for transport. Kind of thing, (Trekkie, eeeeek!)

 

At the moment it is looking good.

 

People do feel like they have an obligation if you explicitly offer them your trust. In your situation your bf will know, if he has half a brain, that your offer to trust him would be a fragile thing. That he could smash it to pieces for ever very easily. If you want to try again a mixture of trusting watchfulness may be the answer. Until he shows you which way you should go.

[silktricks]

here's my problem. i cannot get over this. yesterday i was fine, today, i was a screaming MESS and have such hatred for him. he's confused, as he thought he was out of the dog house. he keeps asking "what can i do?" and i honestly don't know! i didn't ask to feel this big ball of pain that's in my stomach and i'm all over the map emotionally.

 

he's willing to work this out. i just wonder what steps i can take to get over this betrayal.

 

What it takes is time. You will get over it IF he will be able to put up with your messed up state. You can't pretend that you aren't in pain, 'cuz then you're just lying.

 

If he really truly loves you he'll stick with you while you're in the falling apart stage.