Beautiful ring ... but what a waste of money!

[miserlychick]

All these girls complaining about getting a CZ, but I have the exact opposite problem!

 

After months of talking and hinting, my long term boyfriend formally asked me to marry him. In doing so, he whipped out a beautiful big diamond ring. I was shocked, happy and flattered as he slipped it on my finger. And of course I said yes. I'd said I would when he informally asked me months ago...

 

...months ago, when I also said I didn't need or want an expensive engagement ring and that if he had to get me something I would be more than happy with a good quality CZ on a gold band. Heck, I even showed him a few websites! And he clearly didn't listen.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love the ring. I am flattered he bought me one. Flattered especially that he obviously went into a mall and choose it. He hates malls! But, dude, I don't want a ring that is worth at least a month's mortgage repayments, and probably substantially more!

 

I'm thinking that, assuming he bought the thing shortly before proposing, we should be able to return it. Problem is, how do I approach the subject without hurting his feelings? I love him to death and I don't want to hurt him. I also don't want to undermine that manly feeling of bride he clearly got from giving me a fancy piece of jewellry and showing he can provide for his woman. But the practical part of me just won't let me keep it when we have much better uses for that money - uses that will keep us out of debtor's court! I'm just not sure whether it's likely he'd be relieved, or devastated. I am honestly having problems seeing this situation from this perspective. Guys, what do you think?

 

(btw, I *have* considered carefully whether I just feel this way because I am pissed off that he didn't listen to me. But I really don't think so. He does things I ask him not to all the time and I brush it off. But then, most of them don't involve thousands of dollars...)

[JayKay]

Well, I would just accept the ring and suck it up this time.

 

It's a gift and he obviously wanted you to have it.

 

But keep he needs to be mindful of the fact that when you are married you need to JOINTLY agree on large expenditures.

 

 

 

On a personal level, I agree with you; I couldn't care less about diamonds. I was given engagement rings twice in my lifetime and both times my immediate thoughts were, "What an eff-ing waste of money!"

 

My hobbies include gardening, cooking and home renovation. I don't wear jewelry when I'm engaged in those hobbies and I rarely wear jewelry to work (a habit I got into when I used to work in low-income regions of New York and Philadelphia).

 

However, people have it drummed into them from an early age that if you love a woman you MUST buy her the biggest diamond you can afford. And a lot of women DEMAND it.

Which I find depressing.

[slubberdegullion]

However, people have it drummed into them from an early age that if you love a woman you MUST buy her the biggest diamond you can afford. And a lot of women DEMAND it.

Usually it's the ladies who have been sucked in by the slick marketing campaigns of the DeBeers monopoly, so I must admit I find this very refreshing.

 

If it's a question of affordability - that is, if the dude went into debt to get the ring - then IMHO it's entirely appropriate to discuss the expense with him and make the offer to return it to keep him out of debt. But if he has the cash to manage this big one-time expense, then enjoy the fact that you've got a beautiful ring and make it clear, gently of course, that once you're a married couple, large expenses need to be discussed first.

 

It's pretty obvious that he wants you to be happy, so you're a very lucky woman.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Keep it because if you try and give it back it might hurt his feelings.. He gave it to you as a gift and if you didn't want it why you take it!! You took it and now he thinks you love it.. If my h gave me a gift like that even it wasn't what i want it ,i appreciate anything my h gives me and if i didn't he wouldn't never buy me anything else.. Suck it in as Jay said and keep it was a gift..

[bluechocolate]

If you think it is a beautiful ring & would be happy to wear it, then do so.

 

If you thought it was ugly, expensive & it was something you wouldn't like to wear, then you would have a different situation.

[Outcast]

Since when did guys buy rings first? I thought it was an anomaly. I guess the movies/tv shows where the men whip out diamonds as part of the proposing process have influenced people. If you watch the old movies, nobody ever came ring in hand.

 

Seems to me to make much more sense to do the asking and then go get a ring together so that everybody's happy with the ring.

[RainyDayWoman]

i remember hearing that engagement rings were originally meant to be a sort of insurance. if the husband died, the wife would have something valuable enough to sell so she could provide for the family he left behind.

 

i don't know. i know i love my ring though, and i am not ashamed to say it. i really would have been happier with something smaller or less expensive, and he knows it. i told him over and over, all I want is this certain style, beause if it's something gawdy or cheesy, i might not want to wear it--size, in this case really didn't matter. He just wanted to surprise me and got me a bigger one. and i love it, and i am not going to argue.

 

if he couldn't have done it, he wouldn't have.

[WoWaddict]

I would ask him if the ring broke the bank. Of course he says no, but I would offer to return it and get something smaller if it was too expensive. I do it all the time when my fiance gets me nice things, just in case. That way you can't say you didnt offer. But my fiance is a bargain shopper, and has great taste in jewelry. He bought me a beautful necklace when I graduated and an even more beautiful engagement ring. They look REALLY expensive, but he got awesome deals on both of them. Maybe its the case with your guy, but he's not as open about sharing numbers because he doesnt want you to think he's cheap.

[magda]

I don't know about the ring. But I definitely think this could be an indication that a lot of disagreements about money are in your future as a couple. I am with you - that money for something frivolous like a ring is much better spent paying debts. In a perfect world, people shouldn't even get married until they are debt free, within reason. I think a lot of women are proud of their ring in a "he loves me THIS much" kind of way, and that's fine, but I think some of us would rather our husband-to-be love us and show they can provide for us by showing some financial responsibility than love us beyond their budget to make a silly statement that they love us so much and are able to provide for us when it is not true.

 

Course, if he can afford it easily, why not.

 

I really think you should at least discuss money management together in depth before entering into marriage. Is this kind of thing he's going to continue doing throughout your life together? Taking a vacation or gambling in vegas at the expense of making the car payment, etc. Sometimes you have to live a little (money is for spending, after all) but you should be on a similar page.

[Shana]

Keep the ring. I'd be mad if you told me you did not want it.

 

What is a mortgage payment these days,?? On my house it is 2K month.

[Mz. Pixie]

You sound like me, miserly.

 

When I got married the first time, it kinda was a big deal to me to get the perfect ring. Then the marriage wasn't so perfect.

 

When my guy started talking about proposing this time, I told him I simply couldn't see spending that kind of money on a ring. He has excellent taste and I knew it would be a large expenditure. I sent him a nice e mail about it and explained why I felt that way- that I would rather take a nice long honeymoon- or pay it on debt so that we can build another house, etc. I also said I wasn't trying to upset him but that I would prefer a beautiful CZ set by a jeweler.

 

He considered it for a while and then did exactly that.

 

The best part was that the only people I told was my best friend and his parents. Everyone else thinks it's real and it's amazing looking. He constantly gets chuckles when people admire it and go on and on. In real diamonds it would have been around $10,000 but it cost less than $500. I would have become his wife for nothing but a gold band anyway so the ring doesn't matter.

 

His agreement to do this was based on my agreement that in five years he will replace the CZ's with the real stones if I so prefer but I kinda don't see the need.

 

I think you should tell him how you feel about it. Tell him sweetly and make it about your future and he'll be fine.

[7on]

My guy's point of view -like what has already been said- even suggesting taking it back will hurt his feelings.

 

I view engagement rings of a sort of like "I love you more than money" idea. If I ever find that "one" I'll probably max the ole' credit card for her. But I am a decent money manager so money is usually never a problem because I plan expenses way ahead of time. At least not a "I'm not gonna eat tonight" kind of money problem.

[hooghie]

Dis someone die for your diamond? Please don't help the diamond industry.

 

http://www.amnestyusa.org/diamonds/index.do

[hooghie]

to all you diamond lovers, please watch this...

 

http://www.amnestyusa.org/diamonds/d4.html

[csfong007]

Quit your belly aching and count your blessings! If all of us could have your problems. Sheesh!

[miserlychick]

But I definitely think this could be an indication that a lot of disagreements about money are in your future as a couple. .

 

Thanks for the advice folks. It's much appreciated.

 

I've decided to leave the ring issue alone, but take Magda's advice and discuss finances. Now I sit and think, this is definitely not the first crazy spending spree he's indulged in, so I can tell that money will be an issue. Better sort it out now!

 

To add some flavor to this scenario, we both have education debts, car loans, and now the shared mortgage. We are not rolling in money. The price of the ring would have paid our mortgage for a month or two and given us an opportunity to get nicely on top of things. Indeed, the fact he was saving for the ring (unless, God help us, he put it on credit!!) may be one reason why we've felt so short of late! I know lots of girls would probably think that kind of self deprivation is sweet, but I think it's actually financially irresponsible. Moreover, I'm somewhat perplexed that he thought I'd be frivolous enough to want such a costly twinket. Perplexed, and maybe a tad insulted ... but also very impressed with the sheer success of diamond industry advertising!

 

Stil, there is no point hurting his feelings or starting a fight. I think I'll approach things via a "we need to talk about our post-marriage finances" kind of way and see how we go from there. Maybe the ring will come up and I had subtly say I would be happier with something smaller and he'll offer to return it ... So, thanks all! I've gone from having no clue what to do to having a PLAN. You are wonderful!

[jmargel]

All these girls complaining about getting a CZ, but I have the exact opposite problem!

 

After months of talking and hinting, my long term boyfriend formally asked me to marry him. In doing so, he whipped out a beautiful big diamond ring. I was shocked, happy and flattered as he slipped it on my finger. And of course I said yes. I'd said I would when he informally asked me months ago...

 

...months ago, when I also said I didn't need or want an expensive engagement ring and that if he had to get me something I would be more than happy with a good quality CZ on a gold band. Heck, I even showed him a few websites! And he clearly didn't listen.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love the ring. I am flattered he bought me one. Flattered especially that he obviously went into a mall and choose it. He hates malls! But, dude, I don't want a ring that is worth at least a month's mortgage repayments, and probably substantially more!

 

I'm thinking that, assuming he bought the thing shortly before proposing, we should be able to return it. Problem is, how do I approach the subject without hurting his feelings? I love him to death and I don't want to hurt him. I also don't want to undermine that manly feeling of bride he clearly got from giving me a fancy piece of jewellry and showing he can provide for his woman. But the practical part of me just won't let me keep it when we have much better uses for that money - uses that will keep us out of debtor's court! I'm just not sure whether it's likely he'd be relieved, or devastated. I am honestly having problems seeing this situation from this perspective. Guys, what do you think?

 

(btw, I *have* considered carefully whether I just feel this way because I am pissed off that he didn't listen to me. But I really don't think so. He does things I ask him not to all the time and I brush it off. But then, most of them don't involve thousands of dollars...)

 

Will ya marry me?

[Touche]

I was in the exact same boat as you 11 years ago. And I would be concerned that this should start a fight. It shouldn't. I insisted on CZ in a gold setting. I wanted a honeymoon in Europe and we couldn't do both. To this day no one has ANY idea that it's not "real." I asked a jeweler once if he could tell. He said not without his jeweler loup thingy.

 

We had quite a honeymoon...wonderful memories and I still love my ring.

 

I wouldn't back down on this. This should be YOUR decision as well. You need to set the tone for how this marriage will be NOW. My husband didn't like the idea but I told him that it wasn't only HIS decision. He backed down and later said I was absolutely right. And it DID set the tone for our marriage. All decisions are made jointly.

[justagirliegirl]

Do you two own a house together? I am a bit concerned that you hint that you don't really know where you both are financially. That you don't already have a plan for joint spending and such.

 

As for the ring, never bring it up. It is about having good manners. It is a gift to you. Be nothing but gracious and grateful about it.

 

I am in a position to give lovely gifts to my loved ones and if they dissed my thoughtfulness, I would be hurt.

[luckygirlEMU]

If it's one thing I'm known for it's my love of tradition.

 

If you love this man, if you want his children and subsequently grandchildren, you should realize that this ring that is so hard to accept right now because of your finances will be an heirloom for so many years and generations to come.

 

You may want to give this ring to your daughter's intended, or to your son for his... or to your granddaughter. The most special thing in my life is that I know when I walk down the aisle, I'll be wearing my grandmother's diamond, given to her by my grandfather, who shared a love of a lifetime. CZ's are gorgeous (trust me, I am a total sellout for Diamonique's Ephiphany collection), but like they say, a diamond is FOREVER.

 

Realize that a diamond is an investment. I can totally relate to student loans and being broke and hating all the coupon clipping -- but that is how most people start out in life. You will survive this expenditure. I'm really glad you're choosing to keep this ring. It's a symbol of your love that will last a lifetime.

[HokeyReligions]

Congrats!

 

Accept the ring with the loving intention with which he gave it. There are some men whom it would bother if their beloved wore CZ just as much as it might bother you to wear a real diamond. His feelings count and he obviously wanted you to have this and if the expense is one way of him expressing how much he values you -- let him do it.

 

I agree that you two do need to discuss that in the future any large purchases should be discussed in advance, but now - enjoy your diamond and what it symbolizes.

 

 

I had a very good quality CZ in a gold setting that I bought for myself many years ago. It's still considered top-quality and I paid a high price for it and after many years of wear it just doesn't look as good as it did. There are tiny scratches on it (not visible to the naked eye) but that dull the look. I was not hard on the ring, but just normal wear and banging into things sometimes have taken their toll. My diamond, on the other hand (literally!), looks as good today as it did over 100 years ago when it was given to a family member. I had it remounted some years ago and you would never know its as old as it is and I've banged it around a lot! Perhaps if/when you have children it will be an heirloom that you can pass on to a daughter. Pehaps your fiance had that thought in the back of his mind too when he bought it.

 

I have some CZ earrings and some other bits and pieces of jewelry with CZ's (some clear and some color) and for some reason they seem to require cleaning more often than my diamonds.

[bitty]

Quit your belly aching and count your blessings! If all of us could have your problems. Sheesh!

 

I agree! If I only had that problem! He's mentioned proposing to me in the past, talks about us in terms of "when we get married." But it's been 6 months since he told me he wants to propose and more hints keep coming, but nothing has happened. Definantly be happy with it. It's something sentimental he got for you. I know what you mean though, it could come out of the quarter machine at Wal*Mart and I'd be the happiest woman alive because he took that emotional and spiritual step in the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't complain if he got me a real diamond ring either, no matter how much he spent. You shouldn't think of it as in how much he spent...you should be thankful that you have such a wonderful fiance that will take the extra step and get something not because he has to, but because he wants to. Appreciate it to it's full extent!