Deep-seeded Abandonment Issues

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

How ever is someone supposed to recover from their abandonment issues when they've been abandoned by every man that they ever loved, starting with their own father who wanted them aborted? How can a woman recover from never having a stable male influence in their life?

[loony]

Awww, that sounds really bad for you. I'm not sure what to say, because right now I'm not that optimistic either, but I guess, our issues hint to the things we need to work on ourselves. If you develop a better judgment of men and know how to differentiate between a good guy and a bad guy you will feel better and more optimistic about your future.

[blind_otter]

Being alone. That's it, actually. You learn how to get the feelings of value and fulfillment from yourself. Which, if you have a healthy foundation, comes naturally.

 

Having an internal locus of control, the source of your self-esteem, etc. is really important.

 

I have had severe trust issues with men because I was raped. It takes therapy, and a lot of work on your part, and introspection.

 

Usually women with this problem seek out men who are emotionally unavailable or inappropriate for them to be involved with. It's not them -- it IS you, because you are choosing to put effort into abd be involved with men who will recreate the emotional situations of your childhood. Knowing what traits are triggers for you is really important. Avoiding men who would make for a negative interaction, men who are disconnected from their own emotions or who have a history of being unable to connect emotionally with others is really important.

 

You are familiar with abandonment and can sometimes subconsciously make choices that will enable the pattern to continue. I have done this myself and it's taken years - literally, 7 years of therapy - for me to realize the part that I take in creating the misery that I have blamed on others, for so long. It's not like you like the feeling, but you are familiar with it.

 

It's a long process. If you're willing to do the work, the rewards are great. Right now your perception of reality itself is skewed towards the negative. It takes a lot more effort to make yourself look at the world in an entirely different way.

[loony]

Usually women with this problem seek out men who are emotionally unavailable or inappropriate for them to be involved with. It's not them -- it IS you, because you are choosing to put effort into abd be involved with men who will recreate the emotional situations of your childhood. Knowing what traits are triggers for you is really important. Avoiding men who would make for a negative interaction, men who are disconnected from their own emotions or who have a history of being unable to connect emotionally with others is really important.

There's a book, "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, it's interesting. It's about women who due to their family history choose men who are emotionally unavailable and try to control and manipulate them unconsciously as a mean to rewrite their own personal history in which they often suffered from feelings of powerlessness and loss of control.

[basscatcher]

I also suffer from abandonment issues. I too was rejected by my father when I was a youngin'. I didn't have a father role-model growing up who loved me with open arms and showed me loved.

I too was raped at the age of 15 by my first bf.

All the men I have dated either turned out not to be who they appeared to be, became abusive, or so aloof we just drifted in our own directions.

I actually didn't have my heart shattered until a year ago when a very loving, attentive man came into my life and literally swept me off my feet. I felt like Cinderella until the day he walked out on me with no real explaination.

Now I am with a man who doesn't show his feelings through affection, touch, or words. He shows it through time, actions, and gifts. He protects himself emotionally.

 

I have had many different levels of relationships and I still have abandonment issues. I think most people do because no one wants to be dumped, left, abandoned, alone, or lonely. We all want someone to laugh/joke with, cry with, love, care for, hang out with, depend on, partner-up with. When we have had that and we are abandoned it is scary to all of a sudden be out of balance. What use to be routine, familiar, and habits are yanked from us and we feel like we are in a out of control car we can't steer or stop and its scary.

 

I, for one, know I didn't learn how to cope with loss as a child because my parents didn't teach me. They didn't know how to deal with it themselves so how could they teach me.

Because I didn't know how to accept, deal with and heal from being abandoned I developed the survival skill of doing whatever it takes to not feel that kind of pain and therefore; I became co-dependant.

 

I would sacrafice myself; morals and values, to please my partner so he wouldn't leave me and if he did I just became more obsessed with trying to be the perfect woman for the next man.

 

Abandonment issues are (I believe) connected to Co-Dependency.

 

Knowledge is power-take the power and use it to make decisions and choices. Learn what is healthy and what is not and make a solid, strong effert to face yourself in times of weakness and strengthen yourself against your own destructive choices that reinforce your negative thoughts and feelings and make the opposite choices and actions to avoid the self spiral down of negativity.

 

It is not easy to change habits, to look at oneself in a time of downward spiral. But with support from a respected friend, and honesty with yourself and taking a leap of faith each time it will get easier and easier and you will notice that the anixiety of abandonment will ease up and you will find yourself coping and surviving with less drama, trama, panic and anxiety.

 

This is my discovery and opinion from experience and lots of counceling and a group of wonderful, experienced and supportive people.

[too unreal]

I agree and Identify with Blind Otter on this..

 

I have been battling with abandonment and “men” issues my whole life. Although I was required to go to counseling when I was younger, after the state finally stepped in, I have never really worked on or dealt with any of these issues.

I was molested by many men both inside and outside of my family when I was younger. The mother (or mother figure) just turned their heads (silent abusers).

I was raped twice when I was older and this is the first time I have EVER admitted to it, (here on Loveshack) to anyone, even to myself….

 

Above all, the abandonment issues still prevail…..I do tend to pick very emotionally unavailable men in my relationships. In fact, I am in one now, and it is like ramming my head against the wall…..

 

I think this is the best opportunity for you to become whole and reconnect with yourself. Come to terms with hurt and pain and the abandonment (or at least nurture yourself) so that when the time comes again, you will pick a man based on what YOU need, not what the hurt, shattered, scared little girl inside you needs. In each relationship you are trying to recreate the past so you can finally close the doors, and because it’s the only thing you know, and what feels comfortable.

 

Don’t be afraid to change and let go. Give yourself time to heal from this and from the past.

 

Remember, Those that cannot understand their past are destined to repeat it in their future…..and it is ABSOLUTELY true.

 

Be glad that this man is not in your life anymore…that just makes room for the right one to come along……

[Becoming]

Jen--I want to commend you on starting this thread. You've done the first thing: recognized there's a problem and asked for help. Good for you.

 

It takes a lot of courage to finally come out and show our vulnerabilities and risk being hurt and abandoned yet again.

 

But you took the risk, and look what happened: you've received some excellent advice from caring folks. I just wanted to point that out because it's easy to only see and anticipate the negative, given what's happened to you. Not only that, but your vulnerability provided opportunity for someone else to actually admit for the first time that she was raped. Your willingness to put yourself out there has opened up a space for healing to occur, not only for yourself, but for us all. So thank you.

 

As to your question: For me, it's a matter of reminding myself that the other person (whoever it is) does not determine my sense of worth. Being abandoned and abused and used and then thrown away by others who don't really see us or value us makes us feel worthless. We keep chasing others because they'll give us our sense of worth back, but they're only human, and they'll hurt and leave us, too, sometimes.

 

For me, the only Other who can give me the sense of worth that I didn't get from other primary relationships in my life is God/Christ/Spirit. Not necessarily the way it's been preached by too many churches that make me , but as I've experienced it and read it in Bible: the certain knowledge that God made all that is, including me, good, that I'm so beloved by God that God sent Jesus who stood up to all who were abusing and mistreating people (the religious elite who excluded the "unclean") to the point where he was facing death but didn't back down from his position so that folks like us in the future could know how much we are worth to God. So now I am not alone; I am held within God's Spirit that holds us all and wants us all to experience that goodness. As I come to know more about how that Spirit is and works, I am better able to choose who I do and do not want in my life in accord with the greater Goodness that I've come to know.

 

But this is a long, long journey that is like a battle against all the lies you've been told and come to believe--that men are SOB's who abandon women after getting what they want. It's a journey that's best undertaken with a trusted guide, i.e. a good therapist.

[blind_otter]

I was molested by many men both inside and outside of my family when I was younger. The mother (or mother figure) just turned their heads (silent abusers).

I was raped twice when I was older and this is the first time I have EVER admitted to it, (here on Loveshack) to anyone, even to myself….

 

 

Congratulations. It takes a lot of courage to admit this, even to yourself.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

There's a book, "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, it's interesting. It's about women who due to their family history choose men who are emotionally unavailable and try to control and manipulate them unconsciously as a mean to rewrite their own personal history in which they often suffered from feelings of powerlessness and loss of control.

 

No offense to you.... but I really think that's a lot of effing hogwash. And yes, I have read the book.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thanks Becoming. You're very kind. And a much stronger person than I.

[loony]

No offense to you.... but I really think that's a lot of effing hogwash. And yes, I have read the book.

Ok.

[Becoming]

Thanks Becoming. You're very kind. And a much stronger person than I.

 

Nah. Just maybe a little more ok with my vulnerability these days and not willing to abandon myself anymore, which is what happens when we believe the lies abandonment tells us--that we're not worth sticking around for. We embody those messages and start abandoning ourselves, thinking the other person has what we need to be magically recovered.

 

We don't ever completely recover, I don't think. But we learn to live with the scars without continually cutting them open ourselves--partly by pushing folks away before they abandon us (which, of course, we believe the lie that they always will).

 

Ya gotta challenge that belief--that people will always abandon you--and look for those who are likely to stick by you and then give 'em a chance before you push them away out of fear that since they're gonna leave you anyway, at least you'll get to control when.

 

Now, I say this as a fellow sufferer. This is hard to do. But your lovely wit from other posts on LS indicates to me that you are smart enough to start watching your patterns and seeing beyond the old beliefs to a new faith that sometimes people really are there for you and that it's ok to accept and relax in their love which, while not perfect, is good enough. And when it's not, then you can back away from the relationship.

[slubberdegullion]

One of the best bits of advice I ever got (other than don't eat yellow snow and don't lick the frozen pump handle) was:

 

What you focus on determines what you miss.

 

If a person constantly reverts back to their fears of abandonment or past abuses, they will continue to miss all the positive events, people and things that grace their lives.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thanks Becoming. You're right. I do have to stop believing in the worthlessness that I feel. It's something I've struggled with most of my life. And it's really hard not to believe that you're only valuable when someone else loves you. I always think about the headstones at cemetaries that are inscribed with things like "Beloved Wife and Mother", as though those are things that gave someone their value in life -- and then I wonder what mine will say. Somehow I doubt it will say "Terrific Volunteer and Friend". In some ways, it's the messages that society sends us that keep the abdonment myth alive.

 

Anyway, one of the things I am really struggling with because of the end of this relationship is my own judgment. Before I started dating him I did a lot of personal work to find out what I was doing to keep making bad decisions in choosing men who were wrong for me and unavailable for the long-term. I thought that I had really identified those traits in men to avoid. And when I met my ex I was very, very cautious. He did all the right things, had the right background, and treated me very differently from previous men. Yet I was still cautious, and worried about trusting anyone. My friends told me to relax...that he was different and not like the others...they kept saying to give him a chance because he was not the kind of man who would hurt me. So I forced myself to let my guard down. And one day he told me he loved me, and I started to say it back. Things were great for a little while, but then, without any warning he "flipped" and became someone different....emotionally distant and he withdrew his affections. And all of a sudden I was back to feeling the horrible panic I felt in previous relationships -- I was living the nightmare all over again. And as I try to figure out what I could have done differently in those early stages to determine if he was the type to avoid, I come up blank.

[Becoming]

No wonder you feel so hopeless! You do the work, you think you can identify the right ones from the wrong ones. You open up at the urging of others and then whamo! You get hit again. This really undermines your feeling that you can't trust your judgment.

 

But you know, people are the most ornery critters! They just won't do what we want sometimes. That's no reflection of you, but of him. He came, he conquered, he moved on. Maybe your caution was the way to go despite what the others advised, after all.

 

Now you know what your issues are, what you need from a man. So before you commit your heart you need to test whether or not he can provide the kind of emotional/commitment stability you need BEFORE you get too involved. Otherwise, you're best alone.

 

Anyone who treats you like that is not deserving of you, you know.

[Curmudgeon]

I think that abandonment without apparent cause says more about the person who leaves than the person who's left behind. The could be emotionally challenged and immature, commitment adverse or phobic or have their own abandonment issues which cause them to leave before the other party can. They could also simply be cruel, shallow, inconsiderate or uncaring.

 

I truly believe that all it takes is that one good person in your life who sticks it out through thick and thin to heal those wounds from the past. It might just take some time, however.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Now you know what your issues are, what you need from a man. So before you commit your heart you need to test whether or not he can provide the kind of emotional/commitment stability you need BEFORE you get too involved.

This is where I'm also perplexed. During the first half of our relationship I was going through a very difficult time because I was unemployed for many months and having a rough job search, and I also couldn't afford to get the health care I needed. But through all of that he stuck by me, and was very supportive....when I cried he held me....when I got angry and frustrated he let me vent and listened.....when I need encouragement he gave it and said he believed in me....he never gave up on me, and said he never would. And when I got a job we celebrated, and I let him know how much his love and support meant to me. In my mind, this was a big test, because situations like that do test the strength of a relationship, especially so early on. Even my mom thought he was the best thing to come my way.

[Becoming]

Well, yeah, you'd think, huh?

 

So what happened? When you no longer needed someone he couldn't relate as anything but Rescuer or what?

 

No wonder this guy threw your confidence off.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Well, I will say this... it was right around the time that I got my new job that things started to change for his work situation. His work demands suddenly became very difficult, and I could see how much the stress was affecting him and that he was falling into depression. I tried to do everything I could to support him and help him where I could. I even offered to run any errands that he might need, because his job had him traveling extensively and when he was home he was at the office until insane hours of the night. Because he lived right next door, it would have been very easy for me to do these things for him. But he refused to accept my help. That's around the time that he started to push me away emotionally...refusing to talk to me about his feelings and let me share the burden of his stress. I really felt quite useless to him. Then his dad became ill and has been in the hospital since before Christmas. Things got even worse after that. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me about it, and his depression worsened. Perhaps he didn't like the role reversal, but it's not like I still didn't have things that he could help me get through...my RA has been flaring up and even though I know he couldn't

"rescue" me from that, his love and support were still appreciated.

[Becoming]

Wow. That's too bad. He missed out on an incredible person who was willing to help him out and love him through this.

 

So it really was something going on with him and really didn't have anything to do with you. It's hard to be in relationship with someone who's in that place. Maybe he knew this and didn't feel it was fair to you.

 

I guess the thing my smart-cookie therapist is showing me is that there are lots of reasons why people do the things they do, which I can't control (darn! ), and that by interpreting those actions in accord with that template of past abandonment/abuse, I'm continuing to miss out on potentially good things and thereby abandoning/abusing myself as a result.

 

I don't know if that's helpful, but such as I have, I pass on.

 

You do know now that there are guys who are capable of loving care. And there are more of 'em out there.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

So it really was something going on with him and really didn't have anything to do with you. It's hard to be in relationship with someone who's in that place. Maybe he knew this and didn't feel it was fair to you.

 

Yes, that's basically what he was telling me while he was ripping my heart out over the phone. I just don't know whether I can trust the whole, "It's not you, it's me" line of BS, because it's so damn cliche.

 

Thank you again ...for listening and for sharing such insightful wisdom.