Paulie's Therapy

[Paulie]

Regulars to this forum might know that from time to time I post here about ideas or thoughts that I have benefited from as the result of my occasional visits with my psychologist. I hope they are thought provoking to some of the people some of the time.

 

I'm so happy to see so many new names on here lately. I haven't been posting regularly for a few months, but still read almost all posts on a daily basis. I'm anxious to see the new site, and am excited by the growth and improvement of this site.

 

As a LoveShack regular, I know that much of the pain in people's lives is the result of loss. Loss in various capacities is a normal occurance in each of our lives. The pain we feel as the result of such losses is part of the normal grieving processes. It is important that we feel this pain, so that we can let it go.

 

We might grieve the loss of a friend who has betrayed us, a lover, or any type of material item. Because we live for THE PRESENT, and have HOPE for the future, we choose to grieve these occurances so that we can fully live in the present, and have hope for the future.

 

The problem is when our own invaluable existence is burdened by elements (our past) that now do not exist in our lives. We have feelings for something that is DEAD (at least in our lives.) This emotion is refered to in our language and culture as sentimentality, and in my opinion, is the most perverse of emotions.

 

The ancient greeks, as well as many great thinkers in the course of the development of western civilization (see Dante's Inferno) generally point to apathy as being the greatest sin. I agree whole-heartedly. However apathy is an attitude, whereas sentimentality is an emotion that we feel as the result of faulty thinking. The very definition listed by Webster's definition of "sentimental" is:

 

1. a marked or governed by feeling, sensibility, or emotional idealism. Resulting from feeling, rather than reason or thought.

 

Many of us "miss" old friends who may have deserted us. The reality of the situation is that they no longer exist in our lives. We burden ourselves with a longing for a spirit that no longer exists. In purely exestential terms, we have feelings for a dead spirit. Through this process, we serve only to deny our own infinite self-worth and spirit. Consistent with Webster's definition of "sentimentality," we are guided by excess idealism, and not rational reality.

 

Common in our culture is the use of the word "sentimental" to refer to an artifact that may have belonged to a loved one, or perhaps something along these lines. To the extent that the artifact REMINDS us of the occasion or person that we CHOOSE TO CONNECT THIS THING WITH, we are not actually being sentimental. We are feeling emotions, or feeling feelings for a person or occasion that made us who we are today, to a greater or lesser degree. It is when we view the object for it's own worth, and connect some sort of spiritual value to it in and of itself, that we are, in fact denying ourselves the reality that the object is in fact, A THING. People assign value to a thing because they choose to do so.

 

I recently sold a collection of fishing equipment that my grandfather had given me before he had passed away. I love my deceased grandfather for who he was, and he in great part, contributed to many positive aspects of what are now my proudest attributes as a person. In my eyes, the fishing equipment was an assortment of things, bearing whatever value I CHOOSE to assign to it. I'd rather sell it, and help pay off this car that I just baught, or better yet, take my 12-year old sister away for a weekend, and spend some time with her...hopefully passing on to her some of the wonderful attributed that I was so fortunate to have been exposed to by my grandfather.

 

I just thought I'd pass this along. I've become acutely aware of feelings of sentimentality in my own life, and have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no use for it, whatsoever. I live for the present, future, and for the positive elements that people contribute to my life on a daily basis. I try to have compassion, anticipation and hope. And yes, Tony...don't take any crap from anyone!!!

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

Your post helped me a lot. I'm so happy you shared it. I almost feel like I should contribute to your payment for therapy since I got benefit from it also.

[Artlover]

Hey Paulie, that really interesting. Having been raised by a woman who primarily lives in the past (where it's pretty safe, if you think about it), I am hyper aware of the dangers of sentimentality. In my mother's case, it's an excuse not to try to make herself happy in the present. By harping on all that went wrong in the past and all who wronged her, and at the same time highlighting the more positive aspects of her youth, she gets to avoid taking full responsibility for the present.

 

I'm about to move to another state across the US and have been living temporarily with friends. So I brought 10 boxes of my most important books/personal journals/computer disks/legal papers/clothes, etc. with me. The rest of my stuff: furniture/more books/VCR tapes/papers, etc. Have been in storage for the past six months. As it is, I'm not sure how I'm going to ship what I have across the country without paying a million dollars. So, I took the radical step of letting all of my stuff in storage go into auction. I can't tell you how exhilarating it feels! And I don't know many people who would understand. But I grew up with a woman who keeps EVERYTHING. Her home is a chaotic, cluttered mess, because she can't throw anything away and join us all in the present.

 

So, I agree with you Paulie 100%. Sentimentality is, generally speaking, an excuse to not move on with one's life. To be fully in the present and accept its attendant joys and challenges!

Regulars to this forum might know that from time to time I post here about ideas or thoughts that I have benefited from as the result of my occasional visits with my psychologist. I hope they are thought provoking to some of the people some of the time. I'm so happy to see so many new names on here lately. I haven't been posting regularly for a few months, but still read almost all posts on a daily basis. I'm anxious to see the new site, and am excited by the growth and improvement of this site. As a LoveShack regular, I know that much of the pain in people's lives is the result of loss. Loss in various capacities is a normal occurance in each of our lives. The pain we feel as the result of such losses is part of the normal grieving processes. It is important that we feel this pain, so that we can let it go. We might grieve the loss of a friend who has betrayed us, a lover, or any type of material item. Because we live for THE PRESENT, and have HOPE for the future, we choose to grieve these occurances so that we can fully live in the present, and have hope for the future. The problem is when our own invaluable existence is burdened by elements (our past) that now do not exist in our lives. We have feelings for something that is DEAD (at least in our lives.) This emotion is refered to in our language and culture as sentimentality, and in my opinion, is the most perverse of emotions.

 

The ancient greeks, as well as many great thinkers in the course of the development of western civilization (see Dante's Inferno) generally point to apathy as being the greatest sin. I agree whole-heartedly. However apathy is an attitude, whereas sentimentality is an emotion that we feel as the result of faulty thinking. The very definition listed by Webster's definition of "sentimental" is: 1. a marked or governed by feeling, sensibility, or emotional idealism. Resulting from feeling, rather than reason or thought. Many of us "miss" old friends who may have deserted us. The reality of the situation is that they no longer exist in our lives. We burden ourselves with a longing for a spirit that no longer exists. In purely exestential terms, we have feelings for a dead spirit. Through this process, we serve only to deny our own infinite self-worth and spirit. Consistent with Webster's definition of "sentimentality," we are guided by excess idealism, and not rational reality.

 

Common in our culture is the use of the word "sentimental" to refer to an artifact that may have belonged to a loved one, or perhaps something along these lines. To the extent that the artifact REMINDS us of the occasion or person that we CHOOSE TO CONNECT THIS THING WITH, we are not actually being sentimental. We are feeling emotions, or feeling feelings for a person or occasion that made us who we are today, to a greater or lesser degree. It is when we view the object for it's own worth, and connect some sort of spiritual value to it in and of itself, that we are, in fact denying ourselves the reality that the object is in fact, A THING. People assign value to a thing because they choose to do so. I recently sold a collection of fishing equipment that my grandfather had given me before he had passed away. I love my deceased grandfather for who he was, and he in great part, contributed to many positive aspects of what are now my proudest attributes as a person. In my eyes, the fishing equipment was an assortment of things, bearing whatever value I CHOOSE to assign to it. I'd rather sell it, and help pay off this car that I just baught, or better yet, take my 12-year old sister away for a weekend, and spend some time with her...hopefully passing on to her some of the wonderful attributed that I was so fortunate to have been exposed to by my grandfather. I just thought I'd pass this along. I've become acutely aware of feelings of sentimentality in my own life, and have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no use for it, whatsoever. I live for the present, future, and for the positive elements that people contribute to my life on a daily basis. I try to have compassion, anticipation and hope. And yes, Tony...don't take any crap from anyone!!! Paulie

[Dragonflys]

I agree Paulie that sentimentality is a very powerful emotion, and lead to tremendous pain in the event of loss.

 

However, I'm not sure if I agree with you that it is a bad emotion. Sentimentality if used in a positive way can drive relationships to even greater heights. When I engage in a relationship with someone, assuming it is going well, my feelings for that person grow because through sentiment I can celebrate, to some degree ideologically, my experiences with that person. I feel that such a powerful embracing of a person can sustain a relationship if it becomes imperfect to some degree. If I were to switch off romantic sentiment, then possibly every day would become a challenge as I compare my current person to other 'rationally' more suitable people that would undoubtedly come into my life from time to time.

 

I think a bit of romantic sentimentality has created a new, warm, powerful emotion that is more wonderful than anything I have ever felt in my life. But, again, I agree, it puts you at a risk for tremendous pain should that be lost.

 

I wouldn't have it any other way though.