time for me to bail out?

[Bonita]

Warning... this is a long one. It's too complicated to cut short but I'll try to get to the point quickly. Although I think I already know what I'll hear, I guess I just want to hear some (sane) thoughts from anyone with an objective position. I will appreciate any input or advice.

 

I am at the end of my rope with my b/f of about 1 1/2 years. I am 29, he is 25, we have lived together for just over a year now (in hindsight - probably not the wisest decision, but circumstances at the time made it seem so). He moved in with me into my fully furnished home. I guess I've seen red flags all along but never thought it would escalate to such a rollercoaster ride. Now that I'm on it I can't seem to get off.

 

I am a relatively mild tempered person, he is one to fly off the handle. I hate fighting and usually try to avoid conflicts in favour of discussion, he seems to thrive on it and seems happy to have any excuse to fight over. This is now almost a constant flux of up and down, good and bad, happy and unhappy. There are a few good days here and there, between the arguing and silent treatments, but generally there is a constant tension. He is so predictable, yet unpredictable. I walk on eggshells around him, even when things are relatively good, making sure I don't say something, do something, not do something, act a certain way, use the wrong tone, etc. that will set him off. I never really know from one day to the next if I'll be in his good books or if I'm on the blacklist - it can change so quickly.

 

The smallest things set this pattern off... sometimes so illogical and unprovoked that I have to think he is LOOKING for something to fight over. i.e. he decided to stop smoking while he was at work in an effort to cut back and save money. The other morning I saw him taking a pack of cigarrettes and asked him if he was smoking at work again? He snapped back at me,"Yes I am. Because I'm a BIG BOY and I'll do whatever I want!" Okay. I didn't even know how to respond. I said,"Okay, just asking." Him-"What? Do you have a problem with that or something?" Me-"Nope, sorry I asked." Him-"Well, if you have something to say..." Me-"Well, I was just so proud of you when you decided to quit..." Him-"Oh, so now you're not. So that means you think I'm a loser." Me-"What? I didn't say that." Him-"Well, you USED to be proud of me and now you're not, so what's the opposite? Loser, right? Yeah, whatever." Me-"That's not what I said. Don't put words in my mouth." He continued, I didn't respond and left the room. He proceeded with the usual M.O. - slamming cupboard doors, banging things around, attitude flowing freely, mumbling under his breath, etc. Didn't say goodbye and slammed the door on the way out. That was 2 days ago and it's been the silent treatment with intermittent jabs and comments from him since then. He makes no effort to talk to me. He acts like I'm not even here, huffs and gives short answers when I say anything to him. Later the same day I almost fell back into the pattern when I asked him what was going on with him. Why are you so upset? Are you planning to talk to me about this? He gave me a dirty look and a short answer of "What do you think?" I said,"Well, I'm assuming it's because of when I told you I was proud of a decision you had made and you somehow thought that meant I was calling you a loser?" He just kind of huffed and snorted and gave me a dirty look like I should be apologizing for something. I left the room and since then I haven't played the game, I've stayed quiet with my thoughts of what to do because I am really at the end of my rope.

 

This will likely continue for days, then he'll probably just start acting normal, like nothing happened, and expect me to do the same. But, I've decided I've had enough and it won't be a case of sweeping this under the carpet - this happens too often. I'm tired of it. This is almost a constant thing, if it's not one thing it's another. I never used to fight back, I would just let him be and wait for him to come out of it. I've pulled back to avoid opening myself up for another hit, then he complains that I don't show him enough affection. I have tried so hard to talk to him about this (when things are good) but he basically just says he doesn't know why he gets so upset over such little insignificant things, and that I should just leave him alone and not take it personally because "it's not you". I usually say,"Well, if it's not me then why should I have to take the flack? It doesn't just roll off my back, you know?" Sometimes he'll apologize, but his apologies seem so empty when I can almost predict how many days of peace I will have before he starts up about something else.

 

In the past I have almost always been the one to apologize first - even if I did nothing wrong, I'd usually end up apologizing for something just to smooth things over because he's so stubborn. I've always been the one to initiate a dialogue of some sort, or at the least make some effort to reconnect. In the past 6 months or so we've had several all-out fights (times that I just couldn't bite my tongue), usually starting over stupid things.

 

There is no physical violence or threats - that type of abuse is not an issue. He did, however, break my alarm clock the other morning in an early morning fit over how he didn't get any sleep (he clearly implied that it was my and my pets' fault). He won't offer to replace it, I'm sure. He broke my lamp last week (tipped it accidentally) and when I asked him if he was going to fix it he said,"Why is it so hard for you to go to the hardware store and get a part and put it in yourself? I have to work all day (so do I) so I can't go buy a part, and I don't know how to do it anyhow." I got my brother to help me fix it, and to fix a shelf and put up shelves that I've been waiting for the b/f to help me with for months... Actually, he really doesn't do anything around here that isn't directly for his benefit. He'll clean HIS tv, clean up the livingroom a bit if some of HIS friends are coming over, clean the patio if HE is going to use it. I do almost everything, I mean everything, at home. He helps me sometimes if I ask enough times. He does work long hours and weekends and doesn't make much of a mess, but even before he started these hours it was the same thing...

 

There are so many examples that I could write down, nasty little comments and controlling acts. Here's a quick example... I'm the Maid of Honour in my friend's weeding this weekend. I told him that she wanted the Bridesmaids to stay at her house the night before (sort of a sleep-over but also easier to make sure we are all there and ready). His response... I don't #$^*)-ing think so! I gave him a "what?!" look but said nothing. He said - You should be staying right here with me like you do every night! I said - Oh really? You know, I wasn't asking for your PERMISSION.

 

It's constant. I am so used to it and fed up with it that I don't have the energy to bother talking anymore, let alone play the games with him. It's like I'm sitting back watching him have a fight with... I don't know who... and I'm just trying to stay out of his way. I won't fight anymore.

 

I've written him a long letter saying that I am choosing NOT to accept this or let it go on. I'm serious. I haven't given it to him yet - the timing just wasn't right yesterday, but I will. I really want him to straighten up because we used to get along so well and I think that with some changes we could have a good thing. There are so many issues that I start to wonder if I'm provoking it or if I'm just as much the cause as he is, but deep down I think I know better. I know he has a history of a rocky childhood with some parental abuse involved. He is younger than I am by a few years. He's had relationships gone bad in a very similar way (he wouldn't say that, according to him it was HER fault, but I've heard the real history from his dad)

 

I've caught him in lies (I felt like he was full of it, I asked him questions directly several times to try and get the truth, he continued to lie, I snooped, I found I was right, I asked him again, he lied, he said "do you want me to prove it? I said yes, he got his wallet (expecting me to say no, that's okay, I believe you) to PROVE me wrong and when I didn't stop him he realized I already knew). No apology. He just got VERY upset that I didn't TRUST him enough to take his word (which was a lie) and turned the whole thing on me for snooping. It's so frustrating.

 

He owes me a substantial amount of money. Several thousand dollars. I almost totally supported him -right down to spending money- for 3-4 months when he was having job troubles. He was appreciative at first, swearing that I would be paid back ASAP (we agreed it's a loan, not a gift), thank you, thank you. Now, I'm at the bottom of the pay-back list because he has so many other debts, I haven't seen any pay-back money and it's been almost 3 months since he started his job. I won't stick it out for money, I'm prepared to write off the loss if I have to.

 

So, I guess I am thinking... it all seems so ridiculous... is this just be the way he really is? Or is there another issue here? Seriously, maybe a chemical imbalance or something. If he needs help with something like that then I'd like to help him and get the REAL him back. But I don't know that I can stick it out, or if it's worth my nerves to try. I know anyone who's reading this is thinking I am an idiot for being here, maybe I think that myself, but it just seems so crazy that I keep telling myself there MUST be something more to it than just not getting along. Maybe I'm just looking for a way to justify my staying as long as I have, since I'm not stupid and I know I deserve better but I'm still here anyhow. He just treats me with so little respect, twists things around to avoid taking blame or responsibility, always has a (albeit weak) excuse, he expects so much and gives so little. I really don't get much but heartache from this relationship the way it is. Is it as simple as... he's taking advantage of me and will keep pushing until I do something about it? I want to give him chances, but I've given so many already and nothing has changed for more than a few days. I thought I got through to him after a recent bout when I told him point blank that we are on a fast-track to breaking up if things don't change. He eventually seemed to realize the seriousness of my state of mind, but the relative peace that followed only lasted about 3 days. I am not the type to break up and get back together - if I break up, it's already done. That's why I'm trying to give my chances before that happens to make sure I do the right thing. Even still, I have a feeling that if we will split, he'll come crawling back and I'll fall for it and end up in the same place a year down the road. But in the back of my mind I keep thinking... maybe it can work. Maybe I just need to push the right button and he'll see the light. It hurts so much to love someone who treats you like you're a problem instead of a partner.

 

So, am I thinking straight? Am I missing something that seems obvious to anyone else? Should I give up on this and cut my losses? Yeah, I think I already know...

[bonita]

Me again...

 

I failed to mention a few things that I think are important...

 

My b/f regularly tells me he loves me, almost so much that it doesn't seem to mean the same thing anymore. He tells other people that he's never been happier than he is with me. When things are okay between us he almost always gives me a kiss goodbye and an I love you, always says I love you when we are hanging up the phone (when things are bad he waits as long as it takes for me to say it first), says he loves me more than anything, wants to make this work, wants to be with me, wants a future together, wants to marry me one day (I am by no means asking for that) etc. etc. He is a different person when my family is around - always nice and helpful, etc. He doesn't pull much attitude when there is anyone around, it's always in private, although he can't control it well enough that no one notices. People often ask me what's wrong with him, or say things like - ooh, he's in a mood isn't he? His friends tell him he's lucky to have found a woman like me, and that they wish they could do the same. He has a real problem with me talking to anyone about our problems. He says it's nobody else's business and I should just keep it to myself like he does. I can't do that, I'd go crazy. He was especially upset when he demanded to know who all knows about our problems - I told him the truth... a couple of my close girlfriends, the next door neighbour who heard us fighting and asked if things were okay, and he really flipped when I admitted his dad had called out of concern, asking if things were okay between us. I told his dad the truth but not many details. This is when his dad told me "I'm sorry to tell you, but I've heard this before" (lots of similar incidents and problems from his last girlfriend) and that I should do whatever I have to do and know that they would understand. Everyone else but him seems to see how good he has it.

 

He can be so sweet one day, and yet so nasty the next. Like Jekyll and Hyde. He seems to get flashes of reality when I am pushed past my breaking point, but they don't sink in.

 

He has a 7 year old son - he and the mother don't get along well. He is behind in his maintenance payments due to his job situation in recent months, this is also part of the reason I don't harp on him about being paid back what he owes me - I think his money needs to go there first. He has an outstanding fine - which has now become a warrant - for driving with lapsed insurance about 2 years ago. But he went and put $1000 worth of tires on his truck rather than paying the fine. He said he needed to so he could go to work and make the money to pay the fine and his maintenance. Somewhat logical, not necessarily responsible. He was picked up on the fine a few months back and detained for a day before being released, on the condition that he pay the fine within 45 days (I think, he could be lying) which he hasn't done. I've even had a warning phone call from the police to which he didn't respond. He's just biding his time, and expecting to be bailed out if he gets caught - which isn't going to happen from either me or his dad - we've discussed it. I've told him again and again how important I think it is for him to get it together, pay his debts and live with a clear conscience. He says he agrees but then claims to be a victim of circumstance and bad luck... nothing is ever his fault. He's behind in his taxes too... but doesn't seem to think it's a priority. We bought bedroom furniture about a month ago - all financed under my name and credit since his was turned down - which we are supposedly going to buy together. I paid the deposit, he was supposed to give me half of it but hasn't. I have since taken his name off the paperwork since I don't really trust him to hold up his end of the deal, especially in this situation, and don't want any argument over who owns what if it comes to that.

 

I guess this is a classic case of avoiding responsibility.

[Dee]

Me again... I failed to mention a few things that I think are important... My b/f regularly tells me he loves me, almost so much that it doesn't seem to mean the same thing anymore. He tells other people that he's never been happier than he is with me. When things are okay between us he almost always gives me a kiss goodbye and an I love you, always says I love you when we are hanging up the phone (when things are bad he waits as long as it takes for me to say it first), says he loves me more than anything, wants to make this work, wants to be with me, wants a future together, wants to marry me one day (I am by no means asking for that) etc. etc. He is a different person when my family is around - always nice and helpful, etc. He doesn't pull much attitude when there is anyone around, it's always in private, although he can't control it well enough that no one notices. People often ask me what's wrong with him, or say things like - ooh, he's in a mood isn't he? His friends tell him he's lucky to have found a woman like me, and that they wish they could do the same. He has a real problem with me talking to anyone about our problems. He says it's nobody else's business and I should just keep it to myself like he does. I can't do that, I'd go crazy. He was especially upset when he demanded to know who all knows about our problems - I told him the truth... a couple of my close girlfriends, the next door neighbour who heard us fighting and asked if things were okay, and he really flipped when I admitted his dad had called out of concern, asking if things were okay between us. I told his dad the truth but not many details. This is when his dad told me "I'm sorry to tell you, but I've heard this before" (lots of similar incidents and problems from his last girlfriend) and that I should do whatever I have to do and know that they would understand. Everyone else but him seems to see how good he has it. He can be so sweet one day, and yet so nasty the next. Like Jekyll and Hyde. He seems to get flashes of reality when I am pushed past my breaking point, but they don't sink in. He has a 7 year old son - he and the mother don't get along well. He is behind in his maintenance payments due to his job situation in recent months, this is also part of the reason I don't harp on him about being paid back what he owes me - I think his money needs to go there first. He has an outstanding fine - which has now become a warrant - for driving with lapsed insurance about 2 years ago. But he went and put $1000 worth of tires on his truck rather than paying the fine. He said he needed to so he could go to work and make the money to pay the fine and his maintenance. Somewhat logical, not necessarily responsible. He was picked up on the fine a few months back and detained for a day before being released, on the condition that he pay the fine within 45 days (I think, he could be lying) which he hasn't done. I've even had a warning phone call from the police to which he didn't respond. He's just biding his time, and expecting to be bailed out if he gets caught - which isn't going to happen from either me or his dad - we've discussed it. I've told him again and again how important I think it is for him to get it together, pay his debts and live with a clear conscience. He says he agrees but then claims to be a victim of circumstance and bad luck... nothing is ever his fault. He's behind in his taxes too... but doesn't seem to think it's a priority. We bought bedroom furniture about a month ago - all financed under my name and credit since his was turned down - which we are supposedly going to buy together. I paid the deposit, he was supposed to give me half of it but hasn't. I have since taken his name off the paperwork since I don't really trust him to hold up his end of the deal, especially in this situation, and don't want any argument over who owns what if it comes to that. I guess this is a classic case of avoiding responsibility.

 

They say misery loves company and you are obviously his

 

company.There is obviously something that is making him

 

miserable.He may not tell you what it is.But there is.

 

You have to realze that some people are never happy no

 

matter what you do for them.Or no matter what you give

 

them.You need to ask yourself this question.Will this be

 

the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?As long as

 

he's miserable and fails to get help.You will be also.Maybe

 

he don't even now himself why he is miserable.Maybe with

 

help he can change.I wish I could give you a better answer.

 

But that is something you have to decide for yourself.Well

 

good luck.

[Constance]

I think that is DEFINATELY time to bail out. This is NOT just his personality. People aren't born that way. it'z something that they choose. I think that he sees a kind soul and a roof over his head and he went for it. I'm sure that there was a lot more emotion that whent into you two getting together, but he may be staying because he knows he couldn't make it without you. He treats you very badly. Getting a day or two of peace shouldn't be a treat for you. It sould be one of those little things couples take for granted. Abuse as a child is no exuse. My best friend was constantly beat by her father. He eventually killed her mother and my friend was the one to find her dead in the bedroom. She was a toddler at the time. Except for a hard time around Mother's day, she is a very loving person. I personally think that verbal and emotional abuse is not very far off from physical abuse. Just think, he's been able to stay on the yelling and fighting ride for a long time now, which means that he's just waiting to blow up on you and hurt you. Chemical imbalances don't make people ENJOY fighting. There is really nothing short or jail time that can soften this guy up. Remember, you're supporting him, he's living off you, and you DON'T have to put up with this. Be strong. Get out while you can. Once it gets physical, it'll be harder to get out. A battered woman goes back to an abusive lover an average of 10 to 11 times. Be happy that you have the sence to see where this is going.

 

I hope I helped,

 

Constance