zenolith Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 My wife and I have very major marriage problems. There is no area in which we do not have at least one huge disagreement. We have two children and that is my ONLY reason for staying. We have gone to 3 different counselors for a few sessions after which the hard (for her) subjects come up and she refuses to go. Sometimes she says we can't afford it, but currently she argues up and down that "MC is damaging". The last MC we went to was so shocked by her whoring behavior during our separation that she told my wife that it was awful and wrong for her to be doing that, justifying it and subjecting our children to it (by not being discreet). That was too much honesty for her and now uses it to defame MC in general. She says that no counselor should make you feel bad about yourself. I think she just can't stand to face her shame at they way she acted. So, does anyone think my wife's concerns are well-founded? I don't know everything that this counselor told her and the counselor may have said something innapropriate, but I don't know how someone could call her on her behavior without sounding judgemental. She has (today) just begun to see a personal counselor. I've been going for 2 years now. Thoughts? Questions? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 that she's using every excuse she can not to have to confront, admit to and deal with her behavior, or perhaps even change it. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, anymore than her actions did. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Therapeutic counseling is not supposed to be 'fun and easy'. It's also not a 'feel good about myself' event. Counseling helps you face the difficult and emotional pitfalls we human beings are faced with. A good counselor helps you confront your behaviors and feelings, in an assertive manner. One of the most common reasons people drop out of therapy is that they get angry with the therapist. This is often mis-directed anger. It's funny that your wife did some things that were so damaging to the marriage, yet claims MC is 'damaging' She doesn't sound ready to confront the recklessness and hurtfulness of her behavior. She is still running from herself. You can offer to find another counselor and see if she does better with a new one. Sometimes a therapist truly isn't a good 'fit' with someone. But if she continues to drop out of her sessions, I'd question whether she really wants to be married at all. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 First of all you stated you were basically staying for the kids sake. Your wife has been saying that MC is damaging, which is a cop out to not want to either come clean on things or doesn't want to hear/deal with whats going on. So unless you both truly want to work on things I doubt a marraige counsleor is going to be able to help you. A marraige counselor can not do but so much, the real work has to come from you and your wife, and until you both want to really salvage things and stay for the marriage as a whole and not just for the kids sake then I doubt it will work. She also has to want to come clean and work on it as well. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Marriage counseling is only for people that want to be together and are willing to work through their issues.. You stated you was staying for the kids so why bother working on this marriage it is obvious you don't want to .. Staying for the kids will hurt the kids in the long run when both parents aren't in love and can't get along.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zenolith Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 I understand what you (jadestar and lilmoma) are saying. I should clarify (although it might not make a difference in your opinion). The abuse (verbal and emotional) and her recent whoring with multiple partners (at the same time) is something I can not forgive. But, when I left she exposed our little girls to these men (picked up in bars) and proceeded to teach them, by words and example, that women are "goddesses" and that they can "take power back" from men by using them for sex and money and then dumping them. So, when she tells our 7 year old, "See that guy on the motorcycle? When you get older I'll show you how to take his bike and his money and leave him with his head spinning" I feel like I need to be there to teach my daughters that men are not dollar signs with d**ks. Once, before I let her move back in with me, I went to her apt. (she gave me a key) and I opened the door and found her sleeping naked on the floor with a naked, recently married man who has an infant son. One of my daughters was on the floor next to them (she had come out of her room in the night apparently) the other daughter was in mom's bed with burning candles melted down the dresser. She will do these things if I am not there, but won't if I am (at least not in the house). It is disfunctional and sick, but I have to protect my girls. I can't risk losing my girls to her in the pro-mother-biased family court system. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I understand what you're saying, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. What she has done and saying is awful. However, MC can work, but shes gotta want it too. Shes gotta want to try. Do you feel she is willing to this? Do you feel this is something you can get passed? Her way of thinking is just warped, and hopefully someone can help her with that. As far as your daughter, she will probalby end up needing some kind of counseling as well if she takes to heart what her mother is saying to her about men/money etc. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodhubbie Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 MC WILL NOT WORK. This woman is sick and dysfunction. Sir, for the sake of your children, you need to get out NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 She doesn't deserve the kids with all that stuff she is doing and by what you are saying she does sounds to me that she is unfit.. She shouldn't bring men in her kids lives unless she plans on being with them!! We went through this with my ss the bio mom was whoring and bringing in different men and getting ss attached and it was doing alot of harm to him!! She got them attached to ss and when she did they was out of the picture .. SS lives with us but he would visit mom on every other weekend and we stopped him from going and she had to straighten up.. The other dad took her to court for the other child and he got full custody and she couldn't have over night guests or she wouldn't get the child .. You could get the papers to say that and then you could have control over that being done around your kids !! Tough situation and know how hard it can be .. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author zenolith Posted January 28, 2006 Author Share Posted January 28, 2006 Thank you all for your advice and understanding. I don't like to share this stuff. It is so humiliating and I know that is part of the reason she has done these things. This situation is so confusing and I spend a lot of time thinking about what is "right" or "wrong" for myself and our girls (regarding what I should do). My pride begs me for revenge, my conscience tells me to forgive, my friends tell me I am too good for this crap and our girls are just numb (mercifully, I suppose). We will survive. Link to post Share on other sites
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