Yet another thread about girlfriend and porn issues...

[littlepiggy1]

I just went through a situation with my girlfriend. Basically, she doesn't want me to look at porn.

 

Now, there's some background to this. We've been going out a year and a half now. When we first started going out, I remember the subject came up. She asked me if I looked at porn and I said, yeah. I like looking at and masturbating to porn now and then. She seemed okay with it, because she told me she knows that guys generally do that.

 

Flashforward about 7-8 months. She reveals to me that she's insecure about herself, particularly her appearence. She is beautiful, though. She's in no way ugly and has nothing to be ashamed of about herself. But she feels that she can't compare to the fake "fantasy" women in magazines and so on (not that porn people are necessarily that attractive, but I digress).

 

At the time it wasn't porn that bugged her, but something else. I've long been into comics/graphic novels, fantasy art, some erotic art, Heavy Metal magazine, things like that. I also draw and would tend to draw similar style art. Naturally, I draw stylized females. Something else that had happened too, was that I'd lamented not having a calendar, so my mom (yes, my mom) buys me a swimsuit calendar. My mom's just like that, don't ask.

 

So she reveals to me that she's insecure. What happened was she also said that because I "surround myself" with idealized beauty like that, it means that that's what I want. That she can't compare. The calendar in particular seemed to bother her, so I took it down.

 

Now I tried in vain to explain that there is a huge difference between real-world and fictional stuff like in art, magazines, etc. But because she already feels insecure about her appearance, she compares herself to those people and is hurt by the fact that I look at them.

 

Since then, her insecurity has popped up at random times and sometimes over innocuous things. For example, we were in a video store and talked about seeing the movie Inside Deep Throat, the docu about that famous porn film. She was upset because to her, I just wanted to watch porn. She admitted it was irrational and she doesn't want to feel that way. But things like that have me walking on eggshells.

 

She eventually brought up my artwork and stuff. At the time I was using Playboy's as reference for some of the stuff I was sketching, but it really bothered her and she didn't want me to use that any more. So I haven't.

 

But then more recently she tells me that she doesn't want me looking at porn any more. Her view is that, I can have sex with her so why do I need to look at other women. As for me, I sometimes like I see other people having sex and masturbate. And I won't deny that other women can be a turn-on.

 

Quite frankly, I'm really getting frustrated. I feel like the rules of acceptability have been gradually changing the further we get into this relationship. It just seems odd to me that this is a girl who early in our relationship wanted to go and get porn for us to watch (yes she would initiate that). Or I remember one time we were on HotOrNot rating people. There I am rating other women on appearence and she's right there with me doing the same with guys. What makes it harder is that I really do love her and her me, so breaking up is hard to do. I know she doesn't want to feel this way (she tells me she doesn't like it), but I don't know what I can do.

 

One thing that strained our relationship is something I admit was my fault. I told her at one point I wasn't sure if I loved her any more. Now, I want to point out that this is both our first real relationship. At the time, the initial euphoria of the early part had worn off. I was left confused about what I was feeling, or rather what I was supposed to be feeling. It took me awhile to kind of realize that there are different feelings related to love and that I just didn't understand them. Of course, telling her that I was confused about my feelings and that maybe I didn't love her definitely hurt her, and it took quite awhile for her to start feeling confident about my feelings again. Toss her own insecurities into that, well, I can see how things kind of got messy.

 

On top of that, there might be some background stuff coming into play. She comes from a Muslim background. Now, they are extremely liberal as far as Muslims go and she was mainly raised in the West. But there's still a bit of a culture conflict. Even liberal Muslims are pretty conservative by Western standards. Like I said, though, she's pretty "Westernized".

 

And on top of all that, she's been having an issue with her own sexuality. She admits she's "bi-curious" and is feeling really upset over the issue. The problem is she tells me she wants to make out with another woman. Now, I'm in a position where I'm wondering if I can be comfortable with that. I'd be totally fine with her fantasizing about it, reading erotica, looking as lesbian porn, whatever. And truthfully, fantasy-wise, I find the idea of her making out with another girl to be a turn-on. OTOH, when I think about it in real life, as something really happening, I feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

She juxtaposes me feeling uncomfortable about that with her feelings about porn. But really, they aren't on the same level. Porn doesn't go anywhere. I'm never going to be interacting with someone from a porn movie, whereas her making out with a real person is entirely different.

 

Anyway, we agreed to see a councillor over mutual issues. Our relationship has been strained over that. It just seems like there's so much to deal with and everything has gotten so messy. Quite frankly, we both want to return to the early stages before everything got so complicated. But I guess real relationships do get complicated. It's just life.

[.....]

im going through the same thing with my boyfriend. In fact i sound exactly like your girlfriend, except for the bi-curious part...tried that, not interested lol.

 

i feel the same way your girlfriend does, i dont understand when my boyfriend could have sex with me, he masturbates over porn, over another girl. To me that is a slap in the face. It makes me feel like i dont do it for him like jenna jameson does. It also makes me feel like if he had the chance he would drop me for one of these porn stars, if he ha dthe chance.

 

i used to look at porn before our relationship, but i would find it repulsive to get myself off now, by looking at another man's penis. There might be something me and your woman arent getting, but i guess from our perspective we arent good enough.

 

isnt the real thing better?

 

actually just thinking about this gets me angry and makes me feel sick. I guess i must be insecure...but wouldnt he be, if i looked at 12" cocks to get me off?

[theantibarbie23]

isnt the real thing better?

 

Men are going to masterbate regardless of how beautiful you are, how much they enjoy having sex with you, or how much they love you. It's human nature.

[7on]

Men are going to masterbate regardless of how beautiful you are, how much they enjoy having sex with you, or how much they love you. It's human nature.

 

Yeah, I've discovered if I don't masturbate for a while I'll end up "wet dreaming" all over my sheets while asleep. And getting horny at random times severely diminishes. I mean if he does get at least every other day sex with his GF he shouldn't be masturbating. However, surrounding himself with porn seems "offensive" to his woman.

 

My suggestion to littlepiggy1 is to start drawing your girlfriend rather than playboys and such. Live models are better practice anyway.

[cygny]

i think it's pretty normal for women to feel upset when their s/o seems too keen on porn. lots and lots and lots of threads about it.

 

frankly, if my s/o did that, it would turn me off to him. i don't think i'd feel like having sex with him. it doesn't need to be rational. it's the way the emotions work.

 

so i think that you can either decide to respect your girlfriend's feelings, or decide that you love your porn more than her and break up with her. You could try to argue with her but deep down even if she tolerated your porn, she'd still think less of you for doing that to her.

 

it's pretty predictable that as the relationship has deepened that this would bother her more, IMO.

 

really how WOULD you feel if your g/f looked at male (not lesbian) porn stars as much as you are doing it with the women? I am really curious. would that bother you to know she masturbates by looking at another man's 12 incher? surrounds herself with pics of them and thinks about them, draws like them? would you be ok with that? genuine question i'm asking and i hope you will answer. would that make you feel the tiniest bit insecure?

[theantibarbie23]

I think what really bothers me about this scenerio is that she is making these demands of you but expects you to tolerate her desire to physically act out her bisexual fantasies. It sounds very one sided to me. What sacrifices is she willing to make for this relationship?

[Outcast]

I feel like the rules of acceptability have been gradually changing the further we get into this relationship.

 

That's because you got yourself one of those women who took you on as a 'fixer-upper' - you kinda will do but you need some 'renovations' in order to be her perfect mate so now she's got the scaffolding up and it's time to redo you to her liking. You can either put your foot down, tell her it's not your business to deal with her issues, and send her to a counsellor (councillors are your town politicians) to get over her problems or you can begin the 'makeover' so that you'll be redesigned to fit her parameters.

[littlepiggy1]

i feel the same way your girlfriend does, i dont understand when my boyfriend could have sex with me, he masturbates over porn, over another girl. To me that is a slap in the face. It makes me feel like i dont do it for him like jenna jameson does. It also makes me feel like if he had the chance he would drop me for one of these porn stars, if he ha dthe chance.

 

But that's not necessarily the case, though. I know for myself I wouldn't want to get with the women in a porn video. Sure, I like watching them have sex, but that doesn't mean I want to join in. There's a huge difference between fantasy and reality.

 

i used to look at porn before our relationship, but i would find it repulsive to get myself off now, by looking at another man's penis. There might be something me and your woman arent getting, but i guess from our perspective we arent good enough.

 

isnt the real thing better?

 

My g/f basically said the same thing. I think it's not so much that the real thing isn't better, it's just that solo masturbation is different.

 

Speaking for myself, orgasms with my g/f are waaaaay more intense than when done solo. But at the same time, it can be more physically exhausting to have sex with my g/f than by myself. I even remember one time expending so much energy getting her off, that by the time I was done, I was too tired to cum myself. OTOH, with solo masturbation I can spend a few minutes getting off, and then afterwards I'm not so tired that I don't want to move.

 

I kind of equate to (and this may sound weird) with going to the bathroom. You get an urge, you spend a few minutes taking care of business, you wipe, you go have a sandwich. Like it's another bodily function.

 

Now as for porn, again speaking for myself, I usually need that visual stimulation to get off. And face it, I like seeing other people have sex. It also gives me a chance to see things that I won't experience in real-life, like girl-on-girl, group sex, etc.

[littlepiggy1]

really how WOULD you feel if your g/f looked at male (not lesbian) porn stars as much as you are doing it with the women? I am really curious. would that bother you to know she masturbates by looking at another man's 12 incher? surrounds herself with pics of them and thinks about them, draws like them? would you be ok with that? genuine question i'm asking and i hope you will answer. would that make you feel the tiniest bit insecure?

 

Completely honest answer, it wouldn't bother me at all. She could look at, masturbate to and even fantasize about other men (or women as the case may be) all she wants. I understand that it's strictly fantasy and what happens in one's head is not what happens in real life.

 

I look at it this way: she's in a relationship with me, not with the men in porn or a fantasy.

[littlepiggy1]

Men are going to masterbate regardless of how beautiful you are, how much they enjoy having sex with you, or how much they love you. It's human nature.

 

I think that says it all. Every poll I've ever looked at about men & masturbation/porn, at least 95% of them would do it regardless of being in a relationship or not.

 

Some women just don't seem to understand this. It would be so much easier if those women could try being a guy for a day and vise-versa.

[jerbear]

I think that says it all. Every poll I've ever looked at about men & masturbation/porn, at least 95% of them would do it regardless of being in a relationship or not.

 

Some women just don't seem to understand this. It would be so much easier if those women could try being a guy for a day and vise-versa.

 

I plead the 5th on the above. I would love a woman who is open minded, committed, and monogamous. One thing I said to an old ex was do it at least 3 times a day. Morning to start the day good, quickies during the day for quick release both parties, evening to end the night (and settle all disputes)

 

How about for women, if a guy wants to share experiences masturbation and help you, etc... Would you as a woman be happy to hear that? Happy to hear that he wants you in more ways than one, shares deeper experiences, build deeper bonds?

 

So far no woman, I can find.

[cygny]

Completely honest answer, it wouldn't bother me at all. She could look at, masturbate to and even fantasize about other men (or women as the case may be) all she wants. I understand that it's strictly fantasy and what happens in one's head is not what happens in real life.

 

I look at it this way: she's in a relationship with me, not with the men in porn or a fantasy.

 

 

okay let's say you'd be okay with that. now let's say your girlfriend were to do something she enjoyed that DID bother you. for instance, she liked to strip for men a couple of nights a week at a strip joint. she enjoyed the attention and the power and the money. it was all fantasy and fun, she never cheated with any of them.

 

would that bother you at all? if so, would you expect her to give that up to spare your feelings?

[jerbear]

okay let's say you'd be okay with that. now let's say your girlfriend were to do something she enjoyed that DID bother you. for instance, she liked to strip for men a couple of nights a week at a strip joint. she enjoyed the attention and the power and the money. it was all fantasy and fun, she never cheated with any of them.

 

would that bother you at all? if so, would you expect her to give that up to spare your feelings?

 

It would bother me to see her flaunt her wares for the power and money. It also leads down a different career path, if you know what I mean. Eventually temptation may lead to something else. ie. bad day at home. She goes to work, guy offers $100 for other services; ups it to $500 then $1000. Or worse yet, "fee free" because ...

[cygny]

It would bother me to see her flaunt her wares for the power and money. It also leads down a different career path, if you know what I mean. Eventually temptation may lead to something else. ie. bad day at home. She goes to work, guy offers $100 for other services; ups it to $500 then $1000. Or worse yet, "fee free" because ...

 

 

well ya see? it does bother a man. and i bet it would bother most men.

BUT power and money are to a woman what porn is to a man. they are both narcissistic aphrodisiacs.

 

and I don't think it leads to a career path as you describe. many many college age women for instance strip for money to pay their college bills and then quit.

 

so, whatcha gonna do? same difference, to me. she has every right to strip for her own satisfaction.

 

should she have to put your feelings above her own 'needs'? or should you have to convince yourself that it's normal and doesn't mean anything negative.

[jerbear]

well ya see? it does bother a man. and i bet it would bother most men.

BUT power and money are to a woman what porn is to a man. they are both narcissistic aphrodisiacs.

 

and I don't think it leads to a career path as you describe. many many college age women for instance strip for money to pay their college bills and then quit.

 

so, whatcha gonna do? same difference, to me. she has every right to strip for her own satisfaction.

 

should she have to put your feelings above her own 'needs'? or should you have to convince yourself that it's normal and doesn't mean anything negative.

 

I agree that she has every right to strip for her own satisfaction and for her own needs. It is her decision, she is her own person.

 

She should not stop being herself, even if it means stripping for money. It would upset me but I have to be a guy and trust her. Even if she is married to me well she is still her own woman and make her own decisions. I would object definately and offer a compromise. I get rid of porn, she stops stripping outside the home. hint hint... At the end of the day, both of you are seeking the same goals? (if not the relationship is temporary)

 

I've met a girl at a gentleman's club once (bachlor's party) and she was in my class, she was embarassed. I didn't say a thing but I knew why, college tuition. Stripping is a way to get money. Emotions doesn't just affect the guys too.

 

If I met a girl who during college did this, I would still date her and pursue her. It is part of her. I'm sure she is like any human being, this is temporary etc... It comes down to trust, can you trust her not to fall for a $1000 extra service? When she comes home, she can be my porn and I get to touch!

 

I view gentlemen's clubs as temporary positions. I've said to friends that beauty attracts but after that what else do you have? 10, 20, 30 years from now. At one point both the guy and gal will have to have a reality check and relationship check. It is a compromise. If he doesn't like it, well he better step up and do something. ie. Income replacement, install a pole at home, provide it, get over it, or break up. She is her own woman.

[blind_otter]

To this day I will never understand how some women equate a solitary sexual experience with sexual intimacy with another person.

[jerbear]

well ya see? it does bother a man. and i bet it would bother most men.

BUT power and money are to a woman what porn is to a man. they are both narcissistic aphrodisiacs.

 

and I don't think it leads to a career path as you describe. many many college age women for instance strip for money to pay their college bills and then quit.

 

so, whatcha gonna do? same difference, to me. she has every right to strip for her own satisfaction.

 

should she have to put your feelings above her own 'needs'? or should you have to convince yourself that it's normal and doesn't mean anything negative.

 

I agree that she has every right to strip for her own satisfaction and for her own needs. It is her decision, she is her own person.

 

She should not stop being herself, even if it means stripping for money. It would upset me but I have to be a guy and trust her. Even if she is married to me well she is still her own woman and make her own decisions. I would object definately and offer a compromise. I get rid of porn, she stops stripping outside the home. hint hint... At the end of the day, both of you are seeking the same goals? (if not the relationship is temporary)

 

I've met a girl at a gentleman's club once (bachlor's party) and she was in my class, she was embarassed. I didn't say a thing but I knew why, college tuition. Stripping is a way to get money. Emotions doesn't just affect the guys too.

 

If I met a girl who during college did this, I would still date her and pursue her. It is part of her. I'm sure she is like any human being, this is temporary etc... It comes down to trust, can you trust her not to fall for a $1000 extra service? When she comes home, she can be my porn and I get to touch!

 

I view gentlemen's clubs as temporary positions. I've said to friends that beauty attracts but after that what else do you have? 10, 20, 30 years from now. At one point both the guy and gal will have to have a reality check and relationship check. It is a compromise. If he doesn't like it, well he better step up and do something. ie. Income replacement, install a pole at home, provide it, get over it, or break up. She is her own woman.

 

If it was part of her history, is there a future betwen you two? If yes, get over it.

If she is doing it now and you met, well get over it or don't pursue her.

[littlepiggy1]

okay let's say you'd be okay with that. now let's say your girlfriend were to do something she enjoyed that DID bother you. for instance, she liked to strip for men a couple of nights a week at a strip joint. she enjoyed the attention and the power and the money. it was all fantasy and fun, she never cheated with any of them.

 

would that bother you at all? if so, would you expect her to give that up to spare your feelings?

 

Again, honest answer, yeah, I'd be bothered that my g/f was a stripper. BUT, by the same token I'd never go out with a stripper in the first place.

 

But these situations aren't really comparable. Porn is not the same thing as working at a strip club. There is no interaction between the viewer of the porn movie and the people in the porn movie. OTOH, when it comes to strip clubs there is interaction between people, even if phony. You're comparing apples with oranges.

 

A better comparison would be if my g/f posted nude pics of herself on the Internet or something. I'd be okay with that, personally, depending on what level we are taking that two.

 

But I wouldn't expect my g/f to be okay with me going to a strip club, any more than I would with her working at one.

[littlepiggy1]

To this day I will never understand how some women equate a solitary sexual experience with sexual intimacy with another person.

 

I don't know either. I do know that men and women tend to look at the whole thing differently. For myself, it's not so much about the women in porn as it is about using the porn to get off. IOW, it's more about the masturbation than the porn. The porn is simply stimulation for the former.

 

I also see this theme come up a lot with women that do have an issue with porn. They seem to view it as them not being good enough to solely satisfy their man's sexual desires. But what is it about some women that they feel this need to be the sole sexual stimulation for their partner?

 

I mean, there's more to porn than simply naked women. It gives one a chance to explore all sorts of sexual varieties, fetishes, etc, without actively engaging in those. Do some women not understand this?

[jerbear]

I mean, there's more to porn than simply naked women. It gives one a chance to explore all sorts of sexual varieties, fetishes, etc, without actively engaging in those. Do some women not understand this?

 

Yelp! Opens minds to try new positions at least, gives the creative part going. My ex's like watching porn with me which actually stimulated her. I feel, almost everything in moderation can be beneficial.

[blind_otter]

I don't know either. I do know that men and women tend to look at the whole thing differently. For myself, it's not so much about the women in porn as it is about using the porn to get off. IOW, it's more about the masturbation than the porn. The porn is simply stimulation for the former.

 

I also see this theme come up a lot with women that do have an issue with porn. They seem to view it as them not being good enough to solely satisfy their man's sexual desires. But what is it about some women that they feel this need to be the sole sexual stimulation for their partner?

 

I mean, there's more to porn than simply naked women. It gives one a chance to explore all sorts of sexual varieties, fetishes, etc, without actively engaging in those. Do some women not understand this?

 

Dude, you're preaching to the choir. I've never had a problem with porn. And some people say, well the women who dislike porn are insecure, but that just seems a little bunk. Because I'm an insecure woman, Gawd knows, I mean most women who were molested when they were young are extremely insecure.

 

I've used porn to masturbate, and I've also used it to see weird fetishes, etc. Like, I would never actually want a fist up my vag, but it is interesting to see how they make it happen. Har har.

 

I'm curious about this, because thusfar I've blamed insecurity. I always felt like, at least sexually, I am a secure woman. But lately I've realized that I am just as insecure as the next woman, but for some reason porn doesn't bother me at all. I mean, if the guy was addicted to it (and I've known some), then that's a problem....but being a recovering addict, I intimately understand what addiction is, and that it's not about the drug of choice, but the use of the drug in general.

 

I mean, historically I have been insecure about partners cheating on me, about them losing sexual interest in me...but strangely enough porn has never bothered me. Hmmmm.

[jerbear]

I mean, historically I have been insecure about partners cheating on me, about them losing sexual interest in me...but strangely enough porn has never bothered me. Hmmmm.

 

I've never had an issue with porn, most of my closests friends even watched it with me. With their SO. I'm still friends with them. I guess with losing sexual interest can make someone insecure about their desirability to their mate.

 

With porn, well you can experience things without experiencing them.