Tough situation I'm in here.

[Jester9983]

So I am going to try and make this quick but I know it won't be...

 

Anyway, I meet this girl about six months ago. We hit it off and things are going great...she told me in the beginning that she has never had a serious relationship, in terms of length or anything (I am 26, she is 24). She has dated people who were not always around (meaning long-distance) or whatever and she is a very very very independent person, never needed a boyfriend she said.

 

Well, like I said we hit it off wonderful. I tried to be reserved at first, playing it cool, not being so available you know. Well she just kept making plans for us, setting this and that up, and started to push being exclusive.

 

So finally after about a month and a half of us hanging out we made it official and I was happy with the decision. Things went incredible for a couple months. Then she started having problems at work (she got a new job she hates) and started feeling depressed and started taking it out on me...Also, by this point, I had fallen in love with her and I wasn't going to say it until she did, but it slipped out one night and I think it kind of freaked her out a little.

 

So, things were still ok and although I said that she started pulling away. We spent less time together, she got more and more upset about her work and everything that was not related to me and pulled away more and more. To a point where were only spending maybe one or two days together a week. Finally she broke it off with me and said that she needs to fix herself because she says that she has problems she needs to deal with. I know that I started getting needy and clingy at the end to because I wasn't getting any attention from her.

 

So we split up ok? Well I don't talk to her for a week. She sends me a card in the mail telling me what she is doing to make herself feel better and whatnot, then I get a phone call, and then she wants to go out on and see a show...While we are out and about she tells me that she wants to figure herself, stay friends with me and take things slow. She says I know that you were giving 120% in this relationship and I was only giving 30...She says she is still interested in our relationship, but she says not to push her because she needs to do this at her own pace.

 

So, I need advice here. She says I am the best guy she has ever dated, the kind of guy she could marry, but she is scared of losing independence by loving me I think.

 

So anyone out there that can help me out and give me some advice, would be much appreciated. We are still hanging out a lot, since we have mutual friends and whatnot and she gives me a kiss everytime we leave for the night, we even flirt...So I get mixed signals and am confused....what should I do?

[salmagundi]

I cant offer you too much in the way of advive but my experience has taught me this:

 

My ex did the same thing right down to admitting that I was giving 70% and her 30%. So a good start if you are going to sstart hanging out again would be to make sure you dont give more than you get. If I could do it over again I would give a little less, after all, she has to win you back now, right?

 

I would be really careful about being friends with her while hoping it develops back into a relationship. You dont want to become a crutch, someone who is always available to lean on on a lonely friday night. I guess a certain aloofness is called for as well as just ...i dunno... dont be too much of a friend but I guess you cant push too hard for more and risk seeming to be pressuring her. Maybe keep things at least mildly flirty or i dunno but somehow you should get out to her that you arent going to settle for being just friends. Maybe communication is the answer here.

 

But this could go on forever, you know? If you are there as her friend and maybe f**kbuddie or cuddlyman on a rainy night or anything ambiguous like this there is no reason to give you more. Its like CAli-guy says, why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?

 

More importantly, and no matter how stupid this sounds, try not to be confused. Dont get all angsty about this situation because that will push back into being 'needyguy' always pestering her for assurance that you guys are still going somewhere. Until she gives you the whole loaf, you should assume you have nothing and try not to be too bothered by her. Not easy I know but you cant pester her now. You have to, if not be secure, at least seem secure in whats going on, otherwise you're doomed and might as well not go back at all, I think.

 

anyway, thats what I have for you, hope it helps,

 

salmagundi

[gfto]

so, she was making all these plans and pushing to be exclusive. excellent. so far, so good. But, then, it sounds like you started getting a little clingy and stopped being a challenge for her. Dropping the L-word so early on was a whopper of a mistake. In any event, she has dumped you. That ought to seal the deal for you. Why are you staying in contact with her?! The flirting and other communication means nothing. Women who have very low romantic interest in you can still flirt with you. What matters here is that she's being wishy-washy, and that doesn't cut it. You should get with some girl who is crazy about you. So, my advice would be to completely cut contact with this girl and get some new prospects.

[nightowl]

You have so much to offer! You deserve better!