CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 As I mentioned numerous times, the Ex sent me an email on Dec 27th asking a question. She had sent me two emails over Christmas as well. I never replied to any of them. I saw her on the 17th when I was at my clients. She was polite and cordial. Client told me she talked to her after our lunch and said to her "Wow, he's a nice guy, etc." and I guess she repeated that back to her "Yes, he is a very nice guy." A friend emailed her asking for her opinion on what I do and she sent him back two long paragraphs singing my praises. I know I am reading into this, but I do know she misses me and my utter silence must be baffling to her. That said, I know she is dating another guy, most likely living with him and I would know if it's going bad because she would start emailing me. I know her habits. She hasn't done that yet. With everyone talking about closure, I am tempted to reply to that email she sent me on the 27th with just one a short note saying "Sorry, I haven't seen any mail for you at the house. Hope all is well." Now before you say anything, I know this goes against the rules of NC. However, she initiated the email. I know how she is. If I don't ever reply, even if she does want me back she won't initiate any contact because she will feel I have written her off for good. She said in many numerous occasions she doesn't talk to any ex's but their free will, not hers. They wrote her off and so she won't contact them. I guess I am second guessing myself, in a fit of weakness (over the past couple days). I know I give out good advice, the problem is sometimes I can't take my own. I feel my heart tugging at me right now to just reply to the email and see what she does. UNDERSTAND: I know she is dating someone, I don't expect her to tell me what's going on with her personal life. I don't really want a friendship with her but at the same time if her heart ever changes and I never leave the door open, just a crack, then she won't come to me. She's proven that with past behavior. Am I hanging on, hoping she will come back? No. I guess what I am saying is if I shut her out by never replying to any of her emails, then I would essentially be killing any chance of a reconcilliation. Now, I know a gift is coming in the next couple days. Her mom emailed me to tell me she is finally sending it this weekend. If I email them all (her mom, her dad and her) I would be initiating contact. If I reply to the email she sent me answering her question, then I am not initiating the contact, I had just taken a long time to reply. Help me out here. I'm confusing myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 BTW: I don't feel I'd be going back to square one as I am not expecting her to come back to me. She won't tell me anything about her personal life (guards it fiercely). If she wanted me, she would suggest we hang out for lunch. She works about 10 minutes from my office. Maybe, subconciously, I just want to leave the door open a crack for her to know she can email me but not expect me to be her "buddy." Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Well, first things first: What do you want? Do you want her back? If not, then the simple answer is don't respond. If so, you still may not want to write her back. I don't know. But I doubt that all chances of reconciliation hang on this one reply. (PS - I don't know your history with this girl and I'm not sure I've read any posts you may have written about it.) Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Maybe there's something in the water today. I have no advice to give you, alas. I'm as f*cked up as ever. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Don't want her, don't respond. Do want her, respond. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 CG- Time for some tough love here baby..... You know good and well that you only want to do it so that she'll reply and start a conversation. DO NOT DO IT. She knows where you are and will contact you again if she wants to talk to you. If you DO get some mail for her by all means let her know but if not DO NOT CONTACT HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 Do I want her? Yes, but not the way she was and certainly not how she perceives me to be now (clingy, insecure, spineless in some facets). I guess my problem is that if I continue to shut the door, she will never contact me, even if she wanted to. She's proven that to me in all our discussions about her Ex's. She does have some junk mail here, should I say anything about that or no? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Slub, Cali, All... Everyone is a little F*cked up....but it's supposed to be in different ways so we can help each other, however, I am also on the receiving end of the very powerful F*ck-up-Your Life Fairy and her Magic Evil Wand, today.... Wanna get drunk? (Joking) I'm gonna get laid instead. (Not Joking) -Rio 1 Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Toss the junk mail. If she wanted it she would have already come by and taken it, or made arrangements to pick it up. Unless, of course, there are pizza coupons. Use 'em! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 I'm gonna get laid instead. (Not Joking) -Rio I think if I was getting laid right now the temptation to break NC would easily go away. *hides from Cal Gal* Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 Toss the junk mail. If she wanted it she would have already come by and taken it, or made arrangements to pick it up. Ah but she doesn't know about the junk mail. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 A little extreme, CaliGuy, on keeping NC...but if it works.... (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 A little extreme, CaliGuy, on keeping NC...but if it works.... (Smile) -Rio How does one go about finding a FWB? I don't even know where to start. Since I was with the Ex for two years I didn't have any female aquaintences. I've been on strict NC with her since Dec 9th. It's been almost two months since I have called, emailed or otherwise talked to her. When I saw her on the 17th it was business related (not initiated by me or her) and I said a total of 6 words to her. I'm not going to lie. I miss her a lot. What's kept me on NC is my self-respect and the simple fact she is seeing someone else. I know it's going very well or I'd have heard from her by now asking for some help with something. She always asks me a dumb question to initiate contact. Kind of like...asking about a stupid bill. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 CaliGuy, Way to make sure you would never have to worry anymore about the ex coming back would be to get your ex on the phone and let the one you're sleeping with tell her all the things she was doing wrong. Just a thought. But I'm pretty damn sure it would all be over then.. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Do I want her? Yes, but not the way she was and certainly not how she perceives me to be now (clingy, insecure, spineless in some facets). I guess my problem is that if I continue to shut the door, she will never contact me, even if she wanted to. She's proven that to me in all our discussions about her Ex's. This is confusing. And IMO when it gets too confusing, it's too much trouble. Or more trouble than it's worth. If you don't want her the way she was you don't want her. Never get into anything where you want someone to change. WOn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 RE: CaliGuy: " How does one go about finding a FWB? I don't even know where to start. " Does she have a sister? (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 CaliGuy, Way to make sure you would never have to worry anymore about the ex coming back would be to get your ex on the phone and let the one you're sleeping with tell her all the things she was doing wrong. Just a thought. But I'm pretty damn sure it would all be over then.. -Rio True but she'd see through that. Sex with us was...ummm.....phenominal. She volunteered that. She once said "I couldn't marry you because we'd be like rabbits. We never leave the house." I was like "Way to manipulate me, dammit!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 RE: Does she have a sister? (Smile) -Rio Yeah but she's ... nothing like her. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 CaliGuy...it could have been that it was just you who was phenomenal....and she was only the random element....easily replaced by another. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 She may have been all that -and a bag of chips, BUT...trust me on this, -she isn't the end-all, be-all of your love life. It's got a l-o-n-g way to go before it taps out, my friend. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 This is confusing. And IMO when it gets too confusing, it's too much trouble. Or more trouble than it's worth. If you don't want her the way she was you don't want her. Never get into anything where you want someone to change. WOn't work. I don't expect her to change. If she did it would be a monumental accomplishment. I won't hold out hope of a reconcillation simply because I don't forsee it happening (though I never say never). She has said time and time again, "If God changes my heart...." I think that was her way of keeping me on the line. She said many times I have a lot of the qualities she was looking for in a husband. My issues were lack of self-esteem, confidence and overall just being happy. The last few months especially I've really worked hard on those issues. I could never go back to the way I was. How does one know you have changed for the better if you're always on NC. I mean, I totally agree with the concept. I also know second chances rarely work unless one or both partners have changed or the situation has changed. She probably hasn't changed much, but I do know she is curious. She wouldn't be telling others such great things about me if she hadn't. Normally she would not respond at all. I'm the one who has changed. I'm much stronger, independent, confident and self-assured (and I am not just saying that.) I've been working out intensely, hanging with friends, diving totally into my hobbies and working a helluva lot on my own issues. Issues that not only drove us apart but would drive any relationship I have in the future apart. It was my own personal insecurities, my clingy-ness that drove her away. I've proven a lot by not contacting her. I mean, in the past I couldn't go one or two days without calling her, emailing her, IM'ing or otherwise trying to reach her. That proves to me that I have changed. I know I have. Now, I am not pining over her. But I am struggling with what to do here. If I never reply to her email or say thanks for the gift, she will definitely think I am shutting her out for good. Truth is, I don't want to do that. I will leave the door open IF and only IF her heart has changed. I will accept nothing less than a full committment from her. Anything else is toying with my heart and I won't let her do that. I'm at an impass here. What to do...what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 If you reply, you have to do it with no expectations and offer nothing of yourself. I think the example you posted accomplishes the second part. "Sorry, I haven't seen any mail for you at the house. Hope all is well." I think that's polite without putting yourself on the line and doesn't pressure her or put expectations on her. As long as you really don't expect anything and will be able to go about your life perfectly fine even if she doesn't respond, then I don't see any reason not to send it. You have to know accept that there's a very good chance she won't respond immediately, because you don't ask her anything or give her anything she would feel compelled to respond to (which is good, because it's not pressuring). Based on what you've said though, the chances that she'll contact you again after she's already made contact without response are pretty low. But you can send her that email at any time. If you have doubts about whether you're strong enough or over her enough to be fine no matter what her response is, then don't send it. Don't let outside events like the communication with her mom rush you into contact that you're not ready for yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 CaliGuy...it could have been that it was just you who was phenomenal....and she was only the random element....easily replaced by another. -Rio Rio, thank you. I think I am a great guy. I just lacked confidence and self-esteem. I often talked down to her because I was angry at her for not returning my love. I could never let up on the relationship because she wasn't giving anything back. My desire to know why dictated my feelings. I know why now. I know that I've changed - significantly. I want to leave the door open a crack, but keep walking, ya know? I mean, I want to meet someone else. I want to start dating. Right now I'd like to boink like there's no tomorrow. The attraction I have to the Ex transcends anything I've ever experienced in my life. It's what made me act like a goof, a nerd, someone with little confidence and self-esteem. Too clingy. In NO WAY would I ever beg to have her back. Heck, I won't be the one to initiate it, that's for sure. But if I close the door and she wants back in (which is ideal for me, because in that situation I get to make the choice, not her) then she won't initiate it. She needs to know she can contact me. Maybe it's best to wait for the gift and send a message to her mom, her dad and her (so it's not her directly) and just say "Thanks for the gift, that was very kind of you all. Take care." and leave it at that? See, I'm great at giving advice, but when my heart is involved, I can not take my own.... Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 CG- No need to hide - you are just an easy target to tease (yep, especially when the horns are up)! Sorry - don't mean to send you over the edge... Don't contact her CG! You seemed to be on the right track before. Keep yourself occupied! Call those other gals you had going and get something lined up for tonight and/or tomorrow. If not, go to a movie alone to get your mind off life and occupied with a new concept... etc.... No need to send her any note, she knows you are grateful for a kind gesture. You need to distract yourself asap! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Share Posted January 27, 2006 If you reply, you have to do it with no expectations and offer nothing of yourself. I think the example you posted accomplishes the second part. "Sorry, I haven't seen any mail for you at the house. Hope all is well." I think that's polite without putting yourself on the line and doesn't pressure her or put expectations on her. As long as you really don't expect anything and will be able to go about your life perfectly fine even if she doesn't respond, then I don't see any reason not to send it. You have to know accept that there's a very good chance she won't respond immediately, because you don't ask her anything or give her anything she would feel compelled to respond to (which is good, because it's not pressuring). Based on what you've said though, the chances that she'll contact you again after she's already made contact without response are pretty low. But you can send her that email at any time. If you have doubts about whether you're strong enough or over her enough to be fine no matter what her response is, then don't send it. Don't let outside events like the communication with her mom rush you into contact that you're not ready for yet. Ok, I hear you. I'm not expecting anything with this email. What I want to accomplish is basically letting her know I heard her. That I can communicate with her, but I don't want to be her "buddy." If I leave it at that, then if she wants to communicate with me later she knows she can. If I never respond to any of her messages then she will assume that I have shut the door completely and even if her heart changes, i won't answer the knock at the door. In answering her this way I am not setting any expectations. I seriously doubt she will reply. If she does it will days, maybe weeks. That is her way of dealing with ex's. Like I said, it's been a month (well 34 days to be exact) since she wrote this email and just the other day I got a piece of junk mail. So in essence I have a reason to reply that isn't, at least on the surface, ulterior. It doesn't set an expecation of a reply. It doesn't ask any personal information. It just says "I heard you." I'll wait a couple of hours to hear some more responses and then I'll weigh what is best for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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