Don't cheaters feel guilty?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

It sounds like there is no real "marriage" there. Do you love your husband? Is there anything redemptive in your marriage? Maybe you feel no guilt because you have desire to stay with him / you don't care about him?

 

Chumps, we have had some tough times in our marriage, especially in the last year or so. WHen I had the inappropriate relationship with his bestfriend, I think our marriage was at its lowest point, too. I hated him, but he was just... indifferent, you know?

 

I am working on putting my focus back on my H and my kids. Some days are better than others. Today was not so bad. He came home early and we talked like bestfriends again. We haven't had sex for the past 3 weeks, and we sleep in different rooms.

 

Silktricks, maybe you are right. Maybe this affair is still not over. But we are still keeping our NC, really not by my choice. I wish I can feel guilty so that I can forget about my OM and focus on my H instead. I want to love my H like I did years ago. But the feelings are not there. He is like a friend to me. I like him and respect him as the father of my children.

 

So I guess I answered my own question. In order to feel guilty for what I did, I have to have feelings for my H. Thanks guys!

[Mz. Pixie]

But Pix and Castle, you are both assuming that the unhappy partner communicated his / her unhappiness. Some of us are completely blindsided. You can't take blame for not fixing a problem you're not aware of.

 

Well, I know I communicated my unhappiness, at the end especially very bluntly. He just never thought I'd leave, he thought I couldn't I guess.

 

I think many times also a spouse leaves clues as to what's going on. Perhaps suggesting that they'd like to spice up their sex life or that they are not getting enough?? Say for instance a husband asks his wife all the time "Why don't you wear thong panties for me?" and the wife says, "Ewwww that's just gross" Apply those statements to alot of things in the bedroom.

[Chump64]

Yeah. In my case, I suggested different things in the bedroom and he declined, but took the ideas to his OW / did them with her.

 

It bothers me when people insist I should have / could have known he was unhappy or that he was straying. I tend to hate the "blame the victim" mentality.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ok. I'm going to admit that I feel very little guilt over what I have done with my OM. The thing is I don't know why I don't feel bad. I know that I should feel bad and therefore stop fantasizing the OM. But the problem is, I find myself so in love with him that I can hardly emphasize with what my H would feel if he found out. I even want to divorce my H so that I can marry the OM. Is this normal? When am I going to "wake up" and repent for my sins? I want to understand this myself, so please don't bash me.

 

I am sincerely seeking help here.

 

I am not a bad person in other ways... (ok, that sounded like I was making excuses for myself.) Admittedly, my marriage isn't great either... another excuse/reason?

 

Yeah, well I wasn't in love with my OM so I can't relate to the love factor. I can tell you though that you're in a fog of addiction right now though. It took a full year after I had my fling to get my mind straight. A full year before I felt guilt. Then it was tremendous. That is why I advised you to get out.

 

You need to do some research into the withdrawal from an affair. Perhaps LadyJane or someone could point you to something that can help with that?

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah. In my case, I suggested different things in the bedroom and he declined, but took the ideas to his OW / did them with her.

 

It bothers me when people insist I should have / could have known he was unhappy or that he was straying. I tend to hate the "blame the victim" mentality.

 

I'm not blaming you Chump!

 

I'm saying I think it happens.

 

I think it doesn't matter what it is though, sex or whatever. Say a person's most important emotional need is getting their toes sucked. They think about it all the time but their spouse won't do it. Refuses. They dream about it all the time. Then, bam someone comes along who wants to suck their toes! OMG, that is a major high, this person wants to suck their toes. They love it! They don't mind and will suck their toes at any point that they want them to.

 

See what I mean?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by KnowHowLoveFeels...

Ok. I'm going to admit that I feel very little guilt over what I have done with my OM. The thing is I don't know why I don't feel bad. I know that I should feel bad and therefore stop fantasizing the OM. But the problem is, I find myself so in love with him that I can hardly emphasize with what my H would feel if he found out. I even want to divorce my H so that I can marry the OM. Is this normal? When am I going to "wake up" and repent for my sins? I want to understand this myself, so please don't bash me.

 

I am sincerely seeking help here.

 

I am not a bad person in other ways... (ok, that sounded like I was making excuses for myself.) Admittedly, my marriage isn't great either... another excuse/reason?Yeah, well I wasn't in love with my OM so I can't relate to the love factor. I can tell you though that you're in a fog of addiction right now though. It took a full year after I had my fling to get my mind straight. A full year before I felt guilt. Then it was tremendous. That is why I advised you to get out.

 

You need to do some research into the withdrawal from an affair. Perhaps LadyJane or someone could point you to something that can help with that?

 

What Ladyjane would say to KHLF...is that you need more help than what can be found in an advice forum. We aren't psychiatric professionals here, and it sounds like you could really use some specific guidance.

 

I'm not inferring that you are in any way 'crazy'. Never that. But obsessive or compulsive behaviors MEAN something. There's a source for it...maybe locked up deep within you.

 

Bear in mind that this is NOT a professional opinion, rather an observation...but I've noticed that sometimes "obsession" seems to stem from avoidance of an undefined problem or issue. The problem seems vague and nonspecific. The obsessive person focuses their attention on whatever problem is at hand....even to the point of manufacturing a problem so that there's something concrete to deal with.

 

Your focus on the OM could be a result of affair addiction. It could be stemming directly from unmet ENs in your marital relationship. It might have it's roots in your personality development at early childhood. It could even be undiagnosed OCD, which would probably respond nicely to a combination of medication and behavioural therapy. It could be ANYTHING at this point.

 

But the bottom line is that you don't know what's causing it...and we don't know what's causing it either. You need some help from someone who is TRAINED to help you identify the cause. Because finding the cause of the obsession is the key to resolving it.

 

 

 

My only other advice to you would be to try to access sympathy for your husband. Try to empathize with him a little more...you know, 'walk a mile in his shoes'.

 

When you can't unblock your love emotion due to unresolved anger or resentment, sometimes the use of sympathy will help you gain access to your softer emotions. It works kind of like an emotional bypass.

[Hurtingtoo]

I've also said before that I admit I should have moved on before I cheated. Some people think that is so simple, when in reality it's not. First of all, you don't set out to cheat on your spouse, it's a gradual thing. You don't just wake up on morning and say, "hmmmmm, I think I'll go cheat" It starts off innocently enough and then Bam, before you know it, you're in over your head.

 

Just adding my response even though I am new here- EXACTLY! Nobody starts out this way, it just gets that way..being in over your head or feeling so wonderful about what is changing in your life you are not thinking. You create a wall to shut out what you don't want to deal with.

 

I am living with what I have done and the guilt does eat at me, but I also know that something wasn't right in my marriage that NEITHER of us wanted to address. Was that his fault..NOPE...but it was both of us who didn't address it...I sought out other factors to make me feel better..and hence my "affair" or "attachment" But like others I have admitted to it and am making amends to myself and others and working on repairing the damage.

 

Others can judge and its up to us as the "unfaithful one" to decide how we deal with that.

 

Sorry for the ramble...

[Mz. Pixie]

Just adding my response even though I am new here- EXACTLY! Nobody starts out this way, it just gets that way..being in over your head or feeling so wonderful about what is changing in your life you are not thinking. You create a wall to shut out what you don't want to deal with.

 

I am living with what I have done and the guilt does eat at me, but I also know that something wasn't right in my marriage that NEITHER of us wanted to address. Was that his fault..NOPE...but it was both of us who didn't address it...I sought out other factors to make me feel better..and hence my "affair" or "attachment" But like others I have admitted to it and am making amends to myself and others and working on repairing the damage.

 

Others can judge and its up to us as the "unfaithful one" to decide how we deal with that.

 

Sorry for the ramble...

 

It's okay. You GET it.

[Chump64]

I struggle with this, when my husband and I talk about it. I keep asking, how could you ever think this was OK? In what universe is that behavior "right" -- especially for 10 years?

 

This would all be so much less confusing if we had a crap marriage. On my worst days, I wish he would have just come to me and asked for a divorce at the time that he started this.

[SueBee3490]

I struggle with this, when my husband and I talk about it. I keep asking, how could you ever think this was OK? In what universe is that behavior "right" -- especially for 10 years?

 

This would all be so much less confusing if we had a crap marriage. On my worst days, I wish he would have just come to me and asked for a divorce at the time that he started this.

 

Chump

I know what you mean. I keep reading on these boards the people who were the cheaters saying over and over "my needs weren't being met" or "I kept telling him/her what my needs were but they didn't listen." I wish my bf would have told me we had a "crappy" relationship or at least let me know that he was so unhappy, but instead he was cheating but playing the "I'm so happy with you" gig. I just wish my bf would have told me to "f**k off" instead of cheating. Sure I would have been hurt tremendously, but not nearly as broken up as I am over his cheating.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Mz Pixie said: "It took a full year after I had my fling to get my mind straight. A full year before I felt guilt. Then it was tremendous. That is why I advised you to get out."

 

Mz P. I believe what you told me. I am trying to stay away. I have not contacted my MM since I joined LS. (You guys helped me more than you know. When I re-read my old posts, I cannot believe what I wrote. And many of them were incoherent... like my head was all over the place. So many people misunderstood me, especially the one about my H refusing to have sex with me - which is untrue.)

 

LadyJane said: "Your focus on the OM could be a result of affair addiction. It could be stemming directly from unmet ENs in your marital relationship. It might have it's roots in your personality development at early childhood. It could even be undiagnosed OCD, which would probably respond nicely to a combination of medication and behavioural therapy. It could be ANYTHING at this point.

 

But the bottom line is that you don't know what's causing it...and we don't know what's causing it either. You need some help from someone who is TRAINED to help you identify the cause. Because finding the cause of the obsession is the key to resolving it."

 

LadyJane, you are such a wise woman and I have tremendous respect for your opinions. I have never thought of myself as having an obsessive disorder. But I suppose I can have it to some degree if I am that crazy about another man. Let me point out that I have never allowed myself to develop feelings for another man the whole time I was married (9 years). So I don't think that I have an addiction to affairs or to the attention from men. This guy that I have fallen in love with feels just right for me in so many ways - and so wrong in many others. I don't want to be a statistic for women who have extramarrital affairs and claim that the OM is their "soulmate". At least I am not that far gone in the fog yet!

 

I guess I am trying to figure out why I am acting like this. I want to know what I am missing. I want to know why I want to risk everything, throw away everything, even my life when my obsession with him becomes intense enough. Is that love?

 

Yes, I want to claim my life back. But it seems to hang onto something out of my control now, if you know what I mean. I want to stop having feelings for my OM.

 

Being here helps alot. I'd appreciate it if LadyJane would give me some advice. I know I still have alot to learn.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ladyjane is indeed very wise!

 

I'm glad that you believe what I told you, unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way.

 

The best thing I can tell you- is try to rebuild things with your H. Counseling. You telling him what your needs are and him telling what his needs are. What is it that the OM does for you that makes you feel soooo good. Is it sex? Is it emotional support?? Is it flirting?? You can get all of that with your H if you try.

 

Even if you feel that divorcing your husband and getting on with your OM will make things easier, it really won't. It seems like a new person with no history of you is like a clean slate and in some respects it is, but you really need to get to the bottom of why you cheated in the first place. That is where counseling will help.

 

Then, after you've tried everything get out of the marriage the honorable way, or as honorable as you can. Then you can always look back and say that you tried everything that you could before you ended the marriage. That may not seem like much right now, but it's huge in the recovery process.

[OzGirl]

Yes. Only when they get caught.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes. Only when they get caught.

 

Wrong........

[Sassy]

I think that cheaters don't think about the s/o feelings and think only of themselves. No i don't think they feel guilty because most cheaters try to justify the reason they did it. They don't feel love , wasn't getting no attention etc. I 'm not bashing the cheaters but i do feel that they don't think they are guilty. I have expierenced being cheated on so this i know from my s/o

[Ladyjane14]

I guess I am trying to figure out why I am acting like this. I want to know what I am missing. I want to know why I want to risk everything, throw away everything, even my life when my obsession with him becomes intense enough. Is that love?

 

Yes, I want to claim my life back. But it seems to hang onto something out of my control now, if you know what I mean. I want to stop having feelings for my OM.

 

"Is that love?".... No honey, it's not. That's infatuation.

 

I sometimes think we don't give enough credit to just how very strong infatuation can be. It's a biochemical reaction that literally affects our thought-process and emotional response. It adjusts the chemical balance of our hormones. It can affect our actions, making us act out in ways that are sometimes inappropriate. "Infatuation" seems too small a word for all that!

 

I do believe that infatuation can be the seed of true love.....sometimes it grows, sometimes it doesn't. But IMHO, infatuation and love are two different things.

 

I think you'll find that your infatuation with this OM is symptomatic of some internal struggle within you. Likely as not, it has very little to do with him, or with your husband either for that matter. Take another look at what I posted to you before:

Bear in mind that this is NOT a professional opinion, rather an observation...but I've noticed that sometimes "obsession" seems to stem from avoidance of an undefined problem or issue. The problem seems vague and nonspecific. The obsessive person focuses their attention on whatever problem is at hand....even to the point of manufacturing a problem so that there's something concrete to deal with.

 

I honestly believe that sometimes our more obsessive thoughts are leading us astray from whatever REAL issue is at hand that we don't want to deal with. Oftentimes, it's because we haven't quite put our finger on what's making us unhappy in our lives.

 

This is a question that only YOU can answer. And I'll be honest...I think you need some professional guidance in getting to the bottom of that. Because if you could figure it out on your own....chances are, you'd have already done so.

 

In the meantime, there are a few things you can do in order to get control of yourself. The first thing would be to get a depression / anxiety screening. You can talk to your medical doctor about that. Sometimes medication can help to bring obsessional thoughts under control. (And bear in mind....this might not really be "obsessional". You need a professional to diagnose that for you.)

 

You can also work at refusing to engage in the thought pattern. Sometimes when I want to break a habit, I wear a loose fitting rubberband around my wrist and give it a little snap whenever I catch myself in whatever activity I'm trying to stop. For example, I'm a Southern woman....and I have the tendancy to call people "hon", or "dear" or "sweetie" when I'm talking to them. Well, that's not terribly professional on the job.

So when I wanted to break that habit, I used my rubberband therapy.

 

The important thing here is that you're not allowing yourself to indulge the thought pattern. When you find yourself thinking about OM, you need to redirect your mind to something more constructive. Take control and don't allow yourself to wallow in it.

 

I would also suggest that you take on a new hobby, preferably one that helps you to feel good about yourself. Use some of the time that you spend thinking about OM for a better purpose. For example, if you made a blanket for Project Linus, you'd be doing a service to the community and learning new skills. If you took part in a walk-a-thon for The March of Dimes you'd be doing something healthy for both body and soul.

 

Try to focus some of that energy directly onto your husband. You know, 'Love' is a verb as well as a noun. Try to improve the active quality of your love within the marriage. The benefit is that after awhile, you might notice a reciprocal effect, where your husband is behaving in a more actively loving way too.

 

Finally, don't forget to use sympathy as a tool. It really will help you to unlock your more tender emotions. Allow yourself to see your husband in a more positive light. Look for the good in him. Empathize with him. You might even consider dragging out some of your old photo albums and maybe doing a scrapbook. The remembrance of better times will also help you to access your love emotion for him.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I sometimes think we don't give enough credit to just how very strong infatuation can be. It's a biochemical reaction that literally affects our thought-process and emotional response. It adjusts the chemical balance of our hormones. It can affect our actions, making us act out in ways that are sometimes inappropriate. "Infatuation" seems too small a word for all that!

 

I do believe that infatuation can be the seed of true love.....sometimes it grows, sometimes it doesn't. But IMHO, infatuation and love are two different things.

 

I think you'll find that your infatuation with this OM is symptomatic of some internal struggle within you. Likely as not, it has very little to do with him, or with your husband either for that matter.

 

I honestly believe that sometimes our more obsessive thoughts are leading us astray from whatever REAL issue is at hand that we don't want to deal with. Oftentimes, it's because we haven't quite put our finger on what's making us unhappy in our lives.

 

This is a question that only YOU can answer. And I'll be honest...I think you need some professional guidance in getting to the bottom of that. Because if you could figure it out on your own....chances are, you'd have already done so.

 

In the meantime, there are a few things you can do in order to get control of yourself. The first thing would be to get a depression / anxiety screening. You can talk to your medical doctor about that. Sometimes medication can help to bring obsessional thoughts under control. (And bear in mind....this might not really be "obsessional". You need a professional to diagnose that for you.)

 

You can also work at refusing to engage in the thought pattern. Sometimes when I want to break a habit, I wear a loose fitting rubberband around my wrist and give it a little snap whenever I catch myself in whatever activity I'm trying to stop. For example, I'm a Southern woman....and I have the tendancy to call people "hon", or "dear" or "sweetie" when I'm talking to them. Well, that's not terribly professional on the job.

So when I wanted to break that habit, I used my rubberband therapy.

 

The important thing here is that you're not allowing yourself to indulge the thought pattern. When you find yourself thinking about OM, you need to redirect your mind to something more constructive. Take control and don't allow yourself to wallow in it.

 

I would also suggest that you take on a new hobby, preferably one that helps you to feel good about yourself. Use some of the time that you spend thinking about OM for a better purpose. For example, if you made a blanket for Project Linus, you'd be doing a service to the community and learning new skills. If you took part in a walk-a-thon for The March of Dimes you'd be doing something healthy for both body and soul.

 

Try to focus some of that energy directly onto your husband. You know, 'Love' is a verb as well as a noun. Try to improve the active quality of your love within the marriage. The benefit is that after awhile, you might notice a reciprocal effect, where your husband is behaving in a more actively loving way too.

 

Finally, don't forget to use sympathy as a tool. It really will help you to unlock your more tender emotions. Allow yourself to see your husband in a more positive light. Look for the good in him. Empathize with him. You might even consider dragging out some of your old photo albums and maybe doing a scrapbook. The remembrance of better times will also help you to access your love emotion for him.

 

LadyJane,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. You have some wonderful suggestions here, such as using sympathy and empathy to gain my feelings back for my husband. We've lost touch with each other because we bacame so busy with our other committments. My husband did not pay attention to me, blah,blah,blah. You know, the usual pitfalls of every decade old marriage.

 

I have been seeing a therapist about 6 months ago. My psychiatrist started me on a anti-depression/anti-anxiety med. It really helped. I have been feeling better. But when my H's bestfriend (my OM) came to visit, our marriage was very unstable. Not my fault, though. He was very stressed out from work.

 

Anyway. I know that I have to work within myself now. Thanks!

I have to use the rubber band method too. It is hard, though, because sometimes, I actually want to be submerged in those memories!! And afterward, I'd feel awful because I'd realize that there is no future between us.

 

I'm going to impose on myself a 1 year of NC with him. Maybe then, I can finally get over him.