Talk me out of this (even I'm not always strong)

[Mz. Pixie]

CG-

 

Have you even READ your signature.

 

This woman dated you for two years- you took her back the last time she pulled this kind of crap- don't you think she knows the door is open if she's interested?? SHE KNOWS YOU.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HER.

[bluetuesday]

my concern is that if I never reply to any of her messages that if her heart does change one day that she will not initiate contact based on what she told me about her ex's.

 

i'm with B_O. don't contact her. she's with someone else, and so will you be all the sooner if you stop this.

 

I'm thinking long term, not today, tomorrow or next week.

 

thinking long term affects today, tomorrow and next week. if you leave a space for her, there won't be room for anyone else. not fully.

 

if she doesn't realise how utterly unliveable-without you are, she won't come back.

 

and stop comparing yourself to her ex. her not contacting him is only relevant to this situation if she sees you the same way she saw him.

 

if she does, her decision is already final and she doesn't want you back.

 

if she doesn't, there's a chance she'll want you back. so you not contacting her won't matter to her in the same way that her ex not contacing her didn't matter to her. geddit?!

 

have a great time in vegas.

[CaliGuy]

Too late. Contact made and her response is pretty much what I expected.

 

No, I can't take her back the way she is now. Obviously if her heart had changed or she wanted to chat, she would have said much more. I know it's going well with the new guy so I wasn't expecting much anyway.

 

If anything my curiosity is satisfied and accomplished what I sought out, to leave the door open a crack for her.

 

BT, I have no one right now. I imagine if I did it would be much easier to resist thinking about her. I need to find someone who generates a spark. So far no luck.

 

I know what I miss is the companionship, not necessarily her.

[blind_otter]

Well IMO it's pretty damn sad if you have to have someone to get over someone else.

 

I'm single because I have to be. I'm in AA. It sucks. But I have to do it. And goddamn it it it doesn't make me think about things differently. To sit with myself and see how I like to be just with ME. And how not liking to be with just ME and needing other people to get over ex's has been part of what f***s up the relationships I've been consciously trying to make healthier.

 

f*** that s***. Be alone for a while. Deal with it. It makes you a better person.

 

CIOC has been the subject of much PM discussion lately

[CaliGuy]

Well IMO it's pretty damn sad if you have to have someone to get over someone else.

 

I don't need someone else to get over her, I said it would help. It would make me move on faster. Getting over her has been a process I've dealt with on my own. I'm ready to meet someone now.

 

I'm single because I have to be. I'm in AA. It sucks. But I have to do it. And goddamn it it it doesn't make me think about things differently. To sit with myself and see how I like to be just with ME. And how not liking to be with just ME and needing other people to get over ex's has been part of what f***s up the relationships I've been consciously trying to make healthier.

 

Good that you are in AA. Many people never realized it. I wish my mom would have gone. She'd still be here today.

 

f*** that s***. Be alone for a while. Deal with it. It makes you a better person.

 

Been alone for a while now. Like I said, I'm ready to start dating.

 

CIOC has been the subject of much PM discussion lately

 

What's a CIOC?

[cygny]

Now, I am not pining over her. But I am struggling with what to do here. If I never reply to her email or say thanks for the gift, she will definitely think I am shutting her out for good. Truth is, I don't want to do that. I will leave the door open IF and only IF her heart has changed. I will accept nothing less than a full committment from her. Anything else is toying with my heart and I won't let her do that.

 

I'm at an impass here. What to do...what to do....

 

If you need to email her to keep the door open a crack then be more offhand about it. something like--"hey! did i ever reply to this? I can't remember. anyway, no there's been nothing important--i'd have let you known if there had been. see ya."

 

that puts YOU in control. you are over it. you are not placing too much importance on it etc. you're in a carefree mood.

 

your other email was just too studied, too polite, too hopeful, in a way.

[CaliGuy]

If you need to email her to keep the door open a crack then be more offhand about it. something like--"hey! did i ever reply to this? I can't remember. anyway, no there's been nothing important--i'd have let you known if there had been. see ya."

 

that puts YOU in control. you are over it. you are not placing too much importance on it etc. you're in a carefree mood.

 

your other email was just too studied, too polite, too hopeful, in a way.

 

This is what I sent her.

 

"A few weeks ago (I think??) you asked about a bill or something?? The only mail I have seen for you so far was one piece of junk mail that came yesterday. If you'd like I can forward it to you. Hope all is well. "

 

I'm trying to analyze what I wrote and I don't see anything hopeful here. Just polite and to the point. Nothing personal volunteered and nothing personal asked.

 

Her reply was short, as I expected it to be especially if she's still dating the new guy.

 

I wasn't expecting much and that's what I got

[cygny]

I don't need someone else to get over her, I said it would help. It would make me move on faster. Getting over her has been a process I've dealt with on my own. I'm ready to meet someone now.

 

 

 

Been alone for a while now. Like I said, I'm ready to start dating.

 

CIOC has been the subject of much PM discussion lately

 

What's a CIOC?

 

 

I have always been able to get over someone much more quickly by finding a new flame. it fills the void.

[CaliGuy]

I have always been able to get over someone much more quickly by finding a new flame. it fills the void.

 

That's all I am saying. I miss the companionship and bedtime activities more than I miss her. As she is now she wouldn't make a great long term partner so if I can find someone else that would help occupy the space she is currently holding in my head.

 

It's not that I need someone to get over her. I just want someone to fill that empty space.

[cygny]

This is what I sent her.

 

"A few weeks ago (I think??) you asked about a bill or something?? The only mail I have seen for you so far was one piece of junk mail that came yesterday. If you'd like I can forward it to you. Hope all is well. "

 

I'm trying to analyze what I wrote and I don't see anything hopeful here. Just polite and to the point. Nothing personal volunteered and nothing personal asked.

 

Her reply was short, as I expected it to be especially if she's still dating the new guy.

 

I wasn't expecting much and that's what I got

 

i guess i was looking at your prior wording.

 

but your email did show her that you were thinking too hard--IMO--because you mention an email from weeks ago that was pretty insignificant if you were not into her anymore you probably would have forgotten--and to tell her about junk mail is also insignificant.

 

just my take, and you can take it or leave it: be more offhand and carefree if you must contact her for the gift etc. If you show her she's not so important to you anymore, that actually gives her breathing room, in the emotional sense.

 

anyway i think you accomplished what you wanted to, the door is open now.

[skeptik224]

Hey, Cali...sorry i wasn't around earlier to offer my input. Honestly, I think you did the right thing if in your heart, it felt good. A months was kind of long to wait to respond, though. I probably would have waited for the gift. But, either way it goes, you did what you needed to do for you - without expectation. The way you worded it was perfect. Isn't it always the way it goes that you give the best advice but can't follow it when it comes to you??? Anyway, have a great time in Vegas! I have family out there and have definately gotten in my share of trouble...

 

You know, Cali...you might want to check out your old threads and follow them through your break-up. You've grown SO FRICKIN' MUCH....you've learned so much...You give guys like us hope, man...

[CaliGuy]

i guess i was looking at your prior wording.

 

but your email did show her that you were thinking too hard--IMO--because you mention an email from weeks ago that was pretty insignificant if you were not into her anymore you probably would have forgotten--and to tell her about junk mail is also insignificant.

 

just my take, and you can take it or leave it: be more offhand and carefree if you must contact her for the gift etc. If you show her she's not so important to you anymore, that actually gives her breathing room, in the emotional sense.

 

anyway i think you accomplished what you wanted to, the door is open now.

 

Agreed. When the gift comes I was just going to say:

 

"Thanks for the gift. It was very kind and thoughtful of you all. Take care."

 

Door is open a crack. I mentioned the other email to let her know that I saw it and I didn't feel a need to respond until I had seen some mail. I honestly didn't know if she wanted to see the junk mail or not.

 

I feel that because I have not been contacting her I've been giving her plenty of breathing room. If she never contacts me again I suppose it won't matter. I want to be done with her and moving on with someone else sooner rather than later.

[cygny]

That's all I am saying. I miss the companionship and bedtime activities more than I miss her. As she is now she wouldn't make a great long term partner so if I can find someone else that would help occupy the space she is currently holding in my head.

 

It's not that I need someone to get over her. I just want someone to fill that empty space.

 

 

someone made a great post the other day, and i can't remember who (maybe it was you! you've made some great ones, btw)--but it said, you can't get over someone until YOU don't want them back in your life and wouldn't take them back.

 

I thought about it and i think it's working for me.

[CaliGuy]

Hey, Cali...sorry i wasn't around earlier to offer my input. Honestly, I think you did the right thing if in your heart, it felt good. A months was kind of long to wait to respond, though. I probably would have waited for the gift. But, either way it goes, you did what you needed to do for you - without expectation. The way you worded it was perfect. Isn't it always the way it goes that you give the best advice but can't follow it when it comes to you??? Anyway, have a great time in Vegas! I have family out there and have definately gotten in my share of trouble...

 

You know, Cali...you might want to check out your old threads and follow them through your break-up. You've grown SO FRICKIN' MUCH....you've learned so much...You give guys like us hope, man...

 

Thanks. It feels good to know I am growing, changing and becoming a much stronger person. That means I am on my way towards being with Ms. Right instead of Ms. Wrong

 

I worded it as best I could without leaving her with any sense that I am fishing for information or trying to test the waters. She did email and ask and I did wait a very long time. I had to because until yesterday she didn't have any mail.

 

When the gift comes I will be more light, breezy and carefree.

 

I'll have fun in Vegas and no getting in trouble for me

[notmakingsense]

CG --

 

How did it feel, really, when you sent that note, and got that short reply. Did you blood pressure rise a bit when your e-mail system listed a reply from her? Was there a short wave of dissappointment from her not giving you any sign that the door was opening a bit more?

 

For me, that short e-mail exchange you just had would have set me back a week or two in my (now) 2 month NC period.

 

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, except my last exchange with the ex left the ball in her court. I'm at the point now where I'm actually *afraid* to start contact because I know I'm still not well enough to deal with the lack of response.

[CaliGuy]

Did you blood pressure rise a bit when your e-mail system listed a reply from her?

 

A little, mostly at how fast she responded.

 

Was there a short wave of dissappointment from her not giving you any sign that the door was opening a bit more?

 

Not really. I expected it. She doesn't give out any personal information. I didn't send it in hopes of starting a conversation, just to let her know that the door is open for her to talk to me if her heart is changing. It's really been almost 2 months since we've talked at any length. Obviously it's going well with the new guy. She moved within a few minutes of where he lives and gave herself a 1+ hour drive each way to work. I mean, if it wasn't going well she wouldn't be putting herself through that drive every day. So no, I don't feel disappointed much if at all. It's right along what I expected.

 

For me, that short e-mail exchange you just had would have set me back a week or two in my (now) 2 month NC period.

 

If you sent it in hopes of generating a dialog to talk about a reconcilliation then I can see why you'd be hurt. For me, I accomplished what I wanted to and I am sure if her heart changes she'll email me. I think she'd have to fall pretty hard though for her to realize what she had with me. She has no reason to think about me when she's getting what she needs from someone else.

 

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, except my last exchange with the ex left the ball in her court. I'm at the point now where I'm actually *afraid* to start contact because I know I'm still not well enough to deal with the lack of response.

 

I can see how you'd feel that way if you were expecting a reply. In my case I didn't even think she would at all, so the fast response was nice. At least it means we're on civil terms. I booted her out.

 

I guess what bugs me is she cried over her last two boyfriends. When she left my house she was happy and excited. I was like: WTF?! I'm still angry over that. haha.

[UT_longhorn]

CG...

 

i wish i would have seen this thread earlier as well as I, from my last experience this past Tuesday would have said "DO NOT SEND IT!!!" But I also remember why the Tuesday incident occurred...and that's because I had the overwhelming urge to know. I just had to know...and nothing could stop me. It did set me back, as I think this may set you back just a bit, but I did bounce back faster than expected and I'm sure you will too.

 

I would say - as long as she is with a guy, i dont think any sort of communication is advised. You have your answers...so go hit it up in Vegas dude. Im actually leaving for the airport to go to Vegas myself in 30 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cygny]

well i must say i'm impressed with how maturely you seem to be handling this.

 

i doubt i'd be that calm if i had done what you just did.

[crazy_grl]

CG, glad to hear you got a quick response. Sounds like you're handling it well. My advice is just keep doing what you're doing, don't think too much about what you said in the email or how you might have said it differently, and since you don't have to worry what her response will/won't be, have a great time in Vegas.

[CaliGuy]

cygny/crazy, et al:

 

It's just a matter of perspective. I went from Dec. 9th to today without initiating any contact. I know where she is and what is going on in her life. She's got another guy and she's happy. Had I completely shut her out I know she would not feel comfortable contacting me in the future if her heart changes.

 

That's a big if.

 

I left the door open for her but it won't last forever. I'm serious about hitting the market again and finding someone who is a better fit.

 

I guess this was the first test to see how I have progressed.

 

I'm not panicking.

I'm not upset.

I'm not over-analyzing what she said.

I'm not sitting here with my cell in my hand trying to call her (deleted her # anyway).

I'm not remorseful for sending the email.

I'm not expecting anything.

 

I'm all growned-up My initial fears that I would say or do something stupid have passed.

 

Now I can have fun in Vegas!

[cal gal]

Thanks. It feels good to know I am growing, changing and becoming a much stronger person. That means I am on my way towards being with Ms. Right instead of Ms. Wrong

 

 

I am happy that are still on a good mental path after a trying day!!!

 

 

 

I'll have fun in Vegas and no getting in trouble for me

 

 

Dang CG - Maybe you are a guy that needs to be looking for a bit of trouble in Vegas.... go have fun, and live a little.

 

Hey - if it gives you any solice - some of us have it worse than you do. I'm trying to get over my ex. We were married 20 years, not two!!!!

 

I haven't had sex with another man except him for 23 years, and I am expected to get over someone I thought I loved dearly! And yes, like you the sex was always incredible. I really am afraid it won't be as amazing with another man. That would be a drag!

 

Just try not to think backwards, and go forward... go have a fun weekend away! Look for a great gal having a good time and buy her a drink or take her dancing!!!!

 

Whatever you do - do NOT mention your ex to another gal you want to have fun with! She's there to have FUN with you... if you can pick her up, that is...

 

Good luck in Vegas, what happens there - stays there (yep, I'm a bad girl!)

 

[soar eyes]

CG,

 

If u are happy so am I. This post was an example of all the support from its members coming to you when you needed it.

 

I hope that the lessons you learn thru your breakup will give you whatever it is positive you can get out of it.

 

You kept saying how she is doing o.k with her new bf. Its only been 2 months. Please... they are still googy eyed. Give em a couple of more months.

 

Time is ticking, enjoy yourself in Vegas.

[CaliGuy]

CG,

 

If u are happy so am I. This post was an example of all the support from its members coming to you when you needed it.

 

I hope that the lessons you learn thru your breakup will give you whatever it is positive you can get out of it.

 

You kept saying how she is doing o.k with her new bf. Its only been 2 months. Please... they are still googy eyed. Give em a couple of more months.

 

Time is ticking, enjoy yourself in Vegas.

 

I'm back. Had a great time, lost $100.00 on craps (awwww crap! haha). Anyway, thanks for the kind words.

 

I am happy she is happy. I just want to move on with my life and erase her from my memory, but not the lessons I have learned.