blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 My ex and I, the most recent one (the older dude) have been talking. After the whole thing where he attacked me when he was drunk, he voluntarily went to therapy for anger management. I ran into him a week or two ago at an AA meeting, he didn't even know I had stopped drinking. He still loves me. I still love him. I just don't know if we can be healthy together. Anyways, he's all into his therapeutic process. We were talking, he wants to pay for me to go to therapy...he knows a lot about my past, the physical abuse and the rapes and molestation, and according to him since I'm not financially able to pay for therapy, he wants to. He hopes that we will both make enough progress to eventually try again. I was taken aback. I don't know if it's an insult or a genuine gesture. I have a hard time trusting people, always have. On the one hand I think it would be a good thing, on the other I don't want to be beholden to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 He hopes that we will both make enough progress to eventually try again. hmmm...... So he'll pay for your therapy as long as he gets a chance to try again? He may not have put it directly like that..... I don't know. I don't think it was an insult & it sounds like a good opportunity but I think you will be beholden to him. Don't you? btw - what is that in your avatar photo ???? Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 There are few, few, few people in this world whom I would let pay for me for anything, and if this was an ex with a lot bunch of issues who was still interested in me it would motivate me even less to accept this offer. This just stinks of future trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 please see my thread on "is counseling/therapy a panacea?" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56352/ Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I don't think this is such a bad thing. Is the therapy for you individually or is it a recovering couples thing? If you still love this man, and he loves you, there is always a possibility that the two of you can overcome your problems. You do NOT have to be indebted to him because of this. Let him know there are no guarantees for a reconciliation and that you can both assess the situation after long term therapy. If you really need this for your own self-improvement, then I would say go for it, but right now during your recovery, being involved with anyone who was once toxic for you is dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 There are few, few, few people in this world whom I would let pay for me for anything, and if this was an ex with a lot bunch of issues who was still interested in me it would motivate me even less to accept this offer. This just stinks of future trouble. I agree with Loony 100% and would like to add that you both have your addiction in common.. right now you still feel that connection but when you both become sober and grow thru your sobriety you both will see that once the addiction was gone that you are 2 totally different people.. Give it 6 months and make sure that his sobriety sticks Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 , being involved with anyone who was once toxic for you is dangerous. and being indebted to them is even more dangerous... Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I agree with Loony 100% and would like to add that you both have your addiction in common.. right now you still feel that connection but when you both become sober and grow thru your sobriety you both will see that once the addiction was gone that you are 2 totally different people.. Give it 6 months and make sure that his sobriety sticks But shouldn't she take advantage of the free therapy for her own well-being?? I can see the danger of it, I can, but this is therapy she otherwise could not afford. Recovery from addiction is immensely hard, and otter needs all the support she can get. It's a double edge sword, I suppose. Is there a middle ground we're not seeing, or is it better to tell otter that she will have to do without the support of a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 But shouldn't she take advantage of the free therapy for her own well-being?? Alcoholics by their very nature are self centered and controlling.. His offer is not being born out of genuine concern for her.. It's all about control.. Be guaranteed that if they got into a squabble the VERY FIRST thing he would threaten is to not pay for her therapy and he will use that to control her.. and if they would break up then he would say " Look what I have done for you "" I paid for your therapy when I didn't have to " Otter would be better served in the long run by waiting to see if his addiction issues are under control first.. then if he is fixing himself his offer for therapy might be true and genuine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 If it is a genuine offer, no strings attached then yes, seriously consider this offer for him to pay for your therapy. But, if there is a catch involved, an IOU or later on he's going to expect something from you, then just be careful. Therapy will do you so much good B_O and I do think you should go. Talk to him and find out 100% for sure what his intentions are though. I'd hate it if all of sudden he decided to play the control game with you because he's paying for your therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 But shouldn't she take advantage of the free therapy for her own well-being?? I can see the danger of it, I can, but this is therapy she otherwise could not afford. Recovery from addiction is immensely hard, and otter needs all the support she can get. It's a double edge sword, I suppose. Is there a middle ground we're not seeing, or is it better to tell otter that she will have to do without the support of a therapist. I see it more as jumping from one addiction to the next one. Her new addiction will be her dependency on this guy to fix her problem. Let's all just not forget who this guy is. She posted enough about him in her post to give us an idea how his alter ego can be. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 But shouldn't she take advantage of the free therapy for her own well-being?? nope, not if she has to stay in contact with someone who has proven to be bad for her.... otter needs all the support she can get. she does need support, but not from this dude...he'll only drag her down eventually. Is there a middle ground we're not seeing, we can take up a collection for otter's therapy...why don't you administer it LONESTAR. just start PMing everyone for donations. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 we can take up a collection for otter's therapy...why don't you administer it LONESTAR. just start PMing everyone for donations. Therapy costs up to $100 per session every week for an indefinite period of time. I don't think we could support her. Sorry to talk about you in the third person, otter Have you looked into any local town or city mental health clinics that provide therapy on a sliding scale? Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 she does need support, but not from this dude...he'll only drag her down eventually. And you are right on this. I quit smoking numerous times when I was with my ex only to start smoking again after he f*cked with my head. okay, bad idea on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 btw - what is that in your avatar photo ???? A chastity belt. This isn't conditional on us getting back together. I don't know if I even want to with so much water under the bridge, so to speak. I've been to the hospital for therapy on a sliding scale. It sucked. I got student counselors who were not really experienced enough to deal with my issues. The effing THERAPIST would get "overwhelmed" by me...so the cheaper option has already been explored. At least in my county. There is free crisis counseling but they always tell me I need "serious work" and blah blah blah. Student therapists get freaked out by me. This offer was for individual counseling. He said that he feels like obligated to help me out because I can't do this for myself right now. My parents are tapped out, they've paid for 4 years of therapy out of pocket, 3 years I had insurance. Honestly I really want to do the EMDR treatment for people with PTSD. I've been wanting to do it for like 18 months now. Or so. So part of me is like a little kid just wanting to take the offer, the other part doesn't trust anyone. Thing is, I have no trustworthy instincts in that regard. I don't trust anyone, as a rule, not even myself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Then get in writing, with a witness, that he can help you because he wants to see you get better - That is all. Your wellness, getting better and improvement is his reward. Other than that, no strings attached. He can't come to you in xx amount of years and expect you to be with him again or anything else. Just something to think about... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 Hmmm...I was thinking, get it in writing, but that could cause issues as well. Just because you sign something.... Anyways, part of me thinks that he just wants to do SOMETHING. He often felt helpless in the face of my nameless rage and self-destructive behaviors. He is a very results-oriented person, he's a carpenter. In many ways I think that's how he thinks about the world. As if it's logical. And he is frustrated when it obviously isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Hmmm...I was thinking, get it in writing, but that could cause issues as well. Just because you sign something.... Anyways, part of me thinks that he just wants to do SOMETHING. He often felt helpless in the face of my nameless rage and self-destructive behaviors. He is a very results-oriented person, he's a carpenter. In many ways I think that's how he thinks about the world. As if it's logical. And he is frustrated when it obviously isn't. I see your point, I guess there are always loop holes...Look into it, do some research on how to do this properly. Do you know any lawyers personally? Any family member/friend who knows someone to help you out with this? It's nice that he wants to do something, but as long as it is for the right reasons and not a way of controlling you or getting you back. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 A chastity belt. Never in a million years would I have guessed (at least not from the photo). If he was genuine & didn't want you to be obligated he could go to the therapist, pay for some sessions & have them call you. I guess like buying a gift certificate from your local therapy centre! I don't know about this. It does sound like a good opportunity, but you know what they say? If it's too good to be true.... But you're the only one who knows this guy. Is this the kind of generous thing he does? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 He was never controlling. He and I are guilty of the same things. Using together, and trying to "fix" the other person. Once the incident happened he stopped drinking and sought therapy on his own. He was freaked out too. I suppose, from how he talks, that he's excited about his own therapeutic process. I dunno. I'm ambivalent. ABout everything... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 If he was genuine & didn't want you to be obligated he could go to the therapist, pay for some sessions & have them call you. I guess like buying a gift certificate from your local therapy centre! I don't know about this. It does sound like a good opportunity, but you know what they say? If it's too good to be true.... But you're the only one who knows this guy. Is this the kind of generous thing he does? This is what he offered to do, actually. He goes to this one place for anger management, and substance abuse conseling. He said he would pay for me to go to 2-3 months worth of sessions through them, but I would go on my own. I told him NO COUPLES THERAPY. He is generous, I think. He was always that way with me when we were together. He's overly giving, like me. It was hilarious when we were together, how we would argue about me giving him too much and him giving me too much. He has this idea that we are cosmically linked and somehow fate "meant" for us to be together, because when he was a child, he had an imaginary friend who shared my last name (which is not a common last name), who disappeared around the time I was born. He's all into the whole idea of soulmates and past lives. So according to him it is what has happened to us each individually in this life is what is preventing us from being together, and that we should work to overcome our hangups separately, and barring those, everything should be peachy. I'm skeptical. Between the two of us I am more practical. Which is hilarious in and of itself. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 He has this idea that we are cosmically linked and somehow fate "meant" for us to be together, because when he was a child, he had an imaginary friend who shared my last name (which is not a common last name), who disappeared around the time I was born. He's all into the whole idea of soulmates and past lives. So according to him it is what has happened to us each individually in this life is what is preventing us from being together, and that we should work to overcome our hangups separately, and barring those, everything should be peachy. Yes well,....... I'm skeptical. I would be to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 Mystical hippie s***. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 As much as I need therapy I don't think I'll take him up on the offer. I'll stay as I am for now. I am struggling, but I just think it would be a bad idea. I feel like I'm still in a relationship with him. Even though I'm not. We talk, we argue like we're dating. I can't move on as long as I talk to him. I am angry at myself for not doing NC. It would be so much easier if I did. I just get to deal with the being sick to my stomach and getting pissed off every time I talk to him. Maybe it's a good thing I don't do NC, because if left to my own devices I romanticize what we had. But it wasn't a good relationship. Never was. I've never had a good relationship. I don't even know how to act in one. I wouldn't know what to do with a good man if he fell into my lap. Well...besides the obvious, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 I feel like I'm still in a relationship with him. Even though I'm not. We talk, we argue like we're dating. I can't move on as long as I talk to him. I am angry at myself for not doing NC. It would be so much easier if I did. I hear you, otter. Which is why I get so annoyed when my ex contacts me. I just get to deal with the being sick to my stomach and getting pissed off every time I talk to him. Maybe it's a good thing I don't do NC, because if left to my own devices I romanticize what we had. But it wasn't a good relationship. Never was. I've never had a good relationship. I don't even know how to act in one. I wouldn't know what to do with a good man if he fell into my lap. Well...besides the obvious, of course. Humans tend to forget the bad and remember only the good over time. You look back and say "hey that wasn't so bad, remember the time we..." I don't think I've ever had a good relationship myself, and it sucks. I've come a long way from the f*ck up I was as a kid, but I'm still batting zero with men. I think as you work your way farther through your recovery, your relationships with other people will improve. I've decided to focus on me, my children, and my friends for awhile now. I'm afraid of another relationship, because I don't want to make any more wrong choices, and the sh*t that's been happening with my ex now has me all screwed up. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do and I HATE HATE HATE being put in this position. Sorry to vent in your thread Link to post Share on other sites
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