A daughter and a Mother relationship?

[whichwayisup]

I'm one day away from turning 35 years old and my mom still treats me like I'm a young teen. I do know how to handle her most of the time but there are those moments...Many moments that it still does get to me.

 

She's recently really been pushing herself on me and it's annoying. I do love her and she has alot of wonderful qualities but the other qualities that make us clash is what I can't get past most of the time. The main problem is we are so different and because of that it's hard to spend one on one time with her. In a group it's easier and less pressure. I just find that one on one I can't get away from her and we seem to start off OK but then as time wears on we (I have to take some of the blame here) feed off eachother and it takes off from there. I get defensive (due to past confrontations, nitpicking, comments, her guilt trips) and then I react. She loves to be incontrol, tell HOW to do things, how to feel, how to live my life. I feel she doesn't accept me for me and I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I'm not the daughter she hopes for me to be. She's closer with my sister, I was always closer with my father (he died in 1993) and honestly - I don't feel the need to have a typical "mother/daughter" relationship with her. I'd like to be friends with her but from a safe distance. Everytime I open up and reach out I am the one who gets hurt, so most of the time I am pretty detached from her. I think she feels that too, which is why she tries harder...

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just venting here too...Not too sure what advice I'm after. She asked me to let her know what I wanted for my birthday. So I told her a gift certificate to a store I really like. My husband and I recently saw something we both liked for the house so that is where the GC came into play. This morning I got an email from my mom saying that that my gift card was a good idea and that she would LOVE to come with me to the store as she saw something that she thinks would be perfect for me. I got irritated right away, had a mini reaction to it but then realized that her heart is in the right place, and she wants to spend time with me. I haven't answered the email yet...

 

I want her to be in my life, but I don't want to be "mothered" anymore! I'm a grown adult and she still asks me if I have washed my hands after I pee! WTF? It's funny and most of the time I have to laugh off this stuff, but it does get to me sometimes.

 

Any comments, thoughts, advice is welcomed.

[quankanne]

say, "mom, I really do appreciate the gift card, now when I go shopping and see something I can't live without, I can get it right then!" and leave it at that. If further explaining is needed, add that the gift card will make all the difference when you do see that something you really want, but aren't able to get it on your own.

 

bossy family ... ack! Those are my siblings, and sometimes my dad, so I feel for you. Best thing to do is to just be very, very firm as you kindly tell them no, you're not going to do X, X or X just because they say so. It can be hard, especially if they're used to you being the one who keeps the peace, but it's something you've got to do for your own sanity. Otherwise, they'll drive you nuts by taking advantage of your good nature.

 

She loves to be incontrol, tell HOW to do things, how to feel, how to live my life. I feel she doesn't accept me for me and I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I'm not the daughter she hopes for me to be. … Everytime I open up and reach out I am the one who gets hurt, so most of the time I am pretty detached from her. I think she feels that too, which is why she tries harder...

 

stay the loving daughter, but be firm with her as you tell her that there are certain issues you will not be bullied or pushed around on. That you love her dearly, but you're an adult and expect to be respected as such. Which will hurt her feelings, but family members have got to understand that you aren't some little kid to boss around anymore, and that the relationship has matured to a point where the rules of engagement have changed. Even when it's a parent.

 

hopefully, this will clear the path to your future relationship. After all, she's never going have the opportunity to help better y'alls relationship if she doesn't understand what you want or need from her.

 

best of luck, and stand firm.

[whichwayisup]

That's exactly it. I usually AM the peacekeeper, the giver, the person who NEVER says no. So, slowly I've been building my confidence level and saying no once in a while...That doesn't go over very well and I get called selfish by her. WTF! lol. I know it's because she's used to me doing exactly what she wants and now I can't do that. I've put myself first more and my own needs instead of letting myself suffer and me be the one who loses out. Yup, it pisses her off and honestly, I am not as scared anymore. Maybe scared is the wrong word...I don't like to hurt people's feelings and I'll go out of my way so I don't. Problem is, I end up being the one hurt and that's not good. So, I set up boundries, she is getting used to it but still has those times when she can be in my face and make me feel bad. Funny how family, mostly mom's can make you feel good and then in 1 second bring you down to feel like a piece of s***.

 

Good idea with gift card, I will definately say that to her.

 

Another thing, I DO try my best to be kind about it and know that most of the time it's coming from a good place, though still abit manipulative... I can tell when she's being a b!tch or if it is genuinally from her heart.

 

Sucks at times doesn't it? I feel for you too! Seems you're quite wise about it and had alot of stuff happen to get to where you are now.

 

Thanks Q! You're the best!

[quankanne]

you're very welcome!

 

yeah, it's a booger being the one that "makes nice" all the time – eventually you start to feel like you're being taken advantage of! However, it makes those times that you do take a stand (or pitch a hissy, which can come in handy even if it is childish) more memorable.

 

your mom, my dad. I feel bad about getting after him because he's widowed now, but sometimes you've just got to say or do things so that they understand where you're coming from. Maybe it'd help if you think about it in terms of child psychology, where, even when you've got to discipline, you let them know that you love them no matter what. Daddy gets upset with me, but he also knows that when he needs me, I'm there for him much more readily than my sibs.

[ConfusedGal]

Just read the posts in Drama Queen Mother. You will see mine in there as well. Trust me, you are NOT the only one...Its a lot worse if you have an approachable crying drama queen for a mom... I can't tell from your post if that is what you have or if she is receptive to real adult conversation.

[kitten chick]

You might as well have been describing my relationship with my mom WWIU. My mom is overly emotional, critical, negative and over protective. She's gotten better since she realized that she has a problem but I doubt she'll ever really change. When my sister and I now call her out on her negative behavior she gets her feelings hurt.

 

I was always very unemotional (like my dad) and my mom and I used to really butt heads a lot, especially when I was a teen. (I'm unargueably more emotional now). The hard part is that I know she loves me and my sister and that she only wants the best for us. She's even been supportive of big changes that I've wanted to make in my life. She really would do anything for us and I think she's starting to get how badly she messed me and my sister up. So what are you supposed to do? She's trying to change, she loves us, she doesn't want to hurt us.

 

Funny how family, mostly mom's can make you feel good and then in 1 second bring you down to feel like a piece of s***.

I hear you loud and clear on this one. I don't think that they realize what they are doing and many are not really receptive to hearing about it either.

 

Like you I've really started to distance myself from her again but she gets upset and worried when I do that. I try not to take some of the things that she says in passing too much to heart but it's hard not to when it's your mom saying those things. I've finally decided that I can't live my life to make her feel ok. I have to start putting myself first even if it hurts her feelings and even if it means that I can't have much of a relationship with her anymore. I can't continue to let her be a negative influence on me or I will never get better and lead a happy and full life.

[ConfusedGal]

Just read the posts in Drama Queen Mother. You will see mine in there as well. Trust me, you are NOT the only one...Its a lot worse if you have an approachable crying drama queen for a mom... I can't tell from your post if that is what you have or if she is receptive to real adult conversation.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Confused and KC. And to you again Q.

 

I'm going to post back about this in a little while, I have tons of thoughts in my head and just need to think abit before I post it. lol. (I got my P today so I'm not feeling 100% plus got some nice anxiety as well so motivation isn't my game today! )

[hotgurl]

I am having issues with my mom as well. She is so negative and has a martar complex it drives me up a wall.

 

I was over there and the first thing she said is I don't like your hair and she said it like 20 more times, eventhough I told her I liked i t and that's what mattered.

 

Then is was how my bf is never going to marry me I am not tkaing big enough steps to lose weight. How the house was the wrong decision to make.

 

grrr... lets send them all to an island somehwere

[whichwayisup]

Its a lot worse if you have an approachable crying drama queen for a mom... I can't tell from your post if that is what you have or if she is receptive to real adult conversation.

 

Confused, she's big on the guilt thing. Try to make me feel like s*** and she loves to pull the "I feel sorry for myself act" which won't work with me. She's an adult, she should act like it.

My mom is overly emotional, critical, negative and over protective

 

KC, I know. Same thing here. I'm 35 now and she treats me like I'm a little kid. I don't need to be "mothered" anymore. She is my mother, I think she should support me...Not put me down, or tell me how to hold my fork, or tell me my hair is too long, do this and that with it. GRRRRRR...But I try my best NOT to allow that s*** to get to me. (PMS days don't count!LOL!)

 

She is so negative and has a martar complex it drives me up a wall.

 

I was over there and the first thing she said is I don't like your hair and she said it like 20 more times, eventhough I told her I liked i t and that's what mattered.

 

Then is was how my bf is never going to marry me I am not tkaing big enough steps to lose weight. How the house was the wrong decision to make.

 

HG. I KNOW!! WTF is with that martar act??? While I was getting my haircut today the hairdresser and I were talking about that exact thing. Moms who love to put their kids down later in life. Know why? Cuz they are not happy, I mean, why else would someone want to hurt someone on purpose??? It's a reflection of what's going on inside of her, so really it's not about ME. Though, she tries to make it out to be...

 

Oh yeah, just FYI...My mom did NOT call me yesterday on my birthday! How the F could a mother (especially one like mine) NOT call their daughter on their birthday?? Did she forget? Is she pissed at me?? I don't know...But, tomorrow we're having a family gathering at her house, so I'll be giving an update ALL about this. Not too sure what to think/feel or say...Yesterday I just let it roll on by, it wasn't going to ruin my day...But today, she STILL has not called...So, it makes me wonder. Chances are I'm going to downplay this, file it and if need be, use it in the future...(What an ace in the hole eh?) I'm sure she will say sorry, and ofcourse, I will forgive her. I don't hold grudges and I really don't want to get into a fight with her because somehow she'll turn it around and make it MY fault, when infact SHE was the one who forgot MY birthday!!

[ConfusedGal]

Speaking of moms again, this weekend I AGAIN has such a bad experience. My folks are originially from India (been in the US like 35 years.) My husband was raised in India also and his folks are there. So my mom and dad started this huge thing about "How people from India are sooo dishonest, and corrupt and the entire place is terrible and the people are terrible." (They think they are "cleansed" now that they have been here so long.) Obviusly, my husband was pissed. I mean, he is FROM there and his family IS there. So anyways, we were at their place, and we left, cause my husband told me he would rather leave than start fighting... So later on on te phone, I had the guts to actually tell my mom that what they said was wicked rude. So my mom ALWAYSSSSSS just blames my Dad!!! She is like "Oh I didnt say anything. He did!" Give me a break! And you cant get MAD at her. You have to explain things to her all sweetly like a 3 year old child, or else she is "insulted." My husbad cant do this cause he says I am an adult, not a kid. So I am always stuck in the middle of this. I hate this stuff. I am really trying to get my husband to move away from the state or I will forever be divided...