Do I ask her on a date or make friends with her first?

[taigo_city]

Currently, I am 15 half of 30 which i am starting to consider about my future. I am sure most of the ppl who will read this post are older than me and I would like to ask for some of your advice. Recently, I moved to a new school and I haven't even made a lot of friends (including boys and girls) but I already have a crush towards a girl who sits next to me, only in one class.

 

Umm... I really haven't talk to her that much, except for an exchange of "which school did u go b4," kind of talk. BTW, this is a Japanese school so I am afraid of the differences. How should I start with this crush? Do I go hard and ask her on a date... which is most likely going to result in an immediate rejection, or do I gradually build my friendship and make other friends and learn more about her?

 

Also, if i was to become friends with her, or ask her out how can I start?

 

Please help me out, any piece of advice would be great. Thank you

[bluechocolate]

....or do I gradually build my friendship and make other friends and learn more about her?

 

That is your best option. In your situation right now making friends with one girl & going out with her is like putting all of your eggs in one basket. What happens if things don't work out? You're back to where you started and worse - you risk losing her friendship & quite possibly the friendships of those you meet through her & you're left with no support network of your own.

[hyakku]

Wrong and right at the same time.

 

On one side, make it clear from the get go you want to be more than friends (this doesn't mean groping her and sending her love letters ), flirt with her, tease, bust on her have fun. Meet more friends, and don't put your eggs all in one basket like Blue said, talk to many women make friends, you're in a new country (if this is a new country).

 

Be confident and secure, you are taigo_city! All women like you, whether they know it or don't. This is the way you need to think. Not an arrogant a**h*** but confident in yourself.

 

DO not though, become close friends and then try to transition over, it generally doesn't work.

[taigo_city]

Thank you bluechocolate and hyakku. But I have another problem. the situation is, it has been like a month already in this school. The people are very different from the schoools I previously had been to. Do u suggest that I try myself to blend with the "few" cool guys n this school b/c most of the ppl in this school r "nerds"? The problem is also have diffuculty making the cool guys "friends", it seems like they have a hard time welcoming a newcomer. Just to clear things, I am definately not a nerd and ppl r so diff. here I tend to just sit at my desk during the 10-15 minute intervals that are given after each class. Im scared that ppl think im some kind of weirdo, but also I dont no how I could talk to these ppl... hmmmmmmm

 

Also In April we are moving up a grade and we will have different classes and all that. There are 6 diff. classes that work seperately and sometimes work together for subjects like Matha nd English. So there is a slim chance of getting to know her deeper next time.

 

I see that it is very "dangerous" to ask her out. So, how could I show her that I am interested in her? b/c u mentioned sumthing about not making her a friend then asking out. What should I do and is their any way of attracting her if she might not even like me?

 

Anything would help. Thank you.

[hyakku]

OF course there is. First though I do have a question....why is it "dangerous"? Or do you mean you face rejection? Rejection isn't that bad really.

 

First things first, people like a person who's totally comfortable with themselves. You also need to SHOW people this.

 

How? Glad you asked.

 

Body Language. 93% of communicatiion is body language, voice tone, speed, etc. All non verbal, therefore you need to learn to display that you are a confident cool guy. Lean back when talking to people, slow down your sentences, don't speak like speedy gonzalez (man I miss that cartoon), practice slowing down your motions, how you speak, everything. Slow it down, make it feel like you are almost too comfortable wherever you are (Don't take off your pants and walk around like you're at home please).

 

Second, a huge thing a ton of guys don't do. Learn to maintain eye contact. It never seemed that hard to me but sometimes I would be intimidated by a woman then I thought. "Wait a minute...what the hell am I afraid for? What's the worse that happens she pulls out a gun and shoots me for LOOKING at her?" Of course that fear was totally unfounded. So be able to maintain eye contact, if you notice people who hold high ranks in corporate offices don't look down at there shoes in some whiney voice and tell their workers, "Umm.....guys.......I really need you to umm........print out those papers I asked .......please guys." No they maintain eye contact, they show their confidence having their shoulders back, chest out and they act like they KNOW what they are doing (even if they don't know what the hell is going on).

 

I've worked (rather am working heh) as a telemarketer, its INCREDIBLE how I can get on the phone for some charity call someone up, and even if I stumble over my words, if I maintain confidence and dominance in my voice, people will listen. Its incredible how people respond to someone who SOUNDS like they know what the hell they are talking about and SOUNDS like a leader. Now imagine them LOOKING at you and saying, "Wow this guy knows EXACTLY what he's pitching for this cause. I want to give to HIM, I want to buy, whatever your selling etc."

 

To avoid that friendship zone, I'm not quite sure how it is in Japan (I mean now Europe and NA I do), but learn how to flirt, tease her, have fun with it. Don't be so concerned about the outcome. It's like when I get on the phone, you can't be so concerned about "making the sale" rather just get into what you are doing and let it play itself out.

 

I'm sure you've heard of, "The rich get richer, the poor get poorer". Well for the most part doesn't it seem like the RICH always have MORE money coming to them for little effort? That's because they don't run out and go, "Alright how can I quadrple my money in one blow!?" No, they let opportunities come to THEM. They don't chase after something, if they want something they go after it but they don't do it frantically.

 

Have you ever seen someone just completely look all nervous and scared? They don't have to say a damn thing but you can look at them and just go, "Wow I wonder what's got him shook". Again its an example, all you have to do is display dominance and confidence. Good stuff.

 

And on top of all things, please, never, ever, ever EVER try to buy your way into a woman's pants. Do not try to shower her with gifts and what not, because she will see RIGHT through it.

[taigo_city]

I learned a lot, thank you very much for the reply, it was rather funny. I dunno but I have not always been the outgoing type and I am scared that there is always a timing; and currently,I feel that it is not the right time. In another two months we are changing grades and during february there is going to be an exam and a field trip where I will not attend but she will for two weeks. So basically, I will not be able to see her much during February. So as you said, I am scared of her rejecting me for those reasons and the small amount of time where i can most likely talk to her, (which is kind of an excuse).

 

I always "try" to keep eye contact with anyone. When you say eye contact how deep is it? Do you stare at her like an arrogant bastard? or do you stare at her like she is the best thing in the world? I dunno.

 

Also, isn't smiling very vial? How can I blend smiling and being confident? I mean I'm shy and I don't really match the "leader" kind of person. You can practice eye contact but how can you practice being confident? I always try to speak slow, ehich i manage to do but get a very shaky voice. Wouldn't it be awkward for a shy guy to suddenly walk into school all confident and start smiling to all the girls. I also think that some ppl mite accuse me of a pervert.

 

Since it is about 93% body language, how should i act to them? B/c I am the type of ppl who r too serious to girls who r especially hot and I can't really tease tham but end up questioning them a lot. How can you flirt? As I mentioned b4 i only meet with her in 2 classes. One, is english which is nearly impossible, b/c boys and girls sit in different places and she is with all her friends. So I think my only time is really Math. Where she only has one friend, who is kindof outgoing and fat . Can there be anyway to make use of her to get her? I really dont no how to flirt..

 

Im going to school tomorrow and it is one of those rare days that I meet with her how should I start a conversation and so on.

 

And I am not expecting to my hands up her pants I intend not to. How can I improve?

[hyakku]

First things first, don't make those excuses. Make time, show her what an awesome guy you are. Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder (or whatever it means.) A better saying would be, "people fall in love when they are alone". Once you show her what a great guy you are and how awesome YOU are, in those two weeks she will be thinking about you, so when she gets back guess who she will want to see? YOU!

 

Don't try, Do it. I like to follow a saying (one of my many on my new philospy on life), "Do or do not, there is no try". Obviously don't give them an "I'm gonna jump your bones when you are at the water fountain" look or some stalker look. Just look INTO their eyes, believe me, she is NOT going to shoot laser beams out and make you blind, in many cases you can avoid rejection of approaching a woman all together if you take the steps right. Make eye contact, smile, etc. Don't give her a disgusted stare either, don't STARE at all. Eye contact, lock eyes. If she smiles, smile back. Don't do some goofy cheese smile like you were posing for your 2nd grade picture, just almost like a half smile. A good way to do it (or I have found when I started and still do) is think to yourself "Yea you want me" because it puts on that smile that says, "I know something you don't" and its mysterious and women generally love it (again she won't pin you to a locker and start going at it in the halls), and it shows that you aren't intimidated by them.

 

Hey, WHO CARES what they think if you came in confident and cool. On one side, you should focus on making friends, but don't be concerned about how the men think you look, you aren't trying to get them in bed. And women won't go, "Oh he's confident let's get our fathers to beat him after school for being so secure. How dare he have the BALLS to be comfortable with himself."

 

On smiling, wearing a goofy smile on your face all the time makes you seem like a jokin a**h*** (not a**h*** as in you hurt people, but a guy that never knows when to quit joking). You CAN match the leader type of person, you just aren't used to it. I want you to look in the mirror and say, "Wow I look GREAT and I'm just an awesome guy" and you WILL eventually believe it.

 

Way to get rid of a shaky voice, stop talking with the your voice. The vibrations shouldn't be coming from your throat, try talking from your gut or your stomach or near your chest, make your voice a bit deeper. Shaky usually comes from the throat and it makes you sound nervous at times.

 

Sorry I had to laugh when you said could you put her fat friend to work lol. You make it sound like she's some type of servant LOL.

 

First get YOUR self image up with the body language. Again shoulders back, Head high (not looking into the sky, but looking just slightly higher than level range for your height), chest out. Have you ever seen a male lion droop his head and slunk his shoulders in? Have you ever seen one of those alpha male Gorillas balled up in a corner with their knees into their chest. No, they walk slowly, confidently as if they own EVERYTHING, and theirs something about them that you KNOW they are powerful.

 

A good movie David Deangelo suggested watching (and Oceans twelve was a good movie for what I saw in case you were wondering) was Oceans 11. Look at Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Ever notice how it seems like they just take up a lot of space? When they are sitting they keep their legs open, their arms are usually behind them or resting on the chair and they just look like they are TOTALLY in control, no matter what happens. This is how you want to be, in control and calm. If something happens to make you angry in school, don't blow a gasket just relax and deal with it. Personall whenever I'm buy a wall it's just become habit for me to lean against the wall with one of my feet on it. You just want to always look, relaxed, comfortable, confident and cool.

 

Stop being so serious around women, have fun talking, and discuss interesting stuff. Current news, whatevers going on around you, poke fun at people around, WHATEVER, make it interesting and fun. Flirting is also non verbal at times, I'm sure more than once you've seen a woman hit a guys arm and go, "You jerk" or "You a**h***" but be laughing. That's flirting, crap like that. (Many times I might go, "Thats sexual harrassment you better watch it." Or pretend like I was really hurt and go, "Wow you've been at the gym recently haven't you?). Or she looks at you with those deep eyes, don't look away just look right back. Alot of the time you might see people just lock eyes and all of a sudden she just gives a little smile and he does too. Its non verbal communication and its poweful.

 

I don't wanna tell you just walk up to her with all her friends there because I know that can be pretty uncomfortable especially if you are just starting.

 

So in math just walk up to her say, "Hi" and talk about something in the environment, don't walk up with some huge goofy smile. If her friend is outgoing maybe strike up a conversation with her and get the girl you're after involved, that could put her to use (as you so wonderfully put it lol).

 

The best opener is just "Hi." Start with that, go from there. Of course I don't expect you to just go, "ALRIGHT I'VE CHANGED MYSELF I'M READY!!" (though that would be pretty amazing), so take baby steps if you don't wanna take huge bounds yet.

[taigo_city]

Thanks again. K, i will try not to make excuses but don't all human beings have a natural tendency to do this? Making the heart grow fonder is going to be really difficult... b/c I'm fluent in japanese but not as fluent as others in Japanese. Well, I guess that is another excuse. The good thing is, she understands English as well as I do, since she is a returnee or smth.

 

I will try to "Do or do not, there is no try" but it is always easier said than done. Lol, I'm already getting nervous just staying at home, when I haven't even had a real conversation with her. Also, if you are too confident wouldn't she start thinking u as a overly confident bastard, when u r new? I mean how r u supposed to retain your confidence or so called coolness, when you are still in the process of making friends, b/c don't u have to open yourself up, but that goes against the mystery thing that u mentioned.

 

I was also thinking, should i list up things to ask her? I think this is the same for everyone but I am always confident when I no wat to do next. how can you become like that? B/c whenever I talk to any girl I end up having awkward silence. When I don't have the awkwrd silence, I tend to jump to strange topics. Also, she is always talking to taht fat friend b4 class starts, is she is how can i talk to her? WOuldn't it be extrememly ruid to just go in, and girls always talk about girlee stuff so its really hard to blend in. If she is alone, I could probably say hi, but how could i start and build it up so she can be like " o i want to talk to him more". B/c as u said u have to be interesting but also create that sense of mystery where teh girls want to know more about u. What do u suggest for talking to this girl?

 

Haha, ocean's 11, 12 are one of my favourite movies. George Clooney and Brad Pitt absolutely have that thing that women go WOW, its not only their looks but as you said their confidence. haha, but that would be very difficult to imitate.

 

I am also worried b/c my stupid school only has school on Monday and Tuesday where I only have one math class with her. Through Wednesday to till next Tuesday theres a holiday or sumth. How can I just go 2 the point where she will be like alright I will give u my number or email. And i said b4, i suck at building conversations, how can i catch her interest. Thinking about it, I only have one shot and one deal, tomorrow.

[hyakku]

Ok. First:

 

Overly Confident? Don't be arrogant, Confident, you can never be overly confident. Confident is te be secure in yourself, or to LACK insecurities. Arrogant is to act as if you are better than everyone else. If you think arrogantly you will become confident then arrogant, many people find it easier to think arrogantly to reach that stage of confidence and then just stop being arrogant. Personally I just looked at my self, told my self I liked me, and kept doing it till I did (I had self esteem issues but I'm a good looking guy and have a great personality why shouldn't I let women enjoy me ).

 

Now I want to clear it up, sometimes there are honest to goodness reasons you cannot do something, but don't make up excuses if you feel deep down that you could do something if you tried. If you must say to yourself, "I am nervous now, How can I work on improving "X" trait of mine." Never think negatively like, "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I do this?" Think, "How can I improve this? How can I learn this skill", etc.

 

Have you ever talked to her?

 

Again, if you go up confident, what would be wrong with that? You aren't going to go up and say, "Hey! I'm better than all you Japanese people therefore bow down to me and worship me as a God!!!" That would be just stupid (not to mention racist). Go over there, say "Hi." And go from there, if you really want to start it off, ask her opinion on something. I learned (David D again ) that what can get REALLY interesting conversations going is talking about Male - Female things. An example given (Preferably with a friend but I suppose you could do it alone with a bit of tweaking), "Hey a friend and I were just talking and we needed a female's opinion. Do you think men understand what women want and need?" Or something like that. Or you could try a compliment, "Hi......you are *pause for 2 or three seconds for anticipation* really beautiful *pause for another second or two* and I just had to know more about you. I'm Taigo" And take it from there. I mean you can do almost anything. If you know her just strike up a conversation. Use ANYTHING you can think of, if you are at home WRITE it down (just don't take out the piece of paper when talking about her. "Hey...wait hold on I gotta go check my script...." ) and write some scenarios. Write some lines and conversations down and write how you think she will respond. It's trial and error but you'll become better in general with it. Being prepared DOES make you more confident and comfortable.

 

Once you get an interesting conversation going, you be the one to end it on a high note. If it seems like she's really enjoying the conversation just go, "well hey gotta go, do you have email/AIM/whatever they use in Japan (sorry not well versed on messaging services over there), she says "yea" take out a pen and go, "great write it down." Or if you prefer get her number, again these are all techniques I learned they work. (I'm not sure about the number thing when I kind of recall Japan being a bit more conservative than America, maybe I'm wrong). And take it from there.

 

Again man having scenarios and convos planned out really does work. You should aim to talk maybe 3-6 minutes.

 

Its not that hard to imitate do it in your room, just practice leaning back, walking confidently looking relaxed and confident, and of course BE confident.

 

There's no quick fix but again, getting a number and email is a quick process just remember to have things planned out. If you have talked to her before it should be a bit easier. Those were examples for people you have never talked to before or something like that. Be creative, but if it seems like the line you are using isn't confident, don't use it. You are confident in yourself, believe that.

[taigo_city]

I have been thinking about what to say to her and I could only come up with :

“Hi, where did you live before you came to Japan?.”

Most likely, she will say the United States and I never really visited there so I don’t what to comment. Since it would be a one word answer and I’m like blank… and I don’t know what to say and eventually turn away form her after saying “cool” or sumth. So, I feel completely pathetic, b/c that topic won’t last. Also you suggested asking the question about the differences between girl and boys or commenting her. But, I think that would make her disinterested. Most-likely, she is going to be like, what the hell is he talking about… you don’t even no me.

 

What I know about her is she has braces and she carries a weird pencil case with grammatically incorrect English written on it. Can these two features help me talk to her? I dunno, I really dunno wat to do.

 

Btw, I don’t even know her damn name, so how could I address her. In a way, wouldn’t it be also an advantage not knowing her name? I dunno, but how can I politely ask her or do you think it is not important? In Japan we are called by our last names like a factory. So usually you would even call your own friends like “Hey, Tanaka”. Isn’t the suggestions you gave to me to use to start the conversation a little queer, b/c the truth is, we are like complete strangers and you have to remember the Japanese people are very conservative which means that I am going to have to work hard to interest her.

 

Hmmm… when I think about it, isn’t it strange if someone came up to you and did some casual talking to you before a math class and after class asked for your e-mail. In Japan, we e-mail each other on our cell phones rather than call b/c it is cheaper. I definitely think I should not ask her for a date (which I probably will not be even be able to do) when I actually did some real talking to her. Also to inform you, I never really talked to a girl for sooo long, especially in this school. Maybe the longest conversation I was able to hold was a minute.

 

Taking your advice, I will practice the confidence thing- voice, posture and speed. But I am very shaky about what to talk to her about that would be interesting for her and where she would offer her email or sumth. When you calculate it, there isn’t much time to talk to her, math starts in 5 minutes so what if she was talking to her fat friend? Do I take the risk of sending her a note.. which would definitely give away that I have a crush for her. What should I do?

[hyakku]

I have been thinking about what to say to her and I could only come up with :

“Hi, where did you live before you came to Japan?.”

Most likely, she will say the United States and I never really visited there so I don’t what to comment. Since it would be a one word answer and I’m like blank… and I don’t know what to say and eventually turn away form her after saying “cool” or sumth. So, I feel completely pathetic, b/c that topic won’t last. Also you suggested asking the question about the differences between girl and boys or commenting her. But, I think that would make her disinterested. Most-likely, she is going to be like, what the hell is he talking about… you don’t even no me.

 

What I know about her is she has braces and she carries a weird pencil case with grammatically incorrect English written on it. Can these two features help me talk to her? I dunno, I really dunno wat to do.

 

Btw, I don’t even know her damn name, so how could I address her. In a way, wouldn’t it be also an advantage not knowing her name? I dunno, but how can I politely ask her or do you think it is not important? In Japan we are called by our last names like a factory. So usually you would even call your own friends like “Hey, Tanaka”. Isn’t the suggestions you gave to me to use to start the conversation a little queer, b/c the truth is, we are like complete strangers and you have to remember the Japanese people are very conservative which means that I am going to have to work hard to interest her.

 

Hmmm… when I think about it, isn’t it strange if someone came up to you and did some casual talking to you before a math class and after class asked for your e-mail. In Japan, we e-mail each other on our cell phones rather than call b/c it is cheaper. I definitely think I should not ask her for a date (which I probably will not be even be able to do) when I actually did some real talking to her. Also to inform you, I never really talked to a girl for sooo long, especially in this school. Maybe the longest conversation I was able to hold was a minute.

 

Taking your advice, I will practice the confidence thing- voice, posture and speed. But I am very shaky about what to talk to her about that would be interesting for her and where she would offer her email or sumth. When you calculate it, there isn’t much time to talk to her, math starts in 5 minutes so what if she was talking to her fat friend? Do I take the risk of sending her a note.. which would definitely give away that I have a crush for her. What should I do?

 

"Hey I just noticed from over here but what's up with the pencil case?"

 

She might say something that can get the conversation rolling or she might just say something totally off from what she meant to write. You have an advantage you know english you can say,

 

"Well if you meant "X" I think you could use a bit more work (with a little smile on your face). By the way I'm taigo." If she doesn't offer her name of course ask, "What's your name?" and when she says it (we'll use Mary), "Well mary, where did you live before you came to Japan?" She says U.S. go, "Really? I've never been over there. Is it as crazy as they say?" and she'll probably go into some talks etc, and you've got a conversation going. Try to use her name right after she says it. Again, relaxed, cool, confident.

 

Edit: Another funny one I just thought of but could probably use some work is when you ask, "Where were you before Japan" when she says any country go, "Uh oh...you know what they say about women from "X" right?" And she'll go, "No what?" and you go, "Wait, let me see your hand. I promise I wont eat it, I'm not hungry right now anyway." And you look at her palm and maybe trace the lines for effect then look right into her eyes and go, "...Yep just like they said." By this time if you've been confident and done it right, 95% of the time she'll probably go, "What?" And thats when you can go, I dunno if I should let you know, and start teasing her not letting her know exactly what it is. Then towards the end of the teasing and small talk (How the country actually was, etc.) you can go, "Whats your email (or whatever you wanna use to communicate)? Maybe I'll drop you a message and let you know what THEY say." When she gives it to you go, "This is the number (or whatever type of communication she is using) you answer right? With just a faint hint at a small. If she says no go, "I can't take it if I can't know its solid." But generally they will say yes.

[taigo_city]

Sounds great I just created a scenario... Please fix it if u think I could polish it more.

 

Me:"Hey I just noticed from over here but what's up with the pencil case?" (thanks)

XX: Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Me: "Does it mean XXXXXX"

XX: XXXXxxxxxxxx

Me: "Isn't it interesting how a lot of Japnese products have gramatically incorrect things written on it?"

XX:Xxxxxxxxxx

Me: Haha, I had an incident when I went skiing I ate at a restaurant called "f***-mi".

XX:xxxxxxxxx

Me: (If she doesn't say anything about her expereince) Can you beat that?

XX:xxxxxx

Me: You lived overseas before you came to Japan right?

XX: xxxxxx

Me: (If hse doesn't say it) WHere at?

XX: xxxxxxx

Me: Is it really wild as they say it is?

xx: (I have afeeling she wills ay NOTHING MUCH)

Me: I dunno, wat to say

 

What else can I say b/c I don't want to give away too much, don't u agree and as I asked b4 what if she was talking with her fat friend?

 

Edit* But its like grabbing a strangers hand so dont i have to know her a little more? B/c i heard girls were really careful about touching at that age.

 

 

EDIT 2* I am not sure, if I do the palm reading thing other girls are going to ask me stuff and so on. How do I respond?

 

Edit 3* R u sure girls at THAT age would be attracted at a boy touching her palms reading it and finally saying " i might" drop u an email? B/c wouldn'T it be kind of CHEEKY for a15 year old saying that?

[taigo_city]

ok... I don't know how things r going to go but Im goin to try this tomorrow. Thank you hyakku and I hope i can come back from school smiling! Good night. If there are any last minute advice to drop please please dont hesitate, I am not even prepared. thank you

[hyakku]

Nice taigo, hey its a trial and error thing and you seem pretty good as it is, I don't mean GRAB her hand as in PULLING IT from her, ask her and then put on a shocked face, as if you suddenly realized something. Again you dont have to do this but its fun and just a bit of teasing nothing to rough or anything.

 

To Edit 2: Don't you WANT to take to more girls lol?

 

To Edit 3: You don't have to overexagerate the maybe you don't even have to say it. Just casually say, "Great, maybe I'll drop you a message and let you know what they say." Smile and walk away.

 

Let me know how it went.

[taigo_city]

Thanks. Hi, I was really nervous that I had to wake an hour earlier and I have to go 2 school in another hour. This sounds a little bit weak but if I manage to get her e-mail, do u suggest I start right after we change classes or should I save it up? I'm not sure, how can I attract her on email that doesn't include the important, body-language?

[hyakku]

You can definetly talk to her through email, but don't do it RIGHT after class, thats like calling someone who gave you their number when you are still RIGHT in front of them.

 

Again man, confident, cool, collected, relaxed, and you already have a scenario in your mind. Just keep running through it before hand.

 

Last thing, don't stare and then go up to her, try to catch her eye, and just GO. If you have to just GO, try not to wait longer than 3 seconds otherwise doubts come in your mind etc.

[taigo_city]

Damn it! I am so depressed today:( and embarrased:o .I duno how to start but everything at school was HORRIBLE. I'm not sure why but I tried to look confident but I created a "pissed off" face rather than a confident one. Math class was terrible, she was talking to the fatty and there was only a minute left before class started, so i really couldn't jump into their conversation nor could I do the palm reading thing. So what did I do? I did try to go up to her after class but there was absolutely no chance... (since this stupid school has an elevator, which only girls can use, she gets on it) and I couldn't talk 2 her. Any suggestions?

 

BTW. About the body language thing; I tried speaking slower, but again, since I am such a shy dummy, I couldn't speak confident enough.... I tried walking slower and things like that but they just thought I was pissed or sumth. I think my body needs to adapt to it.

 

I see myself as such a loaner in this school, b/c I don't really have a real friend and how could I be asking her out when I didn't even know how to talk to these other Japanese ppl. Don't u suggest I make friends b4 I even go 4 this girl? I mean, my whole damn class knows I'm a loaner b/c I don't talk to anyone (I just don't kno how to make friends with them). I try to crack smth. and they answer with just one word. I seriously don't understand these Japanese ppl... i feel pathetic, alien and isolated. Can you leave me some advice on making friends; it sounds so stupid asking how to make friends... I really tried to start smth. but they never really don't show any interest in me. People say be yourself but that definately doesn't work.

 

This is my daily schedule (to show how isolated I am since I came to this school):

8:00 I reach school, other ppl are either in the hallway or talking with their friends. I always try to fit in the conv. but I just eventually sit b/c I can't even come up with smth. to say.

After each class there is a 10 minute break and most of the time I am so boored, i sit in my sit like a loaner listening to my Ipod or sleep, my head rested on my elbow. If they thought I was interesting or if they were interested in me, they might ask what I was listening to, but they don't even ask b/c they don't really care. At lunch I do eat with ppl, but the group is not really matching me, they are just ppl who are kind but are boring.

Basically, I barley speak more than 10 sentences. What can I do? I tried joining clubs but they say I can only join after graduation(pathetic), How can I make friends, so they will be like "I wanna talk to him" kinda thing....

Please help. This situation has been going on for a whole month and I am very stressed confused and nearly going crazy.

 

EDIT* After calming down a little bit, I regain confidence.. but this is only b/c I am at home, once i go 2 school it is nearly imossible to have this optimistic feeling. Is there absolutely any way I could get her number tomorrow? Or do you think I should be patient, I really want to take her out on the 6 day holiday? Please help me ASAP

 

EDIT2*Would it be ok to try FOR TOMORROW since I only can grab her right after English class and say, "Hi, we sit next to each other in English class and we take the same English class and I would like to get to know you so, can we like exchange email addresses?"

[taigo_city]

What if ok?, what if? i get an email what should i say to catch her attention. What topics should i cover/save? ALso there is a slight chance I might walk back with her home.. If her friends are there how do I blend in? If alone what do I talk about?

[TheSwordfish]

Okay, try this. Say to someone you actually like to talk to: Hey, good morning. Say something about class, something funny you experienced, ask questions about nothing, and just talk.

 

If you dont start talking you'll have to wait for that social person that wants you to become part of the group..... and that will take long. I understand its hard being new at school and not knowing anyone yet, but just a small joke or chat will soon give you some aquantances that might become friends

[hyakku]

Hey man you are gonna get there just relax. Thats key here, relax and be cool, dont be so worried about the outcome. I work as a telemarketer and theres something that alot of new people who start do. They worry about making the final sale instead of just talking to the person. What you need to do is just talk to her, again the scenario you have in your mind will work out JUST FINE, you don't have to say something earth shattering to talk to a woman, she'll be flattered that you're even approaching her.

 

STOP GETTING DOWN ON YOURSELF NOW. You aren't a shy dummy or anything like this, this is what an average guy with little success says about himself, and you are projecting this by thinking this way. Like I said get in front of the mirror and like yourself, tell yourself you look great. And if theres stuff you can improve on, DO IT. Get a new haircut, dress nicely, again these are all EASY things you can do to make you like YOURSELF more. You have to work on yourself before women can like you.

 

You are too worried about being a loner, go make some friends, just talk and have fun with it, if they wanna be jerks, who cares, its their loss and they are just being immature kids. Its high school you'll grow out of it . Talk about something thats interesting to you and them, I'm sure anime might get a good topic started if they like it, (I love naruto manga .) or games, or technology, again you can get started on a TON of stuff.

 

People aren't going to approach you if it looks like you don't wanna be approached, but at the same time, you are the new guy, you gotta try to make friends. Again, I've always had a personality where I just go and meet friends. Good thing I did was at my new school when I moved in, started making small talk with some of the people already there, but the big thing I did was make friends with OTHER new people. What happened was that we new people started our own clique and people who were in the school either joined us or we joined them, and we didn't have to worry about being awkward. So if you're having trouble, maybe find ANOTHER loner like yourself and start talking. I know it seems strange, but millions of guys are going through your problem even though it seems like its exclusive to yourself.

 

Again just talk to her when you get a chance make an effort. Also, you don't have to do that palm reading/ you know waht they say about... joke, you can just exclude those and just keep talking if its going well, that was just an example. In fact, I think it would be better if you just ask where she was and how it was, etc. Again, have fun with it, don't be worried about the outcome.

[taigo_city]

Thank you I just needed somebody to cheer me up and it isn't someting you want to discuss with your older friends or parents. I will try to talk 2 her but as I previously wrote down I am not a very good talker so I will probably just go straightto asking for her e-mail by saying, "Hi, we sit next to each other in math class and we take the same English class but we never really talked and I would like to get to know you so, can we like exchange email addresses?" Do you think that is too straight?

 

I was thinking of this approach b/c I could only catch her after english class and I could talk to her in english b/c it wouldn't be weird after an English class. I know I should be enjoying the outcome but I really haven't had barely any experiences with girls, but hmmm.... I really don't know about that, I always try to look calm but my tired body adds on to it, so as I said b4, it creates a pissed off image.

 

W/e I don't have da friends but I might as well ask her e-mail and talk to ther ppl. Thanks and I'll try to stay relaxed and cool talking 2 her. O yeah, if she is with another friend talking after english class how could I talk to her so I won't be following after her and approaching her? Do I say can I talk to you for awhile (but if i say that it is really stupid b/c i'm just going to say the sentence I mentioned)?

[hyakku]

Again you're worrying too much. Listen I'll give you a step by step of maybe something I might do.

 

First I'd look my best (well thats a given), no body odor, etc etc, always look your best that should be a given.

 

Approach her, confidently, don't break eye contact etc. And just say, "Hi..." while looking into her eyes, pause for a moment she'll say, "Hi?" almost confused. You can go, "I just noticed from over there....but what's up with the pencil case?" She'll explain something. And she might say something totally interesting with which it shouldn't be too hard to have a conversation from there. If she says something succint go, "O wow really? Where did you come from before here?" You said you think she'll say the U.S. and you've never been there, thats a topic begging to be talked about. "The united states," she'll answer, she may even ask where you came from, of which you will tell her, "Yea I just came over from "Whatever location you came from". Tell me...how was the US? I don't really know to much about it." And she might go into a long spiel if she is really outgoing or she might simply say, "Fun." And you can say, "Is it really as crazy over there as they make it? They don't have people running around shooting each other up and robbing each other like everyone likes to say do they?" (Let's face it Americans, we have a reputation for being violent for some reason). She might laugh and go, "No they are actually pretty nice over there," and start talking. You can say, "Wow, there's something I would have never guessed. Well hey I'd like to know more about you and where you came from before this. Do you have e-mail/number/whatever you all use over there?" She says "No" laugh and go "Woah do you have electricty?" With a smile on your face to show your joking, you don't have to SAY your joking if you are giving the right body language. When she says yes, go "Great write it down." and don't ask just assume. You are a cool enough guy, she will give it to you. If she seems hesitant say something like, "Hey look I promise I'll only call you 12 times a day and only 24 on the weekends" (Or email, whatever).

 

Again don't be so worried about her friends, whatever, just be able to maintain eye contact keep your posture well, etc.

[taigo_city]

I try to looka ta the whole outcome b/c if i screw up i lose her and there r a few other hot ppl but those ppl wil a 100 percent reject me b/c they just look at me as if i was a retard or sumth. Other than that, today things got a little bit better at school... I think the process of building friendship in Japan takes time. Well, the bad part was I couldn't ask her. I just couldn't.Why? b/c in the morning she was with her friends and it was kind of weird to go up to her especially in English class where I was not only facing her but facing her friends and the rest of the ppl in their, ya so things sucked. Also, I had a very good chance to talk to her when she trie dto get smth. form the locker but my mind went blank... I couldn't think of anything to say, b/c class was starting in 2 minutes.

 

I reviewed the speech for picking her up really easily, "i wanna get to no u better, so can i have ur e-mail" inside my head and I thought it was just not going to work. Every person who is dating at school all had basic knowledge about each other and then started to swap their information. So I think I need to take baby steps and then gradually talk to her. And, as you said all these boys who go out are not specially hot but are funny and are good at flirting. I just don't know how to master the art of flirting? How, how do you do iT?

 

The scenario that you gave me looks great but teh big problem is even if I succeed I would not be prepared to talk to her. For example, after school how can I keep her interested? i no u say try to keep it casual but what kind of things should I say?

 

Also, attraction is undeniable. Since, she is not expereinced or at least what I think girls in my class go for looks and if I can't orally express myself, she will loose have no attraction towards me and things will become awful.

 

How could I improve myself sicne I have a very long 6 day holiday? I need to learn how to be funny and to learn how to flirt and I think I am getting better in body language and how I could talk to girls without having my go blank once I try to talk to them. AS I said b4 I still am in the process of building friends and is unsure wheter or not to be asking her... b/c at school just going up to a girl and talking to them is asking them out. So u have to becareful that they are inmature.

[justagirl1121]

Hey, I've read through this whole post, and I'm a few years older than you, but I had crappy social skills in high school and felt like no one liked me...but now I think it's only b/c I didn't try to interact that they didn't try back.

 

So, why don't you just find someone who's sitting beside you and just say hi to them. if u do that a few times, after a week or so just go "hey you want to grab a drink (i dont know what u can do if u can go to a cafe or something) after school or whenever...insert best time there....it might be easier to start with another guy. THEN, if they say sure, you can go and maybe they'll start tlaking, or if not then just start talking a bit about yourself. just be like 'i haven't been here very long, i came from X and this place is a little different, etc.' it will start to show that you are not anti social and you're not a snob. and you're not asking a girl out on a date. if the kid says NO, just ask "would you want to a different day?" and if he says yes, then good. if he says NO then move on and ask someone else. once you start making a friend, then he'll introduce you or invite you to things and you'll meet his friends. then other people will realize that you're so shy and antisocial. by you sitting there alone, they prob think you are shy and don't want to be bothered.....unless you get some realllllly outgoing dude who will just come up to you and bother you (which really isnt bothering you, but some people are just like that, going up to random people nad starting conversations). i used to assume if they didnt talk to me they didnt like me, but i've realized thru the friends i do have that i am pretty cool otherwise they wouldnt be my friends right?

 

so maybe leave your ipod and stuff at home and then youll have no excuse to sit there by your lonesome.

 

good luck!

[justagirl1121]

i cant figure out how to edit.... but thought of some stuff and to fix something

 

"then other people will realize that you're so shy and antisocial." that should be that you're NOT so shy and antisocial.

 

Also, if the kid says no and doesnt seem interested, talked to the other person around you. then the first kid will realize it wasnt a big deal he said no b/c there's a gazillion other people who are way better than him anyway and he'll realize it's HIS loss. And maybe he'll take the first approach next time nad will end up being your friend anyway.