I'm all messed up.... !

[Abigail777]

OK...I am going to try to keep this short. I broke it off with an ex-boyfriend over 12 years ago. It was a messy break-up....basically, I was madly in love with him as he was with me, but I knew he wasn't the one for me (I did not want to settle down so young, wanted to explore the future, etc....). I had just graduated college (I was 23) and he was 28 with 2 small children from a previous g-f. He was my "bad-boy"...even spent a night in jail...but I digress. He was completely hot and the sex was unbelievable, but we fought alot and after a 1 1/2 years...I got sick of the "bad-boy".

 

I broke it off with him several times, but went back because I was in love and was very attracted to him. I finally succeeded in breaking up with him, but he persisted for months to get back with me. After NC for 4 months I found out he was dating a former co-worker and after a jealous reconnection (on my part), I finally let go and haven't seen nor heard from him in almost 12 years. I had heard from friends that he married this former co-worker and they had a daughter and that he was a sales rep for a large retailer in a town where I live. Other than avoiding this store, I really haven't much thought of him in the past 12 years.

 

I have moved on with my life...a few relationships, and then I got married 3 years ago. I am madly in love with my husband and he is everything I could have ever hoped for....even more. I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage....ever!

 

Anyway, as you can imagine, I saw my ex a week ago from a distance. At first I panicked and left the store. Then I thought...How stupid....I should just get what I need...and went back in. Of course I ran into him and we proceeded to exchange small talk. When he first saw me, I could see "hurt/surprise" in his eyes, which made me sad. He confirmed the marriage/daughter thing as did I.....but, boy, was he still incredibly sexy! Now for the past week I have not been able to stop thinking about him. I feel horrible because the last thing I want to do it hurt my husband....not by anything I would do...because that is completely out of the questions, but I feel I have "betrayed" him because I have been thinking of my ex so much.

 

I have been feeling "love-sick" this week and thinking, what our lives (with my ex) would have been like if I would have stayed....kinda "romancing" the past. I have even been thinking about asking my ex out for lunch just to catch-up...nothing more. I feel bad about hurting him so badly so many years ago and feel like I need "closure" somehow.

 

Am I being selfish? How bad of an idea is this? Do you think I should just let this go? This is driving me crazy!!!!