A Social Experiment

[Nur]

How would six weeks of no physical intimacy (besides what's between normal friends) affect a relationship?

 

The other day my boyfriend and I were joking around and wondered this. We figured we'd try it, just to see. We've been dating seven months, and see each other only on weekends.

 

The rules are that we can spend time together, talk about anything we want, but cannot have any physical contact besides the occasional hug. Just what friends do.

 

We're wondering how this will affect our relationship. Will we grow closer, since we can strengthen our emotional bond? Will the spark between us fade with neglect? Will we somehow become friends if we act like them?

 

Physical intimacy releases a flow of hormones and chemicals into the brain; we're curious what affect removing these will have on our feelings.

 

I don't even know if we'll last that long, but it might be interesting to try. Any predictions?

[loony]

That's one of the funniest things I read on LS, gotta tag this one.

[whichwayisup]

Interesting experiment! I don't think I could do that. I mean if you two hadn't had sex yet, then OK...But I'm assuming that you've had sex with him. That in itself will be difficult (was gonna say hard) to be around eachother without allowing the physical stuff to happen.

 

Good luck though!

 

And don't worry, it won't lead to you two breaking up, especially if this is a choice you both are making. Though, if one party is starting to go insane and doesn't wanna play the game anymore, the other person has to give in...

[JadeStar]

I'm not sure what the point of this experiment would be? Was this a mutual thing, or was it more one sided than the other?

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[RainyDayWoman]

it sounds like maybe what you're really trying to do is find out if there's legitimately something more than friends. otherwise, i don't know why people in a happy, satisfying relationship would do this.

 

but good luck.

[lilmoma1973]

it sounds like maybe what you're really trying to do is find out if there's legitimately something more than friends. otherwise, i don't know why people in a happy, satisfying relationship would do this.

 

but good luck.

 

I think she is doing a good thing seeing what else they have in common besides sex if they have already done it.. Gets to see how good they can get along and is it worth the time!! She gets to see how they connect on a more emotional level..

[bluechocolate]

We've been dating seven months, and see each other only on weekends.

Now if you lived together and/or saw each other every day then it would be a different experiment altogether.

 

My prediction - you don't make it the six weeks.

 

Are you & he allowed to masturbate during this hiatus?

[slubberdegullion]

This is somewhat reminiscent of a game one of my FWBs and I used to play. We'd sit across from each other on the bed (nekkid) and come close to, but never actually touch, one another. Proximity and words were the only available options to seduce your partner, no touch allowed.

 

I feel like calling her... oh shat...

[lilmoma1973]

This is somewhat reminiscent of a game one of my FWBs and I used to play. We'd sit across from each other on the bed (nekkid) and come close to, but never actually touch, one another. Proximity and words were the only available options to seduce your partner, no touch allowed.

 

I feel like calling her... oh shat...

 

Interesting and exciting !! How did it work for you Slub?

[RainyDayWoman]

I think she is doing a good thing seeing what else they have in common besides sex if they have already done it.. Gets to see how good they can get along and is it worth the time!! She gets to see how they connect on a more emotional level..

 

i see your point...i just find it odd, i suppose. i think you can tell if someone is "worth the time" when you are in an intimate relationship with them as well. i get what's she's doing, but to me, a relationship is all things; sex, intimacy, friendship, etc. and a lack of any of these things would constitute me to rethink that relationship.

 

but again, that's me. and i'm curious to see what happens as well.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I can't wait to see what the outcome is as well RDW ... Hope she keeps us posted to what happens without sex involved!!

[Tangerina]

I agree with Rainy Day personally, but I think that as long as you both are equally onboard with this it could be really interesting... however if it is kind of one sided it could lead to resentment or hurt feelings I think...

[Nur]

mean if you two hadn't had sex yet, then OK...But I'm assuming that you've had sex with him

 

We haven't actually had sex, but we've done almost everything besides (I'm not talking about anal here, just oral, etc.) and we "make out" almost every weekend. Last weekend we even tried a 69 for the first time.

 

Though, if one party is starting to go insane and doesn't wanna play the game anymore, the other person has to give in...

 

Yeah, we agreed on that, too. If one of us "loses" by kissing the other, then the experiment is over.

 

Was this a mutual thing, or was it more one sided than the other?

 

Well it started out just as a joke (I think he was angling for me to say something like, "Oh, no! I could never survive without your kisses!") But instead the idea sort of intrigued me, and I asked if he wanted to give it a try, because I was curious of the results. He asked how long, and we agreed on six weeks, the time till my spring break.

 

It sounds like maybe what you're really trying to do is find out if there's legitimately something more than friends.

 

Right, that's sort of it. I know that kissing, hugging, and other forms of physical intimacy release chemicals in the brain. I am wondering if the bond between us would be as strong or how it would be affected with the absense of those chemicals. Is the sexual attraction really the only thing that separates friends and lovers? If that attraction was not allowed to be acted upon, how would it affect the relationship?

 

otherwise, i don't know why people in a happy, satisfying relationship would do this.

 

If I wasn't in a happy, satisfying relationship, I don't think I'd dare try it. Only because I have a fair amount of confidence in our bond do I want to give this a shot; otherwise it'd just be too risky or possibly hurtful if we didn't have any foundation to work off of.

 

My prediction - you don't make it the six weeks.

Are you & he allowed to masturbate during this hiatus?

 

Masturbation is allowed. Only what happens between us is changed, not what we do when alone. I think we *might* make it six weeks, just because both of us are really stubborn and we know the time frame is limited. I think if it were an unlimited time frame, either one of us would give in quickly or the relationship would deteriorate (after all, wouldn't you get sick of waiting for three or four months for the other person to give in, and find yourself attracted to someone else?)

 

I'm really curious to see how long we do end up lasting, and if this affects anything between us. Ideally it will strengthen our emotional bond -- either that, or we'll realize the importance of a physical aspect to a relationship.

[bluechocolate]

Given that you only see each other on weekends & you've yet to consumate this relationship, then it's possible that you will make it through the six weeks.

 

I think the experiment would be much more interesting if you both agreed not to masturbate during this time either. Just imagine what the make-out session will be like after 6 weeks then!!

[Nur]

I think the experiment would be much more interesting if you both agreed not to masturbate during this time either. Just imagine what the make-out session will be like after 6 weeks then!!

 

Heh, either it would be completely passionate and wild, or we'd both be so used to not making out or being close that we'd be like, "Ah, whatever."

 

Somehow, though, I doubt the latter. He loves physical intimacy. He says hugs are his food and kisses his water. He actually seemed kind of depressed yesterday after we agreed to try the experiment... he assured me he wanted to try it, but he already knows how much he'll miss being close. I, however, was getting excited about the idea, because I think it sounds pretty interesting.

 

If he really starts to get down, though, and wants not to do this anymore, then of course I'll respect his wishes -- no experiment is worth causing him undue misery or distraction. But I'm hoping he'll stay with his decision to give it a good try, just to see what happens.

[RainyDayWoman]

the fact that you have not had sex yet is a huge factor which changes a lot.

 

i don't remember if you mentioned it in your first post, but if i'd seen it, my replies may have been different.

[Nur]

the fact that you have not had sex yet is a huge factor which changes a lot.

 

Really, how? Will it make the experiment easier, or more difficult?

 

I consider everything we've done pretty close to actual sex -- everything but penetration, pretty much, and our weekly make out session often last for hours. The bond and intimacy between us is probably about equivalent to a couple that has gone the rest of the way. I think it'll still be a radical difference suddenly not even kissing after that.

[Nur]

Okay, week one has been attempted (I'm counting this by weekends, since that's when we see each other). Very interesting results.

 

On Friday I gave him a hug when I saw him, since that was permitted by the experiment. He proceeded to stand extremely close to me, asking me for a hug every ten minutes or so. I gave him a few, then reminded him that the experiment said no more than what friends would give. He kept doing it, so I had to refuse and ignore him and go about what I was trying to do.

 

Strangeness followed. He began to hug my sister, trying unsuccessfully to make me jealous. When my mom gave me a hug (I hadn't seen her all week, and she was about to leave till late the next day) he glared at me. Completely out of his character.

 

As the evening progressed, I could tell that the lack of physical intimacy was already having serious effects on our relationship. Even though he knew logically that we'd agreed on this, he seemed hurt on some level anyway, like I was rejecting him. I couldn't stand seeing him sad like that (it wasn't worth it) so that very night we agreed kisses and hugs allowed.

 

So now, the rules are kisses yes, hugs, yes, as long as clothes stay on and no making out ensues. He still seemed disappointed yesterday, but I know he can last for six weeks without making out, and I am certain I can. There are only five more to go, and two of those weekends I'll have my period anyway.

 

Also, on Saturday, we had an issue arise between us (we got it resolved) so I think that taking it easy for a few weeks wouldn't be an all bad idea. If he gets withdrawn or pouty about this, then I think something's wrong. He should be content to be with me, even if we don't make out all the time. The ironic thing is that he's fine if we don't end up making out, or if the weekend just doesn't go that way, but knowing it ahead of time seems to irk him.

 

Anyway, this should be a happy medium. We get our hugs and kisses, but enough material to experiment with. I'll feel better after I talk to him today and know for sure how he feels about this.

[Tangerina]

I really don't want this to sound confrontational or like an accusation, but are you absolutely sure that he is with you on this one? Is he doing it because he really is interested in the experiment too, or is he doing it because he loves you and it is what you want so he is going along with it? It sounds as if maybe it is hurting him or confusing him a little or that he is not fully onboard if you need to police him, and it sounds as if maybe you are afraid of the idea that he might only love you for the physical side of the relationship so you are testing him to prove to yourself that he really does care for all of you. I am not saying that this is necessarily the case, but it is something to think about... why is this so important to you when it doesn't seem to be as important to him?

[Nur]

it sounds as if maybe you are afraid of the idea that he might only love you for the physical side of the relationship so you are testing him to prove to yourself that he really does care for all of you.

 

No, I'm not at all unsure that he loves me emotionally as well. I guess I am hoping that he'll find other ways to express his love than physically. I like sweet words or actions just as much, and though he does do that, it's a lot less than physically. The no kisses/hugs was too much for both of us, but I think taking a break from the making out might be good for us both.

[a4a]

I keep wanting to do this with my H., however I would never make it past day 2.

 

a4a

[justagirliegirl]

There are plenty of marriages like that and they last for years.

[a4a]

There are plenty of marriages like that and they last for years.

 

Well that is pathetic IMHO

 

a4a

[Nur]

There are plenty of marriages like that and they last for years.

 

Ugh! Well, that's depressing!

 

The only things that keeps our resolve strong is how wild it'll be after the five weeks are up, lol. Also, these past few days he's been much closer emotionally, like his outlook has altered somehow. In the very beginning of our relationship, for example, when I first went to college, he didn't call me all week -- like I said, his primary method of expression affection is physically, and he didn't realize what my emotional needs were.

 

I talked to him about it, and from that point to recently he's been calling when he has time. Now, it used to be that I'd never know when that was -- sometimes it'd be every day for a few minutes, and sometimes three days would go by with no word. That's what spurred my recent conversation with him. Though I'd told him how I felt before, he never seemed to really absorb or comprehend it until now.

 

Now he's made time to call me all week, and he plans out time that I know I'll be available and tries to work around that, like I do for him. He's even started making his bed, which he'd never done for eighteen years. This change has made me sooo happy so far. Before it was always a rollercoaster of emotions with him -- after the weekend, after being together (he's always so sweet in my presence) I would be euphoric, only to be disappointed by the end of the week with his unreliability and lack of organization. I always felt like he should make time to call me -- and now, after discussing the seriousness of the situation, and how emotional intimacy is as important to me as physical intimacy is to him, he's finally started to see the light.

 

I think five weeks of letting him get into his new habits is a good idea; then I can show him his way what my seal of approval means. ^^

[Nur]

And, you know, I've found something else kind of interesting. These past few weeks, when I felt like I couldn't count on him, I just didn't feel like getting close to him as much. I found myself making excuses to avoid making out, or not getting as into it when I did. I even started feeling dirty after going down on him, which I've never experienced before.

 

After figuring out what was bothering me, though, and having him realize that I felt emotionally neglected (even though it was completely unintentional on his part; he's just inexperienced) I feel so much better now. Having this core, this foundation, makes me feel secure and happy, not afraid to be excited or have every happiness made bittersweet, knowing it would only be temporary. Even though he's amazing in so many ways: caring, handsome, hard-working, high-moraled, kind, smart, and fun-loving (basically, as my sister calls him, "the perfect man") I know that this problem would have been the end between us, eventually.

 

But now, having this resolved, I begin to feel what a deep, loving relationship should truly feel like. I realize that you can love the other person deeply and be loved in return without being happy. But now... I am happy, and it's not just temporary or unsure. I know it won't be sullied by his constant lateness, or his failure to call, or anything else that makes me feel forgotten that is not maliciousness on his part, just stubborn habit.

 

The other night, though, with this newfound contentness, I found my desire for him returning for the first time in weeks -- and strongly. That little part of my mind warning me to hold back is silent, and I have no more fear to feel my love. I will give this some time, and tell him often how happy it makes me, and see how well he stays to his word. Then I can show him what happiness means.