Desprately need your help....Please !!

[Emma]

I have a big problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost a year, I love him and he says he cares about me etc. THe relationship for the most part was good. You could tell that he really did care etc. Maybe even had the love thing happening etc. But the past few months have been filled with utter chaos surrounding his life. He got a DWI and had to go to a half way house center for a few weekends instead of serving jail time. ( He and his wife separated when this DWI happened)(He had been separated from her for about 7 months before we started dating. We were inseparable, spending every waking moment together at that time). Then he lost his house in a fire, because of that lost his job, went to visit some family in a different state to work at their family business for awhile has come back a number of times but keep leaving to work there and since then has had difficulty returning to face his problems here. When his divorce became final, he ran away from me saying he was having problems with everything and just left my apartment. I didn't see him for a few days we met on morning before I had to go to work, I poured my heart out to him saying that I loved him and missed him and wanted him to come home. We had plans for that evening dinner etc. I waited for him to call me to pick him up -- no call. Called his friend's house to find that he went back to the other state to work some more. I called his relatives out there. They didn't know he was coming. His family told me that they would make him call me to explain the minute he arrived. He called said he knew he had done the wrong thing wanted another chance etc and would be home in a week to start to deal with his problems. A week later I got a call right before he left saying he was going to stay longer and we needed to discuss our relationship either move it ahead or end it. I was alarmed by this and was asking why. He isn't making any since. He was talking about stuff we had discussed like I want you in my life foreve, kids, marriage etc. He wasn't making since almost as if he had cold feet about the relationship. I called him back and said I wanted an answer and we were arguing saying things we didn't mean At the height of the arguement he said he didn't want the relationship anymore, but wanted to talk later. We talk after each of us cooled down and he said he didn't mean that -- something like I was pushing on him and it stressed him out. I said it doesn't make since to end the relationship just because we weren't ready to move it ahead. He agreed and said we would figure something out. I said he has to come back first. I love him, miss him, and believe that we can have a good relationship again, eventhough I am hurt. What do I do? I even thought there was another woman, but there isn't. I'm really sad. We have never been apart for this long. I don't understand anything. I wish someone could look at this from all sides and tell me what is happening.

 

Please help!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you.

[Cynthia]

Sometimes when people have major conflicts or problems in their life, there isn't room for a relationship. This isn't because of a lack of love or anything like that...but we all know that relationships are (even in good times) extremely complex and occassionally a source of a lot of stress for all involved parties.

 

I say, give him time and space and just be there for him as a friend. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. And by taking a step back and getting some breathing room, you will alleviate some of the stress both you and he are experienceing.

 

This is only from my point of view. I experienced similar problems with my boyfriend, except I was the one with the major conflicts. He took a step back and said let's chill out until you put your life back together. I was angry at first...terribly angry. But after I sat and thought things out I realized he was right. And his purely platonic support was a real source of strength and hope for me. Maybe the same things can be applied to your situation.

 

C.

I have a big problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost a year, I love him and he says he cares about me etc. THe relationship for the most part was good. You could tell that he really did care etc. Maybe even had the love thing happening etc. But the past few months have been filled with utter chaos surrounding his life. He got a DWI and had to go to a half way house center for a few weekends instead of serving jail time. ( He and his wife separated when this DWI happened)(He had been separated from her for about 7 months before we started dating. We were inseparable, spending every waking moment together at that time). Then he lost his house in a fire, because of that lost his job, went to visit some family in a different state to work at their family business for awhile has come back a number of times but keep leaving to work there and since then has had difficulty returning to face his problems here. When his divorce became final, he ran away from me saying he was having problems with everything and just left my apartment. I didn't see him for a few days we met on morning before I had to go to work, I poured my heart out to him saying that I loved him and missed him and wanted him to come home. We had plans for that evening dinner etc. I waited for him to call me to pick him up -- no call. Called his friend's house to find that he went back to the other state to work some more. I called his relatives out there. They didn't know he was coming. His family told me that they would make him call me to explain the minute he arrived. He called said he knew he had done the wrong thing wanted another chance etc and would be home in a week to start to deal with his problems. A week later I got a call right before he left saying he was going to stay longer and we needed to discuss our relationship either move it ahead or end it. I was alarmed by this and was asking why. He isn't making any since. He was talking about stuff we had discussed like I want you in my life foreve, kids, marriage etc. He wasn't making since almost as if he had cold feet about the relationship. I called him back and said I wanted an answer and we were arguing saying things we didn't mean At the height of the arguement he said he didn't want the relationship anymore, but wanted to talk later. We talk after each of us cooled down and he said he didn't mean that -- something like I was pushing on him and it stressed him out. I said it doesn't make since to end the relationship just because we weren't ready to move it ahead. He agreed and said we would figure something out. I said he has to come back first. I love him, miss him, and believe that we can have a good relationship again, eventhough I am hurt. What do I do? I even thought there was another woman, but there isn't. I'm really sad. We have never been apart for this long. I don't understand anything. I wish someone could look at this from all sides and tell me what is happening. Please help!!!!!!!! Thank you.

[sadie]

i had a very similar experience to part of what's going on here. i was in a relationship that was very good; almost perfect. then things happened, there were temporary separations etc...and it got very complicated. it had been good for a year before this all happened. and once we tried to get back together and work it out, it just wouldn't go. sadly enough, once it's gone, it's not coming back. even though at one point it was great, that's not enought to keep it together once it's bad. once the dynamics in a relationship change, that's it. i would take a look at your current relationship w/this guy for that past couple months; has it been worth it? let go of the past and try to see the future w/this guy, is there one?

 

-sadie

Sometimes when people have major conflicts or problems in their life, there isn't room for a relationship. This isn't because of a lack of love or anything like that...but we all know that relationships are (even in good times) extremely complex and occassionally a source of a lot of stress for all involved parties. I say, give him time and space and just be there for him as a friend. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. And by taking a step back and getting some breathing room, you will alleviate some of the stress both you and he are experienceing. This is only from my point of view. I experienced similar problems with my boyfriend, except I was the one with the major conflicts. He took a step back and said let's chill out until you put your life back together. I was angry at first...terribly angry. But after I sat and thought things out I realized he was right. And his purely platonic support was a real source of strength and hope for me. Maybe the same things can be applied to your situation. C.