Would you call this cheating?

[Mr.P]

Hi,

 

My situation is explained in the Second Chances forum, but basically what is on my mind is that my ex gf has a new bf on a LDR, she often texts me now that we are on civil terms after our break up. At the weekend she was holding hands with me over the bar where I was working, giving me puppy dog looks when I didn't have in stock what she wanted.

 

On Tuesday I said to her I may be moving to another country because of a new job, she said "No!, Don't go! I'll cry if you go!". I asked why she would cry and she replied "Because I'll miss you". I told her I'd probably go for a holiday first to see what it's like and she said she would go with me. She wanted to see where one of her "best mates" would be going to.

 

So really I have 2 questions:-

 

1) If your other half was flirting, holding hands with, and going on holidays with their ex, would you be concerned? Would you consider that as cheating?

 

2) Do you flirt, hold hands with, and go on holidays (just the two of you) with your best friend of the opposite sex or ex bf/gf?!

 

I do want her back, I don't know how to approach it but that's for a different forum lol. Just looking for another opinion than mine on the above.

 

Thanks.

[tanbark813]

1. Yes.

 

2. No.

[bluechocolate]

1) If your other half was flirting, holding hands with, and going on holidays with their ex, would you be concerned? Would you consider that as cheating?

 

Absolutely yes.

 

2) Do you flirt, hold hands with, and go on holidays (just the two of you) with your best friend of the opposite sex or ex bf/gf?!

 

No.

 

I haven't read your other post, but it sounds to me like this girl is either conflicted about what/who she wants or is messing with you. Neither situation is good, but at least one is better than the other.

[Pyro]

Everyone has differing opinions on what it called cheating. IMO:

 

1. I would call that cheating. I would never flirt, hold hands or go on a trip with my ex, let alone some other girl, unless she was a friend of mine would i go somewhere with her.

 

2. I don't keep in contact with any of my ex's. i tried it in the past and it never works. As for my female friends, the most that I do is give them a hug when I say bye or when they need it.

[witabix]

1. Unequivocally, definately dumping time.

 

2. Nope, thats messing with someone elses head, and gives the wrong impression

[Mr.P]

Thanks Guys,

 

4 posts in a matter of minutes from 4 people who spend a lot of time on here considering your post total!

 

You all share my thoughts on this matter. I think I'll have to approach her on it.

 

She was talking to a friend of mine on Saturday night, he came up to me at the end of the night and said "Will you sort her out she's been talking to me about you all night!". What exactly it was she said I don't know, but I'll find out when I see him in an hour lol.

 

Her LDR bf is coming to see her tomorrow, probably best to wait until after he's gone home rather than talk to her about it before.

 

Thanks again!

[witabix]

Yea,

 

I hope he isn't the jealous fighting type.

[filarena]

She's definately flirting with you. I'm not sure I'd consider that a good thing. If she doesn't have enough respect for her current bf to either not flirt with you or break things off with him before pursuing you, how sure are you that she'd show you more respect?

[lilmoma1973]

 

She shouldn't be doing any of that when she is already in a relationship.. If she would do that to him what makes you think she won't to you if you pursue her!!

[Mr.P]

Basically I was going through a purple patch last year. Stressed out through working up to 6 consecutive 12 hour shifts a week, very often worked more than that, (record was 20 hours in one shift) and so when I got home I had no time for her because I was knackered and stressed out. So I hit the bottle to relax. This became common every night until I accepted that I had a problem.

 

During this we broke up twice, I asked to try again and she agreed but things didn't change they only got worse for me.

 

While we were together she was so very loyal, didn't once behave with anyone else they way she did with me on Saturday night, and I have a lot of trust in her.

 

We broke up again just before I left that company as she didn't believe it was through stress / work that I was giving her a hard time and she thought it was just who I was.

 

We are now friends and she knows that I've got my head screwed on properly now, and I've always got free time available.

 

I honestly believe if we were together again, she wouldn't do this with anyone else. Maybe she's doing it because I was so important to her (when we had good times together)

[witabix]

You could be right.

 

She has a bf now though?

 

That for me means off limits.

 

If she two times him with you that should show you something about her that you may not have previously been aware of.

 

My advice is this. Don't let someone 'flirt' with you who is taken. Don't step into other peoples relationships, no matter how you rationalise it, it is not a good thing to do.

 

For now she is with someone else. Back off and let her decide what she wants to do. If she wants you she will break off with her bf and then you are free to move in. If you do anything or allow her to do anything with you that would cause her current bf to dump her it may cause you problems down the road.

 

What goes around comes around, maybe.

[Mr.P]

Very true Witabix,

 

I'm well aware of that as she left me for someone else in June. He kept telling her whilst I was seeing her that he liked her.

 

Obviously this annoyed me but I didn't approach him as she was not interested in him in the slightest, she kept telling she would never go out with him. She was even happy to show me the messages he was sending her and she asked me how she should reply without being nasty.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I wish I did step in and say something to him when it was going on. As soon as we broke up he moved in on her 6 days later and she went in to a rebound relationship as his shoulder was there for her.

 

Personally I could not do something to someone else like that because I know first hand what it did to me.

[Wintersbloom]

Agreed. Romantic weekend in another country hold hands , not something I would do with a "friend".We have all heard "we're just friends" before. Dr. Phil said in one episode that man and woman cannot be "just friends”, especially after a breakup, without one or both thinking about getting back together.

[Mr.P]

He came to visit her this weekend.

 

She brought him to meet me and my friends today. He wasn't the best looking character and I got the impression she did not want to be there (all explained in my thread on the second chances forum).

 

Anyway, she said to me infront of him "Are you rich and famous yet?!" I am currently putting all my best efforts in to what could possibly be a gold mine success for me, and have been since we broke up. I told her things are looking more promising than ever for the rich bit, but not yet famous.

 

Surely this must have made a few cogs turn in her bf's head, because he is quite wealthy apparently. I didn't tell him she was flirting with me and holding hands with me last week though. Or the fact she invited me for lunch the week before, or wants to go on holiday with me lol.

 

I don't know what to do next................

[witabix]

Ok Mr P I will tell you then..............

 

Stop messing about with this guys head.

 

What has he done to you to deserve you doing this to him?

 

What are you doing engaging in this totally nasty head game?

 

Have some pride in yourself man.

 

You do not need this woman trying to play games with the two of you.

 

Neither does he.

 

Forget about her, she is a mind player, and not even a good one at that.

 

Move on, let her sink into her own mind swamp.

 

Toxic person alert.

 

Get on with your plans and your life, leave this person behind.

 

And who the hell are you to say this guy is not goodlooking?

 

If she didn't want to be there she would have been somewhere else, GET REAL DUDE!!!

[Mr.P]

Hey Witabix,

 

It was not my intention at all to try and throw the cat amongst the pigeons amongst them both, my comment about making the cogs turn is his head was not because of what I said, but because of the question she asked me.

 

I can understand by reading what I wrote how you jumped to that conclusion but that is not the case.

 

By saying she didn't want to be there, I got the impression she wanted to be around some other people and not with him, but seeing as how he was staying with her she didn't have much choice. Not because she was somewhere she didn't want to be, she just knew that we would be there.

 

And for the "not good looking" comment, my friend who I was with who is gay commented on not just his looks but his general appearance before I had even seen him. Wasn't me being self centered.

 

Sorry if you were given any bad vibes there.

 

Maybe I do need to walk away and not talk to her , it is messing with me. I want to tell her what she is doing though, to both me and her bf.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Witabix,

 

It was not my intention at all to try and throw the cat amongst the pigeons amongst them both, my comment about making the cogs turn is his head was not because of what I said, but because of the question she asked me.

 

I can understand by reading what I wrote how you jumped to that conclusion but that is not the case.

 

By saying she didn't want to be there, I got the impression she wanted to be around some other people and not with him, but seeing as how he was staying with her she didn't have much choice. Not because she was somewhere she didn't want to be, she just knew that we would be there.

 

And for the "not good looking" comment, my friend who I was with who is gay commented on not just his looks but his general appearance before I had even seen him. Wasn't me being self centered.

 

Sorry if you were given any bad vibes there.

 

Maybe I do need to walk away and not talk to her , it is messing with me. I want to tell her what she is doing though, to both me and her bf.

 

Walk away and don't look back she is being selfish playing on your heart strings like that ,and bringing him around is plain wrong just stirs the pot cause she knows how you feel!! Hugs to you Mr P for what you are going through..She wants her cake and eat it too and you are allowing it ..

[witabix]

Hey Witabix,

 

It was not my intention at all to try and throw the cat amongst the pigeons amongst them both, my comment about making the cogs turn is his head was not because of what I said, but because of the question she asked me.

 

I can understand by reading what I wrote how you jumped to that conclusion but that is not the case.

 

By saying she didn't want to be there, I got the impression she wanted to be around some other people and not with him, but seeing as how he was staying with her she didn't have much choice. Not because she was somewhere she didn't want to be, she just knew that we would be there.

 

And for the "not good looking" comment, my friend who I was with who is gay commented on not just his looks but his general appearance before I had even seen him. Wasn't me being self centered.

 

Sorry if you were given any bad vibes there.

 

Maybe I do need to walk away and not talk to her , it is messing with me. I want to tell her what she is doing though, to both me and her bf.

 

Ok Mr P, went off at the deep end there, no offence.

[Mr.P]

No Problem Wit

 

Haven't heard anything from her since Sunday..

[ThatOneGuy]

I agree. Go out and get some Grade-A Bitch Repellent. Should take care of everything.

 

Seriously though, I believe what she is doing is wrong. Not only for flirting with you, but for stringing that other guy along. This chick is bad news, I say ditch the country and don’t tell her about it. Just pack up and DITCH! If your really on the path to financial freedom, there are a lot of other members of the opposite sex that will gladly open their door to you.

 

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

[witabix]

No Problem Wit

 

Haven't heard anything from her since Sunday..

 

Cool Mr P.

 

Read what ThatOneGuy said, she is messing around with both of you here. Thats not fair and not cool.

 

Class A Bitch Repellent, now I wonder who sells that?

[Mr.P]

We spoke today, she was telling me about her new bf so after the call ended I txt her telling her that it hurts being told about him.

 

She said it will never work out between them and that I shouldn't be so silly.

 

I told her that the flirting she was doing was not helping me either as it was filling me with hope.

 

Now, back in March '05 we were at a pub and one of my girl friends joined us. That night I gave her a kiss, nothing passionate and nothing meant by it. My ex has never let this go. Now I am willing to accept that yes it was cheating, although I always turned my back on the issue saying she was overreacting because it meant absolutely nothing. Was just a friendly kiss.

 

She basically had a go at me saying how can I possibly accuse her of flirting with me, when I kissed my friend.

 

I had to agree with her, she was right. But I can't understand why she can't forgive and forget that, she has always held that against me, we were together for 4 months after that.

 

Now she has congratulated me on losing her forever, she said she thought we were getting somewhere and how wrong she was.

 

I'm stuck now.

[nicki]

Yeah, it can be pretty confusing when you are trying to figure out other peoples' mind mazes.

 

Just go with what you know.

 

She has a boyfriend. She says it isn't going to work out with him, but she hasn't left him. She is flirting with you. It seems like she would like to have an affair with you, and still see the other guy.

 

Who knows what she is telling the other guy. Probably that you and she are just "friends."

 

I wonder what would happen if you just told her to call you when she is truly available to date. Consider no contact. Don't be "friends" with her.

 

Some women use that line all to keep a guy on the back burner. Then she will flirt with him periodically to make him think there is a possibility for a relationship. Yeah, when and if she wants to...a woman who does that will do it to you later with another guy....some women need constant ego stroking and the security of several guys.

 

Go find a more independent, trustworthy woman. They are out there. Maybe there is one in that country you are going to.

 

I predict lots of good women in your future. Just not this one. She has already proven herself to be below your standards. Like a bad business deal. It's not worth your time.