Just curious

[Artlover]

After reading Being There's post down below, it got me thinking...How does everyone feel about a new lover/gf/bf requesting that you don't spend alone time with an opposite sex friend or same sex friend, depending on your orientation?

 

I stayed friends with my ex boyfriend who I was with for 6 years, until his girlfriend asked him to stop keeping in touch with me (this was 4 years after our breakup, by the way). We weren't even seeing each other very often. Just the occasional e-mail or phone call to see how each other was doing and to catch up. Then...a year of silence. I let it go, but it bugged me. There was NOTHING going on between us. After we broke up, I started to see him like a brother, not a lover. My feelings changed practically overnight.

 

What does everyone think about this? Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

[Artlover]

After reading Being There's post down below, it got me thinking...How does everyone feel about a new lover/gf/bf requesting that you don't spend alone time with an opposite sex friend or same sex friend, depending on your orientation? I stayed friends with my ex boyfriend who I was with for 6 years, until his girlfriend asked him to stop keeping in touch with me (this was 4 years after our breakup, by the way). We weren't even seeing each other very often. Just the occasional e-mail or phone call to see how each other was doing and to catch up. Then...a year of silence. I let it go, but it bugged me. There was NOTHING going on between us. After we broke up, I started to see him like a brother, not a lover. My feelings changed practically overnight. What does everyone think about this? Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

[quankanne]

Sounds like the the new girlfriend (in your case) had some jealousy and trust issues to work out, because unless people put effort into a relationship, it gradually dissolves.

 

Friendships come immediately to mind -- there were people I went to school with that I was close to during my high school and college days, but they are not necessarily the same folks I'm close to now. It doesn't mean that I dislike those people, but as time passed, I became friends with people I had more in common with, therefore I kept up with them more regularly.

 

Love relationships are like that, too, I think . You can spend a certain period of your life with a significant other, but if the relationship doesn't resolve in marriage, chances are, after awhile, you've gradually lose contact with that person because you really don't have all that much in common any more. Once you've hit that plateau, it's easier to consider that person in a role other than lover.

What does everyone think about this? Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

No, I think it's very wrong for someone to put those kinds of demands on their partner, UNLESS the person/people are a bad influence (like serious abusers of alcohol or drugs, something of that nature). It shows a lack of trust and to a certain level, of maturity, because then it becomes a contest of proving your love to the person making those demands of you.

[Marzipan]

You know, I would like to say no they don't but my feeling on that is not necessarily right on. I think that it really depends on the time they have been with the new girlfriend or boyfriend. A new person that you've just started dating may not necessarily understand the relationship between the two of you because they don't know the person they are dating that well. Now if it's someone that they have been with for a long time then maybe they have issues and tend to bring that into the equation and they can get pretty jealous of your former relationship. I don't know, I mean I think I might feel a tinge of jealousy if someone I was dating was still good friends with their ex.

 

I think now a days it's quite common for exes to be good friends especially after a long period of time has gone by since they were involved. I don't know that it would bother me so much given your situation and how you said it's been a long time since you two dated eachother. The thing is because you don't necessarily know what goes on in that relationship maybe she saw something in her boyfriend's behavior towards you that she read into too much or maybe he spoke about you around her more than you know. Maybe he had feelings about you that she could see and you couldn't cause you had your "friend" blinders on? It's just a possibility, I'm not at all saying that happened.

 

I think that could happen and that's where the insecurity of that lies. The fact that you are still friends suggests a strong enough bond that were something to happen in their relationship there's always the slight possibility that you two could hook up again? Maybe?

 

I dunno. It's just my opinion. I'm pretty screwed up myself.

 

Marz

After reading Being There's post down below, it got me thinking...How does everyone feel about a new lover/gf/bf requesting that you don't spend alone time with an opposite sex friend or same sex friend, depending on your orientation? I stayed friends with my ex boyfriend who I was with for 6 years, until his girlfriend asked him to stop keeping in touch with me (this was 4 years after our breakup, by the way). We weren't even seeing each other very often. Just the occasional e-mail or phone call to see how each other was doing and to catch up. Then...a year of silence. I let it go, but it bugged me. There was NOTHING going on between us. After we broke up, I started to see him like a brother, not a lover. My feelings changed practically overnight. What does everyone think about this? Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?"

 

They don't have a right but if you want to keep the peace it's usually pretty good to go along with it.

 

As a practical matter, friendships with exes don't last long anyway. There is a good reason for a lover to be suspect of a continued friendship with someone a person has been intimate with in the past.

 

As far as platonic friends, new partners shouldn't have a say in this at all except to the extent that they sense a "friend" may have a greater interest than just being platonic friends with their new significant other.

 

Any way you slice it, a romantic interest will take priority over a platonic friend any day. Every person ought to be prepared to have friends neglect them or even forget them, at least for a period of time, when they get involved in a powerful romance. It's unfortunate but that's the way it is. People are selfish and they much prefer the rush of romance than the putter of platonia.

[BeenThere]

Have you spoke with your male friend about the situation? It seems as if he made a choice here, particularly if you didn't hear from him in a year. Perhaps he valued his new relationship enough that he was willing to make the compromise...finding the relationship more important to him than the friendship at the time. If he considered it a "sacrifice" rather than a compromise, you would have heard from him, I'm sure. I don't think that people can "dictate" to another person what they should do. That person is free to make the choice. And its obviouse, for whatever reason, he made his.

 

Did you ever suggest going out with the "both" of them?...respecting the fact that there was someone new in his life? And if not...why?

 

I don't think that anyone has the "right" to dictate what another person can or can not do. But they DO have the right to be upfront about what they will or will not tolerate in a relationship. And that other person has the freedom and "right" to make his/her own decision.

After reading Being There's post down below, it got me thinking...How does everyone feel about a new lover/gf/bf requesting that you don't spend alone time with an opposite sex friend or same sex friend, depending on your orientation? I stayed friends with my ex boyfriend who I was with for 6 years, until his girlfriend asked him to stop keeping in touch with me (this was 4 years after our breakup, by the way). We weren't even seeing each other very often. Just the occasional e-mail or phone call to see how each other was doing and to catch up. Then...a year of silence. I let it go, but it bugged me. There was NOTHING going on between us. After we broke up, I started to see him like a brother, not a lover. My feelings changed practically overnight. What does everyone think about this? Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

[Artlover]

My ex boyfriend's significant other is friends with her ex boyfriends too or at least she was when we were still in touch. She just told him she didn't want us to remain friends, because she considered our relationship to be like a marriage, because of the length and the fact they we lived together for four years.

 

By the way, this new guy I'm interested in is still friends with a woman he had sex with once (disappointing sex, according to him) years ago. Following this reasoning, should I put the ixnay on her?

YOU ASK: "Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?" They don't have a right but if you want to keep the peace it's usually pretty good to go along with it. As a practical matter, friendships with exes don't last long anyway. There is a good reason for a lover to be suspect of a continued friendship with someone a person has been intimate with in the past. As far as platonic friends, new partners shouldn't have a say in this at all except to the extent that they sense a "friend" may have a greater interest than just being platonic friends with their new significant other. Any way you slice it, a romantic interest will take priority over a platonic friend any day. Every person ought to be prepared to have friends neglect them or even forget them, at least for a period of time, when they get involved in a powerful romance. It's unfortunate but that's the way it is. People are selfish and they much prefer the rush of romance than the putter of platonia.

[Artlover]

Actually, we both thought if we all hung out together his girlfriend could get a better sense of what I was about. But it just never materialised.

 

As for talking to him...there's no need. I let this go months ago. I wasn't seeking advice about how to deal with this situation, I was just wondering how people felt about their partners having friends of the opposite sex or remaining friends with exes. How far are we to take these concerns? Am I supposed to worry about every new person in my life's female friends or if they're still friends with their exes? To me, worrying about this stuff could drive you mad!

Have you spoke with your male friend about the situation? It seems as if he made a choice here, particularly if you didn't hear from him in a year. Perhaps he valued his new relationship enough that he was willing to make the compromise...finding the relationship more important to him than the friendship at the time. If he considered it a "sacrifice" rather than a compromise, you would have heard from him, I'm sure. I don't think that people can "dictate" to another person what they should do. That person is free to make the choice. And its obviouse, for whatever reason, he made his. Did you ever suggest going out with the "both" of them?...respecting the fact that there was someone new in his life? And if not...why? I don't think that anyone has the "right" to dictate what another person can or can not do. But they DO have the right to be upfront about what they will or will not tolerate in a relationship. And that other person has the freedom and "right" to make his/her own decision.

[BeenThere]

I wasn't seeking advice about how to deal with this situation, I was just wondering how people felt about their partners having friends of the opposite sex or remaining friends with exes.

Oops, sorry about the unsolicited advice. Wasn't trying to help you "fix" the situation, just an attempt to answer your proposed question about how everyone "felt about their partners having friends of the opposite sex or remaing friends with exes."

How far are we to take these concerns? Am I supposed to worry about every new person in my life's female friends or if they're still friends with their exes? To me, worrying about this stuff could drive you mad!

So, is this a rhetorical question, or do you want me to answer?

[Artlover]

Please feel free to answer. I'm just not a particularly jealous or posessive person. Unless someone gives me a reason not to trust them, I pretty much go with the flow.

 

But yes, I'd like to hear what you have to say!

Oops, sorry about the unsolicited advice. Wasn't trying to help you "fix" the situation, just an attempt to answer your proposed question about how everyone "felt about their partners having friends of the opposite sex or remaing friends with exes." So, is this a rhetorical question, or do you want me to answer?

[BeenThere]

Please feel free to answer. I'm just not a particularly jealous or posessive person. Unless someone gives me a reason not to trust them, I pretty much go with the flow. But yes, I'd like to hear what you have to say!

 

How far are we to take these concerns? Am I supposed to worry about every new person in my life's female friends or if they're still friends with their exes? To me, worrying about this stuff could drive you mad!

If it doesn't bother you, than what's there to worry about? Be confortable with your security and enjoy your new love interest and the relationship for what it is. Don't drive yourself mad by inventing concerns that don't exist just because it may be an issue for other people.

 

Smile! Be happy!

[Ed]

Does a new lover/gf/bf have the right to dictate who their partner's friends can be?

 

Everybody has the right to demand anything they want from their partner. Whether the partner succumbs to the demand(s) is another story. A person can be a dictator only as long as there are people willing to be dictated.

 

This is a very touchy subject for many people. Many people consider opposite sex friends, especially former lovers, as a threat. This is a good reason why not to disclose too much information about past relationships to new or current partners. It is irrational and illogical to assume that these people are a threat, but many times emotions are not rational or logical.

 

The only reasoning I can come up with, again, however irrational, is temptation by association. An example of this would be - the fear that if a person routinely hangs out with other people that engage in undesirable behavior, then that person is more likely to adopt the same undesirable behavior even though they have never done it before or exhibited that tendency. Of course, this fear is even greater if the person has been involved in the undesirable behavior before, but is trying to quit or cut down.

 

Take this for example:

 

Who is more likely to drink alcohol?

 

a) a person who has never drunk alcohol before and goes to a bar for a couple of hours, once a week.

 

b) a person who has never drunk alcohol before and goes to a coffee shop for a couple of hours, once a week.

 

What about a person who has drunk alcohol before?

 

and

 

Who is more likely to cheat on their partner?

 

a) a hetero guy or girl who has never cheated before and spends free time each week with a particular person of the opposite sex.

 

b) a hetero guy or girl who has never cheated before and spends free time each week with a particular person of the same sex.

 

What if the opposite sex person in "a" is a former lover?

 

It's all about fear, temptation, trust and control.

 

I really don't know who is more likely to do what, but no amount of control or removal of temptation will stop them if they have the tendency to do so. We are all afraid of trusting someone and having that trust abused. It's a natural human feeling. Some people carry that fear way too far and attempt to become very, very controlling in hopes of quelling that fear.

 

Trying to be a controlling dictator of another persons actions is not the answer. It only breeds mistrust and masks the underlying fear. A fair amount of concern is warranted under certain circumstances and this should be communicated to a partner. Everyone should understand that this fear, to some extent, is present in all of us and take that into consideration when making choices on what we do, where we go and with whom we spend our time and why. However, to give in to someone who has an extremely irrational fear of loss is as crazy as the fear itself.