Ending a friendship?

[Art]

I think I might have just lost a friendship. There is this girl I have been friends with for several years. The relationship has always been just platonic. Overall, I consider us pretty good friends.

 

Over the years I've developed feelings for her and I told her how I felt. To make a long story short, she didn't feel the same way about me. So, I told her I respect her decision but I still wanted to be friends, just like we always had.

 

The problem is from time to time, she will ignore my emails and not answer some of them. This is how she is from day one. But this problem has gotten worst in the past few months, I don't know maybe it has something to do with my feelings for her or not. But I have made is clear to her that I'm okay for us to be just friends, and I sincerely mean that.

 

So I sent her this email after I haven't heard from her and told her that it bothers me that she doesn't reply. I said it in a really nice manner, not rude or anything like that at all. Still, I haven't heard from her. I know she is reading her email.

 

My question is should I try to just forget about her? Or should I at least try to find out why she is not writing me back? Maybe calling her? I do feel sad that I might loose this friendship and because it might have something to do with my feelings for her.

 

Did I do the right thing by telling her how I feel? What about the way she has always been by not writing me back from time to time? I feel like I'm the bad guy here, what should I do?

[Tony T]

1. "My question is should I try to just forget about her?"

 

It is rude not to return Email. But at the same time, she is in a very uncomfortable position and she really doesn't know how to deal with a friend who is in love with her.

 

Or she may not be the good friend you thought she was. If she were really a true friend, she would embrace your feelings, have compassion and understanding, and work through this with you in order to preserve the friendship.

 

She probably perceives that you still have feelings for her and that you are coming on too strong here. Back off a bit, stop calling or emailing her, etc. and see what happens.

 

You have to understand that she feels very uncomfortable right now. If you don't have the good sense to back off to show her you're not lovesick over her any longer and that you can live without her, then it's your fault...not hers. Friends go out of their way to make other friends comfortable.

 

2. "Or should I at least try to find out why she is not writing me back?"

 

No, just leave it alone and don't bother her. Don't send her anymore mail. It could be that she's got a new boyfriend and just doesn't want to spend the energy right now. It's still rude but right now, she sees you as a bit of an annoyance. If you want to preserve the friendship, back off until she sees you can handle just a friendship.

 

3. "Maybe calling her? I do feel sad that I might loose this friendship and because it might have something to do with my feelings for her."

 

No, don't call her at all, NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Just let her deal with whatever she's dealing with. You need to focus elsewhere right now. She knows you're still in love with her and she doensn't like it. When she sees you have moved on and are dating other chicks and/or have a steady girlfriend, if she is really your friend you'll hear from her.

 

4. "Did I do the right thing by telling her how I feel?"

 

You bet you did. It was the honest thing to do. And she did the right thing by being honest and telling you she didn't feel the same way. Now you know exactly where you stand. But if you don't move on and look for romance somewhere else, you will be nothing but an annoyance, a nuisance, and irritant to her. Stay away from her and let her lead the dance of friendship for the time being.

 

5. "What about the way she has always been by not writing me back from time to time?"

 

She can write you back anytime. When she just thought you only had platonic feelings for her she felt more free to exchange mail, spend time with you, etc. Now that she knows you have feelings for her, she's going to back off until she knows you've gotten over that. If you keep mailing her often, getting upset when she doesn't write you back, etc., she knows you still have a thing for her and SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT. GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!!!

 

6. "I feel like I'm the bad guy here, what should I do?"

 

Don't make her feel uncomfortable. STOP emailing until she writes you back. Then when you get mail from her, wait three or four days to return the mail and make it very brief. You have got to show her that you are no longer hung up on her.

 

You are one lovesick pup and she knows that. Women are smart in those ways. She is not interested in you romantically and she doesn't want to encourage you in any way. So, if you care about her even a small amount start making things comfortable for her by backing off big time and going about your life.

 

The friendship needs time to repair and the only way that will happen is if you go find romance somewhere else and she senses you no longer have these romantic feelings for her. Obviously you still do...don't lie to yourself. If you didn't, you wouldn't be so upset about this.

 

You absolutely must be honest with yourself. You have to realize you have NO CHANCE with this girl, not now and not ever. Take my word for that. I've been exactly where you are more than just once. I know from first hand experience.

 

The sooner you get it in your head that this is NOT a happening thing, the sooner you move on, the better off you will be. Face your feelings and face the reality of this situation. Be kind to yourself.

 

And, most of all, be honest with yourself. Right now, you really don't want a friendship with this girl. You still hold up the possibility of romance. DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF. She knows this. Get over her, get over the situation. Once you do, you may not even want anything to do with her as a friend.

 

Right now, you are wanting her emails and her friendship because she is still a love object. Get over it. If you need help, see a counsellor.

 

When all is said and done, you probably won't want to be just a platonic friend to her anymore. She knows that too. Women are extremely smart...and she's probably been through this crap with other guys before. Believe me, it's a real pain in the ass for females to deal with these situations and you aren't making it easy for her.