When is it too much???

[desperately_hopeless]

Complicatedly long situation but if even one person can shed some light, it would really help.

 

Okay so, I have been dating this guy for almost five years now... of course, in the beginning things were great! He has never had a woman be so attentive to his needs and so affectionate with him and so we was absolutely wonderful to me. Well, about two years into the relationship I realized that he had some real control issues. We started to fight a lot and it got to the point where he would begin to yell at me and by the end of the night I was either having something thrown at me or being thrown around. Now granted I believe that I was at fault for giving him that much power and control over me but this is the first time I had really loved anyone and was determined to do everything for him. The problems between us had become apparent to my coworkers and I received so much advice and consolation from one guy that I let him get closer and closer. I realized this guy was really into me when he would get completely enraged at the fact that I would go to work bruised and with a million excuses as to how they got there. Needless to say, I began a relationship with him and I know that it was stupid and that I was naive and vulnerable and no one deserves to be cheated on no matter how horrible they act. Well, my boyfriend found out and I explained everything to him without hesitation. I love him and don't want to be without him and although we had our problems, I know that it would never be that bad again and we have since become really close except for when he starts to think about it, it seems to consume him and now he's forcing me to do awful things to "make up" for what I did. Is that right??? I know that I can make him happy and that's all I want to do but how much is too much???

[d'Arthez]

First of all, your boyfriend seems to be abusing you. You can't talk that right, no matter what. You can come up with a billion justifications for his behavior, as he probably has done for the past years. But it is still abusive behavior - and his justifications are just rationalizations with the sole intent of showing why he can treat you so badly.

 

Right now he holds you to standards of behavior he does not attain himself. That is one problem.

 

And if you are going to stay with him, you are in for a ride. Because whatever he does to you, nothing can restore the damage you have done to him, because you cheated on him. So he will take the "right" to beat you. To call you names. Degrade you.

If he messes up, no matter in what form or intent, he will blame you as you cheated on him. That will be his eternal "get out of jail free card."

 

As for loving him, that is one deception abused people tremendously suffer from. Because you do not love him. You do love the image you have of him, which is largely based on the first two years, when he was still Mr. Wonderful. You are justifying his behavior, saying that he is stressed, that you should not be a stupid cow, that you should not have cheated, et cetera.

 

Your determination is commendable, but that does not mean that this guy is the right guy for you. If you love someone, no matter what, you will not beat the loved one. The thought alone should send shivers down one's spine. Yet he is showing his "love" by just doing that.

 

Please consider breaking up with him.

[desperately_hopeless]

Your insight is much appreciated. I do realize that nothing I ever do to show him will ever be enough and I also realize that if he were to ever deceive me in any way, I would ultimately be at fault therefore justifying any awful thing he did but when you've known only one "love" in your life and when you believe that you truly connect with that person on a level that you wouldn't be able to with anyone else, is there really "life" after love? And with that being said, is there truth to the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

[d'Arthez]

The thing is, you have described abuse by your boyfriend. Serious abuse. And he will always refer to your cheating as a reason and justification for his abuse towards you. No amount of love will change that. You will then hold to the belief that the abuse "proves" that he loves you. It does prove, that he can abuse you, and you have grown to accept that. There is a big difference between the two.

 

We started to fight a lot and it got to the point where he would begin to yell at me and by the end of the night I was either having something thrown at me or being thrown around.

And it is not something that stops, simply because you have had enough, but it will go on and worsen, if he does not get a serious grip and seeks ways to address his issues, that result in the abuse towards you. Do not minimize what your own words (in bold) expressed.

 

Be wary of that.

 

There is always life after love. Sure it may not be the easiest life for the first few weeks, months, or even years. But it is not an easy life you have now, either. Don't let fear hold you in a situation of which you know that the situation is unhealthy. It may be causing a lot of fear to consider to step out of the situation, but it will also be a weight that has left your shoulders once you are truly out of it.

 

Truth to "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

That really depends on the person and the circumstances. Given the situation that you have described, I would not be surprised that most people in that situation end up cheating.

Not because they had the conscious desire to do so, but because they are in vulnerable positions, often not knowing what to think, and what to do, as they feel torn between staying and leaving. That is no easy situation at all. And I am willing to wager on the thought that most of the cheaters in those situations would have remained faithful, if their relationship was a non-abusive one.

 

Don't blame yourself for cheating. It happened. And it was a mistake, but not one you actively pursued. In your case it is probably to be once a cheater, and no more. Unless you remain in situations that are similar to your situation at the time the cheating occured.

 

And you only got in the situation, because of the circumstances you were in:

I realized this guy was really into me when he would get completely enraged at the fact that I would go to work bruised and with a million excuses as to how they got there.

The excuses should not be made. No person who loves you, would beat you, and cause bruisings. If a mother treated a child as such, you would call the hotlines, to make certain that this particular mother would not treat this child in this way. No adult should treat another adult in such a way either.

 

Needless to say, I began a relationship with him and I know that it was stupid and that I was naive and vulnerable and no one deserves to be cheated on no matter how horrible they act.

You were naive. Can't blame you for that. You were vulnerable. Can blame your boyfriend for that. Because he was the one who acted so horribly towards you, who made you vulnerable. If he thinks he can treat you like dirt, he has no right to claim that he should be treated like the King of Spain.

Ask yourself, whether you would have entered this affair with the co-worker, if you were happy with your boyfriend? I think you would not.

 

Please, carefully consider the situation you are in. And I know it is hard to make up your mind either way, as you feel torn about everything. But I would suggest to consider leaving this guy, for your own health and mental well-being.

[desperately_hopeless]

What amazing words.... I know exactly what to do, now it will be a matter of gathering all the strength I have to do it. Thank you for your wisdom.

[filarena]

Couldn't agree more with D'Arthez. I know a woman who was abused by her husband for years before she decided to leave. Having been conditioned by her dependence on him, she has come to distrust all man and sees the ultimate goal in life for a woman to be ensuring that you are never dependent on a man. She has never remarried and has little interest in dating. She is also so shaped by this that she strongly pushes her daughter to go to law school just so she can make money, even though her daughter is not particularly interested in law school--just b/c she is afraid her daughter will likewise be trapped.

 

The longer you stay, the worse it will get for you, and not just physically. It will be harder for you to trust men and have functioning relationships further on down the road.

 

And don't allow yourself to believe you can't find love again, or that you can't trust yourself not to cheat. You cheated on this guy b/c he drove you to it. There are decent men out there who will love you for who you are, and act like it too.

[Becoming]

Two words: LEAVE HIM!!!

 

Ok. I need more than two words. Contact your domestic abuse/violence center and ask to speak to a counselor about your situation. He's brainwashed you; it's part of the abuse. So don't listen to him anymore. You are never to blame for abuse. No one deserves it.

 

When you try to leave, there will most likely be the most intense abuse you've ever experienced to date. So you have to plan your escape carefully and go to a safe place and never contact him again. You may need to think about protecting yourself, in which case, you need to stay with someone big and strong or get a big dog who'll protect you.

 

You need to pack a bag and hide it so you can grab it and run if need be. Open your own bank account if you don't already have one. Be smart. Start making the preparations you need to to living life on your own.

 

You can do this! You really can. Keep posting here for support if you need to, OK?

[luckygirlEMU]

Wow... our situatuions are sort of similar.

 

I remember how hard it was for me to leave my last relationship. Our fights would end in lacrosse balls being thrown violently at me or me being shaken around and shoved. He was a great person outside of these factors, and I truly believed that I loved him. We even lived together. Then everything changed when I got a new job and started working with WJ.

 

WJ would get so upset when I would come in with bruises, bumps, etc. He held his tongue, but I knew the few times my bf came into my work that WJ wanted to have words with him. I knew WJ wanted to be my bf, to take care of me. But, like you've said, no one deserves to be cheated on, so with a lot of courage and a lot of support from WJ, my family, and my friends, I finally left. I packed all my belongings and moved out, and told him I couldn't be with him anymore... even though I loved him, I didn't love his actions or the way he behaved in a relationship or the way we constantly fought. It was hard-- i left behind my apartment, my memories of us, and the relationship I had with his family.

 

BUT IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.

 

You are smart and you know that physical abuse isn't right. Not to sound cliche, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you're bound to find one who won't treat you like garbage, no matter what "issues" you have. Good luck, and stay strong.

[desperately_hopeless]

Thank you for the advice and support. I didn't realize the potential this situation had to devistate the rest of my life. Although the thought of leaving rips apart my heart, I know that it has to be done. At times when I sit and watch the awful stories of murders and things on the news I think to myself, "I wonder if they started out the same way," "I wonder if that could be me" and until now I didn't believe it could be. When I posted the first message I was afraid I wouldn't get the constructive critisism I needed but this has turned out to be the best thing I have done. Your messages have made me really sit down and evaluate the situation and see it (and him) for its true worth. I thought the hardest thing in leaving him would be that I love him too much but I realized that won't be the case, the hardest part for me is that I feel like I am giving up and in a way surrendering, and in some sense "taking the easy way out" but I've never been in a situation I couldn't do everything in my power to fix and it feels like I'm the one that has failed the relationship. I used to wonder if I did something to cause him to hit me or degrate me and it's as if I have mentally blocked the second and third year of the relationship out of my mind completely. How do you try to make a fresh start on a healthy relationship when you feel like you've failed the last???

[d'Arthez]

How do you try to make a fresh start on a healthy relationship when you feel like you've failed the last???

 

The first thing to do if you are in a bad situation, is to get out of the situation, and to try to minimize its effects on you. That takes time, that takes support from others. Abuse has serious effects on you, and that shows in your thoughts now as well. They won't be there forever, if you address your issues, when you are out of the situation with your bf.

 

You can't rely on someone else to solve your issues, but you can get support from others to help you deal with the issues.

 

As you are "making sense" of yourself again, understand what it is in life you want, you will see this relationship as a sort of learning experience. You will have learned which things you do not want, and with that hopefully also gain an increased understanding of what is important in life.

[desperately_hopeless]

I guess it's more out of the fear of the unknown that I continue to question what is to come before I even taken a step... I don't know what I want but, I know what I don't want and I don't want to be taken for granted and I don't want to be faulted and labeled a failure and it's that fear of failing that holds me and causes me to rethink the steps I have not yet taken. I hate that my thoughts consume me and that my fears constrain me. I just can't imagine being loved and loving with the same depth that I have with him. The one thing I can't live without is love, I am no one if I don't have someone to love with everything I have inside me.

[desperately_hopeless]

Is it wrong to think this way, to feel this way???

[d'Arthez]

Don't let your fear consume you. Especially if it keeps you in a dangerous situation. It is hard for you to imagine what your life will be like, once you leave. There is no denying that. And once you are outside of the situation, you will be able to see this relationship for what it is, and will be better able to see future relationships for what they will be.

 

You said it: love is important for you. But that does not mean, you should be thanked for your love, by abuse. It means that you should be loved back, taken well care of, by the guy who is lucky enough to be with you, and will treat you as you deserve to be treated. With love. With respect. Without abuse.

 

Don't let your fears consume you. But make preparations for leaving this relationship. And plan them well.

Once you are out, it will mean a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. And it takes a bit of time to adjust to the loss of weight. But once you are used to it, walking is much easier.

[desperately_hopeless]

It just seems as though I'm giving up on a relationship that may be in some way salvagable, and I can't let go of that feeling. How can I let go of that feeling?

 

I'm sure that lots of women do the same thing to themselves but, I've never been through it and it just feels awful. The worst is on our "good days" when everything seems right and it's as if nothing ever went wrong. I just feel so guilty. He is so dependant on all of the things I do for him and I can't imagine how he would manage without me. I know that I feed into his control issues in the way we live our lives together but I just feel like in some way I'm abandoning him...

[Becoming]

Maybe instead of thinking of it as giving up, you could think of it as the first step in being successful to reaching out to receive real love.

 

Listen to Ducky. He's right on. Love and fear don't mix. Choose one. By choosing to have courage (acting in spite of fear), you are opening yourself up to real love.

 

And in knowing what you don't want, you know by oppositional thinking what it is you really do want--to be honored and respected and cherished for who you are. Do you really have that now?

 

You can do this, you really can. And you'll be amazed you ever thought some of the things you've written here after you leave.

[desperately_hopeless]

What makes it extremely difficult at this point is that because I have been unfaithful to him, he doesn't give me a second out of his sight. Although this is going to be extremely difficult, I know I absolutely have to do it. Is it wrong that I worry about him? I'm just trying so hard at this point to understand my feelings and deal with them so as to not lose my sanity and myself as a person amidst all the chaos.

[d'Arthez]

Only worry about him in as far as he can harm you. That is the most important concern. The rest of your worries for him (his well-being, how he is going to manage without you), are not relevant, because then you would be neglecting your own well-being. He has no right to destroy your life, yet he has taken that right. But because he did that, does not entitle him to do as he has done, and continue with that.

 

Of course you are conflicted. People who need to take such brave steps, and cannot go on as they have done before, are always conflicted. But once you take the first step the conflict(s) slowly fade into the background, only to become parts of the past.

Don't expect to have absolute clarity. That is nigh impossible. But do not let the lack of total clarity paralyze you, and keep you in this situation.

 

I am not from the US, but without doubt one of the other people here can provide you with a few links with essential information on how to deal with such a situation, and exactly what to worry about.

[hyakku]

What makes it extremely difficult at this point is that because I have been unfaithful to him, he doesn't give me a second out of his sight. Although this is going to be extremely difficult, I know I absolutely have to do it. Is it wrong that I worry about him? I'm just trying so hard at this point to understand my feelings and deal with them so as to not lose my sanity and myself as a person amidst all the chaos.

 

 

Listen to me. You deserve better. You can get better. Don't take this bull****. He's hanging the cheating over your head (even though that son of a bitch deserved it) and making you do terrible acts. Guess how many other guys are out there that can treat you better and make you happy? BILLIONS. Yes BILLIONS. Drop this sack of crap. I know it sounds like you love him, but he's got you conditioned and degraded enough so that you think you love him, forget this, you don't love him. I want you to do an exercise.

 

I want you to close your eyes and just picture yourself rising from your body and sitting right beside yourself. Now think about the situation logically. Tell your now spiritless body. "He beats you, he hurts you, degrades you, and treats you like ****. You know you don't love him. Move on to a better man." Its simple logic. Why love something that causes you pain? You have developed an ADDICTION. Now you can move on. Break this off, break this addiction, and move onto better men.

 

Pack your bags. STart transferring money into a separate account, and don't let him catch on. Make sure everythings ready, and then LEAVE. Just tell him. Try to make it in the daylight, night just sort of has a strange effect on people. You can do it.

[Becoming]

Nothing is ever so black and white that you're not going to have misgivings about whatever choice you make. That's why we need some objective standards about what is good.

 

Being controlled by another is not good. Look back over all the things that have happened to you. Are they good? Would you want your little sister/neice/friend/daughter to go through what you've been through? Act on your own behalf.

 

Call the domestic violence center ASAP for some real help beyond what we can give you here.