Should your mate be your personal Porn star?

[GeneralQuestion]

Should your mate be your personal porn star? I don't mean acting like one or dressing like one on a regular basis or even on a regular basis in the bedroom. My question is at it's very basis about how one should feel about their spouse both sexually and emotionally. How important is it that the person you marry, in your mind, is your personal porn star? Will clarify more if need be.

[amerikajin]

Clarification needed. I think I know where you're going with this, but why not just be clear?

[barfool]

Yes, you should enjoy each other sexually. No, you shouldn't perform acts that you are not comfortable with. But you will find that sometiimes your comfort level will change and you will enjoy doing more with your partner.

 

I have a feeling from this post that what you mean is the difference between sex just for pleasure vs. "making love". In a relationship it is fine to do both. Just because you love that person doesn't mean that you always have to make the act of sex a relationship-building-device. It can still be a purely pleasurable act as well.

[tinktronik]

absolutely, okay only in my dreams.

[RecordProducer]

A married couple needs to operate as a serious and responsible community above all. When you're lovers, you have fun, sex, and romance. But when you're married, you share life together. Life is not always pink roses and sunny days. Both spouses should be mature and love each other deeply in order to be prepared for difficulties, possible illness, sacrifice, mutual help, raising children, making money and paying the bills, etc.

 

Whether you start loving someone because they are sexy or smart or whatever reason, it doesn't matter; love is love. But when the love is there, it can't be based on sex solely. Moreover, sex is based on love when you're married.

 

I have two answers for your question:

 

1. If your husband is:

- looking for excuses to cheat on you

- accuses you of not being like the porn stars

- demands sex when you're not in the mood, although you have sex quite often

 

then you have a right to say "no" to his wishes. I had a boyfriend who never cared about my sexual needs, no foreplay, five-minute play, no cuddling... and he always wanted it when I wasn't in the mood although we did it daily (we were together for six years).

 

2. On the other hand, I have another answer also. If your husband wants to have sex regularly and you are usually (or never) in the mood, you don't like to give head, you don't like some positions that he loves, you've gained a lot of weight and/or don't care about how you look or act (in bed too)... then my advice would be to start being his "porn star" for a change.

[Curmudgeon]

Life is not always pink roses and sunny days. Both spouses should be mature and love each other deeply in order to be prepared for difficulties, possible illness, sacrifice, mutual help, raising children, making money and paying the bills, etc.

 

Ya think?

 

I quite agree. That's life in the real world.

 

I don't want a porn star for a partner. If I did, I could probably find one easily enough. I want someone who's not unduly inhibited, is sensitive to my needs as well as hers and who is strong and confident enough to tell me what she likes and what she doesn't.

[OrigPostGuest]

As the original poster, let me come out with my situation.

 

Been dating a man I love for 5 years. We have had the problems and issues that every couple has. I can decipher between the big issues (infidelity, etc). and the little ones (who's turn is it to clean the kitchen?).

 

Right now we're in the midst of a big one.

 

Like I said, been together 5 years. 3 of those years he's been on blood pressure meds and in a high-stress environment. That makes for what was once a bunny-like sexual relationship to more of a once or twice a month sorta deal.

 

At the time all that changed, it was difficult for me. It pained me because I wasn't getting from him the sexual intimacy I needed--not to be confused with orgasms mind you. The making love vs. the screwing. He was always tired, or not "up" to the job precisely when I asked if it was alright to have sex. We didn't stop having sex completely. We just sex on this sort of schedule that worked best for him. I didn't like it and I felt it was my right to tell him I didn't like it, but that I would do it and was happy to do it if it meant that this was what needed to be done for our relationship. I helpfully pointed out that perhaps he could ease my dislike if he could just throw me a bone here and there by having sex when I wanted to, but that bone was far and few between.

 

I chose not to leave because I said to myself, "This is the life in front of you. You can throw away a lot that is ideal because of a very little bit that is not ideal." So I stayed for all that was ideal. I knew he'd be on meds for forever, but he wasn't going to be in the high-stress environment for forever. Perhaps, things could change.

 

I now find out, 5 months before our wedding, that another part, an equal third if you will, to our lack of sexual intimacy is because I gained weight. He says that there were times when he couldn't finish, or couldn't maintain because my weight was a problem for him.

 

Of course, this has been crushing to my self-esteem, to say the least. At the very least, I'm very angry and hurt that I've been lied to for at least 3 years. This was a problem and he didn't come to me with it. What I heard in that time was, I'm tired, it's the meds, I have no libido. Now it is, I WAS tired, it WAS the meds, but it also was that you were too fat, Oh and, I'd been secretly jacking off to porn to appease the libido I told you I didn't have.

 

So, literally, I am wondering, if it's important for your spouse to be your porn star. To be the person you admire and want as the ideal in your bed because he STILL wants to be married, very much, and to ME!. I just cannot fathom why when clearly who I was, was a problem for him.

[BeFree]

There is a huge difference between being not being the personal porn star and just not wanting to have sex with you. Huge difference. I a feeling really bad for you right now. This must be a really hard thing for you to deal with. I think the best advice would be counseling seperately and together. you need to discuss with someone, if you should marry someone who feels this way. And if you do stay together, you need to go to couple counseling. I have been with someone for three years who had a kidney transplant and is on all kinds of meds. including high blood pressure. He isn't wanting it every day, but at least weekly. His case may be completely different than your BF's, but I really think you need to take a long hard look at what he is saying to you. I have a couple of questions. Are your extremely over weight, where it is a medical issue? Or are we talking about 20-30 pounds?

[roxyg]

I don't think having a personal "porn-star" is going to do anything in the means of sex. It gets old having someone that just wants to f*ck; you want passion and romance as time goes by. The occasional screw is good, and keeps things alive when you are feeling like the flame may be dying, but a porn star I think not. As the above poster said, counseling would definately be good for both of you. Did you feel as if your weight was an issue at the time or even now? And, if he is going to lie to you about something so petty now, what's it going to be later? I hope the best for you and your s.o. especially since you two have been together for so long.