need more input,PLEASE HELP

[sad girl]

here is the deal, about a week ago i posted a 2 part question and everyone who wrote mainly addressed one part of the situation. i'm still feeling like i need more advice.

 

i went to visit a guy "tom" in NYC i've been casually dating on and off for the past four yrs. he and i have never gotten serious and i have no intention of getting to that level. he's a good guy but has some character traits that i could never deal with if he were my boyfriend. basicly, we are very good friends that have a great time with each other, have great sex, enjoy each other's company etc. i guess you call it convience between two friends that are unattached and a bit lonely.

 

while visiting, i was introduced to a guy "sam". sam is a friend of a friend of tom's. tom and sam are in the ssame group of friends but do not hang with just each other. well when sam and i met we were instantly attracted to one another and shared many short but intense stares throughout the evening as well as talked as much a possible without stepping on tom's toes. at the end of the evening we had no choice but to go our seperate ways and so we did. that night i thought about him and our conversations alot and felt this great sorrow that i would never see him again, strangely i even shed a few tears but decided to pass it off as just some wierd deja vu sort of thing.

 

the week went on and the last night of my trip tom and i went out and when we got out of the cab brian and tom's other friends were there. MY HEART LEAPT! i was so happy and this time we talked a lot. a good amount of flirting went on as well. i noticed tom acting a bit offish but i just backed off sam a bit and it was fine. at the end of the night sam walked over to me stared deeply into my eyes and smiled. he walked out of the bar without saying goodbye to anyone.

 

i went back to tom's that night and he started talking about sam. he said that every time he looked at sam, he was ataring at me and that he noticed sam was by my side most of the night. tom did not sound the least bit happy about this and said it was all he could do to keep from punching the guy. not for the fact that he has any right to be mad b/c tom and i have nothing established between us, but the fact he thought it was disrespectful of sam to be flirting w/ me while i was there to see tom. i guess he took it as breaking some kind of code between guys.

 

the point is and i know this is absolutely rediculous but, i felt a strong connection with sam. some wierd subconcious part of me feels like i know him and i want to be with him. this is completely irrational thinking for me and very outside my norm. i've never felt this before and i know he could be a loser or even just not for me but i've got to at least find out. its been around three weeks and i still can't stop thinking about him.

 

yes, i know that i know nothing about him and this really makes no sense but it happened its real and that is a fact. i have no way of getting his phone number unless i was to call tom or one of our friends that is also friends with sam and ask for it. therefore if i want to talk to sam, as far as i can see, i'm going to have to tell tom.

 

tom is a bit of a hot head and i'm not sure what he'd think but i know at the least it would hurt his pride. what should i do. would it be ethical to jepordize a friendship for something that might not be anything at all(although im not sure that's the case). to the guys reading this, how would it make you feel? i'm look for any and all serious advice. i don't want to be a bitch but i'm not sure i can ignore this feeling. please help if you can. it would mean a lot! -sad girl

[Ed]

With most people, having any kind of sexual relationship with someone (no matter how supposedly uncommitted you are) carries a certain amount of emotional attachment. Some become more attached than others and those emotions are not always verbalized. Friends with benefits has it's consequences.

 

It appears that Tom has made some assumptions about his relationship with you. I think you and Tom need to have a talk about where you stand with each other. You need to tell him that, although you have had a four year sexual relationship with him and you may continue to have sex with him, you are looking for something/someone else and he has no say so over who else you pursue or who pursues you. Judging by the way he has acted so far, don't expect him to be real happy about this revelation from you.

 

In my opinion, this is not a good situation for either you or Tom to be in. Carrying on like this is a barrier to both of you finding someone you could be altogether happy with, in a committed way.

 

I would consider it extremely tacky to ask Tom how to contact Sam. But why should you care what I think. We aren't friends and we certainly aren't having casual sex with each other. You do whatever suits your taste and gets you what you want. To hell with everybody else, they are just stepping stones, right?

[Artlover]

I agree with Ed completely. Carrying on a FOUR YEAR "friends with benefits" situation is not conducive to either of you finding a real/complete relationship. I would definitely talk to Tom about your relationship with him. It sounds like you're tired of Tom, but want to keep him around in case these flirtations with other men don't work out. Basically, you want your cake and you want to eat it too. And on top of that you want Tom to be happy about it all! Not realistic.

 

This new guy may or may not be worth pursuing. Who knows? But I have a sneaking suspicion it's the mystery of it all that's got you sooo excited. Have you ever had a fully committed one on one relationship? If not, or if it's been quite a long time, perhaps you're not really interested in such right now. And in that case, why trash a friendship on a whim?

With most people, having any kind of sexual relationship with someone (no matter how supposedly uncommitted you are) carries a certain amount of emotional attachment. Some become more attached than others and those emotions are not always verbalized. Friends with benefits has it's consequences.

 

It appears that Tom has made some assumptions about his relationship with you. I think you and Tom need to have a talk about where you stand with each other. You need to tell him that, although you have had a four year sexual relationship with him and you may continue to have sex with him, you are looking for something/someone else and he has no say so over who else you pursue or who pursues you. Judging by the way he has acted so far, don't expect him to be real happy about this revelation from you. In my opinion, this is not a good situation for either you or Tom to be in. Carrying on like this is a barrier to both of you finding someone you could be altogether happy with, in a committed way. I would consider it extremely tacky to ask Tom how to contact Sam. But why should you care what I think. We aren't friends and we certainly aren't having casual sex with each other. You do whatever suits your taste and gets you what you want. To hell with everybody else, they are just stepping stones, right?

[sadgirl]

With most people, having any kind of sexual relationship with someone (no matter how supposedly uncommitted you are) carries a certain amount of emotional attachment. Some become more attached than others and those emotions are not always verbalized. Friends with benefits has it's consequences.

 

It appears that Tom has made some assumptions about his relationship with you. I think you and Tom need to have a talk about where you stand with each other. You need to tell him that, although you have had a four year sexual relationship with him and you may continue to have sex with him, you are looking for something/someone else and he has no say so over who else you pursue or who pursues you. Judging by the way he has acted so far, don't expect him to be real happy about this revelation from you. In my opinion, this is not a good situation for either you or Tom to be in. Carrying on like this is a barrier to both of you finding someone you could be altogether happy with, in a committed way. I would consider it extremely tacky to ask Tom how to contact Sam. But why should you care what I think. We aren't friends and we certainly aren't having casual sex with each other. You do whatever suits your taste and gets you what you want. To hell with everybody else, they are just stepping stones, right?

 

ed,i just wanted to thank you for your assinine sarcasm. that was just what i was looking for and needed. your good deed for the day has been done. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

[IAm20HeIs30]

Hmm. What makes you happy? A 4 year non-committed relationship that is about sex and a good time? Or the possibility...

 

Talking to "Tom" about where you 2 stand would be a good place to start. Let him know where you stand on your relationship/friendship. I won't judge the relationship between you 2 but I will say that you should question what is important to you and what makes you happy. Are you comfortable with someone who you consider only a friend, yet he gets a little jealous/upset about another guy staring at you?

 

Sure many people can say your 4 year good time relationship is not healthy or its depriving you or whatever. I won't judge on that; to each his own. Do what makes you happy. But if you are going to make yourself happy in that respect, then you have to do what makes you happy in all occasions. If trying to pursue something with "Sam" will make you happy when then thats what you need to do. You can hope for a relationship with "Sam" and your continued friendship with "Tom" (minus the sex-I hope). Notice I said HOPE. Now if that is what you'll get, that remains to be seen. But you'll never know until you take the step.

 

Is it worth possibly losing a friendship on a whim? Well only can answer that. How important is the friendship to you? Furthermore, what aspects of the friendship are important to you? Like it was stated earlier, you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

 

Opportunities. Possibilities. Consequences...But you never know till you take the step. Maybe its time for your relationship with "Tom" to be re-evaluated--regardless if you try to pursue something with "Sam" or not.

 

I'll agree though, it is pretty downright mean to ask "Tom" for "Sam's" number. You could ask another friend. Not because you are trying to hide it from "Tom" but because you are possibly sparing "Tom's" feelings.