For Cheaters and Those That Are "IN LOVE" with a Cheater.

[Prettyinblack]

I just have to get this off my chest......I hope I am posting in the right spot, but if not, forgive me.

I am a 40 year old woman who found out my boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me exactly one month ago yesterday. I have spoken to the OW, ended the relationship with the b/f and am in process in terms of putting my shattered world back together.

 

I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, did he? I doubt it.

I 'worked' on the relationship, did he? No, he got his needs met else where.

I wanted to go to counselling for the issues, did he? No, there are no issues with the OW but he never said that because I never knew about her.

I would have rolled a penny from one end of town to the other for him. Would have he? No, it is easier to get a 'fix' from the OW.

I took responsibility for my part of our problems. Did he? No, I became the reason for his angst even though he was creating more problems with having an affair.

 

This is how this has affected me as the 'Significant Other'.

The person I trusted more than anyone else in the world has become the person I can trust the least in the world.

I alternate between anger and breaking down in tears in the most inappropriate places.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I am spending too much time saying "if only".

I hate him.

I love him.

I miss him.

I never want to see his face again or I swear, Lorena Bobett will have NOTHING on me.

My friends tell me to get over him and I keep looking for that switch so I can just forget I ever knew him.

I am seeing a therapist who is in disbelief that he did this and is helping me work through my feelings even though I don't know how I feel most days.

I hate men. (just for now, I hope)

I wonder how she is in bed.

I visualize them in bed even though she was his 'back-up' chick when we had problems.

I don't blame her.

And through it all, I wonder what I did wrong.

This is the effect of an affair on the Significant Other.

I can only compare how I am feeling with the death of losing both my parents, although now, this does feel worse. At least I knew they loved me. I sit here today and ask myself if he ever did........I ask myself who this lovely bastard is and was.....is he the same person? I ask myself lots of questions while trying to fill up my time when I am not at work.

 

So, for those of you who are attracted to that nice married man at work, or your best friends husband, mother's husband, next door neighbor, former boy/girlfriend that is now married, don't do it. Please don't do it. The cheater has no idea of the pain that will be caused because of indiscretions and may not care. But for those of us who love our partners, the pain is unbearable. I do believe hearts do break.........i felt mine break the night I found out and I still have a physical pain in my chest.

 

For the cheaters............don't do this to someone who loves you, no matter how bad it is. Just get out or get counseling. My father told me years ago that we need to be careful in who we choose for our partner in life....they will either create % 80 of your Heaven or % 80 of your Hell. I am in Hell right now. No person in this world deserves what I have gone through in the last month. Nobody.

[cedric4691]

I know this doesn't help much, but there are others here who are going through the same thing, and know how you feel.

 

I want a "rewind life" button so I can go back and do something to prevent her from betraying me. But at the same time, I shouldn't be the one who has to do anything to prevent it. I am not the most perfect man in the world, but I never cheated on her, never abused her, and have always tried to communicate my needs and feelings honestly to her. If there was something lacking in our marriage, she should have come to me rather than turning to other men.

 

Nothing stops the hurt, though. I guess only time will heal the wounds.

[coasting]

Nicely worded Prettyinblack...Please do go to the Forum in "the other man/woman" that is titled I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, not even them,

and read my story. I am not the other woman, I am the SO, of the person who shattered my world, back on November 19, 2005.

I really can relate to what you are going through in all ways.It's funny as I was driving home tonight I was thinking of how to word a forum called "The Ultimate Betrayal." After reading your thread here I have to say you have summed up my feelings.

The pain is unbearable and I also related it to losing my father to death. At least in that situation we had no choice but to say good bye.

Everyone tells me to move on and not to ever take him back because he really

has committed the ultimate betrayal, against me. I know I deserve so much better, but I also know that you can brainwash the mind, but you can not brainwash the heart.I love this guy more then words could ever say, and there

is nothing I would not have done for him.

I think in reality they will find that the grass is not greener on the other side, and they will eventually realize what they gave up. Just try to be strong, and please read that forum as there is so much good advise in there, from a person who has actually turned out to be a dear internet buddy, as she really pulled me through the hardest times of this betrayal.

I am here for you!

[Prettyinblack]

Thank you........

[stockmos]

Prettyinblack, I am sorry to read that and I think the advice you have given is right.

 

However, as you can see from these forums and in real life, people cheat.

 

You feel very angry now, but the fact is, however hard it may be to face that someone who cheats is not a bad person. Just human. Humans make mistakes. All the time.

 

You say you did everything for him, but, although this is very unpalatable, if he could have his say on this forum, he would undoubtedly have a different story to tell. That is not to say that your view is not fair; but there really are two sides to every story; however hard that be to accept.

 

I have been cheated on in the past, and I know that my own behaviour contributed to this. I didn't do anything bad, it was just how the relationship ended up in its closing phase. She didn't "set out" to cheat; she was, and I am sure, still is, a good person who got very mixed emotions at that point.

 

Even though cheating is devasting, as you rightly say, in the majority of relationships there is rarely a "villian" and a victim. Just very confused people with very mixed up emotions.

 

You are right that people shouldn't cheat. In an ideal world.

 

Finally, I am very surprised that your therapist is "in disbelief" about this, since I would have expected him or her to present a more objective but still sympathetic view of the situation.

[theantibarbie23]

You feel very angry now, but the fact is, however hard it may be to face that someone who cheats is not a bad person. Just human. Humans make mistakes. All the time.

 

Not every cheater is a bad person but then again they aren't ALL poor confused souls ethier. There are plenty of self-absorbed people walking around that could care less about other people's feelings.

 

I don't know why you feel the need to defend the virtue of cheaters to this woman. It's not what you are saying isn't valid, but she shouldn't be made to feel she's being too judgemental of someone whom just devastated her. If she wants to hate him let her.... it's perfectly normal and a part of the healing proccess.

[Prettyinblack]

I don't hate him.........just the opposite. But as we all know, there is a thin line between love and hate, especially when infidelity is the issue.

My therapist has met my SO.....and was under the impression that we were "working on it." He lied to her, lied to friends of ours and did whatever he could to end up smelling like a rose. He played the victim while I sat around wondering what in the Heck was going on and doing all I could to ease his terror of "commitment". That was the real issue between us....There is no better way to create emotional distance, than to have an affair.

When things got rough between us, (and he could start an argument in an empty room), he would use the 'back-up chick' to alleviate his emotional despair instead of 'working on it.' The only difficulty is, he wasn't honest in his double life. If you want to move on, fine.....just have some integrity about it and then do it. No one wants to be the trigger person.....

He didn't want our relationship to end......if he did, he would have said so or felt some relief at being caught with 'his pants down'. Instead, he continued to lie about it, justifying his behavior and hoping I would buy the lies.

I don't feel pity for him. I feel he is irresponsible in his behavior and can't believe he got caught.

My part in the whole thing boils down to believing him.....I have never been a possessive person and gave him all the rope he needed to hang himself. And he did.

We all know that relationships go through phases. The initial rush of infatuation, the period of disillusionment, and then the commitment phase. If you read my previous posts, you will see that I was trying to figure out what was going on and thinking it was 'this issue or that issue' but in reality, it wasn't any of those things he was having trouble with. He was having trouble with the commitment and I was hoping he was working through it.

And by the way, the phone just rang and it's him. I didn't answer.....

[incognito]

I just have to get this off my chest......I hope I am posting in the right spot, but if not, forgive me.

I am a 40 year old woman who found out my boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me exactly one month ago yesterday. I have spoken to the OW, ended the relationship with the b/f and am in process in terms of putting my shattered world back together.

 

I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, did he? I doubt it.

I 'worked' on the relationship, did he? No, he got his needs met else where.

I wanted to go to counselling for the issues, did he? No, there are no issues with the OW but he never said that because I never knew about her.

I would have rolled a penny from one end of town to the other for him. Would have he? No, it is easier to get a 'fix' from the OW.

I took responsibility for my part of our problems. Did he? No, I became the reason for his angst even though he was creating more problems with having an affair.

 

This is how this has affected me as the 'Significant Other'.

The person I trusted more than anyone else in the world has become the person I can trust the least in the world.

I alternate between anger and breaking down in tears in the most inappropriate places.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I am spending too much time saying "if only".

I hate him.

I love him.

I miss him.

I never want to see his face again or I swear, Lorena Bobett will have NOTHING on me.

My friends tell me to get over him and I keep looking for that switch so I can just forget I ever knew him.

I am seeing a therapist who is in disbelief that he did this and is helping me work through my feelings even though I don't know how I feel most days.

I hate men. (just for now, I hope)

I wonder how she is in bed.

I visualize them in bed even though she was his 'back-up' chick when we had problems.

I don't blame her.

And through it all, I wonder what I did wrong.

This is the effect of an affair on the Significant Other.

I can only compare how I am feeling with the death of losing both my parents, although now, this does feel worse. At least I knew they loved me. I sit here today and ask myself if he ever did........I ask myself who this lovely bastard is and was.....is he the same person? I ask myself lots of questions while trying to fill up my time when I am not at work.

 

 

Everything you've written here, I've felt and/or still feel. Was anything real? Did he ever actually love me like he said he did? What about all the things we've gone through and overcome....were they real? Or was he just playing me like a fool. What about all the things he says now that I've found out the truth? Do I believe those or are they just more lies. I love him. I hate him. I'm confused. Why did he do this??? Why didn't he just tell the truth. What does he really feel?

 

FWIW, I am the other woman. My BF, whom I would have done anything for, whom I love like I've never loved anyone else, lied to me about being married for our entire 2 yr relationship.