proposing

[ursus]

I have a 'nice' problem - how to bring up proposing ect... My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 14 years. We started dating on New Years this year and I have since moved in to her house. I never befor thought of her as a mate until about 3 months befor we started dating. She is also a freind of (or former freind) my ex-wife. I am now also a co-owner of the house after long discussions with her. Most of this was about long term commitments. She has 2 kids from 2 previous bad marriages, these still have an effect on her. She has had a ROUGH time after the marriages and I think she may be afraid to get remarried. There are also some legal aspects for her(as well as for me, as I'm divorced and has one child that I have joint custody of))to being remarried. I love her and know she loves me. I think that we may have talked about getting married when we talked about me becoming part owner of the house 6 months ago but I'm not exactly sure. I wonder if I ask her if it would be too soon and she may not want it, then what happens? We also have purchased other major ticket items and are in debt together. We always talk about long term goals together, about the kids etc... I feel like I want to talk to her about getting married but then that seems to kind of ruin a proposal. The other thing is that we have a joint bank account and how would I go about buying an engagement ring without her knowing? She is also very conservative and believes in the old fashioned values - that the man does the proposing. Are these too many problems? I hope that somebody can offer some advice, particularly women.

[arthropod]

ursus . . . first time posting, so please forgive me if something gets messed-up or looks "funky".

 

sorry, i am a guy, but i do have a thought (or thoughts) on this. i've been living with my current girlfriend for almost a year now, and the discussion of marriage has come up many times. the conclusion that we've come to is that the institute of marriage is a GREAT one, but it's been downplayed . . . both by religion and government.

 

our basic thought is that a relationship between 2 people should be about that, and that alone. what are the benefits to the RELATIONSHIP with marriage?? now, i'm not in anyway trying to downplay the importance or significance of marriage, but it's something to think about i think.

 

so, why is there a need to be married in your case?? if you find the relationship to be strong, then what is the benefit of that "marriage" stamp??

 

these are just my thoughts on the topic, and you can think / do what you will, but this is something i've thought very long and hard about, and these are simply my conclusions.

 

GOOD LUCK with whatever you decide!

I have a 'nice' problem - how to bring up proposing ect... My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 14 years. We started dating on New Years this year and I have since moved in to her house. I never befor thought of her as a mate until about 3 months befor we started dating. She is also a freind of (or former freind) my ex-wife. I am now also a co-owner of the house after long discussions with her. Most of this was about long term commitments. She has 2 kids from 2 previous bad marriages, these still have an effect on her. She has had a ROUGH time after the marriages and I think she may be afraid to get remarried. There are also some legal aspects for her(as well as for me, as I'm divorced and has one child that I have joint custody of))to being remarried. I love her and know she loves me. I think that we may have talked about getting married when we talked about me becoming part owner of the house 6 months ago but I'm not exactly sure. I wonder if I ask her if it would be too soon and she may not want it, then what happens? We also have purchased other major ticket items and are in debt together. We always talk about long term goals together, about the kids etc... I feel like I want to talk to her about getting married but then that seems to kind of ruin a proposal. The other thing is that we have a joint bank account and how would I go about buying an engagement ring without her knowing? She is also very conservative and believes in the old fashioned values - that the man does the proposing. Are these too many problems? I hope that somebody can offer some advice, particularly women.

[quankanne]

" our basic thought is that a relationship between 2 people should be about that, and that alone. what are the benefits to the RELATIONSHIP with marriage?? now, i'm not in anyway trying to downplay the importance or significance of marriage, but it's something to think about i think. "

have not lived with anyone, so I can't tout the bonuses of that particular arrangement, but I can guarantee you one thing: Marriage sure makes you see things differently! On the outset, there probably isn't much difference in living together and marriage itself, but mentally ... hard to put into words, but there is definitely a strong sense of permanence attached to the state of marriage. Just think of those old folks who are married 30 or 50 or 60-plus years. Was it the bond of marriage that made them choose every single day for all that time to stay hooked up, or did marriage make it easier to make that decision, or was it just something intrinsic to the both of them, married or no?

 

Whether the two of you decide to marry or not, some topics need to be aired, namely what the future holds for you as there are children affected by your relationship. In one sense, the benefit of marriage is that you have legal means of providing for your blended family.

these are just my thoughts on the topic, and you can think / do what you will, but this is something i've thought very long and hard about, and these are simply my conclusions.

very, very true – no matter what course of action you take, it's something you need to seriously ponder.

 

just a word of advice from an old married woman ... no matter what else you do, if you propose then be eloquent in your proposal. Tell her how you feel about your future together or that you need her or something equally as sweet – my husband was from the school of "well? huh, do you wanna?" and it's one of the few things I regret about his practicality! If there's one time to show a bit of your romantic side, that's the time.

 

good luck!

 

quankanne

[BeenThere]

Ursus, I think its wonderful that you would want to express your love and devotion to your partner by making that ultimate commitment. I am in the same situation as you, madly in love with the man who shares my heart and home. But because of some legalities still pending from my previous divorse, I am financially unable to consider remarrying at this time. But this, by no means, takes away from what we have. In fact, I think absent of all the legal technicalities, it has helped us to focus more on the important aspects of our relationship and what "being in love" is really about.

 

My partner and I have discussed our situation often, and have come to the conclusion that for now, "sealing the deal" legally would not change our relationship in any way. We both come from traditional families and religious backgrounds, but we've come to the mutual conclusion that lawyers and priests do not make strong relationships...people do. And in the event that anything should happen, each of us is free to go...no strings attached. And knowing this, we are secure in the fact that we are together because we "want" to be and not because we are bound together by oath or legal decrees.

 

I think the most wonderful thing that my partner said to me, one evening while we were sitting outside talking, was that he considered our relationship a "marraige." That he was just as committed to "us" as any married person would be. He said that he would marry me if our situation was different...and in time would propose, anyway. He liked the idea of wearing a ring because it symbolized the bond between two people...he wanted everyone to know that he had someone he loved. And as sappy as it may seem, we both wear rings.

 

Perhaps, just as a suggestion, you could go ahead and buy your lady that ring. Afterall, an engagement ring is only a "promise" of marraige...not a timeclock for setting a date. Tell her how much you love her, that you would like to marry her one day should your situation change...but that there's no pressure to set a date. That the two of you have a lifetime to wait until its right. This simple jesture alone will let her know how committed you are to spending your life with her, and I can hardly see how she would run from that.

 

Best wishes to both of you. How wonderful it is to be in love!

 

I have a 'nice' problem - how to bring up proposing ect... My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 14 years. We started dating on New Years this year and I have since moved in to her house. I never befor thought of her as a mate until about 3 months befor we started dating. She is also a freind of (or former freind) my ex-wife. I am now also a co-owner of the house after long discussions with her. Most of this was about long term commitments. She has 2 kids from 2 previous bad marriages, these still have an effect on her. She has had a ROUGH time after the marriages and I think she may be afraid to get remarried. There are also some legal aspects for her(as well as for me, as I'm divorced and has one child that I have joint custody of))to being remarried. I love her and know she loves me. I think that we may have talked about getting married when we talked about me becoming part owner of the house 6 months ago but I'm not exactly sure. I wonder if I ask her if it would be too soon and she may not want it, then what happens? We also have purchased other major ticket items and are in debt together. We always talk about long term goals together, about the kids etc... I feel like I want to talk to her about getting married but then that seems to kind of ruin a proposal. The other thing is that we have a joint bank account and how would I go about buying an engagement ring without her knowing? She is also very conservative and believes in the old fashioned values - that the man does the proposing. Are these too many problems? I hope that somebody can offer some advice, particularly women.