desperately need a mans opinion.....

[sincere]

i have been in this relationship for 4 years. i could bore you by telling how much it hurts, and that i cry, and all the sobbing details, but i just need advice. an unbiased opinion. a mans point of view.

 

a little history......before the problem

 

at 20 i was married and had a child. when we met - i had a decent body, slender... after my pregnancy, my body was not so decent anymore.

 

i gained weight immediately-- and stayed that way for 5 years. i went from 129 to 185. ( i had norplants inserted in my arm for birthcontrol- it causes permanent weight gain) there was nothing i could do about it. i even had them removed. he was unhappy- sex was no more, neither was the friendship..it ended in divorce. my ex-husband and i have a relationship that is best for our child - it hurt me immensely, but the reality is ... i wasn't for him.

 

in steps boyfriend # 2--- at this point my self- esteem was at the lowest it had ever been. i didn't even want to look in a mirror. marriage at a young age taught me- it matters what you look like if he is going to love you. (even if you gain weight from bearing his child)

 

i was freshly divorced and this new guy tells me everything he knew i needed to hear, 'your beautiful, your special, I'm your knight) blah -blah -blah. i fell for it hook - line and sinker. i was an IDIOT.

 

that relationship was horrible- it made my marriage look like a fairytale. i was abused, i lost 50 pounds from the stress. the ironic thing is - i went back to my normal weight- only with the wrong guy. i couldnt believe it. i became pregnant- only this time with twins. it was a mess - i wont lie.. i learned alot in the last 8 years. i made many many mistakes. it turned out- i had to get a protective order from boyfriend #2 - he turned violent in the 3rd year. i had to get out for my children and myself. he ended up leaving the state, shortly after court and never returned. he doesn't even want to see the twins. he has been gone for 4 years now. a blessing in disguise for me, and the children. its really sad. i am the type of person that believes in taking care of responsibilities. i have always worked, provided food for my children and loved them and i have been there for them. i learned about false romances in the worst possible way. boyfriend #2 wanted to try swinging in the third year we were together. i said NO WAY. and thats when all hell broke lose.

 

in steps boyfriend # 3.

 

during the times that i was in the turbulent relationship with #2, i had a best friend , a mentor, an older brother you could say, that was watching me from across the street. he is 13 years older than me. we became close friends from the beginning. he saw all the crap that i was surrounded by, and helped me get out it.

 

when # 2 left the state, he left me with bills like you wouldn't believe. #2 doesn't pay child support- never has. i was evicted from my home and was ready to move out of state. well #3 offered to let me stay with him until i got back on my feet. #3 was a computer programmer, in his early 40's, a decent, kind human being with a heart of gold. i stayed with him on the terms i would be leaving in 3 months. three months came and he asked me to stay even though i was prepared to get a place of my own.

 

we loved each other, everything was comfortable, the children were happy, i was happy, he was happy. an instant normal family life. he enjoyed my children, and they loved him as well. ( he was not a stranger to us, he was already apart of our lives. ) so i stayed. we became romantically involved. we have been with him for 3 years now. we live in a great neighborhood, my children are in school, we both have good careers. the normal situation. as it should be when you have a family. but this is the problem.

 

as with all relationships, nothing is perfect.....

 

even though asked me to stay, he has a MAJOR fear of commitment. all his commitments to me are visual - nothing verbal. we have never had a cussing match, there is mutual respect and love. its a perfect relationship of friendship. he's been the only father figure the twins have known.

 

He has told me he's not in love with me. but everything he does indicates that he does love me, but there is no romance. basically he helped me out of a terrible situation, and now here we are. i am in love with him. i love him. he is a person that will be apart of me until i die. so, everytime i try to get our lives separated so that i can move, he stops me. he doesn't know what he wants. i cant be with someone just because he feels sorry for me. its been three years. should he know what he wants by now? i ask and he gets very frustrated like i have backed him in a corner. he simply refuses to answer that question. im not asking for a marraige. he asked me to marry him this spring. gave me a ring and everything. but a week after he did it, he feel into this depression, and i asked and he said he had know idea that proposing was going to make him feel the way it did. (i guess its similiar to the kind of fear a womans feels when she finds out she's pregnant unexpectedly and the initial reaction i had was to throw up out of fear.)so i gave him the ring back. and he still wants me to stay with him. then he asks me again. then the fear. so i gave the ring back again. mind you all this time, im thinking whats wrong with me, im not worth it. he's comfortable with this situation as long as no long term plans are made. he's like a fish - flip flop flip flop. i just dont know what to do. theres time invested on both parts and my children are the most important thing to me. do i wait this out? or do i go and make a permanent situation on my own. i love him. he loves me - obviously but theres still the " i love you - not in love with you"

 

i just know what to do. if it was just me - i'd stick it out. but everything is comfortable and happy as long as i dont push a descision from him. he doesn't have to marry me. i just need to know that he choses to stay with me because he wants to, not because he feels sorry for me. but everytime i try to get ready to go - he stops me -

 

what does this mean????????????

 

any advice would so greatly appreciated.......

[Daisy]

Has this man EVER committed himself to anyone? Has he ever been married? Long term relationship?

[sincere]

Has this man EVER committed himself to anyone? Has he ever been married? Long term relationship?

he's had 2 long term in his life time.. but never married.

[quankanne]

sounds like he truly does care for you and your family, but is maybe afraid to let himself admit love/caring because he thinks he'll get hurt ...

 

Gently ask if he sees a future with you and your children, if you are what he wants for the long haul. Sounds simplistic, but if you honestly look at relationships that go the duration, everyday the two people may a choice to stay in that relationship. Even when they're faced with problems, they make that choice.

 

If he starts feeling cornered, just be honest with him: tell him that you care for him and so do the kids, but that you want to do right by them and him, not hurt him. Once he begins to realize that your best interests DO involve him, and that you're not doing this as a control thing, maybe he'll loosen up to the point where he can be honest with himself about his level of commitment he appears to have for you.