Is it time for me to give up?

[muta]

my wife and I have been marred for 23 years, and the last 2 years we have no sex what so ever and we sleep in separate rooms, I always show affections toward her and always tell her she looks good, give gifts and so forth, on the other hand she tells me that she had no love or feeling toward me and she cant wait to get red of me. she had been threatening me to leave for 2 years but haven't done so far. Every time I tried to kiss her or show some kind of effraction she pick up a fight or argument to get out of it. if I take to her on the phone she can be at her best but if we talk face to face its always arguing. I have explain to her how I feel but she tells me I don't care, and there will be no sex with her no matter what I do. lately she start going out to clubs and I started to go with her so we can reconnect but it actually brought us more apart, and lately she became more vocal and hateful toward me. I some time want to leave but I feel sorry for the kids. and she seem not want to understand nor want to improve the situations. Some time I feel there is another man in her life but I don't have any proves, I really ran out of an options. and she wont give me a chance to improve our relation. What should I do? Please help.[email protected]

[JayKay]

I don't know what happened in your marriage, but it sounds like your wife is very very angry and just DONE.

 

Without more details, I can't really give you any good advice.

 

It takes two people to repair a broken marriage. If she is not willing to go to counseling with you or try to fix what's wrong, I don't think this marriage stands much of a chance.

 

I think your last hope is to sit her down and take her hands, look into her eyes and say, "I will do ANYTHING to fix this marriage. Please, tell me what you NEED. I am listening."

 

If she tells you, "No way. I'm through with this!"

 

Then tell her she needs to get her affairs in order and move out. Tell her there's nothing left to do then but contact lawyers.

 

Maybe if you get serious and she faces the reality of divorce, she might be willing to work on things.

 

But you can't be wishy washy. It's sh** or get off the pot.

[slubberdegullion]

Muta, your situation is almost an exact parallel of what happened in my second marriage. I can sincerely say that I tried everything I could, but it all was for nothing.

 

If I were to be in that same situation again, this is what I'd do:

• Get your legal and financial affairs in order by contacting a lawyer and accountant. Do this without her knowledge;
  
• Once your legal and financial "ducks are in a row," tell her exactly what you've done: "I have done everything I can possibly do to save this marriage (assuming that's true) yet you don't seem to be interested in it anymore. Therefore, I've made arrangements for a separation. If you really and truly wish to be out of this marriage, then let's make the decision and be done with it";
  
• It's been said that an impending execution focuses the mind sharply, so if she knows that you've taken these steps, she'll be forced into a decision. She may or may not want to work on the marriage, but showing her a little backbone is only to your benefit.

I know, it sounds pretty harsh, but obviously what you're doing isn't working, so it's time to stop that and take a stand.

 

Good luck.

[uncool]

Dido on what slubberdegullion said. Only I'd have done it a long time ago. Run dont walk to a divorce attorney now. I thought my relationship was as bad as it got after 13 years and 4 kids and 2 months now without sex.... but yours takes the cake.

You see, life's to short to not have a soulmate that loves you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone if she cant stand you. Most of the highlights of an eternal companionship relate to a mutuality and Having a wife who loves you is important to your mental health. You dont want to go to the funny farm with your psyco wife do you? Misery loves company. Somewhere out there is the person that you really belong with.

Some sweet affectionate lady who divorced her psycho abusive husband is probably looking to share her lonely bed with someone like you who just divorced his psycho wife. With any luck, your kids are old enough to understand and not blame you.

[muta]

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart and I mean it.

My situation is I have 3 boys age 21, 16, and 5 years old. my older son is in college and he depends on me 90% of his expenses, my 16 years old just got a driver license and he ask me for a car almost every day. the 5 years is so attached to me some time I feel bad when I have to travel or go some where without him. my wife works grave yard shift and the weekend she works 24 hours a day taking care of an older couples man and his wife. And I keep the kids almost all the time which is OK with me. If I file for divorce my wife will bankrupt me and we own several real-estate together and only one is paid for in full, the rest we own money on. and I don't know what's going to happened if I file for divorce now, and she refuse to sell even though the market is good right now. here I am between her and her refusal and rejection and between the kids and there need and my investments. I am going to keep listening to you all until I get a clear picture of my situations and what might happened down the road. please keep your input I really appreciate all the good advices and thoughts. Thank you again.

[Curmudgeon]

of my former marriage of 25 years, to include grown and young children.

 

If you're in a community property state the houses can be sold and the two of you split the proceeds. As for your two youngest children, you will have a right to ample visitation if not joint custody or primary custody.

 

If I was you I'd be at least consulting with a lawyer.

 

If she's done, she's done. Why postpone the inevitable and protract the agony?

[Presario]

my 16 years old just got a driver license and he ask me for a car almost every day.

 

Now that you have much on your head, and a lot of financial responsibilities, can you still buy a car for your son? And a teenager doesn't want some old car, it must be a cool (expensive) car. I'm only 27, married with no kids yet, so I know nothing on raising kids, but... perhaps you could talk with your son and explain to him that this car would be an extra burden that you cannot take. Suggest that he can earn a car with a weekend job -- this would make him feel a part of the family team. For you, in turn, this would give a feeling that responsibilities are not only yours, that you have a life, and that you are not just a provider.

 

My dad didn't buy me a car. He even would not give me his car to fool around with my buddies, because it was his toy which he earned hard. I didn't blame him back then nor do I blame him now.

[muta]

I don't think I can afford it at this time, but if I did not buy him a car I feel that I have failed him when he needed me the most. Also If I divorced his mother that might affect him even more. I tell him I love his mother regardless what she puts me through. and as I mention before she gets very angry and vocal even in front of him and tells me how much she hated me even for the simplest reason and some time she invent the reason. I don't know if it's a middle age crises or something women go through when they get in their 40's, I read about it and it's some kind of emotional and physical changes they go through. and some time I hope that's all what's going on then I can wait tell she feels better, but I can't wait forever and she doesn't understand that.

[Becoming]

Muta--I'm sorry for the hell it sounds like you're living in with this woman. She's sure angry about something. Probably you're both just too overworked. You've focused your time and attention on children and work to the exclusion of your marriage, and, like a plant that needs water, it died.

 

Your wife's probably gone for as long as she could not getting her emotional needs met. Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for help as to what this means. Study that site. As JayKay said, tell her you really want to know what's wrong so you can work on the marriage. Tell her you understand you've not done something she needs and that you want to rectify that. Ask her to take the emotional needs inventory on http://www.marriagebuilders.com so you can know what went wrong and how to love her the way she needs to be loved. Share and compare the two.

 

If she won't do this, or go to marriage counseling with you, then you're probably going to have to consult a lawyer and after getting your affairs in order, ask her to move out.

 

Also, since when is not giving a 16-yr-old a car failing as a parent? That's BS! The best thing you can do is show him what it takes to earn a living in this world by making him work for a car. Also, having him watch his mother verbally abuse you is teaching him that it's ok to have women treat him this way. Is this what you want to pass on to him?